| it all comes down to: |
[02 May 2008|01:30pm] |
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we don't trust each other.
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| it's kinda like: |
[28 Apr 2008|03:04am] |
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make up your fucking mind...it feels like head games...i want to say i know they're not...but at this point...NE thing is possible...
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| what is it about me? |
[24 Apr 2008|12:35am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 chipper |
] |
| [ |
music |
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now i miss him too. |
] |
he said he loves me
i can't stop smiling.
today i had planned on telling him maybe we should stop. but instead when i saw him, he actually said he loved me. he said that he misses me.
"he's bewitched her with words." & i love it.
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| my head hurts && my heart aches |
[16 Apr 2008|03:38pm] |
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i'm so BP and i FUCKING hate it...
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| sometimes, i make myself sick... |
[16 Apr 2008|12:52pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 nauseated |
] |
| [ |
music |
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bad kitty... |
] |
wtf is wrong with me? "how dare you hang out with another female and 'do work' while i stay at home and clean my fiance's apartment!"
*ugh*
i should just go back...to where i "belong"...
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| we're back together/i'm such a bitch... |
[13 Apr 2008|06:43pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 ecstatic |
] |
| [ |
music |
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=) |
] |
i was miserable...i cried...i couldn't even see colors NE more, the whole world seemed dull...i just didn't even care NE more...
...!!!AND THEN!!!...
he took me up stairs, while everyone worked down stairs. he could tell something was wrong. he said in a low voice "come here" i said "why" as i walked over to him. he just takes me in his arms and whispers sweet things to me asking if i missed him and i just told me "yes, i miss you. the hardest thing i've ever had to do is try to break things off with you"...he hold me closer and tells me "i missed you too. why didn't you tell me? we'll just have to find some other way to make it work then". i answered him with "if i had to i would've stuck with it. i want to show you that i can be faithful." then he says "i know you can." and i just smiled and layed on his bed as i looked for music for our project...i could stop smiling...i have him back...
but the best part of my night was when right infront of [her] he put his arms around me. he pulled me down to lay my head on his chest when we layed on the couch infront of everyone. which was hilarious because moments before he was paranoidly asking me "does [she] know about us?" "no" i said "are you sure!?" he asked again. "yes, i sware." and that always worried me, but then we he kissed on me right infront of [her] i was super pleased. *smile* <3
THOUGH
i'm trying hard not to fall in love with him...cause i'm not even positive if he's for real. he seems like it, but he also use to be an actor...so, i guess we'll see how it goes...*sigh*
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[11 Apr 2008|12:32pm] |
she seems like the type of girl that would need a lot of attention.
me, on the other hand.
i would be happy just to be loved.
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| today... |
[11 Apr 2008|12:17pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 melancholy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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never knew i could feel like this... |
] |
i woke up today hoping that it would hurt less...and that i would feel better...not really...my first thought when i woke up was him...how did he get under my skin so far? *sigh* i miss him & i never even had him...thank god i never had sex with him...because that would make this whole "fresh start" thing even harder...that was all him though, because we all know i would've done him had i gotten the opportunity...*ihatemyself* but that's beyond the point...i can't wait till wednesday to show him the instant improvement...i just can't wait...i know i'll go in, wearing something nice...with my make-up and hair all done...agent o and possibly zippy will be already seated on the only comfortable couch thing, but instead of squeezing between them, i'll grab a chair and sit by them. I will not get up and challange agent o to a tap dance battle...i will not disgustingly flirt with zippy...i will not show off my clevage. i will be propper. and when he walks in, i'll simply smile and say "hello". i will not play truth or dare with agent o while everyone else talks about actual class stuff. i will not yell out random things. i will laugh at things that are funny but i will not force myself to be the center of attention (as usual). i will be everything that we talked about, and everything that i know i can be. and then, who knows? maybe, someday.
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| so it's over... |
[10 Apr 2008|06:09pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 indifferent |
] |
and it sucks...i did a lot of thinking today, and thank god for agent O, or else i probably would've came home and cried some more...*sigh*...it was tough...it was funny cause for a second i was mad at him, for a second i thought to myself "fuck that, i'm not going to change for some guy." then i realized that i'm not changing for him, i'm just proving to him who i actually am...i am a good girl...and there was a time that i was a faithful girlfriend...and i will be again...i start being more faithful in my current relationship and show him that i'm am or could be a good girlfriend...no more crazy stuff...no more being a slut in class...i'm gonna show him that i can be boring "lady"...
i'm lost for words right now...my heart still hurts a little...i hate being friends with someone that i have strong feelings for...i don't know how i'm gonna be able to do that, with all those other damn girls chasing after him...i just need to make it clear to him...he's smart and nice, i hope he gets it...
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| my post secret...(or my other post secret)... |
[10 Apr 2008|06:08pm] |
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mood |
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crushed |
] |
i cried today when i dumped me "make-believe" boyfriend.
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| i'm such a horrible person / it's not fair... |
[10 Apr 2008|11:15am] |
| [ |
mood |
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crushed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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fuck life...fuck it hard... |
] |
last night i came home at 1:30am after fooling around with this guy that i just met that i'm falling for so fucking hard...technically i got home at 1, but we were talking downstairs before i got out of the car...and after a long talk, more or less about us, i realized, mainly 2 things.
1. we've already started off on the wrong foot, i could never
expect him to trust me if we ever got together.
2. i don't think we would make it even if we tried (i just feel it)
& then i came home and crawled into bed next to the man that absolutly loves me, that i'm suppose to be madly in love with and i cried because i knew the next day i would have to "break up" with my "mistress" (male form). Then this morning i sent him a text saying we need to stop, because i didn't think it was really big enough to have to call him...but the point is i cried again when i had to do that...he knows me so well...he even called me on the thing that i've kept inside forever, "you talk about being bi-sexual and screwing a bunch of girls and guys because you are starved for love." and i've always known that...i've always told myself that...I've always knew that i was attracted to girls and guys because i don't care who i'm with, just as long as they love me...maybe i didn't get enough love as a kid? who knows...but i've always been so obsest with love...i thought i was over that, i thought i was done...maybe that was only because i was with someone who i thought loved me...
now that i think of it...i think i broke up with boyfriends in the past because i didn't feel loved enough by them...i think? once again, who knows?
fuck this, i'm so heart broken over some guy i just met...when i live with someone i'm "engaged" to...this is so fucking dumb...
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| the root of my sorrow |
[09 Apr 2008|12:21pm] |
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mood |
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 cynical |
] |
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music |
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do you know the way to San Jose? |
] |
i have trust issues.
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| "i lied when i said i never had doubts" - apt. 13A |
[07 Apr 2008|12:39pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 distressed |
] |
*sigh* i never had doubts till i met him...wtf?...i feel like i'm back in high school...i'm tired of these little kid games...
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| i'm not happy... |
[05 Apr 2008|11:07pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 crappy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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i want to cry, but i'm scared he'd catch me (yeah, right) |
] |
& writing here isn't gonna make me feel any better?
should i really have to ask for affection?
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| so, i guess i do have my own specifics... |
[05 Apr 2008|07:13pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 crazy |
] |
but it's not like i'm harsh...it's not at all like i'm saying:
"he must have a great bod, be 6'5 have an english accent, stunning brown hair, blah blah blah..."
all i ask for is:
1. someone with personality - someone who can be wild and crazy with me, but know when to stop...
2. someone who can make me feel loved - no, i don't want someone who has to be clinging on me 24/7, but a little affection? after what i've been getting lately even a kiss on the cheak once a day would delight me...
3. some who doesn't give a crap what people think about the - i guess this kinda goes with the personality thing, but i need someone who will tell me as much as i tell them...not a big mouth, but i believe there should be no secrets between couples...
as of now, that's all i can think of...short list aye? fucking sucks...i don't know one person right now that fits even those 3 things...
R lacks 1 2 & 3...
D lacks 1 & 3
C it feels like he's hiding something...not to mention he's getting touchy feely too quick...
is it really so much to ask for? i think i deserve to be happy...and those things would make me happy...
i deserve it...
i do...
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| while he naps...here are my thoughts... |
[01 Apr 2008|06:00pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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lethargic |
] |
| [ |
music |
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happy fucking aniversary to me =/ |
] |
i miss my little baby girl...i wish she was here right now...i wish i could call her on the phone and hear her voice...only thing is, she doesn't really have one...i'd give anything to be able to call her and ask her about her day...but, then again, if she could talk and everything like that...she's be here with me...
i miss her a lot...
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| *sigh* |
[01 Apr 2008|12:34am] |
i still don't trust him...
am i really surprised byt that?
no
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[29 Mar 2008|12:18am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 groggy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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ew, i'm getting so fucking fat...it's fucking gross... |
] |
it's midnight...i should be asleep...i have to get up at 7:30 tomorrow...and yet here at 12:19am, i'm up....*yuck*...he doesn't work till 1 tomorrow, and yet he's asleep...maybe i shouldn't have taken that nap today? it wasn't a very good nap...i kept waking up about every 20 minutes checking if my alarm had failed at going on...i don't trust modern technology...i don't trust cell phone alarm...or even alarm clocks...nothing beats a human being shaking the crap out of me to tell me to get my ass up...
well, i guess i should go try again...
ps. why the hell did i update here? usually my normal posts go on my other journal...strange...eh, i guess it doesn't matter NE more...
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| snap back into reality... |
[25 Mar 2008|03:04pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 calm |
] |
| [ |
music |
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*yuck* i don't feel so well... |
] |
i forgot how lonely it gets here...
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| i'm a whore...i can admit it... |
[16 Mar 2008|12:51am] |
| [ |
mood |
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done... |
] |
| [ |
music |
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i always convince myself what i do is right =) |
] |
i should be exhausted about now...i should...i woke up at like 7:30 this morning...did some pretty heavy running around...came home & yelled, screamed, & cried and yet i'm still awake...hahaha...i just heard the song that sumorizes my life right now...let's see if we can't find the lyrics for it, shall we?
Pull up your stockings
Keep getting ready
I made you breakfast for the last time
It's time to pack up
Put on your make-up
You're wearing my t-shirt for the last time
I'm sorry
You know I'm sorry
You lay in bed next to him at night
Convince yourself that what you did was right
Instead of him, you'll want me back
You can't move on
I know you'll wind up missing me
So drink your coffee
I made you breakfast
You're wearing my t-shirt for the last time
A revelation, we'll never make it
I'm staring at you for the last time
I'm sorry
You know I'm sorry
You lay in bed next to him at night
Convince yourself that what you did was right
Instead of him, you'll want me back
You can't move on
I know you'll wind up missing me
Missing me
Missing me
You'll wind up missing me
Missing me
Missing me
You'll wind up missing me
You know you'll wind up messed up
Getting stuck in a rut
Out of luck with no life
You will be sorry
You lay in bed next to him at night
Convince yourself that what you did was right
Instead of him, you'll want me back
You can't move on
I know you're going to be sorry
You'll wind up missing me
You'll be sorry
You'll wind up missing me
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