loseit115's Journal

Friday, March 4, 2005

9:09PM - PSYCHO

have you ever been walking down the street, or hall, or whatever, and seen someone that for some reason something about them makes you just want to scream "who the fuck do you think you are shithead! shut the fuck up before i beat your motherfuckin ignorant ass!" well that's just kind of how i feel sometimes.

and damn! if anyone is interested in publishing my poetry, please comment.

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Thursday, March 3, 2005

10:18AM - i sound like macy grey

i've been so sick-we think it's strep throat i guess. i'm feeling a lot better today actually, but i'm still not going to school. i really don't like it. in the past 2 weeks, i've gone to school 2 1/2 days and thats it. its awesome. but im gonna have to go back tomorrow to get all my work to do over the weekend.

so i have sat my lazy ass at home for 3 days and done nothing. still 155

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Saturday, February 26, 2005

1:41PM - sexit i want some action!

There is nothing like taking a quiz that only asks your name and age to determine your sexual skills.


What is your best sexual skill
Name
Age
Kissing - 90%
Sex - 48%
Fingering - 10%
Head - 60%
This cool quiz by KTroxURsox5290 - Taken 1442 Times.
New - How do you get a guy to like you?


i don't even know if that shit will show up or not.
so johnny brought his sexy ass over to my house the other night to deliver B.B.'s newly recorded CD. we drank coffee together, and listened to his album. and after every song, he said "that was cool" and i said "yeah"
i saw a black thong with the words "don't be a pussy, eat one!" on the front and considered buying it. but that might corrupt the subtly of a date.

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Saturday, February 19, 2005

9:29PM - but who's counting?-a sexual history

1ST FRENCH KISS
age: 12
place: unfinished church bathroom
boy: andrew tucker
looks: real ugly
opinion then: ok i guess
opinion now: horrible
repeated: yes

1ST FEEL-UP
Jesus i cannot remember!

1ST HAND ACTION-RECIEVED
age: 14
place: couch in bf's room
boy: Cody McMaster
looks: not good
opinion then: wow im excited
opinion now: not very good
repeated: yes

1ST HAND ACTION-GIVEN
age:14 or 15
boy: Cody McMaster
opinion then: this thing feels weird
opinion now: that thing is small
repeated: yes

1ST ORAL-GIVEN
age:15
boy:CM
opinion then: this is gross
opinion now: that was gross
repeated: once

1ST ORAL-RECIEVED
age:15
boy:CM
OT: ah! i am freaked out! but... cool!
ON: i want some action
repeated: yes

# OF GUYS KISSED
4
# OF HOOKUPS
2
# OF TIMES ENCOUNTERED COCK PIERCING
1
# OF GUYS I REGRET KISSING
0
# OF GUYS I REGRET HOOKING UP WITH
0
# OF GUYS I KISSED THAT I STILL LIKE AS FRIENDS
3
# OF GUYS KISSED THAT I STILL WOULD HOOK UP WITH
1
# OF GUYS WITH TATOOS
1
# OF GUYS WITH PIERCINGS (OTHER THAN DOWN SOUTH)
2
# OF TIMES IVE WANTED TO LEAVE AT SOME POINT
ALL

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9:20PM - dreams and burritos

I think to my self now, "why was/am I so bitchy" ? And I think it started with my mom getting me the wrong kind of burrito. I could have been losing the basketball game, or the grossness of Tereza, but i really think it was that burrito. because when you're looking forward to something that you're sure that you'll get, and then you don't get it, it just fucks with you.
and so later a huge argument ensued about whether or not we will move to ecuador (ikno-wtf!). and im like "if you look at it from my point of view, you guys have just gone insane!" and in my head-"YOU are supposed to be the adult-are you kidding?"
i love dreams. love love love them. ive been dreaming about smoking-which is kind of weird bc ive only smoked 2 times in my life... but i guess ive been running into the topic. what i really like are dreams about sex... but i havn't run into that topic for quite a while *(sigh)* i also like dreams about johnny, but i havn't run into him for a while either. i suprised i havn't had dreams about killing people-i think about that all the time.

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Monday, February 14, 2005

8:48PM

whoo i have eaten so so much candy today. its insanity. this holiday is just an excuse to eat tons of chololate and expect to get laid.
too bad i have no boyfriend.
so ill be spending my valentine's night at home, eating chocolate cake. or something. so whatever.

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Sunday, February 13, 2005

5:51PM

So,
there is this girl named "tate" that always posts comments on johnny's myspace site. and i wonder if she does this because she is really bored, or if she is obsessed with him. in the case of the latter, that is really stupid.
#1. she cannot be obsessed with johnny because that is my forte and i am damn good at it.
#2. at least i am discreet about it

and im still wondering about the non-internet-existent *Valerie* and what he could possibly be doing with a person whose name starts with val on a holiday that starts with val. i cant even begin to imagine the cheesy line possibilities.

only another two weeks of pointless embarrassing tourture aka basketball team.

my stomach hurts.

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Friday, February 11, 2005

6:59PM - CRUNK... and the festering pool of my existence

Lil' John on the track
(on the track)
...sorry. hip hops toughest rhymes-who thinks of these things?

so i have been confronted about the demonicness of bulimia. by my mom of course. so that very second i seem to have decided to prove that i don't have a problem, which failed miserably but succeeded beautifully in changing my problem.
and i have now become one of those people who eats an entire package of oreos and then drinks a diet pepsi. ive gained to pounds in about a week- 155. but i tell myself every morning that i have the power to get if off in a normal matter... followed by eating everything within reach that evening. but i hope to be making progress. because i know i can, its just a matter of doing it.
i also discovered what is i think the best blog site ever. Blaise K. is a goddess. check it out and bazima.com. fo' shizzle

school is like... the spawn of an overweight, middle-aged, depressed former pop singer and a crack-flashing janitor with severe anal leakage.

damn, i have to say, that is pretty good for me

johnny and co. are recording an album in cruces. (cue insane guitar riff)

i think what i really need is some lovin'.

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Sunday, January 30, 2005

6:48PM

my goodness i am so erratic, its insane. for most of last week i did pretty good, except for a binge on Wednesday night, until Friday when we were on a basketball trip and ate a pretty healthy lunch-chicken and broccoli and ezekial toast, but we had dinner at wendys where i had a whole cheeseburger and frosty (ugh i know) so that was going to be my binge day, but on sat i had to eat dinner with my dad's fam., which i ate tons, and ate tons today also. i have to get away from this weekend binging thing. im so glad to be going back to school tomorrow. it is at least easier to avoid all food there, and only one meal to aviod at home. so i think if i can consistently restrict for the nest week, then i can keep going and lose a lot. im thinking i don't want to weigh by self this week, just go be how i feel, cuz that usu goes better. my peroids coming and i hope that doesn't throw things off too bad. it would be so awesome to be thin enough to lose it... but im a big cow so that won't be for a while.
i love johnny, even though i haven't seen him in weeks. its pathetic. and i miss him.

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Friday, January 21, 2005

8:10PM - oh my god i am a big fat cow

uhhhhh i am so freaking full. ive been binging for like the past 3 or 4 days-like really binging last night i ate about 3/4 of a full-sized pizza. it has been awful. i finally got down to 145 for the concert, which took like a week and a half, then a few days later i binge for one day-i ate absolutly anything i wanted-and i gained back 5 pounds in ONE DAY. What the fucking crap. it sucks. and i have a b-ball game tomorrow in Eunice-i hate how everyone goes to the restraunt instead of bringing their own food or whatever. so probably tomorrow won't be any better, and ill start restricting AGAIN on sunday. this time my goals are going to be:
145 by sat
135 valentine's day

i wish i could just stick with my plans for once i always end up eating something really good and bad for me, then my brain kind of goes "well, you really fucked up now, so you may as well have some more" and i end up binging big time. i have to get some more self control... and even though i think its a pretty good system, i wonder if when im restricting, i don't eat enough or something and thats why i end up binging my usual food for a restricting day is;
7:30-coffee with splenda, sometimes cream or milk
11:00- diet pepsi, , maybe piece of fruit
between 2:00 and 3:15- fruit usu. apple
dinner-depends on what i can get away with, often nothing, or a small salad.

i'd love to compare food and see what people think about my lame ass dilemmas.

i feel like a fat huge bloated freaking blimp

Current mood: full
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Tuesday, January 11, 2005

9:15PM

aahhhh crap we lost AN0THER basketball game today we suck so bad. i at least got to play for a while and burn some calories.
i started restricting again yesterday, which i did pretty good then but i binged really bad today:
breakfast-1/2 grapefruit, coffe w/ cream, sugar, kahlua
lunch-salad, 2 taquitos, sm bag doritos, 7 cookies
before game-4 pancakes, 1 gl orange juice, 1 bowl oatmeal.
my heavens that is so sooo much its terrible. i definatly have to do better tomorrow. i just went insane during the tournament and ate everything i saw. so i gained back about 6-7 lbs. i wonder if im the only person able to do that in 3 days. it is horrible i think its like COE. cuz im just out of control.
well i made a goal that until the day i wake up and am 145, i can't wear my brand new awesome volcom shirt. im at about 153 right now, so hopefully it will be good initiative. er im so fucking fat i hate it. and how am i supposed to get rid of these awful stretch marks.

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Wednesday, January 5, 2005

9:00PM - the elephant girl

so i finally finsihed my finals today after two weeks w/ nothing-that biology is ridiculous. Paige is fuckin going out with Andrew again so they are hangin out a lot... which kind of sucks but its not like i can say anything.
i was walking down the hall today, and happened to walk by the locker of this very obese girl. she is seriously the largest in our school. huge ass. she was there and had her locker open and for some unfortunate reason she had i newspaper cartoon of an elephant hanging in there. and i looked at the elephant, with its ears sticking out and whatnot, and then i looked at her body shape, and they were exactly the same shape. it was kind of hilarious but also sad-like how could she do that to herself? it seems like theres no way she could fit in a desk. thats horrible to say but true.
well i have been eating (or not) pretty well for the past few days... mostly just salads w/o dressing and fruit. but tonight my mom gave me some green chile stew that smelled devine, and i felt so bad and i was hungry so i ate it. then i ate another bowl. i know i am so bad. but let me tell you; purging green chile really stings your throat for real. but when these things happen, it has to be done right? mostly just because of all the beef in it. so here's my past 5 day's cal count:
sat: ~ 10 (fast) sun: ~ 700 mon: ~ 695 tues: ~ 250 wed: ~ 370 (w/ the stew)
i finally went down about 3 lbs on the scale after being 150 FOREVER god that is so disgusting. but i also have a tourney this weekend, so that should really get the cals burning. NEW FRIEND-sugar free red bull-10 cals and lots of energy.
mrs fuchs gave me a book to read- "reading lolita in tehran" i started it and it seems pretty good. so far.
peace-k

Current mood: blah
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Monday, January 3, 2005

7:05PM - Back to School and The Day of Loving Death

going to school sucks!! it was so nice to not have to go in until 10 (usu. 8), but god once i got there...
the faculty set up a memorial service for my two teachers that died recently. i didn't even know about it it was so lame. it was just really cheesy and like was trying too hard to be depressing and didn't even do them justice as people at all. it sucked. so like for the rest of the day all people did was sit around saying how they couldn't believe it and blah blah blah blah. and its like yes they died, but really that is not bad at all and we just have to keep truckin until we graduate from this place or die ourselves.
but good, no great news-i saw Paige for the first time in two weeks, she died her hair dark dark purple it looks black in some lights but oh my god it is SO BAD-ASS. it looks so great. its funny that we both kied our hair darker colors w/o even knowing each other was doing it. she seems to be getting more into like stuff that i am again god we havn't hung out in so long.
well my freaking new year 3 day fast turned into a 40 hour fast. i really thought i could do it but at like 4 yesterday i opened the fridge (i know, i know) and there were these boston creme and pecan pies of all things from the party, and i just kind of went insane-i had some of those, but my mom finished them off before i could... i wanted to kiss her. then i ate all kinds of other things it was insane seriously like everything in the fridge. i purged some of it later but not nearly all it was a really good purge but im so dumb!!!. but at least today i have done alright, not great but ok,eating really healthy and low-cal. im going to have to try eating more low cal things instead of tiny bits of whatever because i think my metabolism is getting jacked... but that is also from not having b-ball practice for 2 weeks.
we have a game tomorrow against Tularosa-we're gonna get our asses beat. oh well fuck it. i can't wait for it to be over so i can get my piercings. i think the only reason i stay in now is for the exercise, and even that is has slacked off a lot. but hopefully after the tourney it will pick up, thats what everyone says...
to track or not to track... ? i have no fuckin idea
im gonna be so pissed if mom doesn't let me go to the concert next week, after inviting brittney and all. jesus it only 7:20 this sux... i don't know what i keep waiting for , but i cant wait for the end of the day... may just because im a day closer to being 18 and living like i want to.
1 year, 10 months, and 27 days to go. it doesn't seem like so far when i put it like that.
the other day johnny asked if i was going swimming in the summer. and i was thinking, would it be like the same as last summer, only we're a year older and and im not getting any ass from him ;) hehe that sounds bad but really... i still don't know what the fuck is going on in his head, probably never will. if i could pick any one small thing to happen that would make my day, id be for him and his stupid girlfriend (eeeeeeenh Vaalerieeee) to break up. wish i knew where that ho lived.
well holy crap this has gotten long.

Current mood: crazy
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Saturday, January 1, 2005

6:40PM

Today is the first day of my fast. It is going quite well so far. i decided that i would have sugar & cream in my coffee because its so much easier to drink and it makes me very full, so those few cals are worth it. so that is the only cals ive had all day.
i have to stick with it.
im so glad the stupid "holiday season" is fuckin over.
--ask for flowers for valentines day.

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Thursday, December 30, 2004

8:07PM - i love this

a lil get-to-know me
are you?
[x]ugly.
[x]pretty.
[x]bored.
[ ]happy.
[x]depressed.
[ ] blonde
[x]bilingual.
[x]white.
[ ]black.
[ ]short.
[x]tall
[ ]grounded.
[ ]sick.
[x]lazy.
[x]single
[ ]taken.
[x]unhappy with your body.
[ ]perfect.
[ ]talking to someone.
[ ]IMing someone.
[x]scared to die.
[x]sleepy.
[x]annoyed.
[ ]in your room.
[ ]drinking something.
[ ]eating something.
[ ]naked.
[x]ticklish.
[ ]listening to music.
[ ]homophobic.
[ ]racist.
[ ]cautious.
[ ]on Rx drugs.
[ ]famous.
[x]flirtacious.
[x]shy.
[ ]funny.
[x]mature.
[ ]immature.
[ ]friendly.
[x]mean.
[x]cold.
[ ]hot.
[ ]a neat freak.
[x]emotional.
[x]sweet.
[x]a bitch.
[ ]selfish.
[x]stubborn.


have you ever...?
[x]been drunk.
[ ]had sex.
[ ]smoked pot.
[ ]kissed a member of the same sex.
[ ]had more than two jobs.
[ ]rode in a taxi.
[x]been dumped.
[x]shoplifted.
[ ]been fired.
[x]had a job.
[x]been in a fist fight.
[x]snuck out of your parent's house.
[ ]been arrested.
[x]stole something from your job.
[ ]celebrated new years in times square.
[x]played a sport.
[ ]went on a blind date.
[x]smoked a cigarette.
[x]gone on an airplane by yourself.
[ ]broken a bone.
[ ]had sex in a car.
[x]white lied to a friend.
[x]went swimming in your bathtub.
[x]checked out a teacher
[ ]celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans.
[ ]been to europe.
[x]made out in a movie.
[ ]taken caffiene pills.
[x]been to disney land.
[x]had a crush on someone you hardly knew.
[x]been to california.
[ ]shopped in Manhattan.
[ ]been skinny dipping.
[x]regretted something.
[ ]peed on someones lawn.
[x]peed on yourself.
[x]skipped school.
[ ]thrown up from drinking.
[ ]been butt nekked bangin on the bathroom floor.
[ ]had sex with a boy.
[ ]had sex with a girl.
[x]been in a car accident.
[ ]partied for days and days straight.
[x]had a family member die.
[x]played 'clue'.
[x]played truth or dare
[ ]played strip poker
[x]had a sleepover party.
[ ]had a co-ed sleepover party.
[ ]went ice skating.
[ ]dropped x.
[x]been cheated on.
[x]cheated on someone.
[ ]murdered someone.
[x]dreamed about murdering someone.
[ ]had a threesome.
[x]had a sweet sixteen.
[x]had a car.
[x]drove.
[ ]been in trouble with the cops
[ ]got a speeding ticket
[x]lied about your age.
[x]danced naked
[ ]used a fake ID
[ ]been engaged.
[ ]been married.
[ ]had a baby.
[ ]had a pregnancy scare.
[x]called someone and hung up. (about a billion times)
[x]faked an orgasm.
[x]pulled an all nighter.


holy crap there are a lot of things i've never done... its ridiculous i need to work on that!

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7:32PM - KILL ME PLEASE

I freakin binged so ugly today-5, five, FIVE, poptart pastry swirl danishes. oh my god i can believe i did that. thats 1250 calories in like 5 minutes. i tried to purge but all i got was like danish-flavored water... it was really hard for some reason, i don't get it.
also, mom found out about me going to johnnys and shes all pissed off for real!! she made me clean which i don't really care about, but she doesn't want me going to his house, or really anywhere else fun for right now, which pretty much jacks up my new years eve plans.
oh god i ate so much today.
and i tried on these pants of MY MOMS and they hardly fit!!! i wanted to cry. my ass is so so so enormous. it looks horrible. i don't know why but ive been so hungry today. grrr. i need some thinspiration. i feel sad.
so, so far today i've had 2010 cals. that is terrible. terrible. ill probably weigh a billion pounds in the morning.
i really wish johnny was my boyfriend, then we could make out all the time!!!!! and i would get drunk with him and the guys. and he could take me to get tatoos and i'd make him dinner. we'd be so busy having fun that i wouldn't eat anything but popcorn, just like the summer. i miss the summer SO MUCH!
i wish i was 4 years older, so i could live by myself and date johnny and do what i want. but instead im just stuck, a slightly antisocial and overweight virgin.
awesome. fuck off world i hate you.

Current mood: pissed off
Current music: Broken Black-Break M.F. Break
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7:32PM - KILL ME PLEASE

I freakin binged so ugly today-5, five, FIVE, poptart pastry swirl danishes. oh my god i can believe i did that. thats 1250 calories in like 5 minutes. i tried to purge but all i got was like danish-flavored water... it was really hard for some reason, i don't get it.
also, mom found out about me going to johnnys and shes all pissed off for real!! she made me clean which i don't really care about, but she doesn't want me going to his house, or really anywhere else fun for right now, which pretty much jacks up my new years eve plans.
oh god i ate so much today.
and i tried on these pants of MY MOMS and they hardly fit!!! i wanted to cry. my ass is so so so enormous. it looks horrible. i don't know why but ive been so hungry today. grrr. i need some thinspiration. i feel sad.
so, so far today i've had 2010 cals. that is terrible. terrible. ill probably weigh a billion pounds in the morning.
i really wish johnny was my boyfriend, then we could make out all the time!!!!! and i would get drunk with him and the guys. and he could take me to get tatoos and i'd make him dinner. we'd be so busy having fun that i wouldn't eat anything but popcorn, just like the summer. i miss the summer SO MUCH!
i wish i was 4 years older, so i could live by myself and date johnny and do what i want. but instead im just stuck, a slightly antisocial and overweight virgin.
awesome. fuck off world i hate you.

Current mood: pissed off
Current music: Broken Black-Break M.F. Break
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Wednesday, December 29, 2004

2:18PM - on yesterday...

well i forgot how it is to be around johnny and nathan. its like i like you all really a lot, and i feel very stupid bc i never say anything and i really want you to like me. but i don't know if they ever want me here at all, if they are just being nice or whatever or if they really think im a loser. god what i am supposed to do!! and why does johnny keep bringing up all the things that we did... i mean yeah don't you have a girlfriend. but still he is so damn sexy all the time and crazy and beautiful and... shit. god.

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Tuesday, December 28, 2004

10:17PM

today was alright i guess i saw my ex (johnny)... we went to try to set up his jacked-up house that he just moved... and listened to his band thay are awesome... anyway, i had bacardi & cranberry juice there, 1 green tea chai (does anyone know any nutrition facts on this?), and 1 chocolate, plus 3/4 apple and 1 orange. So that is pretty good i guess. at least a lot better than lately. i was scared shitless my mom was going to find out where i was, im not supposed to hang out @ johnny's house... it must have been a kwaanza miracle or something that she didn't notice the cigarette smell in my hair.
i am working down to the fast on the 1-3... keeping busy is quite helpful in avioding food!! when i go out, w/ guys or to the gym or whatever, the time just passes and when im done i feel so good that im not hungary!! it great! stay strong ladies...
later

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Sunday, December 26, 2004

8:02PM

got home from the grandparents today. i gained 8 lbs. over one week- inc. damn christmas dinner, and binging the ENTIRE time i was there-millions of cookies, pie, ice cream... im suprised i don't weigh 300 lbs.
good news at least-i got some pajama pants that are too tight, but i can tell that its just from the weight ive gained-so they can be an indicator of if and how much i am getting smaller.
im fasting tomorrow, then under 300 cals/day for the rest of the week, then fast on the 1-3. i want to be 143 by jan. 8. after eating so much for a whole week, going to bed feeling like i need to throw up every night, im really actually looking forward to starting restriction again-just have to resist the cookies and chocolate around the house-thats the biggest problem.
gotta stick w/ it!!!

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