To me this is a prayer and not a song.   
03:59pm 04/05/2004
 
mood: hopeful
music: Evanesence - Bring Me To Life
EVANESCENCE

"Bring Me To Life" (Fallen) - Buy it now!


How can you see into my eyes
like open doors.
Leading you down into my core
where I've become so numb.
Without a soul
my spirit's sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home.

(Wake me up.
Wake me up inside.
I can't wake up.
Wake me up inside.
Save me.
Call my name and save me from the dark.
Wake me up.
Bid my blood to run.
I can't wake up.
Before I come undone.
Save me.
Save me from the nothing I've become.)

Now that I know what I'm without
you can't just leave me.
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life.

[Chorus]

Bring me to life.
I've been living a lie
There's nothing inside.
Bring me to life.

Frozen inside without your touch,
without your love, darling.
Only you are the life among the dead.

All of this sight
I can't believe I couldn't see
Kept in the dark
but you were there in front of me

I've been sleeping a 1000 years it seems.
I've got to open my eyes to everything.

Without a thought
Without a voice
Without a soul

Don't let me die here
There must be something wrong.
Bring me to life.

[Chorus]

Bring me to life.
I've been living a lie
There's nothing inside.

Bring me to life

[]

I hope that soon this becomes a song to me again and not a prayer.

(whispers a name under his breath)		  
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Wow do I feel so special again   
04:28am 03/05/2004
 
mood: loved
I feel so loved and useful again. Without talking about everyones personal business I.E. tell the entire full story Meredith called me kinda late into the night. I did not mind for she can call anytime day or night. She has permission for 24/7/365

Someone treated her very very wrong and kinda left her on the spot holding the bag so to speak. She had a bad night and called me to talk about it.

I did my best to consul her and she said it worked. It made me feel very special for the following reason. Someone once told me you could love someone, but you have to like them as well. Think about it. Ever see people that claim to love each other even if they fight like cats and dogs?

I do love Meredith very much. But I also consider her to be my best friend as well. So while tonight/this morning when we did say good bye on the phone and we did say I love you to each other, I more played the role of "Best Friend to Talk To" more then anything else. It was nice to experience that with her again. It makes me very happy.

I love you Meredith....and I like ya too! ; - ) Its nice to have a best friend again. Its been awhile since I've had one.		  
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My heart leaps for joy!   
04:24am 29/04/2004
 
mood: loved
Someone has added their voice to mine! Someone who I cherish and value very very much. She surprises me and bring me great joy at every turn! Dear god/goddess up on far. Yes I *DARE* ask no BEG you grant me my one wish again!!!! I think even the gods have no clue as to how much joy happiness and peace she brings to me. All of this is like a dream come true again!

I crying tears of joy and nor longer cry tears of saddnes.

In my heart of hearts god/goddess I beg you grant me this one wish. Please just this one wish. And I will never ask of you again.		  
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FUCK   
08:26pm 28/04/2004
 
mood: angry
I am DAMMED if I do.... And DAMMED if I don't!!!		  
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Going to my think tank   
11:38pm 21/04/2004
 
mood: contemplative
Its rainig like a mother still outside. But I don't care right now. I am going to go to my think tank I.E. TJ Mullens in Cordova. I have alot of things on my mind.....sigh Don't worry I will *NOT* be getting drunk. I'm not even gonna drink. I'm just gonna think.		  
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Damm turkey!!!!!!!   
12:27pm 21/04/2004
 
mood: tired
Arggggg!!!!!!! I forgot turkey had triptophane in it!!! Triptophane makes you sleepy!!!!!! I just got my dam internal clock back on track too! (yawns)		  
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I want to cuddle   
01:57pm 20/04/2004
 
mood: numb
I want to cuddle with someone again like how we used too, but she is 600 miles away. (frown)		  
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I don't get it. And things get more complex   
02:52am 19/04/2004
 
mood: contemplative
So I went out tonight. I didn't plan on it really since I over did my exercise today and I am very very sore. We went all over as per the norm and finally ended up back at TJ Mulligan in Cordova near my old place.

Missy the bar tender was there. I flirt with all the bartenders mind you, but Missy tonight expressed an interest in a little bit more then flirting. (What is with me and bartenders lately? Why do they all suddenly like me?) I did get her phone number, but I dunno. I like that bar and don't wanta ruin not going back in there. Plus would she be just another TOY or maybe something serious? I'm tired of the toys, but they *DO* have their place I guess. I am a highly sexual person. Should I wrote off all the toys? I all ready pretty much have, but I could easily get them back as well.

My friend (who has always asked to remain nameless. they get pissed enough when I even ask them if I can use their name in this thing) who went with me was upset. He/She is a good friend of mine and we have been talking alot lately about many a thing. He/she tonight said they wanted to be MORE then friends now. We have never had sex together or anything. Arggggggg I dunno. I dunno about ANY of this.

God just having the fuck toys is so much easier in a way, you have sex you go home, but the lack of love is just so depressing. So I dunno keep the fuck toys until I find someone serious? Is this the right thing? (shrug) I'm just tired off all the bullshit. Maybe it is hard to explain in words.		  
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HOOBASTANK   
07:19pm 17/04/2004
  "The Reason"

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You [x4]

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you		  
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We talked for like 4 -5 hours!   
12:52pm 17/04/2004
 
mood: happy
Meredith called me on the phone last night! It was a great joy for me to listen to her voice again. We talked about so much. We are still in each others hearts. This makes me beyond happy. We BOTH agreed that we are not ready to jump back into anything it. There is alot of things going on in each of our lives. But I am STILL in her mind and heart and she is still in mine. I had to chock back some tears a few times I was so emotional.

I also got the answer to who or what caused all those problems that day. Near as she could make out an old vindictive roommate she had caused all the problems that day. I do not know the girls/womens name but I hope that this FUCKING CUNT old roommate burns in the deepest level of HELL! You have no CLUE what you did to the lives of two people that day!!!!! You whoever you are ruined an entire year in my life if not more! I wish very bad karma back upon you!

Meredith was quick to point out to say that "Didn't I say we would find one another again?"

God I am so happy I wrote her that e-mail. I can put so many things to rest and with some luck and time who know maybe we will be together again. Stranger things have happened. For now I am secure and very happy with the way things are. For the first time in along time I am so very happy!!!!!		  
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Sigh   
08:24pm 13/04/2004
 
mood: confused
I *STILL* can not use past tense words with someone. (sigh)		  
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Fuck I am so pissed at my mother!!!   
06:13am 11/04/2004
 
mood: awake
Its 6 AM in the morning and my mother calls me. I FREAKED OUT when I see the caller ID! I thought for sure my father was dead or something. She just called to ask me like the world most stupidest fucking question!!!!!!!! Jesus that scared the shit outta me!!! One of the things I hate most is worrying about a loved one dying or getting hurt. God I hate that feeling. Its a feeling of hopelessness. A feeling of like there is nothing you can do to prevent things or protect/save your loved one. My adrenalin is still pumping good here. Gonna be hard to get back to sleep now...sigh		  
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Me and my big mouth   
02:28am 11/04/2004
 
mood: confused
Argggg! Sigh I might have scared someone or something with my big mouth. Dammit! I hope I didn't spook this person. Jesus Jeremy how do you do these things? We just started talking and things kinda just happened and....sigh		  
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Happy Easter everyone   
02:28am 11/04/2004
  I wish you all many chocolate bunnies and peeps galore! Happy Easter everyone.


(I hope mine doesn't turn out so lonely this time)		  
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There are alot of things I would like to write here, but not at this time. Easter alone.   
11:23am 10/04/2004
 
mood: gloomy
Some of you like me will be spending Easter alone. Some of you will not. If your lucky enough to have friends, families, and loved ones near you then please hold them dear to you for you are indead very very lucky. A person never realizes what they have until it is gone.

God I wish I finished medical school now instead of jet mechanics school. I am so tired of moving for my job. I've lost track now of the holidays I have worked, and/or the holidays I have spent...alone.

God do I hate the word *alone*.		  
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I am Jeremy's flu bug   
09:06am 08/04/2004
 
mood: sick
Jeremy would like to sleep right now, but I am not letting him sleep. While he no longer feels cold and has the chills. I am still preventing him from sleeping. I will be sure to screw up his sleep pattern all over again!!! MUAHAHA I am the evil flu bug and I have spoken!!!!

P.S. Oh I am doing my best to make him dizzy now as well.		  
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Arg hate being sick   
03:41am 08/04/2004
 
mood: sick
I want to chat with her again, but I think we are both still kinda scared to say things or something. But it was still very very nice to chat with her. I did miss her so.

Argg sick! Got up in the middle of the night here.		  
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Everything is unlocked...read on   
04:57pm 07/04/2004
  ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ read the headline  
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Argg getting sick I can feel it   
04:57pm 07/04/2004
 
mood: sick
Well there goes the wednesday Rally Point night. I'm getting the flu I can feel it starting as I write this...sigh Being sick sucks. I sure have been sick alot since I've been in memphis. I know I don't have AIDS or anything I have been tested for it many a time. I think its my screwball sleeping pattern that does it.

Suicide__Kitten or Masters Kitten or whatever you are this week LOL I promise I'll write you back soon.		  
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Back to a public the journal.   
12:14am 07/04/2004
 
mood: determined
I always said I would never make this a friends only journal nor would I lock any part of it down. I only did so because of a few asshats causing trouble. I have never once deleted or modified my own journal entries. I *HAVE* deleted things like spaming responses from others. I have always said that I will write what I wanta write and the rest of the world be DAMMED.

Therefore I will be going back and unlocking all the postings. I never should have made this friends only. Half my entries are still public anyways. It will take some time, but all entries will be public and open again soon.

I never did like making this thing friends only and I have bitched a few times about making it so.

Therefore I am *UNDOING* it. Its now public again. Are rather will be soon. it will take some time to unlock it all.

I know if someone is reading this they think I am doing this for them. Well kinda but not really. I was going to make it all public again anyways.

I do not regret who or what I am nor do I regret the things that I have wrote about nor done nor anything in my life. (sigh ok ok one regret and you all know what it is I said it like a million times)

So with that read on fair readers read on.		  
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lord_velos
 
 
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