| My last blurty entry. Farwell people. | |||
| 01:57am 27/06/2004 | |||
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I have thought about this entry for quite some time. When was the last time I was on? A month maybe more? But it doesn't really matter anyways. The reason *WHY* I have not made an entry in forever is really very simple. The chapter of the past 3 1/2 years of my life is...CLOSED. This jounal represents those past years. Most of those years being very sad and not so good to me, but there was ALOT of fun mix up in there as well. I've seen and done many a thing, meet alot of people, and learned many a lesson. But all of that is in the past. A past I can not change nor re-live no mater how hard I try. I find that when I think of these past years all I do is become more stagnent, uncaring, unmoving, and depressed. I was going no where FAST by reflecting upon it. So I put this journal to its final rest. Hell I already have, I just never made an entry saying so. When I look forward to the future things start to move ahead again. Case in point when I first moved here to Memphis. I was so looking forward to my return to a job I love. A women who I thought I was going to marry, etc etc All these event came along and started rolling again because I thought of the future, and not the past. I find myself in those same shoes again. The past shall remain in the past. All my questions and lessons have for the past 3 1/2 years have been answered, solved, and revered. Know that I am happy. Know that I have conquered and overcome many a personal demon and problem. Know that everything is finally once again all A-OK. Another new journey for me has begun about a month ago. I am just posting this to say farewell. Good bye all! I hope you enjoyed the read! To bad you people will not be around to see the next chapter in my life, but I think this time around my thoughts, feelings, and adventures will remain MY OWN and not be put on public view for display. The next chapter in my life promises to be a much brighter one I am sure. May god/goddess bless and keep you all safe and sound in all your travels. To all the people, places and things I have meet, seen, and done I say this. I have NO REGRETS. bye bye (one last evil grin) |
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| Read 6 - Post | |||
| Somethig is not right. I dunno what;s wrong. I dunno I think I am crazy now | ||||
| 03:01am 30/05/2004 | ||||
and then I thought I fixed a jet engine, but I dont' work. I dont' work anymore!!!!!!!!! My two loves are gone. Meredith and jets airplanes. I think I am crying but I dunno. I had things and then I lost them all!!!!!!!!!! And then lost them again and again and again. And now I have nothing. I'm not sure if my cats alive. But kitty can't die cuase she's on a pedistal. No No don't take kitty away again. Plz don't PLZ PLZ. I fix her charm and earring and eveything!!! And she said she loves me. I dunno I dunno and I'm going to hell!!!!!! I don't wanta!!! I'm not a bad person. I didn't do anything wrong. I love things and they go away or try to kill me. NO NO I'm not. Nothing loves me. So I can't love things or they hurt me. And I'm scared. Something is not right and I know it. I'm not feeling well and they are gonna hurt me and lock me up. But my father is sick and I can't be locked up! I'm the strong one remember the whole family looks up to me after my dad. I have to take care of my mother and my dog. Cause no on else will do it. BUt with out my kitty life is stupid now. It hurts to love something so much then to kinda get it back only to lose it again. You know I was gonna do this huh god? My time is short.... I can feel it. How many more things will you *RIP* away from me? HOW MANY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW MANY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! To many!!! That how many things have been ripped and re-taken from me. What have I done to PISS you off god? I am beaten. I know what I have to do now. I will miss you all so much. I'm gonna cook like my grandnother tomarrow. Then we will share a beer and drink cards like how we used to when she was around. Then things wil be OK again and I can fix stuff and help people again. I hope I can help Meredith. Maybe at least one of us can be happy. If I don't go to hell. I had a dream, but that dream was taken from me.....TWICE. |
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confused| FIGJAM!!! | ||||
| 01:38pm 25/05/2004 | ||||
Had Mary on Monday ( that even sounds kinda neat Mary on Monday lol) Shannon tonight (Tuesday She will be my little school girl and I will be Daddy {evil grin} ) Secret can not say the name for Tommarow (Wednesday) FIGJAM (winks) |
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amused| Alot to say, but too tired | ||||
| 11:26pm 20/05/2004 | ||||
(Sigh) There is alot going on right now. Some good some bad. What else is new right? Turned down a GREAT job offer in Texas. Thanks Meredith! We could have had everything back again and more! I sincerely hope your happy. You and that damm Taurus stubburn side and your abliity to find all the BAD in people and things for no reason other then you fear change or need an excuse for something. (Sighs again and shakes his head) Blah you wouldn't like my new body anyways. Its becoming more and more muscle head/Mr. Universe all the time, and I plan on keeping it that way. |
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frustrated| UFOs and the Mexican airforce | ||||
| 11:26pm 16/05/2004 | ||||
I mean WTF is the Mexican Air Force? Two dragonflys and a mini camera taking photos? LMAO |
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silly| Only took me 8 FUCKING months to find the place, but I did and it was well worth it. | ||||
| 03:33am 15/05/2004 | ||||
I will tell the rest of this strange, spooky, and very interesting, yet well worth telling tale tomarow when I sober up. For a teaser I leave you with this. Ever see both Blade movies??? Ever see the club scene in both of them? Well I FUCKING FINALLY found it here!!!! I am so MOTHER FUCKING HAPPY. Plus I am a VIP to the place and didn't even know it!!! LIke I said a strange, odd maybe even unbelieveable tale for tomarrow. There is so much to tell, but I will tell it tomarrow. |
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| Good or Bad? | ||||
| 05:54pm 14/05/2004 | ||||
Jeez this is town is like shooting fish in a barrel! |
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| 1 1/2 years in the making. A hard lesson learned the hard way, but now the circle is complete | ||||
| 12:02pm 12/05/2004 | ||||
I learned many a lesson in the great " since 9-11 see Jeremy chasing his job and life race from Michigan to all over the damm world" trek. Some were simple like Jeremy gets job back, looses it again do to powers beyond his control. I accepted that twice. Some not so simple like, Jeremy buys house and nice car, Jeremy has to loose said house and car because of lack of money to do job loss. But there was ONE and only ONE thing I never accepted for those of you that have read my journal after all this time you know what that one thing is. I've said it a billion times I have only one regret. Jeremy finds and falls in love with Meredith. Jeremy and Meredith part. * I NEVER ONCE ACCEPTED THAT!! * That is until *NOW* It still sadden me to say that, but its true. I held myself back from so many things and so many people because deep down on the inside I was still in love with Meredith and the ghost of her would simply not let go. She claims she felt the same way towards me, but I really saw very little evidence of it. I wrote about her all the fucking time in this thing, she wrote about me maybe twice in her journal. I am not Meredith. Maybe she really did/does still love me I dunno I hope at one time she did, but looking back I so had to FIGHT to get it from her. I even had to fight Meredith herself for it at times. She loves to play things like a waiting game on you, or she goes out of her way to FIND something wrong in EVERYTHING. She like to test you and see what you will do. I'm sorry I didn't see it before, but I can sure see it now. She claims since we parted that she has been diagnosed with manic depression. I now think there is even MORE to be added to that diagnosed as in add some neurotic tendencies in there as well. Every person she tell me about she FINDS some wrong with them somehow some way. Or if she still hangs out with said person like gamestop Matt it's because misery loves company as neurotics love neurotics ( I've been around the block too many times and seen an example of it a few hundred times). Maybe she doesn't even realize what she is doing to herself or to others around her I dunno. She says nothing is new anymore and things are dull and gray, well Kitty things are always gonna be dull and gray if those are the only things you ever look for. You say you want happiness, but I don't think that is true. You like to wallow in the pity of it all. She self defeats herself before she even starts! She told me over the phone not so long ago. Well my new viewpoint on marriage is this. Since it seems to not work for anyone I'm not gonna get married. Fine if you think something is not gonna work then it sure as shit is not going to. Maybe I am lucky in the 75% of my friends that are married are STILL married, but I think I choose my friends more wisely. If you tell yourself something is *NOT* gonna work then sure as shit it's gonna fail on you, for you defeated it before it's start. That's why you have yet to finish college as well. I also just love how you can justify lying to others, but they can not lie to you. Like when Matt lied about his other women. Or Chris lying. YET you can still suck off Coles dick while he was with Rachel? All because you think sucking dick is not a sexual thing and doesn't count? Genitals in mouth for purposes of sex gratification counts as adultery in most courts of law I know of. Oh no thats not cheating/lying to others, no not at all Meredith would never do that. And like I said on the phone Kitty hey at least I wasn't fucking people in lieu of paying for the rent. Thank you for opening my eyes! You are by for the most confused, self centered, yet self destructive women I know (captain destro *IS* a great nickname for you!), you hide it well yes, but its true and you KNOW it is true. You KNOW that mentally there is something wrong too, but you refuse the help for it. I honestly think you need more help then what you realize or maybe you just refuse to see that as well. You were the last lesson I had to learn from my 9-11 trek, but a lesson I did finally learn. Too bad I had to learn it the hard way. I was so in love with you. or maybe it was just the IDEA of you and what we had for a time in that small trailer in no where Texas. Maybe because I got no closure before I felt that it never ended. At least this time you around where were a bigger girl then last time and you didn't get your MOTHER to call for you. After all is said and done your still just a frightened little girl aren't you? Making up the rules as you go along. Most women claim they dislike a man that lacks self confidence. Well Meredith the same thing holds true for men as well. Most men dislike women that lack self confidence and you Meredith lack alot of it. You still have so much to learn and so far to go Meredith. I wish I was there to see your karma swing around and hit you in the ass. I learned what I need to from you. I learned that sometimes no matter how much you love someone sometimes that love is not really returned. I also learned not to let the ghost of my past haunt me to my present day. You really are NOT all that after all Meredith and I let alot of good women pass me by over the guilt I felt for still loving you. Well that guilt is gone now. Hell I never should have felt it in the first place should I? Go play your fucked up mental kid frightened girl games with the others. My slate and conscience is clean and clear now. The ghost of you will no longer hold me back ever again. Part of me DOES still love you Meredith I will admit that. but an even bigger part of me say "Jeremy yes you can love her, but not like before, not now, and not like this under these circumstances" I do not hate you Kitty. I know we said alot of cruel words last night. I SHOULD hate you, but I don't. What I feel for you now Meredith is a sadness for you (not for me) and PITY. And like I wrote to you in my last e-mail leaving you with the feeling of pity is really very sad and in a way even worse then how we parted before. But it was still great fun while it last and I will treasure what little time we had together. I don't honestly know if you feel the same I hope you do, but I guess now it doesn't really mater. Thank you for the love that you made me feel at one time. Thank you for that little peace and happiness I found in that small town and trailer in no where Texas. I have to let you go now kitty even if it still saddens me just a little, we just can never be and I can see that now. I hope you find whatever it is you seek. I wish you nothing but the best and all the luck in the world. I will still say this one last time for I still truly mean it. I love you Meredith. .... but I am so sorry I have to let you go (tears in eyes) may god/goddess have mercy on both our souls. |
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| Read 6 - Post | ||||
| And point proven | ||||
| 09:40pm 11/05/2004 | ||||
I called you out and you dislike it huh? Like I said at least I was not FUCKING for the rent. Like I said try the prozac. I know what NOW what I had to learn from all this. I should thank you really Meredith. I can start anew again without the ghost of you haunting me. I'll write more later about what I just learned. I learned the hard way and the long way of a few things, but I HAVE learned. |
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| WOW | ||||
| 08:58pm 11/05/2004 | ||||
I was so right! I was played a fool for TWICE. Fuck you and your games Meredith! I hope to god someone does it to you some day. I see you now for who and what you really are. I'm sorry I ever loved you. |
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| Crying | ||||
| 07:35pm 11/05/2004 | ||||
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depressed| Sigh.... | ||||
| 06:25pm 11/05/2004 | ||||
I'm back at square one. I don't know what to believe. Hell I'll go so far as to say she could have lied from my re-mailing her again. Nothing makes sense anymore where she is concerned. I'm sorry Meredith I really am, but if that is how things are between us then as much as I STILL love you... I have to let you go. I think you now get off on making yourself and others around you crazy even if you will not admit it to yourself I think you enjoy setting yourself and others up for some kind of fall. Your neurotic ( I think it started after I left for Memphis) and now since I think about it you seem to hang out most with other neurotics (like gamestop Matt) as well. I'll conclude that the orginal "weird phone call" that drove us apart was in fact YOU and not a roommate like you claim. I think I have been lied to the entire time. I think many a game has been played on me. If you truely loved me Meredith then you won't do the things you did/do to me. That is not love. My heart is so broken, but at least this time I have a reason as to a why and a how. |
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| How ironicly funny. Mostly over a beer too | ||||
| 02:10am 10/05/2004 | ||||
I want the one that wants me to go away. Not the size 1 with 38 C cup breast that is vying for my affections combined with a great personality and brains equal to the first person . (most men would KILL for this one easily I have a pic, but I am not posting it just yet) I talked with "stay away" for like maybe 30 mintues today. I talked with size 1, 38 C long red hair for several hours today. StayAway said that me tossing my beer on someone was a bd temper thing. IRONICLY without me even telling her about stayaway women size 1 38 C I found out tonight confessed she *WAS* there and even got hit with the overflow of beer. (I can remember her out of the corner of my eye) She saw my car the next day at a different bar (my car is very very easily reconzie able) and said she LOVED the balls I have to be able to stand up for myself and to be able to toss said beer in a persons face that more then deserved it. And that boldness is something that made her want to meet me. Two different people, two different viewpoints one person in the middle...ME But add love into this equation and it changes things for me. I love the one that want me to stay away for a bit. Oh what a tangled web we weave. I have alot on my plate to maybe re-think and re-elavuate. I think I'll do so while drinking a beer. Just to add more irony to it all. (smirk) |
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contemplative| Gut feeling was correct..... | ||||
| 09:21pm 09/05/2004 | ||||
Dear God/Goddess in heaven. You know what is in my heart and mind and what I am asking of you. I beg you.. not twice.... you know this time around I could not deal with it. I'm so fragile on the inside. If it breaks again... (shudder) All I can do is wait. I've been asked to waited like this before. I dislike it, but I will do it. I will so not be sleeping for a few days I am sure. I have not feel so wounded and hurt in some time, but I took my chance anyways. It's better to know that you took a chance and feel bad about it then to *NOT* take a chance at all. I dunno all hope is not lost really. ARGGGGGGG I'll stop rambling and wafflling on now. I think I need some alone time myself now. |
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| Got a gut feeling about something | ||||
| 02:08pm 09/05/2004 | ||||
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| Argg feel bad now | ||||
| 06:28pm 08/05/2004 | ||||
This is all a shocker to me for a number of reason. 1) I was looking like SHIT IMHO 2) These women are not the kinda to normally go into TJ Mulligans let alone go there like around 4 PMish. 3) Why is it when you love somone else and you want to be with that person that OTHER people just start coming out from under the wood work all over the fucking place!?!?! I swear as soon as you decide to NOT look for anyone is when they ALL come out after you. 5) And why do women size 4 and under dig me so much around here? I feel confused. Maybe even kinda hurt and also kinda lonely. |
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| It was still awkward | ||||
| 11:23am 08/05/2004 | ||||
Lary was fun we always are, but she is just a THING to me really. Oh and to be a DICK I did not make her cum ONCE. Kinda like a sick fuck with her mind kinda thing just cause I could. She was my toy and she was making up for lost time since we fought so I was an uber mental and physical dick head DOM last night. |
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okay| A very good day | ||||
| 11:27pm 07/05/2004 | ||||
PLUS OMG THEY NEED A TEMP GROUNDS KEEPER!!!! RIGHT AFTER I RETURN FROM MY VACTION IN TEXAS!!!! That works out just PERFECT for me and the rent for awhile. The reality of it is it is about 3 hours of work a day, but you get paid 40 per week at 9 an hour for it!!! I am just sitting here on my ass anyways *PLUS* you get to make you own hours fof it!!!!!!!! Easy as pie money for nothing really!!! I am so gonna take it!!!!!! I am just sitting in my apratment anyways and/or jogging/working out around the complex, so I might as well get paid to do so. :-) I know Kitty that we are not together right now, nor is jealously my thing nor yours, but know this. While we both see others, my heart and my love is with *YOU* and *YOU* only. I know you feel the same about me. So everything is OK. (Hell the sick perverse side of me would LOVE to hear about any sexual story you have to tell me {evil grin} ) We are both very sexual people by nature. Shit I will go so far as so say I wish I was there. DO you know HOW much perverse kinda sexual fun fun we could have togther with all these people? Hmm the thought of that *DOES* turn me on!!! ( evil grin) But over all I am safe and secure in the fact that *WE* love each other. Love is different then sex. I love you Meredith the rest means nothing to me as long as I have your love. (big smile) |
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| The night ended with me throwing my drink into he face of a female | ||||
| 01:31am 06/05/2004 | ||||
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| Read 1 - Post | ||||
| WOW alot of things are in the works! | ||||
| 11:58am 05/05/2004 | ||||
My unemployment benefits *SHOULD* be extended I have to go down in personal tomorrow and re-file. I'm kinda sorry I cut my hair now. But after my mini vacation coming up I will be much more active in finds another airline job. OR oh hell I have too many options and ideas to list right now. I maybe be able to live rent and payment free someplace depending. And right now that is a good thing! |
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