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Thursday, January 16th, 2003
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1:33 am - see I remembered to update and I'M STILL KINDA HERE DAMMIT
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A letter to myself
Dearest Claire:
Do not read old diaries with scribbled entries on how much you love(d) your ex-boyfriend ever again. In fact, put those diaries in a box high up in the closet where you will forget about them.
Or at least wait for about 5 more years or when you are truly over him. It looks like that's how long it's going to take for you to get over it.
It is not amusing or heart-warming to read these journals. They only remind you that you used to be crazy in love and totally clueless. And that he broke your heart into a million pieces too many times, and even if you know he obviously wasn't the one, you will still feel like shit.
That is all.
Love,
Claire
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| Sunday, January 12th, 2003
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2:47 am
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2:35 am
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Oh dear Blurty. Oh dear, dear Blurty.
I've been neglecting you. And I can't lie...there is another.
Okay, enough of that. See, I'm a dork when it comes to customizing blurty and livejournal, but I'm pretty okay at html otherwise. Especially when I use cool templates that I don't know how to use in blurty.
So I have my own site, see? I tried out blurty in the beginning cause lj was annoying me. Then, fickle Gemini that I am, I decided to try my hand at my very own site. And it looks pretty good. And I have been neglecting this journal because of it. I figure I'll still comment in my friends' journals, cause I like them. But I doubt I'll update this anymore. But I might. I just can't make any promises at this juncture.
I know that probably sucks. Don't hate me friends.
I am giving away my community, austin community. Someone else can moderate and be all austin-y with it. I have offered it to  specialaupps first cause he just turned 21 or something. If he doesn't want it, one of yous in Austin can have the damn thing.
Oh yeah, my NEW SPECIAL FABULOUS SEXY journal is at fluxdebouche.com.
Please visit me, darlings.
current mood:  accomplished
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| Tuesday, January 7th, 2003
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2:23 am
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It always starts well. I meet someone who I find interesting and attractive, someone who I'd like to spend more time with. He seems to agree, and we start to hang out.
My parents never taught me to depend on another for self-esteem. I was never taught I needed a relationship- in fact, there have been times my mother has discouraged it. "You don't need a relationship," she has said. "You should focus on your school and work."
And she's been right. And for a while I have, and then I decide that I can handle dating someone while still focusing on my life, and so I open myself up to it. Like I said, in the beginning, everything looks fine.
Then something changes inside of me. I become this person I was never taught to be. I become needy and dependent on others for my own self-worth. The change is so sudden that I don't even see it coming. No matter how many times I swear I'll never do it again, I start to look to the other person for attention. Lots of attention. And if I don't get it, I get upset.
Hell, I even see myself doing it and I can't seem to stop myself. It's not that I get all psycho...I used to be more that way. Now I'm more subtle. But it's just as damaging and they feel it as well as I do.
Then inevitably, they break it off with me. I cry, and now he's just another asshole. But the truth is, I do it to myself. I understand completely where they're coming from, as I would be the same way.
The thing is, I'm not like this with all guys. It usually seems to be the ones who don't quite match up, the ones that aren't quite 'it', who should be happy to date someone like me. I don't really mean that arrogantly- but it's kind of true. I'm pretty cool, ask anyone.
But I'm also incredibly, painfully sensitive. I know it as one of my strengths and a big weakness. But I will never, ever really be able to change that. I'm getting better at masking it, but I will always that way. I have so much self-esteem in many areas, but the one thing I need to change is my self-esteem in relationships.
It's funny, because a friend pointed out to me that I hold a fine line between the attention that I want and what I consider too much attention. He described it as 'a razor edge' and he's right. Ignore me, and I will think you're the greatest. Call me everyday and tell me you really like me, and I'll run like hell.
It completely confuses me too. And while I am in no way looking for a serious relationship, because I have neither the patience nor the time, I wouldn't mind meeting someone who I really clicked with. Who didn't scare me away, and whom I didn't scare away.
But I've decided something. I'm not going to date anyone for a period of... 3 months. Yes, that's it. That actually may be a record for me since the time that I actually started dating. It will be good for me to remember who I am and why I'm so fucking cool with noone else interfering. And hopefully, after the months of being alone and really liking it (and I think I will), I'll be able to remember that I don't need anyone. That I'm happy on my own, but you can come along if you like. That you will not ruin my day if you don't see who I am and what I can be to you. Yay.
current mood:  contemplative
current music: Tegan and Sara~ Not Tonight
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| Saturday, January 4th, 2003
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1:42 pm
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I will always remember the day the sun shone dark on your hair and I forgot where we were and kissed you lightly on the nose and suddenly there was no more secret.
I'd like to go on a road trip. We could start here, in the middle of Texas and drive. We'd have to go south, of course. South is the only way to go in winter when you're not sure exactly where you're going. Bring your passport, because we might end up in Belize. We could borrow a red convertible and smoke Marlboros and drink Mexican Coca Colas in glass bottles. Beers with lime. The sun would always shine, except at night, when a warm rain would fall. We'd wake up in the morning and everything would be fresh and bright and dewy. And we'd go back on the road, listening to old country and western music. Blues when the sun was setting. I'd need a cowboy hat. We'd stop at every scenic overlook, at roadside bars where we'd dance with the locals. I might fall in love with a mariachi. We'd sleep on the beach, with sand as our pillows. At night, we'd count the stars and forget about our other lives.
We'd be like Thelma and Louise, except for that part when they drive off the cliff.
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| Friday, January 3rd, 2003
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8:20 pm
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Okay, I seem to neglect this blurty in favor of my other journal. That's not cool. Because I like this little blurty and the people on my friends list. But in fact, I have been rarely writing in either journal. Sometimes I hate writing and sometimes I love it.
You know what I wish I could do? Date several people at once. I've never been able to do that, I go on dates with new people in a row but I usually get caught up in one guy and that's it for a while. Of course, then he dumps me or just uses me for sex and I'm back to square one...but whatever. Another factor is that I rarely find several or even two guys who are interested in me at once.
I've joined an online dating thingie. It started out as just a joke, as fun...and it is fun. I'm not a sad loser, really. I study education so I don't meet guys there(there is ONE guy in my cohort). I don't go out very much because I'm a poor student and I prefer to make good grades rather than guzzle tequila. Although I still do at times, but whatever. I rarely like guys I meet in bars. They have a front up, and I don't trust that that's really them. But I have a front up too, often. Besides, conversation turns me on, and it's hard to talk in a loud bar or club. And I tire easily of the feeling of competition in bars- the girls with the booby tops and the thick lipstick....that's not me anymore. I'm too old for it, I guess.
So I've been talking to this guy...okay, guys. One guy I've met, and we've kissed and all that. He started acting weird after we did, and I called him on it. He admitted he felt strange and I was quick to clarify that I didn't know him and didn't have any agenda or ideas. I was just having fun. I should have added that I have a date this weekend, so he needn't worry.
I think I like him, but then I really don't if I do. He's a nice guy, and really smart, which is a turn-on in a big way. He makes me laugh, and is nice enough. But really....I enjoy the attention. What I would really like is a deeper connection with someone(that sounds really cheesy) but I really believe that when you meet that great 'one', you'll know. I haven't met that one yet, so I'll settle for the attention.
The problem is that with all my ideas that I can just superficially date a couple guys, and see where it goes...I just know that I'll start to have stronger feelings for one of them. And he will probably be the wrong choice. Another one who will hurt me in a new inventive way.
It feels inevitable, but right now I'm going to try to be as emotionally disconnected as possible as an experiment. To see if I can be a guy, like Samantha on Sex and the City. Don't get me wrong, I don't plan to do more than kiss, really. I think. At least, that's the plan.
I give myself 2 weeks before I cry over one of these assholes.
current mood: reckless
current music: bright eyes
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8:16 pm
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| Monday, December 30th, 2002
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10:40 pm
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Should old acquaintance be forgot...
Well, I now have plans for New Years.
17:00 Crack open first bottle of champagne.
17:30 Hop in shower with above bottle of champagne. (not with doodle, no offense)
18:00 Out of shower, primp, blowdry, tart up. End result- the I-don't-need-a-man-cause-I'm-fabulous-look.
19:00 On to the next bottle of champagne.
20:00 Taxi to the Radison on Town Lake, where we will be partaking in cocktails with various fabulous friends and acquaintances.
22:00 On to the Apple Bar on 5th, where we continue to partake in cocktails, looking fabulous of course.
00:00 Grab the nearest man next to me and make out with him shamelessly at the stroke of midnight.
00:01 Shove away aforementioned man and proceed to ignore his advances for the rest of the night, as I am fabulous and I don't need a man.
01:00 Dancing on the tables, singing ' I wanna party like it's 1999!'
02:00 More dancing with various sweaty and inappropriate men.
02:30 Stumble around the club, shouting out 'I dun need a man, yer ugly, I'm fabulushhhhh'.
02:35 Shoved in a taxi by my friends who are embaressed by my behavior.
02:45 Home. Stumble up to bed. Fall into bed with shoes still on. Sleep.
Sounds fucking great, eh? I bet you're jealous.
current mood:  cheerful
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, December 27th, 2002
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12:17 am
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Today was my materialistic consumer day. I bought a DVD player, one of those bulletin boards with ribbons instead of tacks, and a couple DVD's. I got Dangerous Liasons for 6.99(score), LOTR and the second season of Sex and the City. That show is so fucking good. Period.
I had a good Christmas, generally. It was the first Christmas I've ever had without my parents, and I'm 25 years old, so we're talking a quarter century of traditions and memories. It didn't help that my parents were in Vienna, drinking gluhwein, and going to a beautiful church for mass. I'm not Catholic or anything, but Catholic churches on Christmas Eve in Europe make me wish I was. For the good parts...if there are any anymore.
I spent the day day with my brother and his wife, and her family. Because they've only been married for almost a year, I don't know her family very well. They seem nice, but I felt a little uncomfortable. But Christmases are never going to be as good as they were when I was 10, I guess. I brought them real champagne and truffles. It was good, but I honestly can't tell the difference between real champagne and Tott's.
Tonight I was invited to go out drinking with some friends, but I passed on that. I feel like drinking some beer, but it's just too damn cold outside. So instead I watched LOTR, and I really liked it. I wish I was an elf.
J Ho and I were just talking about guys we know who can't drive a stick shift. Now, both J and I learned how to drive on a stick shift, so we are scornful of people who can't. Especially men. It's not very sexy.
Tomorrow I actually have to work. I'm glad to make the money, and I'm going to be babysitting a 4 month old and a 1 1/2 year old kid. I like babies, they're cuddly and they sleep a lot.
I'm also going to meet up with a boy that I've been talking to. He seems...smart. Very important. Let's hope he knows how to drive a stick. I think I may paint my toenails red.
current mood:  relaxed
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, December 24th, 2002
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1:07 pm
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I had some great conversations with some friends last night, late into the morning. I'm lucky- even though some of my friends are far away, through the wonders of the internet we can stay close.
On the Random Acts of Journaling website, they give writing prompts every month. I've been thinking about one of them, and decided that today is the day to answer it.
Given no monetary constraints, what would you purchase for the people on your gift list during this season? What intangible things would you like to give to the people on your gift list?
I'm going to combine both into one. So here is my Christmas list for those that I love:
J Ho, my roommate and friend~ Tangible gift- New clothes, because she never has the money to buy anything nice for herself. Intangible- Comfort and knowledge that she's made the right decisions in her life recently.
Kim, a friend~ Tangible- a vacation to someplace sunny and warm. Intangible- Peace and love in her family life.
Rachel, a friend~ Tangible- That BMW she's always wanted. Intangible- The ability to love herself, alone or with someone.
Kristen, a friend~ Tangible- a hottub so she can relax. Intangible- A boss or company that sees and values how hard she works.
Luis, a friend~ Tangible- A clown outfit for him, and a nun outfit for her. Intangible- Peace. Love from someone who deserves him and treats him well.
Cameron, a friend~ Tangible- Money. Usually a crappy gift, but he needs it right now. Intangible- Strength in dealing with life and its difficulties.
Chad, my brother~ Tangible- He probably needs a haircut. Intangible- Recognition for his creativity, intelligence, and sensitivity.
Tony, my brother~ Tangible- The best computer money can buy. Intangible~ Peace, love, he's doing pretty well in this area.
My mom~ Tangible- Furniture for her new room. Nice clean 1000-count sheets. Intangible- Her PhD she's been working so hard on, but I guess she'll get that on her own.
My dad~ Tangible- A big beautiful sailboat. And an Arabian horse. Intangible- A satisfying work environment.
My nana~ Tangible- A nice house to live in, with a rocking chair for her crocheting. Intangible- Love, comfort, peace.
The rest of my family and friends~ Tangible- Round the world tickets. Intangible- Peace. Love. All that good stuff.
George Dubya Bush~ Tangible- Nothing. Intangible- Openmindedness. Tolerance. Introspection. Insight. Knowledge. Wisdom. Empathy.
The rest of the world~ Tangible- Food. Clean water. Good health care. A warm place to sleep. Intangible- Love. Peace. Understanding. Tolerance.
I leave you with this short video. I'm sure you've read the statistics before, but with the images and music, it's more striking and thought-provoking.
Merry Christmas.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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11:58 am
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Merry Christmas! Ho Ho Ho
current mood: Christmas-y
current music: Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer! Had a very shiny nose!
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(7 comments | comment on this)
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12:18 am
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They're selling glass bottles of Coca Cola with Santa on them at 7-11. Buy some before I buy them all. Coke tastes better in a glass bottle. With Santa.
Tomorrow, I drive to Houston to spend Christmas with my brother and his wife. My parents are in Vienna right now, and my mom has called me three times today to check and see that the boxes of Christmas presents have arrived.
Today I've been feeling comforted in my solitude. I've been doing useless things like watching tv, playing a computer game, and reading the book my roommate got me for Christmas. It's called Mother of Pearl, and despite being an Oprah's Book Club book, she says it's her favorite book ever. I love getting people's favorite books as presents.
I was telling J Ho last night how comfortable I've been feeling being alone. Every night, I crawl into my bed and relish the emptiness of it. This is my bed, all mine...no hairy, smelly boy to take my blanket or pillows.
I can do what I want, and there's no sadness or anger at someone who's let me down or hurt my feelings. My life is feeling simpler, and I'm liking it like that. Of course, this is all subject to change at any moment.
Last night, I made mulled wine and we watched Y Tu Mama Tambien. Don't ask me how it was, I fell asleep halfway through it.
I miss drinking mulled wine in cellar bars in Krakow with friends with Scottish accents. I miss coming out of a cellar bar and seeing huge snowflakes come down and trying to catch them on my tongue. I miss snow angels. I miss wrapping my scarf around and around and tucking it under the collar of my long wool coat. I miss stamping snow and ice off of my winter boots and feeling the warmth of inside envelope me.
I love warm, sunny weather, but that is Christmas to me.
current mood: Christmas-y
current music: Taxi Ride- Tori
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, December 22nd, 2002
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10:59 pm - short and sweet
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Tonight I have lit a fire and made mulled wine. I used to get pretty drunk off that stuff when I lived in Krakow. It is goooood.
Jenn is going to be home soon, and we're going to watch Y Tu Mama Tambien. And open presents. It should be fun.
I have been feeling so guarded and anti-social lately. I like to stay in my room and read about other people's lives. I'm a loser. Not really.
On Christmas Eve, I'm going to go to Houston to my brother and sister-in-law's house. My parents are in Germany. I'm not as psyched about Christmas as I am about this mulled wine.
I'll try to write more later. Stay tuned.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, December 21st, 2002
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8:38 pm
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Last night, I got an IM from a former friend that really surprised me. I won't go into the incredibly long and boring details, but I'll give a little background. We had hung out almost every day in the summer. As school started and things got busier, we stopped seeing each other so often.
At one point, he hurt my feelings when I asked him to do something and he responded by saying, 'I don't want to hang out with women right now.' We argued about it, and I was hurt, but I let it go. I guess I thought he would get over it eventually and we could be friends again.
Then, one day, I went to his livejournal to see how he was doing. It had been a couple weeks since we had talked. He had just written an entry, using my first and last name, saying that he had never liked me and was only my friend because he was lonely.
I don't remember feeling angry or hurt, just really confused. I could see no explanation as to why he would be so cruel and mean. With my first and last name!
I let it go. I chalked it up to making a bad decision on who to be friends with. I thought it over and over, and while I knew it wasn't my fault, part of me felt that it had proven my distrust of new people. In a way, I could justify my defensive nature by saying 'See, that's what happens when you open up to people.'
Last night, I got an IM from him. It started out with 'Merry Christmas'. He went on by apologizing. He said that he had screwed some things up, and was trying to fix them. He said he had been angry about some things and had taken it out on me. He said he understood if I didn't want to talk again, but 'we should catch up'.
To all of this, I barely responded with 'Okay. I don't know.' And that was it. It was the AIM version of being completely speechless.
I've thought about it. I have always been a person who could forgive almost anyone for almost anything, and I think I can forgive him. But I don't think I can ever trust him again, and without trust, we can't be friends again.
It makes me feel a little guilty for some reason. I mean, it's the Holidays, right? The time for being all cheery and forgiving and letting bygones be bygones.
I'm not the type to hold grudges, but I can't see myself opening myself up to him ever again. It was all too much.
It would be easier if I never cared for the asshole, but I did. He was a good friend during that time. I still feel confused, no matter how many people tell me that I don't need a friend like that. I've always believed in second chances, but I don't think I can do that this time.
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| Thursday, December 19th, 2002
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11:50 am
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Tonight is the get-tarted-up, get-completely-smashed Christmas party that my friends throw every year. It's at the B-side, a bar that I enjoy immensely. Jenn is getting an hour and a half massage and a haircut at a salon this afternoon (she has a gift certificate). I'm going to go the mall to get a red shirt to go with my obligatory black pants and NEW RED SHOES that I bought on sale for SEVEN dollars at Pangea Trading Company. Then I'm going to make a little spa of my own by taking a bath with the buttload of bath stuff my friend sent me for christmas. I'm going to look and smell fantastic. I think that dirty martinis may be the drink for tonight, I'm in one of those reckless moods.
Don't worry, we're going to take cabs everywhere and pretend we're New Yorkers.
current mood: cheerful
current music: Basement Jaxx- Romeo
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| Tuesday, December 17th, 2002
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1:46 am - hide and seek
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...you tell her about you relationship with him. You talk and talk, waiting for the cure. After a while, though, it occurs to you that even a perfect understanding of failed love is the booby prize.
You don't see him again. Sometimes you worry that he loved you better than any man ever has or will- even if it had nothing to do with you. Even now, he is every blue blazer getting into a cab, every runner along the river, every motorcycle coming and going.
~the girls' guide to hunting and fishing
I think my ex-boyfriend got married this weekend. I've been wanting to write about it, but I've written novels about our relationship. In my worn journal with the leather cover, scraps of paper tucked into books...poems, letters to him, lyrics to songs I swore were written about me and the way I felt about him.
I met him at 19. I had no experience of any kind of love or relationship before him. He was my first love, my first sex that wasn't drunken or a mistake, my first intensity and passion, my first live-in boyfriend...my first everything.
I spent two and a half years obsessed with him, one year trying to get over him, half a year stringing him along, and one year living with him.
At 24 years old, I got bored. I left him in Germany. I was selfish. I thought he would always be there. He proposed to another girl two months after we broke up.
The night he told me this news, I stayed up all night in a blurry daze trying to figure out what this was all about. I felt angry at him, angry at myself, and I hated that woman who was to be his wife.
About a month ago, I called his number in Austin. I wasn't drunk. I was lonely. I wanted to talk to the boy who had known me, who had told me I was beautiful and the smartest person he had ever met, and that I was a good person. Part of me arrogantly thought that I could get him back. I hung up the phone when she answered.
I immediately felt ashamed. I don't want him anymore. She wants him. He wasn't the one for me. I fell out of love with him, and maybe it was hurtful that I left him alone in Germany, but it was the best thing I could have done. For me, and for him. I hope he's happy now.
While I type those words, I know that they're partly a lie. While part of me wants him to be happy, part of me hopes that every time he hears Ani Difranco or Sarah Maclachlan, he thinks of me. I hope he misses me. I hope he looks twice at every girl who has dark hair and light eyes, both hoping and scared that it could be me. The way I look for him everywhere.
The way I imagine I always will, in small ways.
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| Saturday, December 14th, 2002
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3:24 am
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Today...I got a new haircut that I really like. She gave me a scalp massage with aromatherapy oils and I drank hot cider with cinnamon sticks. We talked about her cats and how I want a dog but I'm not ready for the commitment yet. She told me my hair was really soft and shiny, and I left her a big tip.
I ate lunch at Texas French Bread. The man in front of me in line got the last New York Times from the machine, so I read the Shot in the Dark ads, looking for someone looking for the girl with the soft and shiny hair.
The boy working the counter was cute and nice to me. He asked me how my day was, and I told him it was getting better.
I walked over to the vintage clothing shop next door, where I was told that everything was 30% off. I almost bought a cheerleader outfit, but then I realized that football season was over. I bought old worn soft t-shirts that I can wear with jeans. One of them is a teeball t-shirt with the name 'BARBARA' written on back. I hope people think my name is Barbara when I wear it.
I walked in the mall and looked at all the things I don't want or need. I did buy purple eyeshadow though. I put it on in my rearview mirror when I got back to my car and felt transformed into the girl who can pull off purple eyeshadow.
I came home and found the boy I've been dating online. The one who never called me last night like he had promised to. He said he was sorry. I said I was too. And told him goodbye.
I cried a little to my roommate and watched a movie, Ten Tiny Love Stories. It was okay...I forgot about everything for a while.
I talked to my roommate about the restaurant that she works at. I've decided it is run by the Austin mafia. I'm not joking...the shady shit that goes on in that place. She received a 100 bucks from a guy who works there today, as a 'Christmas present'. She later found out it was probably money he had made off of drugs. She still kept it. The waiters there have to take off their aprons when they go to the bathroom so they won't be able to shoot up in the stalls. The girl who was caught doing it a few months ago still works there.
Now I'm listening to Emiliana Torrini. I'm going to sleep for 10 hours tonight. Tomorrow will be a little better than today.
current mood:  okay
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| Thursday, December 12th, 2002
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11:22 pm
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Now and again it seems worse than it is,
but mostly the view is accurate.
It's been consuming me lately, this loneliness.
Throughout college, I had a lot of friends. My closest friends were a group of about 6 girls. We all met our freshman year and stayed close friends throughout the whole 4 years. We all had various friends on the periphery of our circle, but we were pretty much it. And it was good, and it was enough. And we were lucky.
After graduation, we all went our separate ways. It made sense that the type of friends I would have would not stay still for long. Even though some of them stayed in Austin for a time, eventually most of them left. I went to San Francisco for a month in June, then moved to Krakow, Poland, where I lived for a little over a year.
That experience changed me deeply, in ways I still don't understand. It was one of the hardest and best experiences of my life. I learned that I was stronger than I ever knew, and I learned I could teach and learn from people very different from myself. I traveled alone, met people from places I had never heard of, saw things that I still can picture in my mind when I close my eyes. I was terribly homesick, and incredibly happy to be away from home.
When the customs officer in Philadelphia asked me how long I had been away, I mumbled '13 months'. It surprised me to hear it out loud. Thirteen months. Thirteen. Thirteen months, and it's like I'm a different person.
Of course, I really wasn't. I was the same Claire who had left on this journey, I had just learned more of who this Claire was.
The days after those thirteen months were some of the hardest I've ever had. I had left the US with a feeling that I was doing what I had always wanted to do. I came back to a country and city full of dot-commers who talked about stock options and their SUVs and the house they were going to buy in Westlake. These people were the same who had graduated with me only a year or so before. I could not relate. They looked at me with blank and/or confused looks when they asked what I did. "Nothing" I said, "I've been living in Poland and traveling for a year."
I had come from a place where there are 600 year old churches on every corner and a horse drawn wagon still drives through the city carrying scrap metal... to this. More, more, more.
Some said "Oh, I've been to Europe. Went for a month last summer. I got really trashed in Barcelona, blahhaha."
Oh. I did too, but that's not what I took home with me.
I got a job, working in a company, at a desk, with a computer, and business cards with my name on them. I was miserable.
I tried to fit in. My old friends had all moved away, except for a couple who helped to keep me somewhat sane. I tried to meet new people, I missed having a busy social life with lots of friends. Living in a foreign country where you can barely speak the language makes you feel like there are infinite possibilities at home.
I had left with many people I felt connected to. I came back to those people living far away from me and not meeting any new people to spend my time with. I saw potential friends' eyes glaze over when I told them where I had lived and what I had done. Very few questions were asked about my experience, and I learned not to talk about it anymore. Don't worry. I'm like you.
I even lived in Germany for about 6 months when I was 24, with my boyfriend who I eventually fell out of love with. I came back to the same problems I had left at home.
I feel as isolated as I did many times while living in Europe, but without the beautiful buildings and museums.
I feel cheated. I was always told that it would be a great thing for me to do what I did- but I feel like it has just made people push away from me.
I push people away now too. It's easier to be alone.
There have been some people I have met since college who I have really liked and felt connected to- but not many. There have been those I have felt connected to, and then was hurt deeply by.
You don't know me. I am words on a screen, with a few pictures on a webpage.
All I want is to feel part of something yet all I want is to be left alone.
And so, here I am. Waiting for a boy to call me to make me feel like I am part of something, that I am liked. It is 11pm and he is out with his friends- I wasn't invited. I will be invited when he has time for me.
And I don't see that I have any other option other than to write these words on a screen and wait for things to get better.
and you're not really sure
what you're doing this for
but you need something to fill up the days. ~bright eyes
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| Wednesday, December 11th, 2002
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11:48 pm
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Fast forwarding through her messages hoping to hear from old boyfriends who finally realize the treasure they've thrown away. ~storypeople.com
I remember when I was in college before ('95-'99), very few people had cell phones. In fact, I can't think of one friend who did. The people in my circle of friends only started to get cell phones after we all graduated- perhaps they were too expensive before, I don't remember. Now I look around on campus and everyone has a cell.
My second year of college was the first time my roommates and I got caller id. Setting up the new little box next to our phone was an important event. Every day when any one of us arrived home, we would rush to the caller id box to check whether 'he' had called (or anyone else of lesser importance).
Quickly, I noticed that some of the fun in my life had been taken away. Although I now knew who was calling before I picked up the phone (handy if it was your current obsession, as you could answer in your 'sexy independent voice'), you also knew when he didn't call. There were no more excuses- he obviously wasn't interested. This little box also caused other unforeseen problems- once you got caller id, you quickly realized that others probably had it too. Gone were the days when you could call just to hear that boy's voice on his answering machine. Now, if you called, you had to leave a message on his machine because he would know. And you could only call once and hope for the best.
Of course, you also could easily find out who was stalking you. Your roommates would laugh with you at that boy who would call and call, who couldn't take the hint. This laughter was bittersweet, though- we all had been that one with the crush who couldn't seem to give up, and we knew we would be again.
I now don't have caller id- I would probably not even have an answering machine on my home phone if my roommate hadn't set it up. Everyone knows my cell phone number- I actually only use my home phone when I'm out of cell phone minutes. My cell goes with me everywhere, warm and secure in my pocket. The melody it plays when it goes off (currently 'Fur Elise') gives me a certain thrill- someone wants to talk to me. I am liked. Yet while it's comforting to know that I can be reached and reach anyone practically anywhere and anytime, there also comes with it the same problems I had with my caller id box. Those days or nights when noone calls, when I check my cell to make sure I didn't accidentally shut it off. If a call means 'I am liked', then no calls must mean 'Noone likes me'.
Do I really gauge my self-worth on phone calls? No. I just think that some of the mystery and anticipation is gone. But there's no turning back- I'll never give up my cell. If I did, how could anyone reach me?
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| Sunday, December 8th, 2002
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9:41 pm
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I've felt really lonely today. Lonely is my least favorite feeling- except for shame or jealousy. Those might be worse.
Today it feels pretty bad, though.
I've never been the type of person who has to be surrounded by a lot of people or even another person all the time to feel happy. In fact, sometimes I think I'm at my best in my head. I get nervous and insecure around others a lot. In my head, I always say the right thing, the way I look doesn't matter, and I'm the smartest and funniest person around.
I've been kind of willing myself not to cry today. But thinking about why I feel lonely makes me feel very sad. They always say it's better to let it all out...but why? Crying gets it over with, I guess- but in the end, things are the same and the only difference is you have a headache and your eyes are all puffy.
The thought of being alone forever scares me a lot. But what scares me more is me settling for someone and being miserable even though I am not technically 'alone'. Marriage and serious commitments have always scared me- my emotions and feelings change so much sometimes that I just know that one day I'll look at that person and think 'No, NO, no...what the hell was I thinking?'
Sometimes I feel like there's this ticking clock that never pauses for a second. It says, ' You are twenty-five years old, and you have only been in love once...and was that even really love or closeness and security? There has only been one who has loved you...what is wrong with you, Claire?'
I've had friends and others tell me that I am smart, pretty, a good person. Then why? I imagine they don't see what I see. They don't see what many see. I guess most guys I date see it, sooner or later. 'It' being....I don't know. There's definately something that makes me just the 'good enough for now' girl.
I'm the one that you can constantly break plans with and guess what? I'll take it with a smile. I'll make excuses for you, I'll tell myself that it was my fault. I'm eternally available, because even though I had some inkling of a life before I met you, I will drop everything to spend any amount of time with you.
Okay, the voice of reason- who has been the one who has broken it off with 90% of the men I've dated in the past? Me. But why in 90% of those cases did I do it? I didn't feel special enough, I didn't get what I needed from the relationship. And it always hurt, and it always felt as though I might be making a mistake or acting too demanding. I always second-guess myself, and part of me believes I don't really deserve more than what I've been getting.
So many who meet me and look at me don't get it. I've had an interesting life so far. I can put on that confident front pretty easily. I've done things others tell me are impressive and brave and interesting. I'm essentially proud of who I am, and honestly- I do like myself. I was never raised to be dependent on others for my self-worth.
I'm tired of doing this to myself. I'm tired of allowing others to take advantage of my sensitivity and forgiving and often insecure nature. If you don't see me and value me for who I am- and for god's sake, treat me like I am worth something to you....I'm done.
dammitfuckitThis is all talk. I just wish I could do what I write about here. And stop seeing myself as worth less. Worthless.
current mood:  sad
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dorky
