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Monday, September 1st, 2008
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2:25 pm
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Fucking September. Meh. I don’t give a damn. Hell, I’m glad, even.
It’s funny, the things students will do when they know they should be studying/doing some sort of work... Uni starts tomorrow, with Jewish straight off. I HAVE to study right now, but instead my house is spotlessly clean, I took a bunch of photos (like 2 of which actually turned out good), tried on all sorts of different jewelry to see how the pieces match, went through all of RS and GW, and even got to updating this. Heh. Fuck Jewish, man… Wonder if I’ll just fail it. That would sure be mind-numbingly fun and exciting. But until then, no more morning classes, at least. From now on they won’t start until 11:30 or later. That’s one hell of a bonus, I’ll actually be getting sleep now.
My sister started school today, by the way. I gotta say, she had a way better experience with that than I did… On my first day of school I threw up in the morning from being nervous. Then when we got to school we actually had some classes, and mom didn’t know when they’d be over, so she just went home. I ended up having to lug a bunch of books home all on my own, alone. I was just 6. …How fucking traumatic. Anyhow. Valerie just had some intro concert, then the kids were shown where their class is and met the teacher and crap. Me, mom, and even my grandma and little cousin (Christina, 6 years old) were there. Classes start tomorrow for her, and she’ll stay at school until 5 or 6 pm every day anyway, cause no one will be home to watch her. Nothing bad, practically all the kids in her class are gonna do that, apparently. They just sleep, play, eat and do whatever homework they might have, in a designated un-school-ly area under someone’s supervision, until their parents get them. Basically the same shit as the daycare.
Anyway. Gonna go eat something, and then Jewish. Fucking Jewish. ;_;
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| Monday, August 18th, 2008
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11:07 am
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My grandfather died.
I used to pour everything out here… Looks like I’m finally too locked up in my own head. And what the hell for, anyway…
But this, together with other shit that’s all going wrong… I’ve never been worse in my life…
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| Wednesday, July 16th, 2008
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7:22 pm
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1:28 am
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Long time no see.
Well what do you know, my “everything passes with time” conception still works flawlessly. Problem is, just as much new shit flaws in as old shit flaws out.
My grandfather is in currently in coma, with most of the bones in his body broken, as well as internal and cerebral damage. Got hit by a car. I’m talking about my father’s side of the family. You know, the loons. My grandparents were on their trip to Russia that they make most summers. [on a car that’s at least twice as old as I am] About 600 km from Minsk he got out of the car to buy a pack of cigarettes or something, and wham. Right in front of my grandma.
Fuck…
Definitely didn’t see this coming… I wouldn’t have been surprised if they got in a car accident, I mean for fucks sake he’s… about 80 and it’s a wonder their car still moves at all. But something as ridiculous as this? Fuck.
I’m not writing this in search of pity. I’m… just trying to sort my head out. We weren’t ever that close, I’ve only ever been mildly uncomfortable around him since I was a kid. Hell, even a bit scared, for a lack of a better word, despite this one sounding ridiculous coming from me. But yeah, we weren’t close. Mom’s side of the family is, well, FAMILY. My father’s is just relatives. Get what I mean? Still one hell of a shock. I always thought my grandma would die first… She’s been living with breast cancer for the last 5 years at least. As for my grandfather, he was perfectly healthy. Look how that turned around… And how suddenly…
My sister really loved him… Or loves. I don’t know which word to use…
Alrighty then, how about a transition to something brighter… I’m certain that there shouldn’t be any problems with Todd now. Oh, and yeah, he finally has internet again. I was talking about the plans for us to finally be together though. Purely a matter of money now. Then he comes here, we get married as soon as possible and send the damned spouse visa application to Moscow (bitch costs around $1500 =\) then wait about a month (at least it should be something around that) until we are told to haul our asses to Moscow for an interview. After that I’ll have a visa within 10 months.
Unlike all the other times when we had some sort of plan that ended up not happening for this or that reason, I actually feel confident that it’ll work this time. Can’t really explain why. Intuition. Plus this time I’m aware that legally everything’s gonna be on our side, hah. That’s a big load coming off my shoulders…
I can’t even begin to describe how exciting and nerve-wrecking it is at the same time, to think and plan all this out. So much I want to do, so much I NEED to do, so much I want to show or do with him, so much to organize that I haven’t the slightest clue about, haha. There’s a full new dimension that’s opened in my head all of a sudden.
As for now, Todd still works like a horse while I do nothing but sit and leap from feeling stupidly happy to anxious and nervous to selfish and useless to wondering whether I’m worth all this effort in the first place and then back to feeling stupidly happy again.
And the best part is, that feeling of happiness builds up. It’s a powerful force that sweeps you up and makes you immune to any form of damage from the ‘outside’. And it keeps getting more and more powerful… It’s just too bad that it’s all still in my head on a major level. The physical side of life still overshadows it, but just barely. I don’t exactly have the most difficult life anyway. It’s easy to be happy…
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| Wednesday, July 9th, 2008
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9:54 pm
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| Thursday, June 5th, 2008
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1:40 pm
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One shock after another and stress over half a dozen things at once.
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| Tuesday, June 3rd, 2008
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12:22 am
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Been over a week since I last heard from him. 3 since the last time we talked, I think. Or is it more now… How fucking hard can it be to find internet access? I don’t know whether to be angry, hurt or worried…
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| Monday, May 26th, 2008
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11:18 pm
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I think I did really bad on a test today. Further screwed up Jewish. Nothing good with Todd, either. Fucking hell…
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| Sunday, May 25th, 2008
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11:56 pm
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I realize that most of my problems are there only because of my own stupidity, but that sure as fuck doesn’t make it any easier. Next week in uni is going to be utter hell. I should be studying now but my brain is throwing a fit about it. Forcing yourself to do some sort of manual work is one thing. But how do you force your memory to take in information when your mind simply refuses to and wanders instead? The whole “DO IT FAGGOT, you NEED to!” thing certainly doesn’t work, because I know I don’t. Ahaha.
Frustrating.
I haven’t heard from Todd for a week. And the last time we talked was over 2 weeks ago. Jesus, I miss him… I wish he was here already… I need something to actually change. I need some sort of progress. I need to prove to myself and everyone else that he’s real, for fuck’s sake… I can only keep using him as an excuse for not being part of this reality for so long before I begin questioning my mental health. With or without things to distract me, those thoughts always manage to creep into my head.
Anyhow… I haven’t said much about what’s going to happen, have I? I’m talking about Todd coming here. Fuck, I suppose I can’t, really… Can only speculate right now, but man my head is going crazy. The only thing I’ve really decided on is that we’re going to rent an apartment for the time he’s here, somehow. A month of that would cost less than a week at a semi-decent hotel would. And it would only be better in absolutely every aspect. I just wish I had at least a vague idea of when this will happen. I don’t want it to fail like everything else… Like the plans of me going to Darwin this summer. Or everything having to do with money and working for Todd. If this plan fails, somehow, or is delayed for ages I just won’t know what to do anymore. It’s all I have. The last resort. Remember when I just started writing about the theoretically possible ways for the two of us to be together and transferring them into life? Todd coming to Belarus was the last item on the list. There IS nothing else after it. It has to come true.
Have I ever mentioned how scared I am because of that..? The path I’m walking is getting more and more narrow with every step. Moreover, it just doesn’t seem to wind the way I want it to.
I want this phase to be over already… Everything passes with time. Everything changes. There have been so many awful moments in the past, when I didn’t know how I’d make it through. I can’t wait to just look back on all this, being glad that it’s all over.
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| Wednesday, May 21st, 2008
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2:17 pm
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I’ve said before that I have a fascination with people who have mental problems. Not on a downs syndrome level though. Just the sort of people who seem perfectly adequate on the outside but have hell brewing on the inside. It’s all amazing to me. Because I don’t understand it. Been wondering lately… I have a perfect mind, supposedly. No headfucks whatsoever. I never even question my mentality until I start writing here, but when I do… Sometimes it seems like I’m more fucked up than all of the headfucks I’ve ever ‘observed’ in my life. Hell, take what I do with uni, for example. I’m unable to rationalize my actions and make a logical decision. I mean, I can figure it all out in my mind, but when it comes to actually doing something, I cannot do the right thing, even when I know the consequences. It’s not even that I’m too lazy to work, I just can’t. It goes like this: something pops up, my mind scans it, decides that it simply cannot be fucked reacting and puts up a mental block against the issue. The issue strikes again and my mind just repeatingly ignores it until the issue either dies or creates bigger and worse issues, until my mind is simply unable to shut it out anymore and has to deal with it. It’s not even plain procrastination or laziness, it’s… fuck if I know, but I amaze myself with it sometimes.
That’s just one thing though. The odd little incidents that make me question my sanity pop up all the time, relating to absolutely anything. Hell, sometimes I wonder if I’ve just been making Todd up all this time, but nah, that’s too much…
People who have read all this shit from the very beginning have said that reading it is like reading a novel… So how do you feel for the main character now?
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2:16 pm
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I cannot function like this… I’ve been skipping uni since Monday. I can’t do anything… I can’t even find the strength in me to do the things I’d normally enjoy, not to mention the things that I need to do. So far I’ve been passing my time with shit that takes a minimum of physical effort and just enough mental activity to distract my mind from thinking about anything on the ‘outside’. And that ‘outside’ is closing in…
I talked with Shadow a while ago. It was really something… Apparently he has a new life philosophy that revolves around him doing… nothing. Just clinging to his computer and the internet for entertainment. He doesn’t even want anything to do with any other people, because according to him they only irritate him, bring problems, and take him away from his 'new way of life' and take up his free time, which he could be spending on more entertaining and unstressful activities. To cut it short, he just wants to spend all his life sitting in his room, playing on the computer or reading books or whatever. Never working or bothering himself with anything or generally moving a finger unless it’s absolutely necessary. But the thing is, and I stress this, he wants to keep doing that all his life. He’s already been making a pretty damn good job of it by dropping out of college practically as soon as he got in and not working or studying or doing pretty much anything for a full year now. And I repeat, he plans on keeping it up his whole life. He said that he’s not sure just how the hell he’s going to be able to pay for everything by doing nothing, but for now his mother loves him too much to just kick him out. Heh. So for now, the plan is basically to live on by leeching off his relatives. “Is that so much to ask?”
Reason I brought that up is… No, no I’m not going to bother going on about how fucking absurd all that is. I mean, he is a tool, but that’s not my point. It’s just that he managed to pull off what I want to do just temporarily. Drop out of uni, forget about everyone and everything, ignore my family, and simply wait for Todd to pull me out of this. I know, that… doesn’t sound too great, to say the least. But I’m fucking tired of this acting and having to try to keep up with all the useless bullshit around me just for the sake of others, all while I know that there’s a way out and that I won’t remain in that parasitical state forever. Fuck, I would LOVE to do that, just for a little while, but I can’t, somehow. Even though I could justify it before my own self and everyone else. All I can do is… whine, but neither pull out nor go deeper in.
Guess this would be where you’d normally stick in the “God, I hate myself” line, but nah, I don’t. I just… don’t feel. Maybe that’s the problem. If I did I’d probably either panic or would sum up the courage to stop altogether and pull a Shadow already. Something has to be different… Something has to change… But what?
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| Tuesday, May 20th, 2008
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2:16 pm
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Have I mentioned that Valerie’s read all of this, due to me carelessly posting links to the journal in some places? Hah. I don’t mind though. I wouldn’t post this on the internet in the first place, if I didn’t want other people to see it. I’m just surprised that she managed to read all of it. She’s not that great at actually listening when you try to tell her anything… But I suppose that’s one of the things I’ve always liked about her. You never had to stress about talking. Just listen. Anyhow… She WILL have to hear me out about Todd though.
The reason I’ve been writing so much is cause the LAN is fucking up AGAIN for an unknown period of time. Been nearly two full days with no internet now. At least I know Todd’s not there anyway… He went absolutely insane while I was gone last time… I can’t imagine what he’s going through now. All he can do is email me every once in a while until he has internet where he lives. I hate this lack of basic stability
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| Monday, May 19th, 2008
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2:17 pm
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More than anything, I want to drop out of uni right now. I don’t need it, I don’t want it, I’m going to leave eventually anyway. Too much useless shit that I have to put up with, too many people I don’t want to see, and too much information that I have to clog my head with. The only problem is my relatives, as they are skeptical about Todd, to say the least. And besides, what would I do..? Sit on my ass and do nothing for a year? Just leech off my parents with seemingly nothing in return, ever? Hah. I suppose the best thing to do would be to just drop out and start working somewhere, but where? This is Belarus, there is only so much I could do here and for what I can do, I’d get paid rat shit. Still, it would be best in the long run, probably. I’d love to be able to talk about this with my mother, but I know she’d never react adequately to it. Like I said, she doesn’t believe in what I’m planning. And we were never close to begin with… She doesn’t know how to behave when talking about anything serious with me. Either she just doesn’t or she starts making stupid jokes and passing it off as something unimportant if it’s an issue that I brought up that affects me, not her. She either does that or the complete opposite and overreacts. I hate that… I hope I’m not like this if I ever have kids…
My point was, I made a big fucking mistake when I chose the university I enrolled in, and I’ve been making big fucking mistakes along the way through the year that I spent there. Solving them now isn’t worth it, either. I want to just leave, but with what’s holding me, I just can’t make myself. Frankly, I don’t know what’s worse… I hate how lazy and indecisive I am sometimes.
That really makes me wonder if I’ll ever actually attain anything in life… I always need to be stuck in order to start moving. Either that or have someone to push and drag me, although then I usually start putting up a fight to stay right where I am and not make a step in the right direction. I have Todd… That’s it. That’s all I can really think or say about the future that I want or am planning. If not for him, I don’t know what I’d do or be or what my state of mind would be like. No matter what, I can always think about him and say “oh, that’s alright, I’m going to be out of here eventually anyway, and none of this will matter” Guess he’s what’s keeping me sane and not depressed, emo and suicidal. Hah. In life and on the internet I find people who are headfucked in one way or another fascinating. Maybe it’s cause I’m just one step away from it myself.
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2:13 pm
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You know, I really lost the knack of writing here… So much for this seeming like a novel.
Right, anyway. I suppose I could say that some things got resolved. We have an idea about what to do about them, anyway. It’s all yet to happen though.
Todd found a place to live, at least. In fact, he’s there now. Renting a room in the house of someone he knows from work. It’s not too bad and is cheap, but I can’t say much more than that, cause there’s no internet there, and the last time I heard from him was a week or so ago and he didn’t have the time to properly tell me anything. He said he’d get wireless internet sometime soon, so I’m hoping on that… Meanwhile, I’m going insane missing him… But it all should get fixed soon. I just don’t know what to do with myself for the time being. So there goes anything having to do with uni. I just can’t fucking concentrate on the bullshit I have to do there. Gah, anyway…
There is one more thing. You might as well forget all I ever said about trying to go to Darwin in January or meeting in another country if that doesn’t work, cause that’s not gonna happen. We decided that we might as well just skip all that and simply have him come to Belarus and get married.
Sure as fuck simplifies everything, huh? The one problem in that is the major headfuck that I’m going to have to go through. Having him here, organizing everything, constantly being in the role of interpreter and tourist guide, my family, my friends, my whole fucking COUNTRY, and all that mixing in one giant whirlpool of psychosis that I’m somehow going to have to wade through and manage to get things done so I don’t regret anything afterwards. But the important thing is, well… It’ll be Todd. Here. With me. After 6 years of waiting. Todd. Together with me. And I’ll actually be able to go to Darwin after that. So hey. I might as well go through it.
But like I said, so far we only have the idea. Still no solid plan nor the means to make it happen. I don’t know when he’d come here, either. Might be another full year. Probably will be, actually.
So there you have it. Other shit in life isn’t going too smooth either, but I don’t care about it, even if it seemingly ruins me.
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| Wednesday, May 7th, 2008
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7:08 pm
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It’s good that I’m not prone to depressions and deep self-analysis. I’d wish I were dead already.
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| Saturday, May 3rd, 2008
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2:20 pm
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Alright, so here’s the deal. Not gonna go over the minor shit, just the things that matter.
Remember that position I mentioned Todd was supposed to get? He didn’t get it. He’s already been broke for weeks, and now any hopes of having a stable income anytime soon have evaporated altogether. That means he can’t afford to even try to get me to come there this summer. Although I suppose me staying in Belarus for now isn’t all that bad, at least for me. The reason? We’d have nowhere to live anyway. His lease runs out in August and he can’t renew it. Technically, he can’t even pay the rent now, so he’ll have to move out within the next few weeks. I don’t know where the fuck he’s going to live. Maybe he’ll rent a room somewhere, maybe he’ll live in some trailer, I don’t know. He doesn’t know. I’m not gonna bother dragging on about how awful all that is because that’s bloody obvious anyway.
So what do we do now… Decided to hold the meeting off until January. I’m going to have a full month off Uni, provided I’m allowed to take my exams early in the first semester of my second year. I’m really depending on that. And, well, I’ll try to get a tourist visa to Australia for January, and if I don’t get that, Todd and I will spend a few weeks together elsewhere. Code name “Turkey”. Oh yeah, and needless to say he’ll need a lot of money to make that happen, too. More so than if he were just going to pay for my tickets to Darwin. Once we meet I might as well apply for a fiancée visa… That will take ages to process, but the odds are going to be on our side. If all that works, we’ll be together in 2009 for good. The one problem is waiting and trying not to go insane now. Oh, and money. Goddamned money…
Also, I would like to mention that I am IN SHIT as far as Uni goes right now. Bigass problems with my coursework. I’m having to redo it for the 3rd time now, and was supposed to hand it in completed today. Instead I just didn’t show up at uni today, seeing how I just couldn’t get it done, and now need a medical document saying I could not go because I was ill. That and I need to actually finish the goddamned paper, which I cannot bear to even look at any more. But hey, the uni troubles are temporary and insignificant. Just need to get through it…
I’m so tired…
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| Friday, May 2nd, 2008
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3:07 am
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(for those who cannot put one and one together: my internet is now fixed)
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| Wednesday, April 23rd, 2008
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3:08 pm - Backdated shit
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That’s it, I’m going insane… I’m surrounded by incompetent dickheads who aren’t ever going to get anything fixed and I CAN’T do it myself. I don’t know when the hell the LAN/internet is going to be up, if ever. Seems that everyone just fucking abandoned the very idea of it. Good god, why did this have to happen now? All I can do is get online from Uni, which I will be doing tomorrow. But that’s just a fucking email a day, even if I try and get online from Uni daily, which I can’t be sure of. Fuck… I’m shaking on the inside already, I don’t know what will happen tomorrow. Todd and I are using Vamp as a messenger, seeing how we can’t even fucking text each other. Apparently he sent me some important email and wants to arrange a time when I can actually talk with him on the phone. Sigh… Why did this have to happen now… Worst time possible… Oh, and that’s just if thinking about me and Todd. I still have my coursework to take care of, too, which I can’t do either, thanks to this. Fucking hell, this is getting worse and worse every day… Teaches you to fuckign take care of shit as soon as possible rather than waiting for the last moment, just to have something get in your way. But why now..? Why..? I can’t think of any ways out of it, either.
Sigh… Uni tomorrow. I’ll be anally raped in English, cause I skipped class for 2 weeks, then I’ll be anally raped in another linguistics class cause I know I semi-failed a test, but at least after that I HOPEFULLY will have an hour or two to get online. Even if only just to read whatever Todd sent me and reply to it. I’m going insane…
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| Tuesday, April 22nd, 2008
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3:08 pm - Backdated shit
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4th day now… I’m surprised at how calm I am now, but I think I’ll start going insane soon. Actually, scratch that. I’m not calm. I just don’t feel. The worst part is, I don’t know when anything is going to be fixed. And I can’t do anything about it. Why did this have to happen… I could get online from Uni, but the earliest that will happen is on Thursday. And even then, what happens..? I’ll be able to send Todd a short email. That’s it. And what use is that?
Oh, and one more thing. I suppose it’s even more important than not being able to talk with Todd. At least it’s going to have to be resolved sooner. I can’t write my coursework without being able to get online. I simply don’t have enough material to complete it. Sigh…
There is some good news though. We’re getting a new computer for my father. Today. So he won’t be snooping around and fucking shit up on this one anymore, at least. That’s great. But arrgh… I need my goddamned internet.
Last time I talked with Todd we had a semi-fight. I ended up bursting into tears and storming off without saying anything. (Yeah, imagine scenes like that. Online.) Part of me actually wanted to disappear for a while. Guess I got my wish granted… I never wanted it to be like this, though.
I have an official day off uni tomorrow, hah. Just when I decided I would finally start showing up on a daily basis, seeing how I don’t have anything else to do anymore anyway. Guess I’ll try and get some work done for a change. Distracting myself with anything doesn’t fucking work though. I hate depending on other people… That’s what kills me most. No control over anything. Fuck… There you go. Officially starting to go insane now.
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| Monday, April 21st, 2008
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3:07 pm - Backdated shit
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Still no internet. Why did this have to happen now… Right now my only means of communicating with Todd is through Vamp, and I sure as hell can’t get anything done like that. Not that anything would happen even if I could talk to him any time I wanted… I’m starting to doubt that we’re going to get anything done this year. Or ever. Wait, did I say “starting to”? Ahaha…
I always knew this shit would happen… That the time when it would be possible to be together would finally arrive, but everything would halt. I can’t even put down a reason for why I think this is happening… Too young and stupid? Too indecisive? Just not taking it seriously enough and continuously putting it away for later? Hardly knowing what to do and not having anyone to guide us? Or is it just crap that sidetracks us, like Todd losing his job and me having trouble at uni, and so on?
Fuck if I know… All of that, plus a dozen other problems. I’m stuck. I feel like a helpless kid…
It’s so easy to dream and so hard to live…
I don’t want to believe that it won’t ever happen. It’s got to, sooner or later. I’ll figure everything out… I don’t have anything else to live for. A family that’s driving me mad, a tedious, useless education that I’m putting up with simply because I don’t have an alternative, a country which means absolutely no prospects just on its own, and no one else whom I could ever love after this… Hell, I should be pushed up by that shit, trying to get away from it. Instead I’m managing to sink deeper into it. What the hell is wrong with me..?
I just wish I knew exactly what to do, how, and had the will to punch myself in the face and do it. I need help…
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