All Summer Long

Subject:	"Now you only call me when you're feeling depressed... When you feel happy I'm so far from your mind. My patience is stretched."
Time:	5:49 am.

For the first time in I can't remember, I want friends. Maybe it's because for the first time I really don't have any. In other situations where I felt alone, it was just because I didn't really reach out to the people around me. They were available, but I didn't really make an effort. Now, I just want anyone to be with.

There are a couple people I could call, I guess. It'd be awkward and kind of scary and they might not even want to do anything with me, but it's possible. And I need to e-mail some people in Gainesville. See if they'll still be there when I get there, and if our lives aren't completely separated.

I took High School and a reserve of friends for granted. I didn't take my relationship for granted, but I miss it like classes. It was handy in so many ways.

See, that's what I always wanted. A relationship. And I got it. Then, I didn't have it. Then I had it again. Then, lost it again, ad nauseam. The point is, during it, I focused on that, and only that. So I ignored the other things. I don't regret doing so, because I'd still rather have that than almost basic acquaintances. But, since that's a dead topic, I'll take what I can get. I just want someone to ride around with at night, play video games with, see movies, eat fine meals, visit conglomerated shopping areas, and be able to call and rely on. I don't even need a shoulder, I think that's too much to ask.

But just, something would be nice. So I guess it's time to get to work.

love,
bryan.

7 friendly gestures. | Let's be friends.

Subject:	"I've come to hate my body and all that it requires in this world."
Time:	5:35 am.

Well, not having to worry about doing anything tomorrow is an OK feeling. I don't have to worry about being up so late. It just... it gets very lonely at this time of night. No one else in their right mind is awake (unless they're oceans away) and there's a reason they call it the "dead of night."

This weekend is dedicated to fixing my sleeping schedule, reading my material for class, buying groceries, and possibly going home for one day.

It's amazing how in the span of a few months you can go from as full a social schedule as you could want, to nothing whatsoever. And it's not just her departure (though I blame her completely for all of it). I had work colleagues, extended relationships, and assorted other goodies. But they moved away, or disappeared when I quit, or other unexplained hijinks. And now, with Doug moving away, that brings my friend count at home to one. That's just pathetic.

I'm so reminded of, "And you can tell I have never really loved... you can tell by the way I sleep all day."

Oh, as an update, my financial aid is going to go through. It's just going to be late.

As another update, it doesn't look like I'm transferring this semester, since the deadline is in around a week. Plus, my lease doesn't run out until next summer, and that will give some prep time to move over there and get settled and everything, instead of trying to find a place now and moving in over Christmas break.

Aside from that... blah.

love,
bryan.

7 friendly gestures. | Let's be friends.

Subject:	"Let us now kiss the culprit."
Time:	7:54 am.

My financial aid hasn't paid my tuition, and it was supposed to last Friday. I also read that we're supposed to pay back any monies given in the case of a withdrawal. They didn't do it the first time, but on the off chance they do it this time, I'm not sure if my parents have an extra $3000 or so lying around... on top of this semester's tuition, in case financial aid doesn't pay.

I'm such a burden. I'm going to cripple them financially, and I'm really doing nothing to stop it. They're losing money left and right through the business. My dad's going to end up working until he drops dead, and after that, I'm fucked, because I'm not going to end up having a career until I'm thirty, at this rate. I should just wander away, roaming the land and solving problems, or merely finding a nice cold place to curl up and die. Why did I ruin everything? I could have had a degree by now, easily. Paid for, completely, and could, if not working, be in graduate school right now on a fast track to a Ph. D. But now? Nothing. I have no direction, no purpose, no scholarships, no anything.

And most of all, no sleep. I have class in a few hours, and I wanted to check something at the mall, but it's almost 8 a.m. and I'm on here writing this depressing, cliche filled rant. Oh well. I'm sorry.

love,
bryan.

5 friendly gestures. | Let's be friends.