Blurty for Natasha.

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Thursday, May 26th, 2005

Time:12:12 am.
I've come to realize I have sanity issues
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Saturday, April 23rd, 2005

Time:2:00 am.
Mood: lonely.
Music:The Mars Volta.
I think I'm going to use this journal for more intimate posts since It's pretty safe to say that nobody reads this one. Well yeah, been feeling pretty on the lame side. I think it's safe to say that I'm a disappointment to my dad. There's so much I want to accomplish and he's really just dragging me back. I even try to impress him sometimes and I don't think he sees that. I hate so much how my dad has picked a favorite out of us two children and it's definitely not me. I keep on telling myself to run away, but I know I won't because I'm too afraid. I really don't feel like I belong anywhere right now. I've always wanted to have a nice tight group of friends that I do everything with but I can't find it.

At the moment I've just been dealing with the card I'm dealt without trying to make it better. I guess you could say I put myself into this situation. This applies to everything in my life right now such as friends, career, family, and relationships. Tonight David asked me to be his girlfriend once again, and I said yes, even though I didn't really want to. I have no real feelings towards him. I haven't even kissed him yet. I don't know if I even care to. Maybe I'm just too afraid to commit anymore. every time I fell hard for somebody, I always get my heart broken. First I fall for Dominic, lose my virginity to him, then he doesn't talk to me for 3 months, then I do the same with him again, and he does the same thing. Second was Allan. Fell in love, came back from Scotland, hear he cheated on me, then brakes up with me. Thirdly was George, fell so hard for this spunky e-tard raver. He wooed me. He flattered me. He made me feel so loved, but he found somebody else who lived closer.

Most recent fall was Nick. It's strange because we never officially dated but he made me so happy. My heart would always speed up every time he called me, even when he text-messaged me. Never did I have such butterflies before when I saw him. Then it seemed as if overnight he grew disgusted with me. Why? I don't know. I still think about him.

I don't know if I can trust anybody else anymore. I want to start over.
There was a little time, after I was arrested that I really had suicidal tendencies. I tried to drown myself but I couldn't hold my breath long enough. Now, the only thing that's kept me from killing myself is the thought of my parents having to deal with my death. After having 4 friends die in my lifetime, I really wouldn't want my parents to deal with something that tragic.
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Tuesday, March 15th, 2005

Subject:It's been ages
Time:11:10 pm.
Mood: cynical.
Holy Kamoliee! It's been over a year since I've posted! Well guess what, I look like a leprechaun at the moment.
Another thing, it is vital that you watch as much Kids in the Hall as possible. I’m trying to see how long it will take until I give in and pee.
And just a friendly little reminder to all you folks out there....
Image hosted by
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Wednesday, February 18th, 2004

Subject:Snot is not fun
Time:10:08 pm.
Mood: sick.
Music:"Loser" Beck.
The Four-day weekend was bunches of fun for the most part, well at least for the first days. Friday, I just hung out with Allen all night long. It was cool; we went down to San Diego and just walked around getting to know each other.

Saturday, I went down to Hillcrest with Melissa and Allen. The two of us girlsies got our nails done while Allen went back to his car to go have fun with his ganja. Afterwards we stopped by Melissa’s house then Cathedral. The Cathedral part wasn’t as fun as it was last time, but oh well. Allen and me left early and we hung out at my house for a little bit.

Sunday, I woke up with a little sore throat but not too bad. It was Preston’s birthday and I had a little present I was going to wrap for him but he came over too early with Julie and Andrew. Julie and Andrew dropped me off at Barns n Noble where I met Kate, Kayle, and Paulette for the rave. I wasn’t too decked out. I just wore my dickies dress/shirt with my corduroy bell-bottom pants. We all hopped in the car with a Matt I didn’t know yet but turned out to be a cool guy. On the way to Hollywood, we stopped by a Jack in the Box over in San Clemente where my wallet got stolen. Now this part really sucked because I didn’t realize it until we get to Tani’s house in LA so it was a little a too late to drive back but even if we did drive back it would have been too late. I’m pretty sure it was stolen because when I was at Jack in the Box, it was very very crowded and I forgot to zip up my purse right when I put my wallet back in my purse and then as I was putting soda into my cup, I feel a guy push up against me. Coincidence? I highly doubt it. So I was really bummed out about that considering I had about $150-$200 in there along with all my ID cards and a few gift cards now that I think of it. But I was not going to let this all get to me while I’m at the rave.

When we get to the rave, the gate says 18+ ID needed. I was just about to shit myself by this moment. But we finally got in after I gave them my whole spiel on losing my wallet and I was really 18 along with Matt showing that it was supposed to be an all ages venue, so it was all good in the end. As we got inside, it was great. I had fun and I danced all night long. I was a little irritated when I couldn’t buy any water, so I had to drink out of other people’s water, which I really hate to do, but I had no choice.

Monday & Tuesday: has royally sucked. Monday I woke up at 5:oo PM and terribly sick. Tuesday was even worse. Today, it was really bad, I didn’t even go to school so I went to the doctors and apparently I have strip throat, but I’ve got meds to heal me. I hope tomorrow will be a little better.
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Wednesday, February 11th, 2004

Time:3:07 pm.
Mood: anxious.
Last night I went down to PB with Matt and Melissa to get the tickets to project love grove. I don’t think that Matt really wanted me to come along because he probably was planning on making it a date with Melissa. Yeah shit like that always happens to me, so I’ve gotten used to it. It took forever to get down there because Matt just had to take highway 101. At first I was planning on telling my parents I was going to just spend the night at Melissa’s house for the rave but then I figured that I would never get away with it so I asked my mom if I could go to a “DJ festival”, and my mom said yes. I was stoked. I told my parents it would end a little late. My dad wasn’t too happy when I told them it was to take place in Hollywood. But now I can’t get in trouble and it’s going to bunches of fun.
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Monday, February 9th, 2004

Time:2:35 pm.
Mood: happy.
Music:Yeah Yeah Yeahs "Maps".

Gaa, it is once again, the horrendous Monday. My weekend was great. Friday, I was with Julie, Andrew, and Preston as usual (I’m such a surprise!). We played Monopoly while Preston mozzied around in my bed. Preston’s still being a little weird around me. He’s being nice with me now which is good but he’s still in that whole “I Love You and I’ll never let go of you” kind of stage which can be quite frustrating at times, because I still love him and I still think about so it makes it much harder to get over him but I’m doing it. And I’ve got other friends to get over him. My mom’s happy with me that I have a broader spectrum of friends.


Saturday was my first band practice with Michelle and Lauren. That was pretty cool aside from the fact that I’m no longer that amazing at the guitar since I stopped for about a year. But I’m glad that I’m in this right now because it gives me motivation to practice the guitar once again.


After our short little practice, Allen and Melissa picked me up to go down over to Hillcrest. The whole time with them was bunches of fun. We went to this party (Eric’s girlfriend’s party) and had a marry old time. The whole night I just sat down on the couch with Allen blabbering away as Melissa was getting down and dirty with another Navy boy, yeah what are the odds? I gave Allen my phone number so he’s supposed to call me sometime this week. On Tuesday, I’ll be with Melissa and Matt to get tickets for Project Love Groove, yay! And now I’ll have somebody to stay sober with and still have a grand old time.

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Monday, February 2nd, 2004

Subject:Bad Bad Bad
Time:10:51 pm.
Mood: tired.
Music:Criminal "Fiona Apple.

Preston and me made amends, so we are still friends, which made me happy. I still care about him I just hope he gets his shit together soon. Friday night, we went over to his house with Julie and Andrew. At first I was a little hesitant on being there with Preston and Greg. Well like I said, everything became cool with Preston but then there was Greg. I haven’t been on good terms with Greg for a while. Apparently I’m just annoying and stupid and not good enough for Preston. But I don’t even care anymore; I mean I should remember who’s saying this and what importance this retard holds in my life… none.

Saturday, as I got out of the shower, my dad spotted the hickey. He really wasn’t happy with that but it was kind of funny because he was convinced it was Preston who gave it to me. I even told him who gave it to me but he just says, “Yeah right, I’m not stupid Natasha!” Then he quizzes me on last night asking who I hung out with which was Julie, Andrew and… Preston. Then he asked who’s house I went to which was Greg’s house. And who lives at Greg’s house? Preston. Yeah that was a little difficult to prove that it wasn’t Preston’s fault.

After my dad tells me to behave with Preston, they leave and Andrew picks me up along with Julie and Melissa. Had much yummy organic food at the Roxy. Daniel later showed up and we all went to Melissa’s house where we had a little mini party. It was all good and fun until Eric got me to hit the vodka bong, then it was all over from there. Jesus Christ, was I fucked up. I should have known what I was getting myself into. I took this one hit, it kills my lungs, so I run for the water, and then from there on it was almost blacked out. I remember bits and pieces. I spent most of the time on the futon freaking out yelling at Eric about random nonsense. When I come home I wave to my mom and pass out on my bed with all my clothes on. My mom came in around 3 in the morning to wake me up, she was all frazzled wondering if I was ok or not. With me, I’m just nodding, so she makes me get up and take off clothes to put me in pajamas. Aren’t mothers great? All in all it was a great exciting night, but I don’t think I’m going to do anything for a while…

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Thursday, January 29th, 2004

Subject:Fuck Off
Time:7:43 pm.
Mood: pissed off.
Music:The Crystal Method.

This past week has been interesting...

Last Friday: had everyone meet my good friend Matt and had my last final one on one night with Preston (didn’t go too well)

Saturday: enjoyed a fun stoner party at Jackie's house. Saw Mike as naked as he'll ever be. It was a great party though; everyone was fun to be around with, I couldn't have asked for a better time or better people. The same night, Matt and I drove over to Hot Monkey Love Cafe, which is the new Cathedral. I had a great time there as well. Aside from us, there was Julie, Andrew, Melissa, Megan, and stoner Preston. I left with Julie and Andrew. All over the night was great. I had fun, I danced, I forgot about my problems. Beautiful.

Sunday: Fun times with Julie, Andrew, and Melissa

Monday: Fun times with Julie, Andrew, Melissa, Matt, and Sean. It was all lots of sober fun. I think Julie, Melissa, and I freaked Sean out a little bit though but hey, it was still enjoyable. After Matt and Sean left, I soon passed out on Melissa's bed. Then next morning it was just a big family reunion at her house. It was kinda funny, her mom comes home and sees Julie and Andrew downstairs, then me sleeping with Melissa and I was practically naked. She didn't think anyone was home but she didn't seem too upset so I'm sure things are cool.

Wednesday: wonderful half day. Went to downtown Encinitas with my mom where I met up with little freshman Daniel. My mom went to Solana Beach and we ended up at Starbucks where we met Alex and Kayla. Daniel and I had a biting war. He won. He gave me the hicky of doom, and it doesn't look good. Julie came to the rescue letting me switch shirts with her turtleneck sweater. I saw Preston, I tried to talk to him, but I couldn’t. He was so cold and uninviting. I gave up, like I apparently always do, because I'm just a heartless bitch that way.

On a later note, I just finished a conversation with Preston:

 BlackSilverLight:  how’s the hicky
 PepperPamelaM:  hehe, they haven't found out yet
 PepperPamelaM:  brb

 BlackSilverLight:  whos it from
 PepperPamelaM:  hi, but yeah the turtleneck helped a bit
 PepperPamelaM:  this kid at school wanted to bite me back because I bit him but he bit too hard

 BlackSilverLight:  that is not a bite mark and you know it
 PepperPamelaM:  well I’m not saying he just bit me, i just bit him, and he gave me a hicky
 BlackSilverLight:  oh come on do you think I am stupid
 PepperPamelaM:  no...
 PepperPamelaM:  i never said you were stupid

 BlackSilverLight:  you don’t have to
 BlackSilverLight:  don't*

(Okay, first of all, is this even any of his fucking business to begin with? So what if I participated in a massive wild orgy? would it be of any concern to him? NO!)

 PepperPamelaM:  oh what a sweet one you are
 BlackSilverLight:  I was once
 PepperPamelaM:  well at least you were at one point
 BlackSilverLight:  but I don't feel the need to be any more all the ones I loved have hurt me so i don't feel that I need to be
 BlackSilverLight:  so i fI keep them away they can't hurt me
 BlackSilverLight:  I'll better off that way and so will everyone else

(is he just trying to make me feel like a lump of shit? Why doesn't he just say directly to me that I'm terrible?)

 BlackSilverLight:  and I don't know how I got to be an ass
  but they’re a few factors that could be it
  can you guess them by chance

 PepperPamelaM:  i'm sure i can
 BlackSilverLight:  then go right on ahead
 PepperPamelaM:  well after we broke up, i'm sure you just stopped caring
 BlackSilverLight:  did I?
 BlackSilverLight:  I think it happened before then

 PepperPamelaM:  well yeah you did
 PepperPamelaM:  which kinda helped to end the relationship
 BlackSilverLight:  well then since you r so smart what got me to that point
 PepperPamelaM:  who says i was so smart?
 BlackSilverLight:  I did and always did
 PepperPamelaM:  well maybe it was me, maybe it was all just me
 BlackSilverLight:  oh I wasn't saying that
 BlackSilverLight:  yes I will admit that you did play a big part in it

 PepperPamelaM:  i'm just a big fucking curse

 BlackSilverLight:  well fine if you want to be that way then you are but know that you are still cursing me there isn't  a day that goes by that I can't get you out of my head ad that just maybe we could get back together but then I think that it would only hurt you more and I would still lose you I can't stop thinking about you its like I am obsessed
 BlackSilverLight:  so maybe you are a cuse

(if I want to be that way?? Who the fuck made that way? I certainly didn't start off the day like "that way")

 BlackSilverLight:  it is true though no matter what I do I lose you
 BlackSilverLight:  that poem I wrote that I sang part of to you holds more truth than you know

 PepperPamelaM:  do you think that i wasn't affected when we broke up?
 PepperPamelaM:  because i was

 BlackSilverLight:  I hate being a hopless romantic
 PepperPamelaM:  oh well, what can you do?
 BlackSilverLight:  that was always an issue for me, I would pour my heart out onto you and you would always say, in so many words, oh well
(WHAT THE FUCK?? Yeah that's right... I just never gave a flying fuck. I don't know if this was just me, but what a FUCKING ASSHOLE!)

I've got another word for you Preston.... It is so over between us. Thank you, this conversation made me remember how much of a jerk you are.

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Tuesday, January 20th, 2004

Time:2:43 pm.
Mood: aggravated.
Music:The Doors.

Weekend was all right.

Friday: saw Big Fish with Jackie, Kayla, Alex, Lauren, Billy, and Mike. It was a magnificent movie I must say.


Saturday: I went to PB with Julie and Andrew to try to see a few clothes. They never succeeded but I sold 2 items and then spent the money on a skirt. Afterwards, we enjoyed a delicious burger at Fat Burger. Back at Encinitas, we went to my house to play scrabble and Uno (yep, my life is exciting).


Sunday: Shit


Monday: My original plans were to hang out with a few good friends of mine, but my mom woke me up saying we were going to Irvine. I didn’t want to go but she wanted me to even though it would be no different with out me since she never talks to me to begin with. But if I were to refuse she’d throw the whole guilt trip ordeal psychologically forcing me to go with her. For the first 4 hours I stayed in the car while my mom looked at these bedding and housing stores. Afterwards was a little better. We went to this mall and I got a cute skirt and semi-interesting top. We traditionally ate at the Crab Cooker. The food was great like always but a little over an hour later when we were home I became terribly sick and threw up my food all over the bathroom. Yay for me!


Today: At school. I just heard somebody/s stole all of the 30 brand new laptops in the library. That really makes me upset. It’s just morally wrong. It’s not like the school is really able to afford a new set of computers. Everything about that is just not cool. It would be one thing to steal a computer but to steal 30 brand new laptops is really pushing it.
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Sunday, January 18th, 2004

Subject:Damn Straight
Time:1:59 am.
Good. You know your music. You should be able to
work at Championship Vinyl with Rob, Dick and

Do You Know Your Music (Sorry MTV Generation I Doubt You Can Handle This One)
brought to you by Quizilla
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Thursday, January 15th, 2004

Subject:New Journal!
Time:10:33 pm.
Mood: tired.
Yay new journal!
Crazy day. I was in the drama class during homeroom and this teacher Mrs. Morning who doesn't even know me has me MC for this dance show tonight. I was talking to Sean and she runs in freaking out because she needs an mc. So I ask "What for?" "Oh the dance show tonight, would you do it for us?" before I can really say much she has me leaving my 2nd period class and telling me what I'm going to do for tonight. I was so confused. But before I know it, I'm hosting this dance show in front of 100 people. It was pretty overwhelming and I had no idea what to say, but I just thought, fuck it, and winged it. People said I did great, but I have a feeling it was just to be nice. But it was still fun. I got to see a bunch of people in the crowd and a few friends perform.

Matt drove Kevin and me home. We were complaining about bad relationships. Matt and me are in the same boat right now to where we just got over a relationship but it's still all we think about and really not over it. We used to say how we would never get back with the person, but now I just don't know. Ugh.

Tomorrow Jackie has forced me to go see a movie with peoples completely against my will... Yes that was all a lie except for me seeing a movie with Jackie and friends. Well there is much homework for me and I still haven't gotten to it. Toodles
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Blurty for Natasha.

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