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Friday, May 9th, 2008
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3:55 am
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I wish I had some idea of who I was.. I feel so intangible, murky, dark, and confused. Who am I? I don't know, and trying to find that answer is a task almost Sisyphean in it's futility. All I have is vague ideas, blurry shapes moving about in an off-kilter painting with which to view I only have a camera lens that broke a long, long time ago. I cannot even explain why I believe what I believe, if I even TRULY believe in anything, or why I think what I think anymore.
I just wish I had an IDENTITY. A clear, concise idea of who I am. I'm sick of feeling so blurry, so incomplete and hazy.
Fuck. This is what happens when I don't sleep.
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| Monday, April 14th, 2008
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10:40 pm
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Nothing I create will EVER be considered beautiful. I am trapped in the pit of my own pathetic mediocrity, and it's walls are so smooth and flawless that, no matter how much I try to climb my way out, I'll always fall, and wind up exactly where I started.
This is the worst feeling in the world. I cannot find inspiration anywhere, I have so many beautiful images and ideas floating in my head but I cannot put them into paper at all. What am I supposed to do? I want to create but I cannot create anything.
And even if I were to have some sort of artistic vision, I'm so sensitive to any sort of criticism I would not be able to grow as an artist, but that is assuming that I have the tiniest bit of talent, which I do not. At all.
I feel trapped inside my own soul. Nothing I create will ever be beautiful, nobody will ever be moved by anything I write. I am simply doomed to a lifetime of patronization and polite interest.
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| Thursday, April 10th, 2008
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8:11 am
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I've been talking with a strange boy I met on myspace quite a bit recently. His father is the president of a very, very large bank, and after speaking with him on the phone I've decided that he isn't pretending, he just this amazing aristocratic tone to his voice. It's hard to describe.
He expressed interest in meeting me, but I'm very nervous at the thought of meeting him, it would be so intimidating. I was careful to not let this show, though, I'm sure he has dozens of people who worship the very ground he stands on because of his wealth, and I refuse to express any but the most blase' interest when it comes to his lifestyle.
Oh, and I quit my terrible job, too. I haven't told my mother, though. Ugh.
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| Tuesday, April 8th, 2008
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3:48 am
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| Thursday, April 3rd, 2008
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7:48 am
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There is nothing more annoying than when a beautiful idea or image pops into your head, and your impressed that you could even think of something so wonderful, but then, moments later, when you attempt to write it down you find that you've forgotten it entirely. Ugh. That's pretty annoying.
I decided that, in my life, there is not enough excitement. And I wanted to fix that. So I skipped out on work on Tuesday. I was supposed to work a painful five hour shift (it might not seem much, but doing what I do, it's pretty horrible) but I just.. didn't go. I didn't call in either. I hope they complain and ultimately decide to fire me. I don't want to work there anymore, at all. I don't understand how some people can work there for years and years, it's just an awful place, but I guess they find some sort of enjoyment out of it. I wish I could.
I've been writing more and more, and studying the greats at the same time. I really like Lord Byron's work. Amazing.
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| Monday, March 24th, 2008
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2:47 am - Love.
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I want romance, but unfortunately it seems the only thing guys want is a hookup. It would be wonderful if they were so open about their intentions, but no, that is never the case. When lust is involved, it seems people will do anything, say anything, to get their hands on you, and once your foolish or smitten enough to fall for their bullshit you'll be tossed away as if you were nothing more than a terrible thirty second porn clip.
It's so depressing. I feel like I do not belong in my own time, but I know that promiscuity has always been around. It would be nice, though, to travel back in time to a generation where things like love letters and sonnets were considered normal ways to express how you feel about someone. Was there ever something like that, or is that a stupid dream that I've created due to reading too much Anna Karenina? Whatever. I guess it doesn't matter.
I am such a sap, I really need to be punched in the face when I get like this.
current mood: quixotic
current music: Hitomi Shimatani - Camellia
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| Sunday, March 23rd, 2008
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11:20 pm - Poetry, Old Men, and Taxes.
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I've always had a minor interest in poetry, and I've even tried my hand at writing a few, but I have no real talent at it, or anything, really, when it comes to art. The fact that I will never create anything truly beautiful really bugs me, so I've decided that I will write a poem or something like it (since what I write is so terrible I feel like I would be besmirching the very name of poetry if I were to call it a poem. Haha!) several times a week so that one day something I create could be considered "beautiful".
Oh, and today I did my taxes for the very first time! It was just as exciting as I had expected it to be but I feel very mature for having done them, even though I procrastinated about finally getting them done for a bit too long. My mom advised me to change..something..so that the government takes more from my paychecks, but I already make so little that I really don't think I will.
And ever since I posted that ad on craigslist in a fit of boredom I have been harassed by a strange old man who is so desperate for me to hook up with him he is now offering me money. I have no intention of doing anything whatsoever, but I'm very curious to see how high he is willing to go. Ha.
current mood: sad
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| Saturday, March 22nd, 2008
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8:26 am - Austin.
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Good morning, journal.
This is my first entry! How exciting! Unfortunately, as my life is mostly me sitting at the computer and working, there isn't much to say right now. I suppose I can talk about what happened the previous night, where I went and met someone who I had found online (he found me, actually). He's very intelligent but..just strange, and not in a very good way either, more like "Did he, did he really just say that?" way. The atmosphere was thick with awkward tension, and I was feeling incredibly uncomfortable the entire time.
We were hanging out at his dorm watching, I kid you not, Sister Act. I was feeling bored and flirty, so I started to mess with him a little. Then things got a bit strange as he walked over and sat on my lap and told me that I couldn't move or tickle him anymore (which was what I was doing). I really wasn't expecting something quite like this, as we had spent the entire evening staying as far as we could from each other.. Perhaps that was just me? He then laughs, tells me that I "liked it" and returns to his own seat. I don't know about you all, but having a cute guy, however weird, sit in my lap put me in a good mood. So the flirting continued..
He picks me up, tosses me into his bed, jumps on top of me, and starts kissing my neck and chest, now, Dear Reader, please keep in mind that all of this deviant behavior is coming from a man who claims to be a good Christian. Hah!
I told him to stop, and he did after a bit, warning me "not to like him" and telling me about how he suspects that he may be a sociopath. I won't have any issue with liking him, but I did find him charming in an odd little way. C'est la vie. I doubt I will ever see him again.
Here is a picture of me in his dorm before the chaos.
current mood: lonely
current music: Plastic Tree - Gerbera
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