Please...forget me not.'s Blurty

Happy 68th Birthday Mom, I really miss you...

This entry is dedicated to my mother,may she rest in peace.

My mother would've turned 68 today, if she hadn't passed away 9 years ago on March 18. Not a single day goes by that I don't think about her and miss her. It doesn't get easier in the sense of missing her. I think you just try and find a way to cope with the things you feel and try and push on forward.

I feel that she was a rock to me in my life. I think I was for the most part okay, until she died suddenly. She died on the last day of her radiation treatment for throat cancer. Her cancer was directly from her smoking since she was a teenager. She tried for many many years to stop. I even remember being hauled to a hypnotist as a child and that didn't work (I personally don't know if I quite believe in that type of stuff, nor do I really know that she did but it does show just how desperate she was to stop. I watched the cancer win over her life she was trying so desperately to save. After she died I began having panic attacks and severe bouts of depression, which is still a constant battle for me to this day.

Her death was a complete shock to me and my sister. We never had any family members close to us die before my mother so that seemed to make it extra hard on us. I remember to this day going to the hospital and looking into her eyes. That is a hard thing to do if you've never seen anyone die. The eyes are just empty, hard to explain and even harder to have seen.

At her funeral, I was numb... I sat for a very very long time in a chair just up at her casket next to her, just staring at her. Wishing it were a bad dream and I would wake up. But alas it was no dream. It was just reality hitting me hard.

The day she died her and I had an argument. That has been a hard thing for me to get past, and still to this day I don't think I am past it- nor do I think I will ever. She didn't have many friends because she pretty much made my sister and I her friends. Not a single day went by where she didn't call both of us to chat. Sometimes we would get so annoyed with it because how much can be said talking every single day, plus we lived not far from each other. Boy, what I would do to be able to hear her voice again now.

She would help her girls whenever she could. She ALWAYS knew when something was wrong- even if we didn't want her to know. She had a good sense of that mother's intuition. Unfortunately she was the glue in that family because when she died everything within the family kinda just blew up and fell apart. To this day things are, and can never be the same ever again.

So I guess I should say that its very important that you tell your loved ones just how much they are loved and mean to you because, trust me- if its too late, its a hard thing to try and live with. It becomes a heavy burden to carry along. And its something that you can choose to avoid and have not happen.

With that being said, Mom I love you and miss you more than I could ever say. Life hasn't been the same. Little did I know at the time just how much you are truly worth and how much more you deserved.

I love you, and if there is a heaven, hope to be with you again. I could really use a hug from you.
Your loving daughter,
Linda Marie

Current Mood: mellow
Current Music: Celine Dion ~ My heart will go on (from Titanic)