Tuesday, October 3rd, 2006

Time	Event
12:00a	Mammograms - a short lesson Mammogram is an X-ray that has its own name because noone wants to actually say the word 'breast'. Mammograms require a woman's breast to do gymnastics. If a woman has extremely agile breasts, she should do fine. Most breasts, however, usually hang around doing nothing in particular. So, they are woefully unprepared. But, a woman can prepare for a mammogram right at home, using these simple exercises: Exercise 1: Refridgerate two bookends, (preferably metal) over night. Lay one of the breasts, (either one will do) between the bookends and smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Repeat twice daily. Exercise 2: Locate a pasta maker or old wringer washer. Feed the breast into the machine and start manually cranking. Repeat twice daily. Exercise 3: (Advanced) Situate yourself comfortably on your side on the garage floor. Place one of the breasts snugly behind the rear tire of the family van. When you give the signal, your spouse will slowly ease the van into reverse. Hold for five seconds, Repeat on the other side. (1 Comment | Comment on this)
12:06a	Just one more........ The Mammogram By Julia Napier For years and years they told me, Be careful of your breasts. Don't ever squeeze or bruise them. And give them monthly tests. So I heeded all their warnings, And protected them by law. Guarded them very carefully, And I always wore my bra. After 30 years of astute care, My gyno, Dr. Pruitt, Said I should get a Mammogram. "O.K." I said, 'let's do it." "Stand up here real close" she said, (She got my boob in line), "And tell me when it hurts," she said, "Ah yes! Right there, that's fine." She stepped upon a pedal, I could not believe my eyes! A plastic plate came slamming down, My hooter's in a vise! My skin was stretched and mangled, From underneath my chin. My poor boob was being squashed, To Swedish Pancake thin. Excruciating pain I felt, Within it's vise-like grip. A prisoner in this vicious thing, My poor defenseless tit! "Take a deep breath" she said to me, Who does she think she's kidding?!? My chest is mashed in her machine, And woozy I am getting. "There, that's good," I heard her say, (The room was slowly swaying.) "Now, let's have a go at the other one." Have mercy, I was praying. It squeezed me from both up and down, It squeezed me from both sides. I'll bet SHE'S never had this done, To HER tender little hide. Next time that they make me do this, I will request a blindfold. I have no wish to see again, My knockers getting steam rolled. If I had no problem when I came in, I surely have one now. If there had been a cyst in there, It would have gone "ker-pow!" This machine was created by a man, Of this, I have no doubt. I'd like to stick his balls in there, And see how THEY come out! By Julia Napier (2 Comments | Comment on this)
9:00p	Freaky Facts from the following website: http://homepage.ntlworld.com/graham.a.newman/ The comments in " " are not mine but could be in some instances, lol. Freaky Facts Some very interesting statistics to muse over. . . . . If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.) A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home..... maybe at work.) The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes... lucky pig.. can you imagine??) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity) Butterflies taste with their feet. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?) Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.) Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??) (3 Comments | Comment on this)
11:17p	When is it really "bad" ? Eggs. When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime. Dairy Products. Milk is spoiled when it looks like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway, and can't get more spoiled than it already is. Well, it can, but it rarely gets that far. You can always cut off the fur coat it grows. Meat. If opening the refrigerator causes stray animals to congregate outside your kitchen door, the meat is spoiled. Lettuce. This is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Carrots. A carrot that you can tie in a clove hitch is not fresh. Chinese Food. If the carton must be cut away to remove the contents, suspect them. Potatoes. Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense leafy undergrowth. Canned Goods. Any canned good that has become the shape or size of a basketball should be removed from the premises. Wear a helmet. Mayonnaise. If eating it makes you violently ill, mayonnaise is spoiled. Artichokes. Discard these when the points have become as tightly furled as porcupine quills. Flour. Flour is spoiled when it wiggles. Raisins. These should not be harder than your teeth. Wine. It should not taste like salad dressing. Chip Dip. If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad. Unidentified Items. Tupperware containers should not burp when opened. Rule of Thumb. Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this. (2 Comments | Comment on this)

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