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Saturday, June 11th, 2005
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4:59 am
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travesty averted.. I found the stupid thing... gosh darn it... it was under my chair in the car the entire time *blush* ok going to bed 5am dang it too early.. err late ya.. late.
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| Wednesday, June 8th, 2005
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10:33 pm - what they say is true
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I have finally proved them all right. I am just some stupid fuck. I konw people talk about me behind my back and now they have something new to talk about as soon as i have to tell someone, 'oh, no. sorry. cant go. I lost my debit card.' Oh yea things shall certainly be nice again. "James teh fuckup does it again" I finally got some piece from the whole bunny thing.. before i drove off the road again. And i cant just go off and die or something.. no the world needs retards like me so they can laugh and be happy and all that shit.
So i will probably get to tell someone tomorrow and then I get to be the joke for a few weeks.. and everytime i try to talk to someone they will bring it up... YA.. I got a great couple months coming up... *waves*
current mood:  crappy
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4:31 pm - 6 Flags, Yo
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I went for the first time in forever. It was me my brother and a brother of this girl I like. He was torture, Road the first 2 rides.. which were good mind you, but after that he didn’t want to ride anything.
I Road for the first time The Boss, which was amazingly smooth. I loved it. And for the second time, Mister Freeze, I am surprised that is as good as it is.. my favorite part is going backwards through the upside down U-turn. After that we hit a few more rides.. Batman, X-caliber, The Screamin Eagle... I think that’s it.. we messed around in an arcade for awhile, then hit Thunder River... I went with my cursed brother... He ALWAYS gets soaked.. even when you think you are going to get off fine... BLAM the boat turns all the way around and we get the friggin wave. Got almost every wave square on our side ...that and 4 jets hit us perfect, and the waterfall. I don’t think I have been that unlucky on that ride ever.
Was a good day, ended up buying my brothers and my season passes. I grabbed $160 from my last 2 day paycheck*$334 total* and got left with four dollars. mmmm Caramel Funnel Cake *yum yum.* My brother ended up getting a phone call at some point in the day and we had to leave kinda early, but we were ridded out early.. we really didn’t wait in a line for anything more then 5 minutes proving that going in the middle of the week is the best time to go to a theme park.
The only bad note is the sun.. 97 degrees today on something I read... crazy.. picked the hottest day to go.. but the boobie mezz ... oh the boobie mezz *drools from being mesmerized just thinking about it*
current mood: burnt
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| Friday, May 27th, 2005
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2:26 pm
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I love this feeling. Ready to go out into the world and .. hmm. That is where the feeling stops. I guess thats enough. Just a few short minutes of concern is all it takes to empower me. *sighs happily*
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| Saturday, May 21st, 2005
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2:36 pm
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Things are different. I've always hated being so busy. But, money is what makes the world go round. I need to get away from my present. Its tearing me up. But there isn't anything I can do right now.. working 40-60 hours a week. I want my freedom.
Oh well, that will be the end of my ranting today, I have to work on Saturday.. I haven't had to do this in such a long time... makes me sad.
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| Saturday, May 14th, 2005
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1:38 am - Week 3 is over
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And I get to work a week of day shifts. .yay.
I got the feeling though that I am not wanted. Maybe its just me over reacting or some shit like that. No reply to the fact that the odds are against me making it to graduation, against me getting anything... if this is what it is just tell me to move on... stop leading me on and cut the strings... friends are almost impossible for me to come by but i can cope. Maybe its late. I guess I will talk to myself later.
current mood:  sore
current music: NIN - "With Teeth"
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| Thursday, May 12th, 2005
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1:58 am - The nights...
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Well I know I haven't been keeping up well. I've been fighting over my computer with my brother nearly all the time. His is on the fritz so since I dont use my as much since I am working, I usualy come back to him sittin here playin on mine. And since i spent the first 15 years of my life geting beat down everytime I tried to stand up to him, it seems that I just let him stay on here and just to my merry way to bed. So thats my excuse, Whats yours?
The nights are not getting much easier, but they are going by.. and every thusday they make it worth it. Payday always makes work worth it.
I think tonight was the first night that I came home still shaking from work. Its not that it was that stressful, its just that I cant seem to make myself unwind. My ears feel like they are ringing constantly. I don't know how to make that stop.
I did manage to find Taco Bell.. finally satisfied that crave. The rest of the night including while i am writing this, I can still smell the food that I got, crazy I know but oh so good.
My body is starting to form back into a symbolince of being in shape. Not like it matters there are no hotties workin at Chrysler... ya, its a shame. Ok i couldnt help it.
Everyone is so nice, it makes me wonder how people grow up. Attitudes are worlds different. I actually enjoy going to work. I get so much help from everyone around me.. its a very supporting place, wonderful attmosphere. I would recommend this place to anyone. The work is seldom hard, very easy to pick up and there is so much.. i cant help saying this.. support. For every 15 people working there is 1 maitenence worker.
So if you make a mistake you tell them and they go fix it for you. Its hard for me to get over the fact that I don't have to be perfect in my work. I can make mistakes and no one is upset. I dont feel like I let 10 people down making 1 minor mistake. Anyway.. I am off to do the sleep type thing, with the aches and pains going away as a bonus only to come back a little worse tomorrow... I LIVE FOR THE WEEKENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
current mood:  relaxed
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| Thursday, May 5th, 2005
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1:19 am - Payday tomorrow
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I get my first paycheck tomorrow.. it will be about 45 Hours worth of work. I am so pumped.. If I did my math right I will be making right around $35-40k a year. OHH, I got some news tonight... Just want to post it here, for future reference to the date that my life either got totally screwed up or went perfectly right... Tonight they told me I am a full time temp worker.. 112 more days until I am a real boy... er employee.
current mood:  indescribable
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| Thursday, April 28th, 2005
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3:44 am - Day 3.. I am counting up..
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While others are heading down. Its all a blur. Everything is passing me by right now. I dont have time to live. I am getting a growing feeling of being lost in work.
Which reminds me... I have the STRONGEST feeling of de`jevu all this week, like I’ve already done all this before. Its so odd to actually remember doing work that you know you've never done much less seen. I can't get it out of my mind though. And on that note I am going to bed. Lifting 20lb bars all night puts a want to sleep in a person. Laterz :)
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| Wednesday, April 27th, 2005
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4:00 am - Day 2..
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Went a little better then the first day. I sat around until after first break... they didn’t want me at one spot so they sent me to another. and it took them over an hour of sending me around.. WELL.. I am not complaining.. let them be nice to me and all.. I can handle it... I was putting the rear stabilizers on the guides today... err at least helping make sure they went on right. Yesterday I started off by actually doing the previous step to today, but in a whole nother area.
The first day they also sent me over to where I were the radiators went on. I was putting in a screw above them and fastening a Ground screw and putting the washer fluid bottle in place, oh and pulling off some holders for the windshield.. do that for every car about every 40 seconds and that is my repetition.. I got to see them roll over a bigger number today.. went to 400000.. some computer mumbo jumbo, but it goes up by 10 every car, so that had to be a milestone..
Anyway.. I have to drag my dirty self to bed because all the bathrooms are guarded by sleeping people, and when woken they scowl, ready to attack.
current mood: sore
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| Saturday, April 23rd, 2005
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2:32 am - i LAUGHED SO HARD.. i cried.
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8-Bit is the best thing to hit avatar comics ever. But this episode.. 544... BM just went too far.. the sick and hungry orphans.. why did he have to do it.
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| Friday, April 22nd, 2005
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10:09 pm - Its not my imagination now..
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I don’t understand why I put myself through some things. Why I even thought it was anything other then being used.. being a puppet. So the truth finally reveals itself.
( Read more... )
I think it was supposed to hurt me more... To make me feel worse. But, all I feel now is more free to do what I want to. I know I already had this freedom, though I convinced myself it wasn't completely over at one point. I can see past that now. Well at least this was the end of a chapter in my life... probably the shortest.
current mood:  contemplative
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| Friday, April 15th, 2005
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5:29 am - I made it
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Ya, thats all for this update... I made it into the second wave of people to maybe have a chance of getting an opportunity to just about having a job at Chrysler~! I go in for Assessment Monday at 6:30pm fun fun.
I just enjoyed the adrenaline rush of finishing off a dirty Alliance toon on Worlds of Warcraft. And I only say this here cause this was actually the very first time I went after someone senselessly like that. It was so fun, to drop them down a peg for a change.
current mood:  weird
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| Sunday, April 10th, 2005
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12:34 am - sweating bullets
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I am so tight right now, things are ready to snap. If this goes well... I can be glad that this would be the cherry on top to a 180 degree turn around in my life. At least on the outside it will be.
That sounds all moody and crap, but really its not. A very old habit has creeped up on me... one I am certain only 1 person knows about. Replacing one thing with another.. that’s what I am doing, and I can't stop. But that’s all the darkness I have time for...
I freakin rented Dodgeball. I must say, it was humorous. "Go Balls Deep".. or "Why don’t you put your mouth where our balls are".. or better yet. "Nobody makes me bleed my own blood, nobody".
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| Friday, April 8th, 2005
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5:35 pm - Yay!
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I just got a call from Chrysler .. so awesome. I have to go take some sorta test Monday. Its gonna be at the Bridgeton Holiday Inn (I haven't a clue where that is). Now this is going to give me the jitters all weekend. If I can't relax now, what will I do come Monday. *joy* The future is brightening~! I am glad I was home to receive that phone call. And to think, Monday I was going to start searching for a job in earnest. Now I wont have to hopefully. so sweet!~ Laterz
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| Tuesday, April 5th, 2005
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11:50 pm
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So, ya things don't go as planned.. I did finally get around to doing my taxes.. that will be roughly $600 back... eventually. I actually did spend the day doing stuff I should have had done by now.. like my insurance payment, and some other crap.. that’s probably late. I am a great procrastinator, if it can be put off it will be. Some things can't.
Gee I hope I don’t get left out in the cold... it would be my just desserts though wouldn't it. It would be exactly what I deserved though. I'm not a conversationalist, I want things to be easier for me... but they only get harder.
I don’t understand why I have this heart wrenching shyness... I like to think that I have it beat but I don't. Its so much easier just to sit behind this screen and type. I can control that. I can't control the awkwardness that pushes people away because I am so afraid that if I do something, wrong or right... I don’t know what...
I guess that gets me to my next realization that I am afraid to live. It sounds so corny but not knowing what’s going to happen, living my life, terrifies me... It makes me want to hide from everyone... but I don’t want to lose people so I how can I hide from them and have them at the same time.
I ramble so much lately. I have no one to talk to anymore.. I've driven them all away. I guess it serves me right. I finally find something worth having.. and its gone, and I push everything else away with it.
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| Saturday, April 2nd, 2005
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11:33 pm
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hmm, what to say.. gosh i dunno. its different finding out someone cares, when its so out in the open it should smack me in the face. I've been finding reasons to smile all day long. Just sitting around thinking, and then a smile would just come right out. It was different. I wasn't forcing myself to enjoy anything. But after staying up until 4am yesterday, I am heading to bed early tonight.
NEXT WEEK ---> Chapter 2: Job Searching, hopefully not long.
current mood:  tired
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2:44 pm
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Today is a new dawn, a beginning to a story, a learning experience. I've listened for far to long. I've sat and done nothing. Well its about time that changed. This is my start of a fresh new attitude. Things are gonna be changing for me... ya.
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| Friday, April 1st, 2005
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2:46 pm - What lovely news my mom brings.
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I am sitting at home, satisfied, wondering why a certain girl isn’t logging into aim. I find out later in evening when my mom gets home, that she was at school and went to the nurse's office and they saw the cuts... she then went to the counselors and they have sent her to a hospital(that part irks me, cause I know my mom knows where but they wont tell me), and only there cause there was no room at the other place(I know I got told that place, only cause she isn’t there. I was told that she reluctantly complied with everything.
New nightmares are born with all this, falling asleep with unshed tears. One is still vivid in my mind:
I was in some jungle, out and away trying to fight my way in. I knew I had to just get across one last mountain range to get to my goal, and safety. There was lots of shooting around me, and lots of dying. I was eventually left alone, surrounded, and then everything was black, I come back to, somehow still alive, left to die... and I pull my hands up to my face because they are not working right, one hand had no fingers, and another had lost a couple.. I sit there franticly trying to put the nubs back onto my hands, but I fail miserably. I eventually give up on that, and fall back laying down waiting for the end.
current mood: I don't know what to feel
current music: "The Fragile" - NIN
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| Wednesday, March 30th, 2005
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3:10 am
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that just is something that pisses me off. People start saying God does this to them or He's making this happen to me. Get over yourselves. God.. IS.. Love. He doesn't do things to test your endurance. John chapter 17.... the whole chapter... talks about how certain things are gonna be.. bad, not just to you to everyone, and its not Gods doing, just stop saying it is... I wont quote scriptures cause basically.. I suck at remembering stuff like that always have... but what I type always comes from the heart. oh well, just a li'l pissy.. I know I shouldn't be but whatever. I'll deal.
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