what a fuckin crap day!   
08:47pm 29/04/2003
 
mood: confused
music: system of a down
I WANNA DIE
im a stupid little emo bitch
fuckin shoot me

*i feel like absolute crap*
*people at school wont leave me alone*
*i want to cry*
*my parents keep fighting*
*i didn't get to see joey*
*didn't understand how to do my DNA thing in biology*
*have homework im not going to do*
*got my period*

there's really no positives about today, it's sad. I really want a laptop. I think i am going to start writing considering I seem to have a lot going on, i'm sure i can make up some good stories about a teenage girl who's friends don't like her but still pretend to befriend her, who's boyfriend gives her shit over everything, who can't live the life she wants. It could be like "Go Ask Alice" a diary of a girl, yet fictionally realistic. If you think I should, let me know. the only problem is, I don't have a laptop or the money for one, want to donate?

iight, let's see.. i had a cheesy gordita crunch and cinnamon twists tonight. too bad jesse didn't prepare my food. i don't think i'd eat it, save it, just like the condom he gave me, right Devin? wow, i'm really bored. I don't like being on the phone I realized, it just kills my brain and I hardly even talk to Joey. We just sit here, wasting minutes. whatever. i think i'll go make another bracelet for Jesse that says "Yo Quiero Taco Bell" or maybe that's too long. Maybe i'll write him an extra long note that i'll probably throw away like the last one. I am so pathetic. It's not even worth writing about him anymore, i'm sure I mean like [----] much to him anymore. Maybe Becky's right for once, he needs something I can't give him. sex, real sex. I'm just there to pretend with I guess.

Oh Lord if Joey ever found this. Please Lord, Don't let him stumble across this.

I made a Billy Martin photo. I'll post it later one when it's perfected. He's so hott. I could marry him in alaska naked just holding on to his body and i'd be warm. I am going to get married naked. That seems like a great idea.

Joey just said "Tasha, are you tired? Cause you've been runnin through my mind all day" aww he's so cute. sometimes i wonder how i could do the things I do to him. i am a horrible person. I'm just as bad as becky is being, i'm so hypocritical sometimes. But then again, everything is okay for me to do. That's because I rock.

Well maybe this is getting too long, maybe I want to right more. Maybe I don't know where I am or what I am doing. I wish it was last summer, I wish I had drugs, I wish i had Kathleen and Tony and Chris and Denver behind me. I wish that they could comfort me like when we would Roll. I know the boys hate me, but they made me feel accepted atleast. I have no one now hardly. I'm sorry I'm boring you. You can stop reading now.

I'm sleeping over Christen's house on Friday. I hardly feel down about it. I am so excited. Normally I don't want to sleep over anyones house, but hers, i miss her. It's weird, she was my best friend for 3 years, now I can't even remember her phone number. I know it starts with 954-941.. What kind of a person am i? Where have I gone? She'll help me find myself. I know she will.

Where's the uppers when i'm down, where's the downers when i'm up? I'm not stable anymore. Please, pass me the pills. Pass me a joint. I'm lost. This isn't me. Tasha uses and fits in, she isn't straight edge and she's not an outcast. Where have I gone? I feel better about school now that i'm clean. a better outlook on the future. What about now? I need to know about now. I need guidance. Someone? Anyone? Cocaine and Frisbee.

I could freely speak all day. A poet, yet with no rhythem, no story line, no restrictions. What's going through my mind would keep someone reading for hours. Scattered thoughts on paper, on napkins, on furniture. I would do it. I'm fucked.

Too much thoughts for one night.
peace.
<3 tasha		  
   

(to the edge)
 
  littlelover
 
 
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