| I don't really have much to say... |
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| 10:13am 07/08/2003 |
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...but I'm going to say it anyway.
Yesterday, I sat around the house and kickboxed, and then I went to Dan's and we sat around and watched TV. I had him bring me home relatively early.
This morning, I tried to do laundry but discovered that someone's towels were still in the washer, waiting to be moved to the dryer. I bet whoever did it went to work, so I'm stuck without having done the laundry. That makes me mad.
On a brighter note, I can't wait to go back to school. I went up and applied at the bookstore and got my new ID photo, so next week I'm going to get my books, and the week after that I'm going to hear about housing, and then there's a week to get ready, and then I move in. It's just so perfect, I can't wait. I wish it could come quicker, but I know that it's already going to go very quickly. And I know that I'm going to be sad to leave Dan, but it's also going to be okay. He's not going anywhere. I'm not going anywhere. We're in love.
I talked to him last night about the possibility of me taking winter and summer classes, and he said to do what I want to do, but he'd rather have me home on breaks. I don't know what I'd rather, but I'll figure it out sometime before I'd have to register for financial aid for winter break. I'll probably want to stay up there, rather than come home, but I could be wrong in that prediction.
I am going to be coming home most weekends. This is mostly to appease Dan, because I'd rather not be home weekends. But I'm going to get up there, miss him terribly, and want to be home. Besides, when my mom picks me up Fridays, I can go to the supermarket and get all the stuff I need but can't afford or can't get to without my car. I can deposit checks and I can withdraw money, etc.
I'm going to try so hard to save all this money I'm making, so that I can start to stand on my own two feet.
September 2 quickly approaches. I'm going to move in with the minimal amount of stuff -- I can go shopping that day for shampoo, conditioner, laundry detergent and softener, some food for the microfridge, and whatever else it comes up that we need. So far, I just need to get towels, and I need to pack clothes and books that I want to take. And I'm probably going to want to take a set of tarot cards, and I'm probably going to want to take up some other "Witchy" accessories. I'm going to decorate my areas with the Zen cards and the fairy postcards, so that's settled.
Anyway, I'm going to go now and read magazines and belly dance. I'll be back again another time. |
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| just because someone's not the one, doesn't mean they can't mean something to you |
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| 02:22pm 07/08/2003 |
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And he still means something to me. He still means a lot to me. He was very close to me for six months -- he helped me through some tough times, just by being there. When I thought I was going to lose him, he didn't let me. Until he did. And now, reading things like this in his AIM info just breaks my heart:
To kill the whitest looking dove
To hate everything I love
And I'm trying to pretend
Oh in wanting life to end
That I am not another stupid
Little teenage fucking whore
And now I know
And we will see
And now I know
And we will see
To take this handgun to my eyes
And watch my cells start to rise
The flesh now starts to break as the
Bullet enters like a snake
Through one side of my head
And out the other one
And now I know
And we will see
And now I know
And we will see
And I'm too scared to live tonight
And I'm too bare to shed my plight
And I'm too scared to live tonight
Too bare to shed my plight
(Please tell me I'm not wanted)
(Please tell me I'm not wanted)
Watch the bones rip through my flesh
A catharsis of my own distress
(Please tell me I'm not wanted)
(Please tell me I'm not)
I know I'm not the only one who made him like this. But knowing I had a part of it makes me want to cry until there's nothing left inside me to purge.
Instead, though, I'll think of other things. I'll think of how the reason why I can never stick to anything is because I try to get in over my head, and I don't pace myself. I start a job and think about promotions right away. I pick a school and dedicate myself to it so entirely that when my experience falls a bit short, I run away. I design an exercise plan I could never stick to.
And so I'm going to be more moderate. First, I'm going to make sure my classes are okay, and I'm just going to exercise every day. I'm going to do the weights twice a week, and the cardio three or four days a week. That's reasonable. Each semester, I'm going to experiment with a different Conditioning class, so that at the end of my college career I will have tried Yoga, karate, ai chi, ballroom dancing, etc. I'm going to try to only eat things that will be good for me, and only eat when I'm hungry. I'm going to do my best to keep up in classes, and then I'm going to throw in membership in organizations like Model UN and Community Builders Coalition. I'm going to meditate daily. I'm going to get news daily, and keep updated on the world. I'm going to take at least one study abroad trip. I am going to let opportunities come to me, and I am going to stop trying to plan out my entire life from one starting point, because that only makes me feel like I have no choices and nothing is going to change.
And above all, I'm going to realize that Dan is in love with me, and I am in love with him. He's going to support what I want and need to do, and he's not going to run away just because it's a little tough. He'll be there for me and he'll treat me like gold, as long as I allow him to, and I take care of him as well.
I don't expect to change over night. But in the upcoming year of school, I'm going to make great changes to my life, bit by bit. I'm going to practice patience and unconditional love and acceptance with myself and with others, and I'm going to be congratulating myself by this time in 2004. |
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| oh, and |
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| 02:26pm 07/08/2003 |
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I just added a class to my Monday/Thursdays, because it's a Gen Ed I figured I'd get out of the way. This means that fitting exercise in will be a little tricky if I get the job at the bookstore, but I know I can do it.
I'm getting a planner when I get my books. I'm going to schedule my classes, my meetings, my work schedule (hopefully), and my workouts in there, and I'm going to stick to workouts just like they were anything else. I have to be committed to myself, and know that I won't miss anything I can't hear about later, and that I won't lose any friends just because I'm taking care of myself.
I feel better now, and it's time to go to work soon, so I have to go fold my laundry. |
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