Success!   
02:58pm 11/03/2003
 
mood: cheerful
music: "Ignition" remix by R. Kelly; stuck in my head for days
Well, today has been an excellent day for absolutely no reason. I slept a very decent amount, got up, ate some penne pasta (Lean Cuisine, yum) and watched Springer, then got dressed. I talked to Jess Wilson (one of my co-members of Jess Cubed from senior year) about drawing me a tattoo, and she said she might. It would mean more to me if the design came from one of my friends, especially one who's always been supportive of me and what I like and in support of me living my life and being the best version of myself possible, so I like that idea. After all, I had her artwork on the cover of the literary magazine senior year -- I'm a big favoritist.

So, with the good news that Jess might try her hand at drawing a phoenix, I took off for the gym, where I worked out hard on level fifteen on the elliptical machine as usual, watching some more Jerry Springer, because it's the best fiction on TV. I stretched a little after, but my goal towards increasig flexibility seems even further away than my weight loss goals, because I can't seem to do it right. It's also, in my ranking, my least important goal -- so as long as I stretch a little every day, I'll be happy right now. (My abs hurt a little on the drive home and it made my day, lol.)

I came home, took a shower, ate some chicken fettucine alfredo (Healthy Choice, not so yum, but okay), did some much-needed grooming, and GOT MY OZZFEST TICKET!!!!

I just finished lunch, which was accompanied with a 20 oz. bottle of Diet Coke (not a liter, that little step makes me proud). I'm now drinking some calcium-fortified pulp-free Tropicana, and then I'm going back to my water, once I get a bit of my daily calcium dose. Later I'm gonna have a big glass of skim milk, with two servings' worth, so I'll get my whole calcium dose for the day.

I think I'm gonna start taking a daily multivitamin, and maybe a fish oil pill. We'll see, we'll see.		  
    Post
 
if i am not fun, and I am not interesting, perhaps I am not interested in you   
03:09pm 11/03/2003
 
mood: bored
music: Lisa Loeb, "Jake"
i hurt my ankle yesterday, but it's gone now...and in my back, every day

i love my friends, my life

i hate stupidity, ignorance, slow drivers (especially on one-lane roads), when people look at me

i cry too much, if you ask Bill

i fear rejection, abandonment, being alone forever

i hope I get the exact schedule I'm writing on my cards for next year

i sadden when I see dead animals on the side of the road

i feel very proud of myself for going to the gym

i kill nothing, not even bugs

i talk too much, I think

i listen to everyone whine, bitch, complain, question, and analyze everything

i break pencils when I'm angry in the bowling alley

i see dead people? Judge Joe Brown...that's what's on TV. And this Blurty.

i smell like passion flower ;-)

i taste OJ left on my lips...mmm

i work at a bowling alley, as a counter control girl

i remember fun times at Hudson and Ramapo

i hold sadly, nobody...yet

i hide my deepest, most true thoughts and feelings

i pray less than i should

i walk every day, half an hour on the elliptical trainer

i drive very very fast

i read anything I can get my hands on, unless it's assigned for school

i burn bridges...at least, I've been known to

i breathe twice as hard and fast when I'm...working out ;-)

i dance like a dork in public to embarrass Jen

i play Chess, pool, and bowling all equally badly

i sing all the time -- to every song on the radio, or whenever a song pops into my head

i miss my Ramapo commune...a few choice people from Hudson

i touch myself, because there's no one else to touch

i want to achieve my goals, a boyfriend, and for spring break to be over so I can get back to my life

i wish I was a little less shy around everyone I don't know

i know I'm awesome

i said "Go clean your room," to Jen -- how ironic

i dream of travelling the globe and seeing everything

i have a dream =)

i fall on ice

i wait for love

i need to do some Gender Studies work

i live a boring, but comfortable life

i die a little more every day -- I guess I should make the most of life. :-D		  
    Post
 
(my heart is a sore thing too)   
06:35pm 11/03/2003
 
mood: pensive
Mmm, eggs are good. And I got some Diet Coke. And pudding is on the way.

So Jen yelled at me today for feeling guilty, but I feel very, very guilty. I think that reading my Blurty last night upset Rawn, and I never meant for it to. This is supposed to be my journal, though, it's supposed to be where I purge my inner thoughts and feelings and figure things out. So here's the thing. Rawn's a great guy -- he's smart and funny and a real sweetheart. However, he lives on the other side of the country. He's also not out of high school yet. I guess I always assumed that we'd meet people we really liked who lived near us...but I assumed he would meet someone first. I mean, he'll be going to college, and he's so awesome that some girl is bound to uncover that and fall madly for him. Then I thought, you never know what could happen with life, and I asked him if he'd want me to come out there and meet him. And he basically said no. I'm all for keeping what we have, too, because I love having him in my life and online with me and he's come to mean a lot to me in the three months since we met...but...

Jen said that I shouldn't be putting the happiness of a guy who lives three thousand miles away, who I will never meet, ahead of my own. And when I think of it that way, I don't think I should either. When I give the two people in the scenario names, however, when I think about it as us...I don't want to hurt him. I don't want him upset. I very much want to keep things just the way they are between us.

Say I meet Ian. I want to be able to write that I might like him, that I read his Blurty and he seems to be funny, sweet, and a genuinely nice guy -- which is something I haven't met in a long time. And so if we hang out, I want to be able to write what happens. I dunno, I might want to remember it.

This is the problem with an online journal. You either censor yourself or wind up upsetting someone you care about. And neither of those options appeal to me. I guess, though, that I have to go with the option that allows me to be honest.		  
    Post
 
and another thing!   
07:17pm 11/03/2003
  When I met Ron John, I was looking for an excuse to get away from Keith. And don't get your panties in a twist, I never cheated on Keith (although I found out later by reading his online diary that he went on several dates with another girl while we were mid-relationship, and considered dumping me for her). But I trumped up Ron John to be this great guy when he turned out to be the kind of guy who would be a complete reject and turn his back on a friend who tells him she might have feelings for him, well after her bad relationship ended.

I'm not trumping up anyone into anything anymore. It's all just a quest for the hero I haven't found yet.

Wonder where he's hiding. Maybe he fell off the big white horse, hit his head, and is down for the count.		  
    Post
 
  litai115
 
 
days