| for the record | ||||
| 03:02am 19/11/2003 | ||||
If the stress of this world killed me tomorrow, I'd want you to have known that. So now it's on the record. |
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drained| gotten from an ex's ex...how fucking weird can i get? | |||
| 06:07pm 16/11/2003 | |||
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Okay, so. I've always thought of myself as a relationship girl, and I make myself lonely; I create drama for myself. The truth is, I'm not ready for a relationship. Unless maybe Chris Carraba came to me on his knees. And even then, only if he wrote me a song. And even then, only if he promised to never, ever play it any way other than acoustic. I have working out and getting ready for OCS, I have work and I have a lot of school work to do. That leaves me no room to waste my time trying to find a relationship. I've got to find time to make my friends a priority, to realize that there are so many great things in life, and to honor the ones that are already there rather than bringing new ones in. I can look for a relationship later. Right now, I've got enough love from my family, friends, and myself. Choose any one of the following to hear when I end your life, because I liked them all! |
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| zzzzzzzzzz | ||||
| 01:24am 16/11/2003 | ||||
Then I worked all day. Sent two dogs home. Gave Melissa another dog. If I didn't have a heart, my checks would be even better than they already are. But I'm tired. I have a lot of papers to write and a lot of work to do, so starting now I'm not going to be around very much this holiday season... |
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| the pet company has drained my will to live | |||
| 12:36am 13/11/2003 | |||
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I have a large, angry, sore spot for pompous assholes. And yes, I know what you're trying to do. You're not as sneaky or as smart as you believe yourself to be. And I'm far smarter than you're giving me credit for. So that's really all I have to say about that. I can't take this crap -- come the second week in January, I'm gone! That's going to be my birthday present to myself...a new job. |
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| everything is better in the light of day | ||||
| 02:37pm 12/11/2003 | ||||
I'm happy with the schedule. I also firmed up a workout schedule and goals for myself, so that's good. I feel better than I did last night. I realize that, while I'm lonely, I'm not ready for anyone in my life. I have far too much to do, in the way of transforming myself while still maintaining good grades and working to make money. I don't have space for anyone in my life right now...I come home from work and crash so I can get up in the morning to workout, then I go to class, then work, and it's just a cycle. At least until I get out from under this busy Christmas season at work, I don't have any space for anyone else in my life. And I'm okay with that. I have a lot on my plate. I have to focus on what I need to do, and stay strong, dedicated and disciplined. Shouldn't be too hard. I saved the schedule to my desktop, and every night before bed I'm going to bring it up, so that I see it first thing every morning. Okay, I'm gonna go lay down for a little bit and veg out before I go to work. I'll see ya later! |
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okay| probably TMI... | |||
| 02:29pm 12/11/2003 | |||
 You Are Submissive!Pain may or may not be your thing, but chances are at least a little spanking turns you on. Submissive doesn't mean your a masochist (though you could be!) It means you like your lover to take charge ... and take care of you In return, you like to worship your partner - in whatever way (s)he wants! Are You Dominant or Submissive? More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva |
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| i've got fourteen balloons, but i think i'll let them take to the sky | ||||
| 02:47am 12/11/2003 | ||||
My goddamn rock solid ghetto shiznit name is Ass Machine Teapot, Yo. But anyway... Apparently, people don't just take pins to your balloons when they're full. You can be slowly deflating, all the air and life fleeing your body...and then they'll pop you and give you that final, fatal blow. And I don't care to discuss what the pinprick that killed me tonight was. However, life sucks and I'm going to die alone. So that might help those who care to figure out just what's wrong with me. Goodnight. |
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| quiz, cuz I've got nothing else to give | |||
| 11:34pm 10/11/2003 | |||
 Konstantine .: it didn't work... and god you both wish it had... yull never forget them. this song brings me to tears... i love it so i love u:. .:Which Something Corporate Song are You:. brought to you by Quizilla |
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| from the Navy website | |||
| 07:10pm 09/11/2003 | |||
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YOUR WHO I AM RESULTS: When you talk, people listen. When you lead, people follow. You're into mellow. You like it when you have time to sort things out and figure out the best way to get it done. You think ahead. You invest in yourself. What you do today will pay off tomorrow. You have a brain and you use it. You read books without pictures in them. You want to go to school, get ahead and do it right. There's one person you can always count on - you. You do it best on your own. Nothing's wrong with teams, they're ust not your thing. You're on point, anticipating anything that could happen. You're a planner - you'll never be caught off guard. No surprises. That's what you?re about. You like knowing ahead of time what's going to happen and what's expected of you. You don't like to compete - you love to compete. Competition brings out the best in you. |
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| after 11 hours at work, I have quizzes for you -- but nothing else. | |||
| 11:15pm 07/11/2003 | |||
 Ichi - "That one with wisdom" Sponsored by www.life-blood.cjb.net What would your Japanese name be? (female) brought to you by Quizilla  You are philosophy. Studied by a huge, poorly-paid community of great intellectual minds, you are always providing more questions than answers. You exist to plague humanity with overconfidence and, at the same time, soul- shaking uncertainty. People take you seriously - if they take you at all, that is. I mean, you're probably required to graduate, aren't you? here for another time consuming study- distraction! WHAT KIND OF QUIZ ARE YOU? brought to you by Quizilla  You are Morpheus, from "The Matrix." You have strong faith in yourself and those around you. A true leader, you are relentless in your persuit. What Matrix Persona Are You? brought to you by Quizilla  You are Red M&Ms! You love attention. ~What color of M&Ms Are YOU?~ brought to you by Quizilla |
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| I have the power to replace chaos with calm. | |||
| 09:54pm 06/11/2003 | |||
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Wow. I'm calm. I'm peaceful. I'm happy. Why, might you ask? Why this change from a dark, pessimistic, lonely girl to one who realizes that there are some really amazing things in life that make everything else so worthwhile? I had an amazing day. Around 8 AM, I decided to have a "fuck it all" day. I finally got up around 9, and did my strength training and then laid around. You caught the beginning of my day in the other entry. But then Chris called around 1, when he got back from class. And he was like, "I was looking for a reason to cut my night class, and you just gave it to me." So we went on some errands -- gas, the bank, Walmart. Then we headed to Palisades. We shopped for awhile, we saw Revolutions in Imax. He bought me dinner at Chili's. We walked around and shopped some more. All in all, we were out for around eight hours. He actually told me I'm the toughest chick he knows. He meant it as a compliment, and I definitely took it as one. And it meant a lot to me. It was nice of him. And it was just what I needed. It was so relaxing and so much fun. I haven't been in such a good mood in a long time. It's like, maybe I don't get to see all my friends all the time -- but when I get to see them...wow, it's just so nice and so much fun, and I really couldn't get into it any more than that. It was just so great. So now I'm just going to relax for the end of my "fuck it all" day. Tomorrow I work 12-8, which shouldn't be so bad. And if it is, oh well, I can let it roll off my back. Goodnight. |
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| buried deep as you can dig inside yourself, and hidden in the public eye -- such a stellar monument to loneliness | ||||
| 11:16am 06/11/2003 | ||||
However, I'm down thirteen pounds. That makes me feel good...not that I don't still have a long way to go. On a brighter note, I looked around last night and wondered when my life had turned out exactly like this. There is a lot I want to do today, and not one single person to do it with. It's fine, I have no problem being solitary. I just wish I had a dog here. Like, I'd be fine being single and never seeing my friends because our lives just never intersect, as long as I had a dog to come home to and sleep with and take care of. All I have are the puppies at the store -- and daily, it's getting more and more to not be enough for me. That wasn't brighter at all, eh? I decided to take today off, because I'm off from work, so I truly can have a "Fuck It All" day. And I have, so far. I've been lounging a bit, watching TV, did my strength training and showered. After Law & Order this afternoon, I'm going to run to the witchy store (hehe) to make myself happy. I'm also going to run to Walmart to buy soda and a new loofah, because mine broke. How? I don't know, so don't ask. Last night at work, Dave thought I listened to Christian music. I can only assume because I don't drink and I told him that I thought hooking up a hookah in the back room to get through work was a stupid idea. I was (obviously) upset by this, and told him so. He thought I overreacted, and then I told him I wasn't even Christian, so how was I going to sit around listening to Christian music? (Aside from Full Surrender, of course, because they kick ass hardcore.) And when he asked me what I was, I deftly sidestepped the question. It astounds me how easy it is to do that with most people. They don't even notice. I'm getting so much better every day at reading people, at figuring out human motivation and being able to just read people. It astounds me. But also, every day, people surprise me. I guess that's how the God and Goddess work. I think I'm sick of being perceived as a person who can take care of herself and who doesn't need any help. Because then there are times when I want to collapse, and there's not a single person who really cares. But maybe I just think myself into isolation from people -- maybe I'm the one who puts out the vibe that tells people to stay away and not to touch me. Ever. I think so. Because it's been like this my whole life, so how can it not be me? Despite how this entry sounds, I really am in a good mood today. I might go see Revolutions tonight -- probably alone, but I'll wait if anybody wants to see it. I just sent out feelers through IMs to the people I'd like to go with...so we'll see about that. Night classes and RA meetings really fuck things up. Anyway...I'm gonna go lounge on the couch until it's time for me to join the real world. =) |
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calm| let's do the time warp again! | ||||
| 02:36pm 05/11/2003 | ||||
On six hours of sleep, I worked for fifteen hours on Halloween. I sold three dogs. I sold another dog Saturday, making me Top Dog. Again. Which, come Monday, made Josh a jealous, pissed off loser. Monday, by the way, I got up at six and strength trained and kick boxed, and felt so incredibly awesome all day. Yesterday I didn't do anything, and felt like shit all day. Today I slept in a little, and strength trained, but have decided to go to the mall early and walk around all over for cardio, and I feel a little blah. The lesson here? Follow the plan, jackass. Not only did I feel like shit yesterday, but it was quite possibly the worst day since I started working there. I got yelled at about fifteen times -- or, more like chastised. I got sent on errands all day, and was made to chase a finch around Hot Topic for about half an hour. I slipped and almost fell outside bringing the cardboard out. As I type this, I realize how stupid and whiny it all sounds, and, like Ashley said, "we're not having a rough day when people are starving -- this is a part of work." However, it felt bad. I wanted to cry all day. Last night, I did. At some point. I came home from work and sat around doing nothing, and then I cried, and then I went to CBC, and then I walked all around with Louis. Then I came back here and went to bed. Gus Gus died this afternoon. Well, s/he probably died last night/this morning...but was discovered this afternoon. It's very sad, and we don't even know what happened. We're thinking that it was a trouble with childbirth issue, but we're not hamster experts, so how are we supposed to know? So that was very sad. Today was my day off. In that, I skipped International Politics (again) and took a day of rest. Everything looks much brighter now. It's funny, whenever I do that visualization of the negativity washing away in the shower, my day is much better. So I guess I'll be doing that every morning from now on. =) There's nothing new to report on the relationship front. Vicki asked me last night if I was bitter about some happy, cuddly couple who shall go unnamed, and I told her, "No, I'm not bitter in the least. I want to be horribly alone for Christmas. Again." And Louis told me I'm pathetic, because being alone for Christmas rules...because you don't have to buy gifts for anyone. Sometimes Louis and his views on love and relationships make me so horrendously sad. Well, it's time to leave for the mall so I can walk all over and then go to work and (hopefully) sell! I'll be around, I'm sure. |
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| today I walked 11,803 steps | |||
| 10:41pm 29/10/2003 | |||
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That's right, my pedometer is my new best friend. It showed me that I walk way more than I thought I did. Anyway, today was good. Got through my International Politics midterm and kick boxed hardcore. Worked with Dave tonight. I led him to an epiphany about his career. As in, of course he can't find a job if he majored in Comm. Now he's gonna think about getting an MBA and seeing what that'll do for him. I dunno, I don't have much to say. I'm going to bed soon, and everybody has their party away messages up. Why don't I ever party? Oh, that's right. Better things to do. Goodnight. |
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| let me take a moment | |||
| 12:02pm 29/10/2003 | |||
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So. There really isn't too much to say at the current moment in time. I got paid. I used the money to buy two ten-pound free weights and a pedometer. I'm now obsessed with the pedometer, and I plan to wear it daily and track how much I walk -- because I don't think it's as much as I should. I dunno. Anyway, went home Monday after the Readings midterm. Well, after I cut American Presidency to go to lunch with Chris and Louis, and then went to Barnes & Noble and the post office with Chris. So anyway, I went home. Got stuck in massive traffic. Had dinner at the Marina with my mom. And hung out with Jen and Bill when they got out of work at 10. Went bowling (saw Mikey -- I missssed him!) and then went to Town & Country. I met Scott, who Jen now likes. And I know she's going to try to distance herself from him so that she doesn't have to get close. But sweetie, you shouldn't do that. And then there's Bill, who's now entrenched in a situation I can do nothing to help him with -- which bothers me more than the situation, because, frankly, it's his life. So Tuesday I overslept, but I went to get my oil changed, I went to TSA to get the stuff I was buying with my paycheck money, and then Jen and I hung out for awhile before I came back here and crammed for International Politics. I'm now mad that I skipped CBC, because I thought this exam was going to be way harder than it turned out to be. But that's not the point. Hindsight is 20/20 and all of that. Samhain is Friday. Yay. And I don't work until 5, so I have time to do something. Yay. Tomorrow I have time to figure out exactly what I want to do. Yay. I know I'm going to put together that gingerbread house I bought in July, thus justifying the waste of money. I wish I had someone to do that with. Someone to bring into my celebration (even though they wouldn't be celebrating the same thing -- or, even better, a Wiccan I could invite over). Anyway, Saturday begins the new year, and it also marks exactly seven months until IRELAND. Which means seven months to get in shape. I went on the scale Tuesday, and realized that I'm down at least seven pounds (small weight fluctuations excluded), and I haven't even been very serious and dedicated to this weight loss thing. So it gives me heart, and makes me believe that if I start the new year off right, with forming the habit of getting up every single morning at 6 to do cardio and strength training, that I will be reshaped in seven months. Not completely, mind you. But enough. Enough to make me happy. And enough to maybe be confident when I meet Ryan. |
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| this world can swallow you whole, but i'll never be taken alive | ||||
| 02:07pm 22/10/2003 | ||||
First of all, yesterday I felt very out-of-it to begin with, because I rolled out of bed and drove home right away, basically. I went to my house and picked some stuff up, and then I went to visit Bill at the gym because I thought it would be nice. He seemed pretty ambivalent to the whole thing, and then dismissed me when his lunch came. We didn't have much to say to each other when I was there. I won't go into any more detail, for fear of over-analyzing a simple situation that took place between two people who are comfortable enough with each other to not have to feel like they're "on" the whole time they're together. We probably just didn't have anything of great note to say. Anyway, after that I went to see my mom, and we had lunch and it was very nice to catch up with her. I debated going to the store in Butler on my drive back, but eventually opted for going to the mall instead, to visit work and to buy black pants from Torrid (which turned into two pairs of black pants, a shirt and two bras). While I was at the store, they tried to get me to go pick up puppies from the vet -- however, I was not working last night, and I had to do Club Feud at 9:30 (more on that later), and so I said no, and Dave would just have to do it (since he was the one scheduled that night who had a car). I was there long enough for Val to confirm to me that Dave was going to pick up the puppies, and then I drove her home to Hackensack. Then, however, I felt compelled to return to the mall. Not the mall, but my store. I felt like I had to be there when Dave came back with the puppies. Then I told myself that it was stupid, that I didn't need to be there, because he was just going to be cranky, and it would look like I liked him if I stayed. Then I told myself that was stupid, because if I had a feeling something was going to happen that I should be there for, I shouldn't decide not to listen to my instincts because of a stupid societal convention where any time a girl has concern for a guy, she wants him. So I stayed. I hung out, I talked to Laura, I played with my Chow. And I got frustrated, and almost left a few times, but then I just...didn't. And I stayed. Dave came in eventually with the puppies like a hurricane of rage. He stormed into the back with them, and then stormed back up and told Laura and me that he was going to take the night off, and walked out. Laura, of course, got very angry and said she'd fire him herself and all that crap. And after a little while of waiting for him (because I assumed he was just outside smoking), when he didn't return, I said I was going to go find him. So I went out to the parking garage and looked all around. No Dave. Then, as I went to go back inside, he came out to have a cigarette. We talked. I let him vent and get out a lot of yelling and cursing and anger, because he'd already been at the mall when he got Val's message, and he'd called saying did he have to go back through the traffic he'd just gone through to get to the vet, and then back up to the mall again, and she'd said yes. Then the cocker spaniel had almost caused him to have an accident, and also got dog shit on his clothes. The woman at the vet said she'd given him a bath, but clearly not. I said he should've had her brush it out. I also said that, had Val let me know he was there and was going to go back out, I would have gone with him so that I could hold the dog. Anyway, after awhile of venting he got to my problem with Alex. He said he'd felt bad that Alex had me so upset/angry, and that the first thing I should do is tell Janene, because Alex isn't above getting written up. However, I have a feeling that when Dave informally gripes about the store to Josh and Janene in a bar somewhere or what have you, he'll bring up that Alex said something that got me very angry. I was just thankful he didn't say anything to Alex, when Alex came out and basically attempted to destroy the Dave-calming I'd just performed. But we all went back into the store, I played with the Chow some more, and then I put her back and left. I went back to the apartment, and had (too much) spaghetti while watching Law & Order, and relaxed on the couch in the living room so that nobody could suck me into long-ass conversations online, because then I'd never leave for stupid, stupid Club Feud. I went and griped and did everything I could think of to try to find a replacement on the team, so that I didn't have to play, but the eventual line-up went Vicki (Fidel), me, Jenny, Joe, and Christine. Once we started playing, I actually had fun. Then we lost to Sigma Sigma Sigma. That's all I'm going to say about it. It's not all Vicki and I had to say about it at Late Nite that night, with Dan and Louis and a Pine RA that I don't really know whose name (I think) is Debbie. But then Vicki and I got onto the topic of how awful it was to live with each other, and we each tried to convince Dan that ours was the right side. I won a small victory in that he did call Vicki Fidel. They're in Art together...I've never even met him before. He rooms with Joe, who was the same Joe listed above in our CBC line-up. However, here's a list of things I don't know, apparently, according to the Club Feud: game systems, what people eat at baseball games, what electronic devices people can't live without, Tom Hanks movies, and Steven Speilberg movies. That's all I can remember that I don't know right now. After Late Nite, I walked with Dan and Louis towards Oak & Maple so that I could walk the Rape Path back to Tamarack, but then Louis and I decided to hang out. We watched trashy dating shows and talked about things that reminded me all too much of last fall, and the trap I refuse to fall into again, and then I went home around 1 and crashed. Today, I got up at 9 (sadly, when I convinced myself it was pathetic to still be in bed) and did some hardcore kickboxing, which really woke me up for my three-hour class. Now I'm flipping through magazines I've been waiting a week to read, and then I'm going to work. See ya later. |
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awake| i swear, i love my job | ||||
| 11:25pm 20/10/2003 | ||||
I'm not seen the way I'd like to be seen, and I should work on that. But your attitude sucks, and you should work on that. (Sorry, manager problems haunt me still.] I got up and kickboxed this morning. Then my day went unpredictably well until it turned sour (and then I did, according to Dave -- who was at least nice to me when he realized it wasn't just a mood swing). However, I must say that I love being that girl that guys will tell when they find other girls attractive. It always feels so great to be that girl -- I'm sure other girls who are that girl can relate. Ummm...that's about all, my brain's fried. |
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| five things i'm thankful for | |||
| 01:52am 17/10/2003 | |||
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1) Arianas 2) Kristin 3) Selling seven dogs in two weeks at work 4) Making good friends that I like at work 5) Knowing that I won't feel this awful in the morning |
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| the older I grow, the less I know | ||||
| 01:57pm 15/10/2003 | ||||
This is because I should not be looking for anyone. Save for, quite possibly, the Lady and Lord. Because I don't acknowledge them enough in my day to day life. And while I don't want to risk writing this and sounding like someone's psycho-religious ex-girlfriend, it really is important to acknowledge deity in my daily life. That's why I'm going to add meditation to my evenings, and I'm going to add a blessing and affirmation to my mornings. Kickboxing itself is going to be a morning ritual to honor the divine within (as soon as I'm no longer sick, so I don't aggravate my symptoms), and the shower will be one of purifying. I also need to start doing more reading when I have spare time -- I need to fill in gaps in my knowledge on the history of my religion and the important people of it, as well as various other things. I've been thinking lately that I'd really like to seek other Pagan, preferably Wiccan, people. I'm not sure if Witchvox is the best way to do this, or if I should maybe really try to start a Pagan organization on campus. I'm not sure if I have the time to really do that, but I think it might be a great idea. I don't really have much to write. I'm going to begin to do the five things I'm thankful for again, because I somehow stopped doing that, and I shouldn't have. Five Things I'm Thankful For 1) Trips to Walmart, centered on laughter and catching up 2) Similar trips to 7-11 and drives on the Orange County Circle 3) Phone calls with people who are comfortable enough with me to talk about uncomfortable things 4) Cancelled classes that leave me time to do some reading 5) Papers finished in plenty of time |
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hopeful| sounds kinda right | |||
| 12:22am 12/10/2003 | |||
 You are Form 1, Goddess: The Creator. "And The Goddess planted the acorn of life. She cried a single tear and shed a single drop of blood upon the earth where she buried it. From her blood and tear, the acorn grew into the world." Some examples of the Goddess Form are Gaia (Greek), Jehova (Christian), and Brahma (Indian). The Goddess is associated with the concept of creation, the number 1, and the element of earth. Her sign is the dawn sun. As a member of Form 1, you are a charismatic individual and people are drawn to you. Although sometimes you may seem emotionally distant, you are deeply in tune with other people's feelings and have tremendous empathy. Sometimes you have a tendency to neglect your own self. Goddesses are the best friends to have because they're always willing to help. Which Mythological Form Are You? brought to you by Quizilla |
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