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[20 Dec 2003|08:04pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | _through the rain-mariah carey_ ] ...yeah so i just got home like, an hour ago...i have a hella hangover, and i just started drinking, yet again..arent i smart?...hmm yeah...so yesterday, i talked to Jeremy before i went to work, and he seemed a lil....more distant then usual...i tried to talk to him, but he just..didnt seem like he was there...so after work, i was still thinking about him and i realized how unhappy he really was in our relationship...it upset me so i decided to go to a party and get drunk..My ex was there, and he started in telling me how much he loved me and stuff..which made things even worse because all i kept thinking about was how much i wish Jeremy was happy with me..-sigh-...after that, i have no clue what happened...i got way too drunk..ick i havent been so drunk before in my life..i just seriously dont know what i did...i woke up at 4:00 today...idk i just passed out..when i woke up, i was in the bathroom floor, curled up in a ball..well then i went to work until 6:30, and left early....i came home and i read the email from Jeremy ;/...i guess..we are finally "taking a break"..although im not sure what that implies..idk if we are still "together" at all..or if there is even a chance..or if it is even worth it to try and save...idk if he could ever be happy with me...-sigh- nOw im all....idk i just couldnt handle it so i started drinking again. raWr. my mother is upset with me, she thinks im going to get alcohol poisoning, and i dont really give a fuck?...i dont feel like writing anymore cause...i just dont know anymore..... _Why am i dieing to live, if im just living to die?_ (1) Mandy & Jeremy Always

[18 Dec 2003|05:18pm] [ mood | scared ] You said you'd never leave me... and that you'd Always be at my side. You promised me this, you know? So why did you say good-by? Just last night you came over, nothing seemed wrong. Then today it all changed, now you're gone. You called me up and asked if you could meet me some place. I said, "Sure, what's wrong, hun?" You told me you just had something important to say. I agreed and we met at the park. You looked down and told me something, that broke my heart. You looked me in the eyes, I could see a tear drop getting ready to fall. You told me you couldn't be with me, and that things weren't working out at all! I looked at you, with tear-filled eyes, fell to the ground, and just asked, "Why?" You told me things have changed. And I said, "In one night?" You told me you weren't going to argue, or start a fight. And there we were... standing... not saying a word. And then you finally told me the truth, ...about her. You told me you had fallen in love, and that you couldn't take those feelings back. You told me you never knew that things would end up like that. And then you looked at me and said, "I never meant to hurt you, I am so very sorry if I did." Well, I guess we vary in what our definition of "always" is. (4) Mandy & Jeremy Always

_pOems_randOm thoughts from my demented self_ [18 Dec 2003|05:15pm] I watch you From a close distance Sinking farther, faster Into the sadness We all must battle I am powerless Unable to reach you Reach out to you Pull you from the depths The dismay that slowly Swallows your hope Extinguishes your light Takes you away from me I call to you Urge you to fight But you don’t hear me Won’t hear me Can’t hear me Futilely I call though Refusing to give up Give you up Wishing I could fight The demons you hold That hold you Cursing those past Who’ve made you This way today Mandy & Jeremy Always

[18 Dec 2003|05:09pm] [ mood | scared ] [ music | ...too scared to think... ] Blinding hope, so far away. I want him, I need him, but I cant beg him to stay. His happiness is questioned, here i am being so selfish. He was mine, and now i wonder.. He is my falling star, but did he fall with me? So many questions, only silence replies.. Why am i living in a heart full of lies? Why am i hurting, please baby make it stop.. People say they understand, They say it will get better. They must not have ever felt the way i do..or they would understand the pain. Its unbearable, i feel so weak. I need him to be here with me. i cant watch him be happy with another, so im dieing to get away. Running away, the coward i am. Bleeding slowly, not ever too deep. Crying, Feeling empty..too scared to sleep. Falling farther away from everyone. Im slowly deciding to dissapear. Only he can bring me back, but he doesnt need me as i do him. Make it stop hurting..a slice of my wrist. Feeling the pain, loving it as the demented person i am. wishing my emptyness would bleed away. Only he can feel this space... yet...i wonder if he wants me as much as i want him... im too scared to know the answer, so im running even farther away. I will make him happy.....if that takes me fading away to nonexistence in his mind.. consider me no one.... (1) Mandy & Jeremy Always

....cr-a-zy.... [17 Dec 2003|09:54pm] [ mood | confused ] [ music | _Through the Rain_ ] .....im gOing crazy...it feels like im falling down, and cant get back up...its a feeling i dont enjoy feeling but always seems to appear in my life...everyOne says its gOing to be okay..but what do they know?..they dont know shit about whats going on with me...i dont want them to know. the more i try and shelter them, they push and push...Sean thinks im ungrateful..he just doesnt understand. -sigh- Last night wasnt a good night....i was so close to the edge...it scared the hell out of me the lenths i was willing to go just to end the torment of my friends and myself. I was honestly,close to killing myself...i havent ever been that close..yeah i have cut myself before..and i have been ready to hurt myself thinking i deserved it...but killing myself?..umm ya that felt like an extreme...and yet i couldnt control the urge i felt to do it. Me and Jere had a disagreement too which didnt help..I guess that pushed me over the line between security and being alOne. Just the whole situation we discussed...at first i wouldnt talk about it..but he just kept pushing and pushing until i exploded and let it all out..i wonder if he knew what he was doing, or if he just wanted to talk about it?...idk.he was right thO.he said i couldnt ignore it..and i couldnt..it just kept naggin at me..and when i couldnt make the panic go away...i jus...uh idk...i just didnt like it at all last night..he finally told me about something he never planned on telling me...and its crazy because it was also something that i think about alot, and enjoy....its wierd...i always thought i was demented and sick but....maybe nOt?....i dunno... Sean got really upset with me because i wouldnt let him call me. it honestly had nothing to do with me talking to jeremy....he thinks it does, but it really doesnt. i didnt want him to hear me like that. i didnt want to be the one whO pissed him off by randomly flipping on him...gawd, i give up on trying to shelter people....i just dont want people to see me like this and NO ONE understands that..yeah yeah, i wont let them understand. oh well..... Im honestly thinking about deleting AOL...Im tired of the drama..im tired of pissing people off when all im trying to do is make them understand i dont want help...im tired of being tired of everything..yeah maybe i need help..and yeah maybe i need counciling...but i dont WANT it so it wont help. i have two jobs now...im trying to catch up my medical shit from being sick...im trying to pay bills...keep gas in my car...pay for things i need...and god..im sixteen years old...dO people realize how hard it really is to take care of yourself and do things like this?..i have so much stress and then all kinds of shit happens on here...there are a select few i dont want to leave...maybe i just need a break from everything to reflect on what is really important to me..maybe there isnt anything?...well i know there is..but i wonder if he feels the same way....is it important to him?.....ehh i dunno. i keep writing and writing...but it isnt helping..so much is still in me that i cant say...cant express...how can someone else help me if i dont understand whats wrong with myself?......they cant.....they just....cant. "Falling Star" And I'll drown... There are things that me smile, And one of them is you. It's like you came and cast a spell on me. I can't think of anyone else, I can't even think of myself. The one wish I had I used on you... I'm just thinkin so hard, I wished for you when I wished on that star. I wanna die in your arms, 'Cause you're my falling star There are times I have to smile, Because I think of you. It's like you came and stole my heart. I can't think of anyone else, I can't even think of myself. The one wish I had I used on you... I'm just thinkin so hard, I wished for you when I wished on that star. I wanna die in your arms, 'Cause you're my falling star And I'll drown in your eyes, And I'll choke from your kiss. And I'll drown in your eyes, And I'll choke from your kiss. And I'll drown in your eyes, And I'll choke from your kiss. And I'll drown in your eyes, 'Cause if I'm gonna die, I wanna die like this....... _ he is my falling star ;/...but is he falling with me?_ Mandy & Jeremy Always

...gawd... [17 Dec 2003|02:15am] [ mood | numb ] [ music | _ silence of my thoughts.._ ] ...wOw...what an exciting life eh?....yeah....well, its the 17th..i guess it should be a happy day, but i dont feel so "happy" riight now. ...never does it fail...something always seems to happen. yeah, no1 knows what im talking about but one person, and i dont really care. Anyways...i dont feel like talkin about it, but i feel like i need to get it out. i dunno..its just so complicated...it hurts...i dont know how else to describe it..im not mad...im not angry...im not...anything but hurt..its hurts so bad its almost numbing pain. it makes me feel like leaving and never coming back. im sick of being the one who puts confusion in people's lives..why cant i just be the one whO makes someone's life complete?...why is there always someone better?....i give up on trying. if this keeps going in the direction it is right now...then it does...if it turned around, then it does..yes i realize im being vague with my writing..which is something i havent ever done...i dont hide what i feel or edit my writing..but i am this time..this is extremely personal...im writing the whole situation in private, but ya....anyways...i feel like i need to go to bed....why today?.....-loox down-....i just dunno anymore......i just.....u think everything is going good...that he finally realizes u are his "better" that he has found....and.then it all changes...-sigh-....always someone better......How can it be so quiet....and yet so loud?...im trying to focus on one thought, but 237891731 millions are running through my head at a dull rawr...maybe this is what its like going insane?... Always were and always were a simple love story. You were everything that I ever hoped and dreamed. Drown me in a pool of my blood. It's getting harder just to breathe. I'll suffocate you faster, just so you can't see. So you can't see me sleep. Nothing was supposed to hurt like this. Missing you was just one more kiss. Now there is nothing I can do. One more nail in the coffin and it's all for you. It's getting harder just to say the right things. I've seen the angels face and I've heard her sing to me. From the reflection on a razor blade. I've heard ten thousand dying screams, and they're calling me. The day will break on this saddest day, so don't let me wake. _ and with this breath, i hOpe not to wake...no more hurting, no more feelings at stake_ (3) Mandy & Jeremy Always

.....hmm...yeah..... [15 Dec 2003|04:00pm] [ mood | sleepy ] [ music | _ Until the Day i die_story of the year_ ] Alright.....nOw that my BLURTY WORKS AGAIN! God..it was down for the longest time and i was so ticked off cause i actually had to WRITE on paper lol. typing is so much easier and faster. but ya. Anyways, i talked to Sean the other day, after he told me he had lOst intrest in our friendship and stuff. That devestated me so much, but i tried nOt to let it show. so much was already happening with me, i didnt want him to see me in that depression/empty/blank/numb/bitch stage. He started trippin out on me about going back to my old ways...god i just crumbled...im not the person i used to be and i never ever will be again. i just...idk. we wOrked through it i think....well we did until the end of the convo i guess.. the last thing he said to me was " You will never understand".....what does he mean? What wont i understand? idk and i havent talked to him since all of that happened. he wanted to call me...but eh if u have talked to me...u know that im just quiet and withdrawn...i didnt want him to hear me like that but he really wanted to talk to me. I should have just let him call...-sigh- idk i miss our old friendship. i love him to death....and i just hate the way i am. he cant except the way i think of myself.but he has to because that is just hOw i feel about myself. i cant help that i hate me ;/ Jeremy is doing better i think...He is still withdrawn..but he is talking a lil more. I talked to him til like, 7:00 in the morning Friday lol. it was cool. that was the longest we have talked for in a long time. i actually felt like i was doing something right for once. it was pretty cool. God, i love him..and it just makes me wOnder...is this just a dream? that im going to wake up from and realize im bitter, cold and alone?...It cant be true, yet....it is. -sigh- Lets see, my weekend. Friday i sat at home...didnt do anything. Daq tried to get me to come to a party, but i didnt feel like it, so i stayed home talking to Jeremy. It was worth it <3 Saturday, i went to bed at 10:00 in the morning, woke up at 2:30...went to the mall with Isabel and stuff...ya intresting...then i went and worked out and ran 2 miles...and then i got drunk off my motha fucking ass lol. it was niice. i dont remember mOst of that night. i dont WANT to remember...i must have been a horny lil bish..from what isabel was telling me...i do remember when i sobered up, isabel was at my door with a black eye and shit...god i dont even want to get into that situation. Last night, we went to her bf's house and got drunk. Dominomino was there ;] heh i had missed that boii. So was Daquri. He was really trying to fondle me and shit. uh it was so....NOT COOL. i got pissed and left. other then that, it was cool. i got home from Isabel's at 6:00 this morning. I left for school at 6:15...and im so f-ing tired lol. i think imma go lay down. aww i miss matt ;[ sleep makes me think of him cuz he always talks to me before i go to sleep..lol but ya, imma go sleep now. lataz playaz<3 lol _Mandy..Ganqsta Mami..hØochii mama..Biitch..Manders. Piimptress_ >> always imitated >> never duplicated. Keep trying biitchs ;] >> Mandy & Jeremy Always

..erhm ;/ [10 Dec 2003|12:02am] [ mood | aggravated ] gawd, i dont know what to do. krista's dad died today, and Jeremy is hanging on barely. He is totally upset, but he refuses to let it out. I feel so helpless, because he wont let me help him..he thinks he has to be strong all the time...but i wish he would just let it all out, but of course he wont. he just got off ;/...err not a good thing...i want to be here for him, but what am i supposed to do if he wont let me? grrr damnit damnit damnit. this sucks. i wish i wasnt sick. its terrible. Im talking to matt lol. he is a great guy. i lovez him bunches<3 But ya, anyways...hmmph....i wish jeremy would get back on? geez....i dont know what to do..i think imma go to bed or something..my head hurts so bad. -sigh- (2) Mandy & Jeremy Always

eww ;x [08 Dec 2003|08:05pm] [ mood | sick ] [ music | -Through the rain- ] Ugh, i feel so icky. God, i wish Jeremy was on, but no doubt, he is out with Chelsea, again. I mean, i know i shouldnt be jealous...but its just a thing i guess with everything thats been happening, and how i need him but he is out with her..and by his journal, he used to be/is still?! in love with her...and idk. its just everything. gawd, i feel so icky. 103.7, but at least its going down a lil. I have some kind of new super flu..its so icky. ehh my head is about to explode..i just miss jeremy, and i feel like shit..and im frustrated and annoyed. gawd, im just going to go back to bed for a while. -Mandy- Mandy & Jeremy Always

-grr [23 Nov 2003|01:15am] [ mood | bitchy ] [ music | [[_reading lyrics to taste my tears_]] ] Ok, well since i havent updated in a while, i might as well now lol. i read Grant's blurty, so now i have an impulse to write in mine x_x -Jeremy- Ok, Jeremy got shot, and beat the fuck outta him..and now he is in ICU..;x how much more bluntly can i put it? I feel so helpless because i want to be there for him...And i cant even talk to him. He is showing improvement by squeezing peoples hands..but i want him back the way he was. I miss him so much...grrrrr.....i dont wanna talk bout it anymore cuz im going to start crying even more..i hate crying, its such a weakness... -Car Wreck- ok, friday night, i got in a car wreck with my friend. I was thinking more about Jeremy then anything else, and i wasnt paying attention. I didnt have a quick reaction time, so when this guy was in the wrong lane i wasnt thinking. he almost hit me head on, but i swerved in a ditch and he only caught my drivers side. ahhh my car is ruined =( im going to have to put hella money back into it which pisses me off. It doesnt matter. Im sitting in the hospital right now..It sux. They wouldnt let me have my lap top until i pitched a fit. grrr...i cant play soccer or run track anymore, so i dont think im going to college because my scholarships are shot to hell now. I tore my ACL which is going to take hella therapy...i cant drive, i cant move it..i need more morphine. I have a HUGE headache..i cracked 3 ribs and broke one. It almost pierced my lung, but it didnt which im at least grateful for. -sigh- sometimes i wonder if life can get any worse? Haha i read Grant's blurty..i cant believe he had a crush on Dez lol. its so cute. I mean, i dont see why he wouldnt, dez is freakin awesome! lol but ya anyways, i didnt know he had a blurty? crazy stuff...hmm ya anyways, i think imma go so i can talk to Sara and Grant. ily guyz<33333 Standing on my doorstep in the rain. Make up running down your face. You look so good right now. It's bittersweet that you run to me. I need you, I bleed you, I would give up breathing for you, if you would take my breath and hold it in. I need to be inside of you. Show me where it hurts. Show me what love's done to you. Don't try to move, you'll only make it worse than it is already. [[__yOu make my heart beat faster__]] Mandy & Jeremy Always

[17 Nov 2003|10:07pm] When you feel it in your body You found somebody who makes you change your ways Like hanging with your crew Said you act like you're ready But you don't really know And everything in your past - you wanna let it go I've been there, done it, fucked around After all that - this is what I found Nobody wants to be alone If you're touched by the words in this song Then baby... U got, u got it bad When you're on the phone Hang up and you call right back U got, u got it bad If you miss a day without your friend Your whole life's off track You know you got it bad when you're stuck in the house You don't wanna have fun It's all you think about U got it bad when you're out with someone But you keep on thinkin' bout somebody else U got it bad [[ i got it bad =/ ]] Mandy & Jeremy Always

[17 Nov 2003|09:41pm] [ mood | blank ] [ music | [[ Two Princes...Thinking bout things]] ] "Taste Of Tears" Standing on my doorstep in the rain. Make up running down your face. You look so good right now. It's bittersweet that you run to me. I need you, I bleed you, I would give up breathing for you, if you would take my breath and hold it in. I need to be inside of you. Show me where it hurts. Show me what love's done to you. Don't try to move, you'll only make it worse than it is already. You had to be so strong and I had to be so useless. I'm always fuckin' useless, useless without you. Tears ran down your face like rain on the window you were looking out. What were you looking for? I won't ask tonight. I need this, just one kiss, a gentle touch, your sweet caress. My heart will break my ribs if I hold this in. I must confess. I hate myself for needing this. I love our twisted little mess. I know it's wrong but it just feels right. The taste of tears is bittersweet tonight. I'm scared as hell. It's about time that I tell you all the things that you should know. All the things I'm too scared to show. I need you, I bleed you, I would give up breathing for you, if you would take my breath and hold it in. [[This song was written by Jeremy....I dunno..it touches me in a wierd way, and im not sure why i can relate to it but there it is, i can]] Mandy & Jeremy Always

[16 Nov 2003|09:50pm] [ mood | numb ] [ music | <> My own Tears <> ] When u think you can feel no greater pain then what u have already felt, something happens to make you think your a fucking idiot for believing something u thought was so real.....Everything happens to me, and it doesnt matter what i want....or....i just dont know. I LOVE HIM....why the fuck cant everyone just back the fuck off?! Im tired of jealous bitches having to go and ruin it. Why does everyone want what i have?! Why am i not enough for anyone? Everyone knOws what they want until they are with me..and then they dont know anymore...why me? I thought everything was fine..and now im not so sure. Maybe i should just let him go....but then where would i be? I would be lOst without him now..He is such a big part of my life...i just want him and only him..and now...-swallowz- He doesnt know...whO he is in love with....and...that means..i might not be that "one"...Am i crying pointless tears? Is any of this worth it? Is there a reason for my existence?.......AM I IMPORTANT TO FUCKING ANYONE!!! God....a month..a month tomorrow and NOW.....WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO!! i cant do anything but sit here and wait....wait and hope, and in the past it has never helped a damn bit so why the fuck should i think that it would now?....Me and Jeremy were talking and we were happy..or i was...and i read his greeting..and i felt special....and then he had me "hold on" because Breezy was flipping out.....everything is fucked up...first my grandma, now Jeremy...Here we go again..same old story....same pain...losing everyone....Maybe my existence is pointless.... " Mandy & Jeremy Always

-angry- [11 Nov 2003|10:22pm] [ mood | aggravated ] [ music | -...tears...mine?! tell u when im not so numb...- ] Oh my fucking gooood!! Im so sick of people. Dude, i hate cheaters, why the FUCK would i cheat on someone i love? I just...DONT UNDERSTAND!! i was trying to help justin out because he was really upset..i only sat next to him n held him and talked to him...damn if thats cheating i must be a wh0re...i was only trying to help a friend and now everything is fucked up..watch im going to lose Jeremy..and when i do, im gettin rid of AOL. im sick of people lieing about me because they want my boyfriend..im sick of it..I understand why he would believe his friend over me...im just some pathetic bitch he is wondering why he is with...god i fucking hate everything....i knew this would happen..nOthing good ever stays..i always fuck shit up, but why is it that it only fucking happens to me? I care so much about Jermey..i lOve him....but god damn it someone is lieing!! They dont even got Justin's sn right. I havent even talked to that other person...i dont know where the hell they came up with it..but the "female" who is talking shit could at least get Justin's sn right and lie correctly...I have been hearing hella shit about Jeremy..blah blah..he is cheating on you, he doesnt love you cuz he is a playa, his pix are fake, he is a liar...i knOw its all bullshit and i stand up for him..i tell em to shut up..i just want to know whO the hell is starting all of this shit...Just wait until i find out..promises promises..they cant tell me but i will find out and then we will SEE who is lieing..... i give up.... (1) Mandy & Jeremy Always

[26 Oct 2003|09:10pm] <> I wish <> I wish I could be the one you think of day and night, I wish I could be the one you wish you could hold tight. I wish I could be the one you want in every way, I wish I could be the one you love more and more each day. I wish I could be the one to look into your eyes I wish I could be the one who get's your every surprise. I wish I could be the one you make love to every night, I wish I could be the one you're with every night. I wish I could show you you mean everything to me and now im done wishing because your the one who has shown that you love me....for me. <>Written to my baby, Jeremyy...iLu so much babe....u dont even know...<> heh..i was 2 scared to show that 2 Jeremy..but i did..heh....he sent me 2 songz he wrote for meh..it made me feel special...i love him soooo much..-sigh-....im already afraid to lose him...he makes me feel....complete iLu baby...10-17-03 Mandy & Jeremy Always

-...im happy like...wh0a- [25 Oct 2003|04:33pm] [ mood | happy ] [ music | _two princes-thinkin of muh baby_ ] awwww........Jermey is such a sweetie. he told me a sec. ago that he didnt want to lose me, and that he fell for me....-sigh- he is such a doll n i love him bunches..He was scared he was going to lose me...w0w..thats a new one..i dont think anyone has been afraid of losing me and its always been the other way around....-claps for myself- lol..yayyyy for meh!...Jermey ish a keeper..haha. Anyways, i havent really been on lately with all the shit that has been happening around here..grr..i just hate the fucking fact that im in the middle of a bunch of shit when i didnt even do anything this time damn it....raWr. Poor Jermey. He has been having alot of problems and stuff. In his journal he was talking about how he was drifting away from his friendz...i dunt want him to be unhappy so i hope that he gets everything w0rked out..He hasnt really talked to me about any of his problems but i know something is wrong with him just by the way he acts and everything.....sc0tt is such a dirty boi;x lmao all he does is talk bout someone fucking him or givin him head...i swear, penis' these dayz..dude, sean hasnt really been on lately, and when he is that boi has is away message on...i dont know whats wrong with him, but i know something is..i just wish he would talk to me about it....-sigh-...well anyways, Imma go n go talk to jermey now......laterz *_I love muh baby...Jermey..never let me go..ilu..10-17-03_* Mandy & Jeremy Always

-thinking- [23 Oct 2003|01:46am] Your Style is Punk! Whats your Style brought to you by Quizilla Hmmph...ya....im just sitting here thinking n worrying bout Jermey..and im boreded so i took some quiz..i wanted the slut one like Dez =( damn it lmmfao..oh well anyways..imma go. Mandy & Jeremy Always

[17 Oct 2003|12:59am] [ mood | loved ] grr my tummy hurtz...GOD..IM SO TIRED OF BEING SICK! i wish i knew what was wrong with me..raWr..its k tho =D...im soo happy right now it doesnt even matter. Jermey broke up with Ashlee and he asked me out tonight...he is so awesome. i love him to death already. He is just an awesome guy. He makes me feel special. He is has been there for me always listening to my problems...This is one that Sean might actually agree with and approve of..hehe. Tonight started out bad, and turned out awesome..I had a few ups n downs when it came to Grant and Kelsi...but its still totally awesome cuz Jermey is always there telling me not to worry about it...He is such a sweetie and i feel so lucky to have him....i guess we are both lucky in our own ways to have found each other..but i have been hurt so much and it just makes me feel so good to have someone i can actually trust..well imma go now...muh baby ish on n i wanna talk to him<33 ilu baby<33 -Mandy- Mandy & Jeremy Always

[09 Oct 2003|12:33am] In front of the window Staring out at the world; On the outside, a woman But inside, a mere girl. Diamonds and rubies could not Replace what she felt; For she had not chosen The cards she was dealt. She fell for a man Born with no heart; When he left her behind Her world fell apart. She never knew love Could hurt her so much; She cried many tears But there was never enough. She vowed never to give Her heart away again; For as you may know, A broken heart never mends. (dedicated to some many people, you dont even fucking know) Mandy & Jeremy Always

[09 Oct 2003|12:19am] 1,000 Times you turned away. 2,000 Times I begged you to stay. 3,000 Hugs from you I missed. 4,000 Kisses left unkissed. 5,000 Tears I have cried. 6,000 Times you have lied. 7,000 I hate you's. 8,000 I forgive you too's. 9,000 Hateful words we’ve spoken. 10,000 Promises you’ve broken. lol i wrote this...like....a HELLA long time ago..i just found it. this basically reminds me of every past relationship i have ever had. im sick of fucking screwed up relationships....my next one will be diffrent. vance asked me out again. he just wants me to give him another chance..what if it could be diffrent this time? Do you think it could? Maybe its false hope i give myself but at least its something to hold onto..something to make my life not feel so empty. - shrugs- im still happy right now tho. i have soooo much to write about cause of yesterday but i believe im going to do that later lol. i dont have the time or energy to explain it all..my life is like a soap opera sometimes i swear. OoOO wellll! anyways, im just going through all my old poems n shit finding stuff i hadnt seen in forever. Im sure i will end up posting something else also lol. Mandy & Jeremy Always

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