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Saturday, December 23rd, 2006
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3:01p
This is kind of personal, so if you feel you shouldn't read this insert, well you're probably right and should wait for the next update.
Well without being too rude about my parent's I can honestly say this morning has not only given me a headache, it's made me feel quite physically ill. I will explain why in brief, so that perhaps people may understand a little more about me. My parent's live in an abusive relationship. My mother doesn't seem to like too many thing's about my father, from his dress to his work habits on the weekends, yet of course one often fail's to see their own short coming's, e.g. while she live's it up at the gym and walk club meetings each night some of her own responsibilities at home get left by the wayside for others. Then when she does have to do them, it's the most painful experience. Believe it or not, it's one of the reason's that I still live at home and I will explain, when she doesn't get what she wants, or in most cases to get what she want's in the house it becomes a screaming center, personally I believe my father is a tortured man. Of course I recognize that men are not with out fault, but in term's of human relation's what occurs in this household is a nightmare to say the least. Which is why in the past I've actually tried to pick up more than my fair share of the duties to keep the peace so to speak.
(Mum has done a few thing's while she's been on holiday's I'll giver her that)
So if people wonder why I'm still here, in many way's it's almost as a protection for my father, but this morning after hearing her call him all things from an idiot to a dick head, which at that point I had to interject and ask that she stop the emotional abuse, I can't help but think that I've had enough of living under a roof where such relationships are allowed to perpetuate. In fact many time's a lot of my own emotional outbursts have been prompted by something like this going on.
You know from a psychological perspective, I'm aware of what things will trigger reactions and what causes emotional along with psychological damage. I don't want to turn this into a psychological experiment because it's my parents home, I guess what I'm saying though, is from that perspective I don't even need to go past my own front door to experience human relation's in what I consider a very negative emotional environment, or at least it can be.
Anyway to cut a long story short, this is one area of my life that I need to address in my New Year's Resolutions, and it is most likely going to be a very difficult thing to do.
They both just left the house, and I feel almost physically sick from the matter, because even after asking that she not speak to him in such away, which she had a little laugh at, thirty minutes later, she's doing it again. Now if you put that in context with the fact that she spent yesterday driving around showing the ring my father bought her for their 40th wedding anniversary, it actually presents a very different picture of their relationship. Assessing it of course, I believe that in many way's my father does his best, even almost trying to buy her approval and praise, however it is short lived. What actually started the negative self image that's been created ? Does my father even recognize there is one being created ? Is he stronger than the word's ?
You know, you do something nice, and you get a slap in the face the next day.
I think on odd's this happen's quite a lot in other people's relationships. That, I guess is where one look's at love and nurturing relationships. Are we made stronger if we turn to violence, or are we made weaker ? How do we protect ourselves ? Would love solve the problems ? I guess another way of putting it is, if I walked out of this house tomorrow would it make it a stronger house or a weaker house ? Would the strength I gain for myself be liberating, or would it break down part of the family unit. Would a new family of like mind's evolve, and would those new relationships that are built have more depth. You know there's a lot to be said about evolution of the mind, body, spirit and person. Of course they would I know that, but how do you start, when there are so many mind's that are not prepared to change, to see they need to change, or are even prepared to give change a chance, some people don't need to change then again maybe we all do.
I don't think I could say this any other way, "All I am saying is give change a chance".
I hope they read this, I doubt they will.
Oh man, I have not had a headache like this for a very long time. I think dreaming myself away to my Nirvana Type State, is what keep's me sane. Sure my head is in the cloud's but my feet, we'll they're planted firmly on Planet Earth....strange that don't you think.
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3:26p
Then again, they're both quite intelligent, and I of course could most likely be amongst two very interesting strategists.
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5:29p
Then, well there's how they abused us as kid's in order to get us to behave. Shit I couldn't count how many wooden spoon's they broke on my legs. Pain...shit my whole life's been programmed for pain, one could wonder how or why I experience any joy at all. But hey that's my life...
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5:56p
and now, you tell me, were they trying to build our spirit, or destroy it in the world they had created ?
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6:13p
I think I might have a T-Shirt made up
"Human's are Monsters".
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6:20p
And you want to know the sickest thing about it, one of the friends families houses that I visited with my parent's after one of these sessions, where my leg's and ankles were black and blue, well they probably wouldn't say anything about it, because there daughter killer herself. ...not that I should be bringing it up, but the fact that at this very moment there at their house celebrating Christmas I guess, you know the great spirit of Christmas, it doesn't really bring up a great deal of good memories.
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8:35p
Anyway I think I'm off the negative shit, and I just did something pretty funny with some video taping, but I might leave it for a couple of day's then pop it on You Tube...
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