Monday, August 4th, 2003
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10:27 am
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Depression... again. Maybe because Im so tired. I have been working none stop since I have gotten hired. all eight hour days also. Me and darren got into a fight last night. I was so upset I really wanted to physically hurt him like punch him or something. its been really rough.
current mood:  cold
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Wednesday, July 30th, 2003
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8:00 am - THE FACTS....
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The fact that this is so close to what is true it really scares me.
Your name of Lindy has given you an idealistic nature with a desire to help others. Your initiative often causes you to be the first to act when you see a need. Since you are impressionable and receptive, you feel the misfortunes of others very keenly. However, this name makes it awkward for you to express your deeper thoughts and feelings with finesse and diplomacy to the extent that your candid, sometimes blunt, manner of speaking creates misunderstandings with others. Being somewhat self-centred, you learn through your own experiences, as you rarely take advice from others. Yet, you are sensitive and very easily hurt and offended. You long for praise and appreciation for your efforts, but others find it difficult to understand you. You dislike monotony and system and enjoy being creative in an inventive way whether it be in interior decorating, music, art, crafts, or other endeavours that require versatility and skill. You are imaginative and visionary, somewhat of a perfectionist, yet the results of your efforts often fall short of your high expectations. A leadership position appeals to you because you would enjoy directing others rather than being directed. Your feelings are strong and you tend to react intensely to situations. Because of your sensitive nervous system, over-stress and extreme tiredness could cause nervous disorders, seizures, fainting, or dizziness. You could also experience head tension such as headaches, weak eyes, or throat problems.
yet I am still skeptical... someone is spying on me. It has to be. OH AND another thing. I was thinking yesterday... I know something that doesnt happen very often, but do you ever like just think and say your name and when you do you come to the realization that "oh my god Im Lindy ( or whatever you call yourself) Then you get this feeling that... "wow I do exist" because you really never pay attention to yourself you know? So when you realize that you do exist its like a really weird feeling. Along time ago I first had these feelings you know.. I was probably about ten. I was visitin my grandma and I was looking in a mirror and I stared at myself and I was just like "WHOA" whos that? LOL Its just really hard to explain.
current mood:  impressed
current music: Today audio tape on sadaams ackownledges his sons deaths
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Tuesday, July 29th, 2003
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4:00 pm - First Day
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Today is my first day working at meijers Im really excited....Its only two hours but I dont care its just the first day. I will write back and let ya know how it goes.
current mood:  excited
current music: mtv burned
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Monday, July 28th, 2003
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10:39 am - My weekend...
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My weekend was pretty good... Started out friday about 6 pm darren came home and dragged me to victory honda in Livonia. There we were going to inquire about the new honda s2000 since that was what he was interested in buying since I told him last week that we needed another car if he wanted me to come home and work here. Well the girl who helped us lets say was very persuasive because at roughly about ten pm we were driving our new s2000 home. Saturday morning... I got up made breakfast and started out for New York. We drove the new car. Even though we were told that we probably shouldnt take it for insurance reasons. I finally met darrens brother. Hes really nice.. When we got to Rochester which I love it there. we went to this chinese restaurant where Hang works. We got special treatment by the chef because he cooked us Peking duck and some shrimp dish that was just excellent... well the shrimp was.. Im not a big duck fan. We bought a laptop from the chef guy thats why we went down there.. darrens brother gave us an amp for a surround sound system which we have one of those also but to store for him I guess and gave us home telephones and a VCR which is great because I have alot of VHS movies. We drove back home on Sunday. It was really crappy because the weather. I wouldnt mind living in New York though. Not the city but the country its gorgous . I was just really happy to be able to finally meet darrens brother. I want him to come here.. He seems lonely or depressed hes probably not but just seems like it and darren could really help him out. Get him a good job and everything. Although I am sad because I cant drive the s2k I still got the audi a4 sport that is mine to drive :)
current mood:  determined
current music: a stupid commercial about charter pipeline
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Tuesday, July 22nd, 2003
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11:53 pm - Problems
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car problems... But I will tell you about it tomorrow because now I have to go
current mood:  annoyed
current music: darhma and greg
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12:03 pm - TOday
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Today is going well.. so far... I slept till 10 30... My dad woke me up and was telling me about a job... Working for nextel in hastings..I don't know we will see what happens. Well I will right later I have a lot of things to do.
current mood:  bouncy
current music: the news.... Im always watching the news
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Monday, July 21st, 2003
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5:01 pm - A poem of fond memories
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When you hold me, you gave me warmth
When you whispered to me, you gave me comfort.
When you kissed my lips, I felt loved.
Whenever, you are not around me,
I imagine how you close your eyes and how you hold me.
Whenever I picture you in my mind,
I think about you resting your head on me,
your gentle touches on my body,
your fragance surrounding me.
This isn't a dream.
It is real,
And I love every bit of it.
I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART,
Darren
He wrote me this poem along time ago. god it must have been like over a year. This is how he used to be. He used to be so sweet. He drove two hours to deliever a dozen red roses one night. On the card he wrote I love you. That is the first time my parents have ever seen him say that to me in any way. That meant alot to me. That he could express his love infront of people for me. He doesnt do this anymore. That is why I am sad.
current mood:  crushed
current music: The rain.. Even though I am inside... I am drenched
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10:52 am - Depression is kicking in.
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I don't like this feeling. That's all there is to it. My best friend justin went away to silver lake for the week and I feel like I have nobody. It sucks. Alot of my friends dont like me anymore. When I had moved in with darren I had ditched them. They didnt like the idea. I didn't listen to them. I should have. They were right. Im not sure what Im going to do. When me and darren had split up over fourth of july weekend. I was so depressed. I did nothing for two straight days except lay on the couch. I had never ever considered suicide. Untill that happenned. But I know I would never do it. Because no matter how sad I get I still can control myself and I dont want to die. I always have hope that things will get better. I asked justin last week if he had a crush on me. I dont know why I asked him that. Probably because I have a little crush on him. I dont even know why I have a crush on him.. He's totally not my type of guy. Maybe Im looking for security and I could find it in him. That's what I hate about being with people. I depend soly on them and I hate that. I like my independance and my freedom and my privacy.
current mood:  uncomfortable
current music: my dog barking.
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Sunday, July 20th, 2003
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10:21 pm - My weekend
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It royally sucked... Well not all of it... Darren picked me up on friday around 7 30 pm... We went to applebees so he could eat. after he told me I only liked him for his money I decided I wasnt going to let him pay for anything else so I didnt eat. We were waiting for a table and we were sitting outside on the bench and he said something and at first I didnt understand him so I said what? and he mumbled... I miss you... and joking around I said "WHAT?" and he said it again but then caught on. This weekend though he didnt act like he missed me as soon as we got home he kinda ignored me but I let it pass because he was really tired... so we went to bed.. Then I woke up saturday morning to a warm body wrapped around me.. I was thinking this is nice I havent felt this in a long time. He layed there and hugged me. He had been up for a couple hours watching formula one. He was laying there huggin me and talking to me and it was good untill my leg brushed against something hard. And I was like what is this.. and he said.. "I'm horny" and pouted." I hadnt gotten any in a while so I was game.. but afterwards he went right back to ignoring me. I felt so stupid. I should have seen it. The rest of saturday we fought and then some today.. when I left I was trying to get him to chill out and spend some time with me and he acted like it was torcher. He thinks that when we do stuff like clean the house together.. that that is spending time.
current mood:  awake
current music: The news
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Friday, July 18th, 2003
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6:53 pm - Brighton
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Darren is on his way to pick me up... Im feeling nervous... memories run through my head of when we first met. I used to wait for him in my room to get here and I would call him and call him trying to figure out where he was... he would tease me and not tell me.. Or he would tell me he's stuck in traffic when he was really ony ten minutes away. I would get so nervous. I would watch out my window for him and when I would see his little black car I almost had an anxaity attack. Somehow I know this time will be differant even though I wish it wasnt... We will both feel awkward. There is still alot of tension but I am determined to work through this.. The only thing I am afraid of is putting in the effort and not getting anything out of it. I hate to fail. Ill write again when I am back on sunday.
current mood:  anxious
current music: The news...Kobe Bryant is INNOCENT
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11:25 am - Last night
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I felt an incredible hurt last night. One bigger than any I have ever felt. I called darren back. He obviously missed me. We had nothing to talk about and we were both gettting frustrated at that. We both wanted to talk to each other but there was just so much pressure. He suggested that we go back and start all over. How do you do something like that? Its said, and done, you cant just go back and erase everything. He told me he was going to let me go and I said to hold on. Then I told him.... I loved him. I can't lie here... I did expect something back. But I do understand. IF he doesnt want to say it back, but I will be hurt. And I was... because he didnt say anything. And I got angry but not with him. I hung up and started to cry. He had told me he loved me from day one before we even started dating.. Just when we first met he told me he loved me. Of course at that time I was like your dumb because you don't know me. But now I do love him... and sometimes I feel like he never really loved me or he doesnt know what love is. TO me... Love is.... when you are thinking about someone all day long and all you want to do is be with that person all day long. Love is where you would do anything for that person. Love is not easily forgotten... and it has only been three weeks since we split. I still love him but does he still love me? Did he ever love me? I question this now..
current mood:  indescribable
current music: The fan.... its kinda warm
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Thursday, July 17th, 2003
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12:11 am - The Answer
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So my brother called me after I got off the internet from making my last entry... he wanted to talk to me... I asked him if I was in trouble and he said no... I was like ok I will be home just stop by... and he did.
Well we talked for like two hours about his problems with his girlfriend biz.... He had mentioned something to me about how he thought she only liked him for his money but I had to explain the fact that that wasnt true because he doesnt have any! Well When we got done talking I was thinking about what he said and a light bulb came on... Now darren makes quite a bit of money he is an engineer .... What if darren felt the same way... thought I only liked him for his money? So I called and called and called but he was busy because he wasnt answering his office phone.... So when he got home he called and I was talking to him and I asked.... "do you think I only like or I am only with you for your money?" He said... "sometimes" I asked when? He replied... " When you ask me for money" I was blown away... I asked him " so when I tell you I love you and I care about you, do you believe me?" He replied..."sometimes..." I couldnt believe it... I had put two years into this relationship and I have sacrificed everything to be with him... My friends... My family... My morals... Everything that mattered to me before I had met him I gave up to be with him and he still doesnt believe that I love him... How am I supposed to change that... How do I get him to believe that I don't care about the money.. I never will
current mood:  blank
current music: shanghi nights
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Wednesday, July 16th, 2003
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11:44 am - Ok... I need help
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I'm so confused about things. I dont know what I want to do. Darren and I, well are relationship is pretty much kicked to the curb. I mean I gave him the ultimatum that he either Break up with me for good and I will move on or he get back together with me and work things out. And he said he wanted to work things out but Lately I just dont get how he is trying to work things out. I call him and he answers the phone saying WHAT! well WHAT THE FUCK! He always complains how he has nothing to talk about and makes me feel like I'm always bothering him. That is only one issue. So on this topic. What should I do about darren? If you need to know more than post and I will reply and give you more details......
Topic 2: I fucked up big time with school my sophmore year. I guess you could say I dropped out unwillingly. I wanted to do homeschool because I hated school but I never finished it. well this year is my last year supposedly last year should have been though. Both my brothers graduated from state tech which is kind of like an alternative ed except you actually get your diploma. My brother owed three and a half credits and he graduated in three days. I'm just scared that Its not going to work that way for me. What do I do? should I go back for another year or try this new thing?
Topic 3: As you can tell from my last post. I think Sarah is a lazy piece of shit who is taking advantage of my parents. What the fuck? she needs to be paid to do something around the house especially when she lives there rent free, eats everyone elses groceries and sleeps in my fucking room. here I am I might need a place to stay and there is no place for me to stay because my brothers girlfriend lives in my room? Is that fucked up or what? Or am I just fucking nuts? I dont know you telll me
Topic 4: So I dont know if I should get a job because I dont know how long I am going to stay down here. But I need to do something so I dont go fucking nuts? I have all this anger inside of me and maybe its because I havent had a cigerattte because I cant buy any because my parents have drained me out of 300 dollars last week which 200 was supposed to fix my car and then my timing gear when out so now I have no car and no money... I hate my family!
current mood: uncomfortable
current music: silence
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11:15 am - AHHHHHHHHHH
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Yea so i woke up this morning and I found a note on the kitchen table. Of course it wasnt addressed to me but I still read it. It was to Sarah my brothers girlfriend. It said.. "Sarah, if you want to do laundry and keep track of how many hours it takes you I will pay you for it." signed my mom. Now... I dont know how it is in everyone elses family but in my family if you live under this roof and you eat the food out of the refrigerator you owe my parents. That's how it was always thought and we never got paid allowance or anything for chores. You just did them because you lived there. Well I think thats kind of bullshit that my mom is going to pay some girl who isnt a part of my family by the hour to do the laundry because sarah wont do anything unless you say you will pay her.
current mood:  aggravated
current music: Ricki Lake
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Monday, July 14th, 2003
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9:53 pm - Priceless
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Two front Lower control arms~ 95$
Two brake rotors~40$
One motor mount~60$
One belt~12$
One timing chain~40$
One piece of shit car~600$
Getting fucked over by a good friend because they said they fixed all of these things before you bought the car~ Priceless
fuck you Crystal
current mood:  bitchy
current music: the fan because its hott as hell!
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Monday, July 7th, 2003
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11:39 am - I wish... I wish...
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I wish I had a good car.. I wish I had a good job... I wish it wouldnt storm so I could start driving home... I wish he would tell me hes sorry... I wish i could support myself. I wish that my parents would have never let my brothers girlfriend take over my old room. I wish that I could go home for good if I needed too. I wish i had friends here in brighton... I need some because im so bored. I wish that I was thinner.. I wish that I was smarter.. I wish that I was prettier. I wish that I was more religious... these are my goals.. well some of them and some I just cant control.
current mood:  hopeful
current music: judge hatchet lol
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9:45 am - Tired.... Yet... excited and scared.
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Today I go home. I am going to drive my car 91miles on the highway with two very very bad lower control arms and hope and pray that they wheels on the car do not fall off. I need to find my phone charger I cant find it and im going to need it charged before I go home. UGH! I wanted to leave right away but now I can't. Well anyways... I guess I should go. have fun guys.. I will write at the end of every week. To keep you up to date one whats going on.
current mood:  confused
current music: none... except the buzzing in my head
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Sunday, July 6th, 2003
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4:51 pm - Home sweet home
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He just came home.. I'm thinking I am going to give him his space and as soon as I do leave him alone for good hes going to whine and say im mad at him. I don't know what to do because I really don't want to put up with that. I really just need to play the sims. I miss that game
current mood:  drained
current music: Mtv
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3:10 pm - Shallow
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Ok.. so Im online and im talking to people who message me and after the first sentence they all have something in common. They all want to know how hott I am. What the hell? Are they that desperate to find someone that they have to resort to the internet where they can hide behind their computer screen and act like they are the best looking thing to walk the earth. I could be some fatass 64 yr old grandma and missing the majority of my teeth and be telling them oh yea im 18 blonde and beautiful big boy! So for all you creeps out there go to hell. And never ever ask me again how HOTT I AM!
current mood: bitchy
current music: real world, far from real
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1:29 pm - Decision
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I think I've made up my mind about what I am going to do. I think I am going to stay here. It will be hard but I want to keep this job interview even though its only meijers I still need money and I need to give him space. I think maybe I will stay in the basement. I hate the basement its kinda creepy and the bathroom downstairs looks like something out of a horror movie. The walls and ceiling is covered in mirrors and the tub is over 150 years old. But I will make the best of it. I just dont want my family to know that me and him are having problems. I just told him my decision I hope hes not dissappointed.. all he said was ok. I dont want to bother him because hes at work right now even though its a sunday. He told me he wanted a break because work is his most important priority and It seems that im on the bottom. How could that have happened. he is the one who pursued me. But I made all the sacrifices to make him happy. because I fell for him. So how do I stop falling?
current mood: confused
current music: road rules
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