||Happy. Confused. Guilty.
||A New Found Glory.
I find myself yet again sitting at my computer longing for the things I must get to done to already be finished so I could just lay on my couch. So I could just lay there. That would really be comforting to know I am wasting my life, not the activities I am doing are. I wonder if being so busy will really help me in the end. Will it really matter on my resume whether or not I did four years of field hockey and in college I don't plan on doing any sports? "Wow, shes well-rounded", and so is the next girl. Im not finding any comfort or excitement in the stress that comes along with it either. Whatever. It's not like I have a choice now to change anything, and not disappoint other people. I am fine. I just really cannot wait until november when I finally get to have a semi-steady income and depart from my parents wings even more than I already have. I definitely know I'm not independent yet...I just have the bitchy, opinionated, independent personality going for me. Someday I willl provide for myself, and other people. Until then, I still definitely know the fact that I may be an individual, but i am a naive son of a bitch - you know, only female.
Field Hockey and Marching Band are alright. They seem very similar though. Both are great. The band has awesome music and potentially good people, and the talent of my field hockey team is incredible. It's just both have the same problem of thinking they are the ultimate and not having enough endurance to pull through. That ultimately makes us look like tired cocky losers, which we are. And it's so different for me, because I am standing in the goal cage looking at everything thats happening, or I am the girl that was asked to be in band to make the section better(I don't have much connection to band). I have this "stand back and look at the whole picture" attitude about both activities. It gives me a really good sense of how things are going to turn out. I have known whats going to happen. Its just like the story is already written in my mind for me. I just have to live it, live the moments day by day, minute by minute. I have to deal with that. I am concerned with my future because I know what I am going to do. I definitely know that. I just really have to get used to not knowing what is going to happen with everything. Field hockey and Band aren't everything. They aren't the people around me. They are just the things I do, and by the feeelings I have I guess how things are going to turn out. I may be right most of the time, but hey, its just intuition working my way. I don't really think its too late for me to understand I can't guess at everything. I just got to get used to not trust my perception all the time to create my opinions. I just need to use the brian given to me and think. Think, think, think.
I also feel like I should go to the doctors soon for some reason. It seems very necessary. An eye check up would just make me very happy. Just because I know it was check up by a profesional. Yeah.
Things with Dave are still a bit weird, but I think eventually it/he will be better. I just have to explain myself, and holy shit will it hurt him but what can I do? The thruth is better than lying. So much more, but its better for the out come, not the initial emotion attached. Thats what scares me. I just wish friendship came so much easier this time around with us. Feeling this way cannot get me anywhere if I don't talk it out with him right? Really. Communication makes me so happy. It's just the ultimate form of affection forme. When people tell me things I just feel really loved, you know, but in a certain way. Differently. So thanks. I am praying that this won't be difficult. Attraction is a crazy mo fo. Crazy. It's hard to be friends when you just want to touch people. Lol, that sounds so effing wrong, but whateva! I know what I mean, and I'm sure other people do as well.
I also miss seeing Ben. Went mini golfing I think last sunday with the group de youth. (?) I am such a loser. That's all I have say on that subject. But power to him for finding someone he likes too. We both sort of just separated during the last few months of school and during summer, and now we are talking again...just weird, but its seems to be working alright. I still feel the same way about him though. Thats why its weird. Only time knows about this one.
I must go clean my room now seeing as though I got a new dresser. I have to start/finish painting the tree and crackling the cove. This means Jenn time which makes me happy so I want to do it soon. I am glad I finally updated. It's beens a while, and this is very comforting. Bleh, homework to do too. Peace.