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(2 Believe what they see | Believe in me?)

Misty: Secrets (If you can make it past the boring shit) [27 Jan 2004|02:48am]
[ mood | Utterly Lost ]

Where to begin. I could ramble inanely about what I did today. In fact. Let me start with that.

This morning, I came home from work and got about three or four hours of sleep. Then James woke me up and we went to deposit our checks. We then proceeded to eat lunch at Taco Bell. After that we went to the book store where I picked up some books. I bought Philip Pullman's trilogy: His Dark Materials. The Queen of the Damned, and The Vampire Armand.

I'm not a huge fan of Anne Rice but I do want to finish the series because the story is captivating. Her writing style doesn't really suit me, but her stories are very good.

After buying books I ended up grocery shopping. We ended up spending barely any money which shocked us both to some degree I think. After that we went to Kinkos and I checked out the Vitamin Shoppe where I bought some soy meal replacement without any aspertame (Who knows about my allergy to that crap?). And some all natural dandruff shampoo. After that I ended up going home.

Once at home I called Jay and we went to the mall so I could get some shopping done. I want to change my style entirely. Clothes. Hair. Just, everything. I'm tired of looking fucking grungy and frumpy. It's just... not my thing. I want to look a bit more grown up. A bit more.. attractive I guess.

Oh my god. I think I'm leaning toward looking a little more feminine. Weird.

I bought some pants at Lane Bryant. Found a pair of super badass grey/white pinstripe pants on the clearance rack for like ten bucks. Normally forty-five. Talk about luck. I've been wanting a pair for like a year or so.

Once I pay back Lex and Jay. And pay rent I'll still have enough for some new clothes hopefully. I want to buy some more pants and nice looking shirts and stuff.

Also, some hair dye. I'm going solid black again. My hair is normally near black but brown highlights are starting to creep in and I might as well get rid of them.

While at the book store I grabbed an application by the way. Turning it in tomorrow while I go shopping.

Alright. So there is part one. My boring day. Yay.

Now, for the meaty part of all of this. The good stuff. Not really, but.

I realized recently that Lex and I are growing in different directions to some degree. I've begun to feel lately that I really don't know him anymore. He doesn't talk, he's grown too quiet and he never has anything interesting to say. I still love him, don't get me wrong. But it's confusing.

I've been trying to plan this 12 week trip to Nepal to do voulenteer work next year. I know he doesn't really want me to go. I sort of to some degree feel like he's holding me back from doing incredible things. Maybe that sounds cruel. But I'm not entirely sure what to think.

I talked to him about this for awhile. And he listened. I mean, really listened. And then I broke down. Something inside of me just broke open and I cried. For awhile. I cried about Sam though. I cried about my mom.

I haven't been able to cry for Sam in awhile. It's always this ache though, and it's always there in the back of my mind. Waiting to come out in a moment of weakness. And it came out.

I haven't ever really cried for my mom. Not until now. I really came to understand just how sick she really is now. Her doctors explained to my family that she would be in and out of the hospital with Congestive Heart Failure over and over. And eventually she wouldn't come out of the hospital. So. It'll kill her.

I mean, for two years I've known that she's dying. But until now I never knew how close it might be. Sure, she might live ten more years. However, this is a very unlikely thing. I still haven't heard a time period. Her health was so good for awhile. She went to the gym and worked out. We spent time together nearly every day.

I love her. And I realized that. And she's dying. And I feel like I'm going through it all over again. My grandmother died back in 1998 or was it 99? Sometimes I can't remember the year. I don't remember much from that time in my life.

She died this slow painful death. I watched her die for roughly three years. And I've been watching my mom slowly waste away for about seven. And I never realized it. Until now. I mean yeah. I knew she was dying.

But I never KNEW.

And I cried. I cried like a child. I haven't cried like this since just after Sam died. I lost it. Totally. I couldn't even breathe. And I told Lex that I feel like people have always left me behind. Like everyone in some since left me behind. Abandoned me. Left me before I was ready.

And I know that sounds childish and very selfish. I won't deny that. But I've always had these terrible abandonment issues. My Dad. My Mom. William. James. My Grandmother. Ronnie. Forest. Dani. Sam.

I've always felt that I was abandoned. Wether it was a case of moving, growing up, moving on, or dying. And yes, that is selfish. And terrible. People have to grow up. They have to move on. They have to die. They can't help but follow where their roads take them.

Maybe I'm jealous. Because my road feels so much rougher. Maybe I just feel that my path isn't going any fucking place at all. I'm tired of all of this change around me. And I'm NOT changing at all.

And Lex said that change is only bad when you don't allow it to happen. And that hit me. That's just it. I won't let change occur. I've been too afraid.

When I cried I told Lex terrible things. Like at times I feel like I'm the only one who grieves for him. I feel like I'm the only person who cries bitterly, or stares at a picture and wonders if somehow I lost my one chance at a soulmate. That sounds stupid. He loved Jessica. He wanted to Save her.

But, at times. I just wondered. He made me angry. He made me feel things that no one else ever has. At times, when he believed in me. I believed in me. When he told me things, I believed them. When he said "this movie will be the best movie ever." he was almost never wrong.

He knew me better I think than even Lex might. Sam knew my mind. He knew the inner workings. The things to say to inflame me and make me rage. The things that would bring me to tears. The things that would make me really listen. He knew just what to say and do. Always.

I loved him. More than I think anyone ever knew or realized. Even Lex. At times, I think Sam was the person I loved most. At times even more than Lex. Don't get me wrong. I love Lex. I love him bitterly. But I think Sam and I could have been great together.

But somehow. I'm glad that never happened. I'm glad because I couldn't have handled losing him if he had been mine. I would have walked into the ocean that day and drowned myself.

Even when we were angry, we were still I think, the best of friends.

I really don't think anyone has touched my life like he did.

And I told Lex that I thought maybe everyone else was over his death. And I was the only one who still lost it in my weakest moments. I feel as if I am the only person in the world who grieves him. Like I'm the only person who cares anymore.


I know that can't be true. I know that Casey still grieves. I know Sarah does. I know Anne does. I know John does. I think Angela might, sometimes, when she wakes in the nights from a dream. I know Jessica grieves. Perhaps more than even I. Or all of us combined.

And yet, I think I'm the only one who hurts and cries and misses him.

That is arrogance and stupidity on my part. It proves how selfish and terrible I am.

I just wish I could stop hurting like this. I hurt so bad for him. And it won't stop. I think about him all the time. I think about him when someone says something funny. When I see a preview, hear a song, read a comic. Anything. Any-fucking-thing. It all brings back his memory.

His dark eyes. His hair. His skin. His smile. That beautiful smile. His mouth was wonderful. It was mischivious. Amazed. Disgusted. A million things. I saw them all on his lips. Thoughfulness, anger, love. Name it. I saw it there.

He had expressive lips. I don't know if anyone else ever noticed them. But I did. I loved his lips. I loved kissing him. His kisses were incredible.

He was a fucking passionate romantic. Kissing was fine with him. But nothing more, he loved Jessica too much. And I understood totally. I don't think I wanted more from him, sexually anyway. I think I just want to kiss him.

I wanted to kiss him the last night at the beach house. He'd hugged me from behind and rested his head on my shoulder. At times I don't know what Sam really was to me.

Best friend. Worst Enemy. Big Brother. Confidant. Lover. Secret holder. Co-writer. Soulmate.

I don't know. My aunt always loved him. She thought he and I sort of looked alike. We always wore black. We both had hair in a similar shade. Same dark expressive eyes. Expressive lips. Full lips. Similar skin tone. We were similar. We could have passed for siblings I think, had I been skinnier.

And you know what makes me feel even more terrible? I wanted that cross that he was burried with. It wasn't mine. It was never meant to be mine. Ever. But I lusted to have it. Because it meant something to him. He was born wearing slayer. The dragon cross went to someone, and the other cross went to someone else. But he was buried wearing slayer around his neck.

He named his fucking crosses. I found a place online that sold slayer. I couldn't bring myself to order it. It's not the same to me. He never touched it. Never wore it around his neck. Never believed in it.

He touched slayer. He wore slayer. He believed in slayer.

I wanted that cross. I wanted to have it etched into my skin. Burned into me. I wanted it to become a part of me. I wanted to touch it. Wear it. Believe in it. But I wasn't meant to. It was never mine. Sam wouldn't want me wearing something that he believed so strongly in, mainly because I didn't believe in those things.

I think this really proves how stupid and petty I am. The person I love most dies and I want his god damned cross. I have one thing he gave me. And as long as I live it won't leave my posession. He gave me this little pinkish messanger bad years ago. A camera bag from his parent's studio. And I can't ever give it up. Doesn't matter if I use it or not.

I think I just want to remember him. I just want to remember him as long as I live. I want everyone to. I want to honor him in some fucking permanate way. And I just don't know how to do it.

I feel like I'm dying just a little everyday. Winter always does this to me. It hurts me. Makes me worse.

And frankly. I just don't know what to do. I write, I read, I buy shit I don't really need. I seek things to make me feel whole again. And nothing works. I don't feel whole anymore. Feeling whole and feeling content are different. A person can be whole and not content. And a person can be not whole and still content.

When Sam was alive I felt so fucking alive. Even if I wasn't content. Now I don't feel whole. I feel like a part of me was drowned with him.

I should get some therapy for this. Lex promised he'd help me get through this. Gods though. I hurt.

These are my most dark and terrible secrets. And if you can still respect me or love me after you read them. Thank you. If not. I can understand.

I'm just a petty, insane, and miserable wretch.

(Believe in me?)

Now, If only... [23 Jan 2004|03:36am]
[ mood | exhausted ]

Corin and Captain Lee will get the fuck out of my head. God damned characters.

The rain came down on Saturday
Like any other day
But with sunday come
The rains had gone
And left nothing in their place
There was no blue, nor grey, nor white
Nor birds with cheery songs
Nor twilight or sunrise
Nor middday, nor midnight
Not a single star left that shone

All the church bells lay broken
Firmament torn wide open
Flame in your mouth screaming to the sky
Hands held out, wild look in your eyes
And you sang:

Corin, Corin can you hear the broken bells?
Can you see the empty space
That lies above our heads?
My ship sank down far below
On a day so long ago
On a day vaguely like today
But back then the stars still shone
A thousand lights to guide us home
But here we are now alone

Can't you see the stars have gone away
Gone like Saturday pleasant rain?
I lost my compass somewhere along the way
I don't remember the place or the day
All I remember is that I was calling out to you.

Oh, Corin forgive me
I have failed everyone.
I can't explain now
But this is all my fault.

Yesterday's rain
The stars that fell today
The torn open firmament
The fact that you can't see my wings.

Forgive me, forgive me
Forsake me and sing
Corin, my Corin
For you I'll do anything

Curse the revolution
Curse the eyes that are blind
Curse the billion stars in heaven
Because I forced them not to shine.

I'll search beyond the realm of the sea
In the darkness of the deep
Until I find one last shining thing.

I'll post the other two poems about them soon enough. Just wish they'd get out of my head and let me write other stuff.

(1 Believe what they see | Believe in me?)

A massive fucking update. [21 Jan 2004|10:30pm]
[ mood | Crestfallen ]
[ music | The Sun Seven Times - Sunburnt ]

Alright. Let me finally give that huge ass update that I was promising awhile back.


More or less once I had fully recovered from pneumonia I got a few presents and went shopping on Christmas Eve for my mom's present. She didn't much like what I got her, and she wanted to borrow some money, which I didn't have. Over all most of my presents sucked. I got a lot of useless shit that I didn't need and or want. Although my sweaters were nice, and so were my socks. Also, the Coldplay cd Lex gave me was cool. He also gave me Godiva chocolates.

I got to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas day with him. We went to dinner Christmas night and then he dropped me at home. For the next week or so I was bored shitless and I read a lot. I was very poor during this time so I didn't get to do a lot at all.

New Years:
I was off work. Fucking miracle. The club actually closes on new years. Good thing too, I don't want to put up with fucking stupid members. Anyway. I made it out to Arlington via Skippy who went out to the ORAC club party. Anne, John, Shawn, Lex and I spent New Years together reading tarot, making stupid predictions, and we also had sushi. The sushi was fucking terrible and I'll never eat it at Nagoya again.

Shawn left at midnight and we sat around talking about the year and how much it sucked. I was up all night but Lex got up and made me find him food. Or at least, that's what I think happened. Anyway, we watched I <3 the 80's on VH1 and that was fun. Pretty funny too.

At some point I fell asleep and people went to the mall while I slept. Thank god. Late that night I got a ride home from Nick. Shocking eh?


Got a tattoo awhile back, already mentioned that. Jay and I have been spending a lot of time together as of late. We are both incredibly bored and lonely, and so, we spend quite a bit of time doing art and sitting about bitching about the state of the world.

We are working on a project for A-kon, we need John's help though, need to get in touch with him.

I've been sort of melancholy lately. I'm unhappy with my job and the state of things in general. I despise people more than ever for being fucking terrible and apathetic.

I'm very confused about what I want out of life. At least I've been stable in some ways lately. I feel like the last two years of my life is one huge dream. And it feels very far away. I sort of feel like I woke up and that some dreams don't matter at all anymore.

He's all but disappeared and sometimes I still hear traces of his voice. And sometimes others. But that doesn't matter. It was all a dream. It had to be. There is no other explanation. I'm not going to trust in dreams any longer. They fade. Illusions never change into something real.

I think Lex will know what I'm talking about. And I know he'll feel the exact opposite.

Anyway. That's all I feel like I can write currently. Until next time.

(5 Believe what they see | Believe in me?)

Super short update. My other was eaten. [11 Jan 2004|08:02am]
[ mood | exhausted ]

Lex and I got Tattoos. I'm working on comic stuff. I'll email artist Sarah later. Much Love. Better update coming soon.


(3 Believe what they see | Believe in me?)

Hospitals and Medicine suck. [15 Dec 2003|12:02am]
[ mood | Unhappy ]

Oh yes they do.

Went to the hospital Sat. Missed work Friday, Sat, and tonight. Have Pneumonia. Had to pay for 120 dollar medecine. Half of it actually. Lex paid for the other half. But...fuck, there go christmas presents.

Things move slowly this time of year.


(Believe in me?)

Website info [04 Dec 2003|02:28am]
Just in case you didn't read my last post...

I own www.morally-bankrupt.com it's not finished and is under extreme construction, but please visit anyway, and when I get a guest map up, sign it!

(2 Believe what they see | Believe in me?)

It's been a long December.. [04 Dec 2003|01:49am]
[ mood | Fucking Exhausted ]
[ music | Song of the Siren - Paul Oakenfold Remix ]

And there is reason to believe, that maybe this year will be better than the last. I keep trying to tell myself to hold on to these moments as they pass...

Yeah. It's that time of year again. The weight of the year is settling down on me and making me exhauted. Work, eat, sleep, shower, read. Work eat sleep shower read. Throw wash dishes and lay around on that list and that just about describes current events.

Thought I was pregnant. I'm not. So, I'm going to a doctor, I've been having a bit of pain in my umm. what, lower abdomin? Down where ovaries and crap are. WHAT IS THAT AREA CALLED? And so, yeah, I'm gonna go see a doctor.

I won't lie. I am worried. Scared? Not so much, just worried.

Awhile back I went to a ren festival, it was fun. Thanksgiving was.. alright. I never made it to Arlington. But I went to Stephanie's house instead. It was nice really. Still not writing. Still putting the computer off. Bought a double cd. Paul Oakenfold. No complaints. Bought lots of books. Read constantly.


Wish I could write, it escapes me. Winter always does this to me. I ache. Lay in bed. Sleep. Cry. I hate winter. It's a terrible time of the year. Everything dies except for me. It's funny really. When spring comes I don't feel rebirth. I'm not a tree, or a flower, or any such thing.

I'm just me. And I'm a pathetic little worried angsty fuck. What if I have to have surgery? What if my ovaries have tumors or..god knows what else. I just feel... like I've had to deal with so much BULLSHIT this year. Too much. I'm exhausted. The weight has settled, and it hurts.

Christmas is going to be strange. No presents most likely for many people. The doctors visit may cost a lot. So may whatever tests they do. This is a really shitty way to end the year.

On the up side. One thing is now in motion. I own www.morally-bankrupt.com. It's up and running. Go glance it over. No, it's not done yet. I'm just using some images and stuff for now, until I can get an entire layout for the thing. And until the splash art is done.

I feel closer to my mom than ever. I see her nearly every day. I love her and I'm glad she's getting to know me. I sort of like where I live. No one bothers me. Or upsets me. Gwen is insane (My other aunt, the one I used to live with long ago), she acts even more crazy than usual at this time of the year though.

Jade gave me greatest roleplay ever. I love her. I think Megan is a filthy bitch who should leave the name "Kai" out of things. I hope she rots in hell for making other people miserable. <3 Jade. Feel better love.

Lex and I are more in love than ever I think. It's strange. I miss him like crazy all of the time. I hope I see him this weekend. Maybe I'll get to protest the protestors with Anne and Shawn. That'll be fun. Some crazy church is protesting at their school about some gay alliance or something. Who knows...

<3 Anne. I miss you and John. Hope I get to see you soon. Maybe friday. We'll see.

I guess this is what happens when I don't update for a long time.. I rant and rave. I should update more often.

(4 Believe what they see | Believe in me?)

OMG I UPDATED [21 Nov 2003|01:08am]
Uneventful week. Nothing to really say other than that I'm alive. Wondering where the hell Jade and Louise are currently. I want to purei damnit.

That is all.

(1 Believe what they see | Believe in me?)

Hospital, Clothes, and Eric's Apartment? [12 Nov 2003|03:48am]
[ mood | Sore and Exhausted ]

Today was pleasant. Truly. I went out with my mom and my friend Stephanie to have lunch. We had Mexican food and talked for a bit. After that I resumed shopping and went with my mom to get her chest X-ray. I bought a pair of shorts and a pair of wide leg black pants. Then, I came home after going to see my aunt, whome I ended up having dinner with (as it was much later then).

So, I get home and call Jay to ask for some advice, and he says he's going to Kitty Kris's house. I join him and we sat around and watched Mini Goddesses. His cat jumped in my lap and loved me and gave me kitty kisses, and suddenly, I'm itching all over. Like crazy. For like, an hour. So, I figure it's a cat allergy.

I went about and ate my soy meal replacement bar and drank some water. And I started feeling worse at some point. In the car ride home I started feeling sore. Muscle pain. Was itching worse. I felt sort of disconnected and warm. I ask Jay and Kris to stay with me. I'm glad I did. I started feeling nasty and really sore all over and I called Eric and James up at work. They said to call the hospital and see what they though. Eric told me that as long as my breathing was alright I'd be okay.

When I let him go, my mouth went fucking dry. Throat constricted. Started having slight breathing problems. Needless to say, called back, Eric met me at the hospital. By the time the hospital people got ready to take me back most of my problems faded. I left with Eric and hung out at his apartment for like four hours, to ensure that I wasn't going to have another problem.

It seems that my soy meal replacement shakes and my soy meal replacement bars contain Aspertame. I knew this. I didn't expect it to effect me badly, since within reason aspertame has never gotten to me. I guess I consumed a bit too much recently. Allergic reactions suck ass. This is why, boys and girls, you never knowingly consume something that you are allergic to. Even in small ammounts.

This was by far the worst reaction I have ever had. Other than to Morphine that is. And even that is questionable.

Oi. I need some rest. My body hurts and stuff. Will shower in morning.

Now I'm sore and tired. Still vaguely itchy but I can breathe and stuff.

(Believe in me?)

Happy Payday to Me! [11 Nov 2003|07:04am]
[ mood | Vaguely amused ]

Payday was yesterday. Payday was good. OHHHYES. 427 bucks. I was so so so so so so so happy. Lemme post this here so I know exactly where and how I spent my money.

100 for rent.
50 for groceries.
5 for lunch
60 for shoes, sweater, and tea.
13 (roughly) at the comic shop.
10 (roughly) at the book store.

Alright. Not bad at all really.

I still have money left for TRF, more comics, and books. Also for lunch and gas money and anything else that might just scarily come my way.

Work is alright. Found out about the regional Christmas party. Need to find someone to work for me that night so I can watch my coworkers get drunk and sing kareoke.

Ordered shitloads of things at the comic shop. Put NYX, Demo, and Newtype on my subservice. Ordered 1602 and Runaways. I feel like a fucking dork.

At the bookstore I picked up some Anne McCaffrey. Can anyone tell that I'm becoming a sci-fantasy-comic-geek?

Hell. I was talking to Jay about doing costumes from a sci-fi book for CONDFW! We both wanna do Phule's Company uniforms because Robert Asprin will be there.

Honestly. Yeah. Not much has been happening. I've just been emerging myself in geekdom. Love me.

(2 Believe what they see | Believe in me?)

On books [04 Nov 2003|03:50am]
[ mood | tired ]

Finished Kushiel's Dart. Great fucking book. Picking up Kushiel's Chosen, Kushiel's Avatar, and a few other books. Quite possibly some Dragonlance. I'm getting into fantasy books. I really like them honestly.

I want to start collecting books. They are so beautiful. The scent of pages, the feel of them, the way they get creased on accident. Water stains, coffee stains, age stains. Books have character, they are nice to look at. And the stories they tell are even better.

End Rant on books.

Work has been alright, boring but alright. I've been reading and writing a shit load of stuff. With as much writing and research and reading and working I've been doing, I felt as if I've been working three jobs. Not that I truly mind. It keeps me busy and gives me very litttle time to dwell on upsetting things.

On the 15th I'm going to TRF (Texas Ren Fest) with Jen and Eric. It should be both fun and very amusing. Hopefully I'll get my costume done! I'm going as a peasant elf I think. Gotta pic up some elf ears, boots, and possibly pants. Tis going to be a lot of fun!!!!.

In other news, I'm getting a puppy! I like kittens more but my aunt isn't a cat person. She is gonna let me get a pup though, so long as I take care of him and his expenses. I'm also required to train him. I plan on teaching him lots of nifty things and hopefully even how to walk along side me on a leash. The dog I'm getting is going to be a smaller dog. Between 30 and 45 pounds. I'm thinking about getting one of those black belgium boat dogs. They are so pretty!

Anyway, I'll update soon.

(Believe in me?)

Too Damn Busy. [29 Oct 2003|11:20pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]

My job has been killing me. Sleepwise anyway. I've been reading shitloads of books. Hp5, Phule's Company, Abhorsen, Good Omens, and Kushiel's Dart. In three weeks at that. And I'm reading more. Doing Native American Mythology right now. And I plan on buying some more books as soon as I get paid again. Or I might borrow some from some friends.

Saw everyone last Saturday. That was nice. Eric hung with us. He fits in well.

Going to be hosting a Mid-winter Masque possibly. Not positive but I'll let everyone know ASAP. If it goes through I'll need to start getting things ready, including my costume and the final menu. Also, I'm headed to the last weekend of TRF with Jen. So, I'm excited about that.

My poor Check is gone. Bills, Food, Books. My next check. 260 of it is already estimated as gone. Hopefully it'll be a near 400 dollar check. We'll see.

Bills. Bills. Bills. They'll kill me. I still need to get my cell phone and help a friend pay off his ticket. I won't be getting my plane tickets until late. Most likely the same for my tattoo. I hope I can make PMX.

I feel like I'm working three jobs. I'll be going to days soon as well as nights most likely. On top of that I'm writing my ass off lately. My back is sore. My head hurts.

I'm tired but alright. Maybe some more rest would be good.

(4 Believe what they see | Believe in me?)

New Message Board for Friends Near and Far [21 Oct 2003|10:36pm]
[ mood | Happy Happy Joy Joy ]

Post you fuckers:


There is a book forum, a movie forum, an rpg forum, a plans forum, and of course, my favorite, an art forum for challenges and random art.

(Believe in me?)

Pudding-desu [21 Oct 2003|01:34am]
[ mood | Better ]

Today was better. I slept really well today. Woke up, had some food. Drank a diet coke. Sat around for awhile. I started writing last night. Not what I need to be writing (Cast off your wings...) but a story in Novel format. I think it's going to have a lot to do with Necromancy and Mages. Me writing fantasy. Who would have thought. I have to give Jade much thanks for inspiring me actually. Don't know what she did, but when she roleplayed with me recently she helped me create an idea for the world I wanted to set my story in. Granted, our story took place in older Japan.

A lot of things have been inspiring me lately, but I just haven't been writing until now. I feel better now that I've written a bit. I need to name the main characters of the story, specifically the mystery mage I have in my head. Jade, damn you. He looks JUST LIKE MINORU.

Onto another subject. Sarah D. Hope to catch you online soon, want to talk about COYW and see if you've done any new art. I really need to write some more and fix that one page and send you the new edited copy. I'm not sure if we'll make our ideal feb. sending date. But I think if I work like hell from now on each night while I have nothing to do, and you work on things too we can at least send it out by April.

In other news. I made sugar free low fat choco pudding today and it was good. I also ate chicken strips when I went out to dinner with my aunts. I love my aunts, they really spoil me a bit too much. I think they worry about me a lot.

One other piece of possible good news. Eric and I were talking about stuff last night and he suggested I save money and just go to a different country. Just to free myself. To show myself what I'm made of. I think it's a great idea. But then he said something else. He said "or you can stay here and be OM in a year.". Needless to say I was a bit shocked by his saying that.

When he leaves the club will be in need of an AOM. Renate doesn't have good enough sales. Maly is leaving most likely. James is leaving too soon I think. Jennifer has kids and doesn't want to be AOM because of the hard work and long hours. In other words. No one in the club will want to be AOM or won't have good enough sales to be AOM.

Also, this shows Eric has confidence in me. And Anna (Who makes the desicion) has confidence in Eric. So if Eric reccomends me for the position I can get it no problem most likely. So, technically, if Eric has confidence in me, Anna has confidence in me!

If I can get on part time days (With Eric around I think I can!) and my sales are good (Same) I can easily become the next AOM. That means more money and long hard work. Am I all for this? FUCK YES. If I do well as AOM I may just be an OM this time next year. They make crap loads of money and get one month paid vacation.

Needless to say, I could make quite a bit of money and get good job experience with this company.

Let's hope this works out well.

That's it for now, I'll update again soon.


I finished Abhorsen. The ending pissed me off. Great fucking trilogy but OMG IT PISSED ME OFF. I MEAN WTF? Garth Nix better write more eventually. I'll be calling you tomorrow about the Halloween party. Find out if John has a way to get you guys there. If so, ask John if he'll pick up Jeremy for the party. I'll be riding out with Jay most likely. I'll see you soon I hope. I miss you my babies.

(2 Believe what they see | Believe in me?)

Something to fill up the day. [16 Oct 2003|11:32pm]
[ mood | Something Vague ]

Just a random title for this entry.

I've had so much time on my hands lately. I can't find enough things to fill up the day. I'm lonely, not writing, vaguely depressed about things in general. I haven't been able to write, my heart isn't in it.

I work long hours, sleep long hours. I work, sleep, cook, eat, watch maybe an hour of television. Check mail. Read books. Sleep more. I haven't started my work out yet, but I plan on doing that soon. Next week when James has it written out for me.

I'm reading all these books I've already read. I need to finish HP 5 this weekend and start on the Sandman book I got awhile back.

I hope when I get money this aliviates some stress. I plan on buying a laptop asap. So, most likely by the beginning of next year I will have my own comp. And quite possibly my own internet service. I may get dsl and pay for it out of my own pocket. God. My bills will be terrible. At least I don't have rent. I'm sure I can afford it all. I just need to budget and get to writing. That seems to be my biggest problem.

When I need to write I dream about spiders a lot. They tend to represent unused creative energy. I feel like things have slowed down so much. Like they have nearly stopped. Life is flowing by really slowly in this house. It's quiet and peaceful. I feel safe here.

But I also feel lonely. I don't really have many people here. I did hang out with Jay recently, and that was really good. I just need to get out and find someone who I can carry on interesting conversations with. But, I just feel nervous about making new friends.

Lately I just have this sadness inside of me. And no matter what I do it doesn't go away. I read, watch tv, think, talk to my aunt, my cousin, take showers, read comics, sleep. Nothing works.

My thoughts go to Lex, Sam, my mother, my cat. And my heart gets heavy and I feel weak. Then I end up curled in bed, pretending that I'm tired so I don't have to talk.

And god damnit. I don't want to feel this way. I don't even want to talk to anyone about it. I know that no one wants to hear about it. Everyone is tired of hearing about it.

I don't want to burden anyone with my troubles. But I feel that I do.

This is going to be a terrible winter. Maybe once I write again and get fully settled it'll all pass. At least I hope so.

(Believe in me?)

Errrgg [14 Oct 2003|03:18am]
[ mood | generally confused ]

My first day off. I sleep from nine in the morning until five in the afternoon. I go back to bed at six. I wake up around ten, ask the time, fall back to sleep. Then I wake up to total darkness, find it's 2 in the morning, make food, come get online, and bam. It's three.

During five and six found out Jeremy lost his job. Haven't even spoken to him yet. Don't know what the fuck is going on. Left a message for him at his parents house. They are dicks so don't even know if they told him.


I hope Jeremy/Lex personlove is alright. I'm concerned about him. Damnit, all of you better be on tomorrow. I'll be on around ten if I'd not sleeping.

Movie note: Kill Bill was the best fucking movie ever.

(2 Believe what they see | Believe in me?)

I think, I love this world... [10 Oct 2003|07:42pm]
[ mood | Better ]

First off, before my initial post (This was originally a letter to a friend). I want to post my work scheduel for the weekend so people know what the hell is going on.

I work tonight from 10 pm until 7 am. Saturday from 9pm to 7am. And Sunday from 9pm to 7am.

I should be around more next week hopefully, now, here is that update.

I started my job last night. I've been vaguely depressed about things in general, but I'm hanging in there. Today was my worst day so far. At orientation for our job we were bombarded with pretty terrible news. New Hires as of October first are no longer eligible for health insurance for one full year. Needless to say, not only were all of us floored by this revelation. 24 Hour Fitness was as well.

Their human resources office is working as hard as possible to find alternatives for all of us, and they are terribly upset and afraid this new policy will turn people away from the company as it is a fitness company. Anisa (head of human resources for 24 Hour Fitness) was very upset by this, and she's taking the issue on as a personal battle. Also, she was very glad to hear what all of us had to say about it. And she did something very kind for me. She said she would call Steve Anderson (Head fitness manager at my club) and she would ask him to do everything possible to help me reach my fitness goals.

The coolest thing about this, Steve very well may take me on as a special case and give me either free or extremely cheap personal training. This is a very good thing.

Now, onto other random news. I met a very interesting person yesterday. He is my suprervisor actually. His name is Eric and he reads comics, watches anime, reads shit loads of books, and was homeless awhile back. More or less Eric left Michigan with nothing but what he could pack in his car. He's a very free spirit, who upon meeting I felt very connected to. He's very kind, very gentle, incredibly easy to talk to. He gave me a ride home last night after my shift and came in and just hung out with me for roughly two and a half hours.

He's a musician and plays pretty much all of the strings, he's a poet and philosopher in his own right. I'm fascinated by him. It's funny, I mentioned Sam in passing. Mentioned that one of my best friends had passed away and was part of why I moved (He asked why I moved, he's genuinely interested in people and their stories.). When I told him a friend passed away he didn't shrink away or go silent like most people do. Instead, he stepped right up to the plate and asked what happened.

He didn't say he was sorry either, nor did he try to comfort me like so many others have. I was THANKFUL for that. It's like he understood what not to say, so, he didn't say it. He just let me ramble for a moment and apologize for getting upset. And he just smiled and said it wasn't a problem.

Then he told me I reminded him of a dear friend of his. And oddly enough, her name too was Misty.

The other thing that strikes me about Eric is that he's a storyteller. Much like me. We hear these poems or lyrics or quotes or legends or myths, or just anything in passing that we think is beautiful or worthwhile. And then we end up telling others those things. We share them.

I've met a few people in my life who to me, shone like the brightest stars in the sky. They were something beautiful and fragile and rare in a world where it's a miracle anything exists at all. Max was the first, his guitar and voice brought me to tears, and he was missing a string, and high. Pip was the second, when I thought there were no others like Max in the world. He stared into my eyes like I was the last person on earth and sang one of my favorite songs to me. Brandt, was the third. He still amazes me.

Eric, is the first who outshines all of them. He seems to me a living, walking, breathing, personafication of freedom and joy and beauty. He is, at this point. The brightest star I've ever seen. Perhaps not even a star. More like a comet. He's come into my skies and in a years time he'll most likely pack up and leave. It already breaks my heart. Maybe that sounds crazy, or mushy. But it's so rare I see that in people. I wish I saw it in more people. It's so sad. I look back at Sam's life and I realize too that he was one of those people. He was this amazing glowing living breathing waling brilliant vibrant thing. And I realized it far too late.

Sam was like a star, that was hidden in the blackest sky. He couldn't shine until the moon passed away and the clouds parted. The night he passed, the clouds over Galveston did part, and I'd never seen the stars like that. Mars hung at it's near brightest over the ocean and a million stars had filled the velveteen and milky sky. It was fitting.

I'm sorry I'm rambling so much. It just feels good to. This week has been so hard for me. Not even a full week. I know it'll get easier, it's just so hard to believe that wonderful things can happen. I wish I was free and brilliant. I wish I could be the living personafication of something so important. But I'm not. I'm just a writer who has lead this really strange and miserable life.

I feel like I've been sleeping for the last 13 years of my life. And just recently I've begun to wake up and really understand that I am incredibly small in comparision to life. To the universe. To everything. I'm just so seemingly insignificant. It's strange really. I'm writing this great work. My Magnum Opus. And for what reason?

Do I merely have a story to tell, or is it just because I don't want to be so insignificant? I'm not sure. I'm not sure about much anymore.

I only know that life is not going to crush me. If something as small and seemingly insignificant as a butterfly can exist in this world, then I'm sure that I can continue to do so as well.

Today, I closed my eyes. The window of the truck was down and I was dreaming, the sunlight still pure white and blinding behind my eyes. I could almost still see the large white and grey clouds slipping and rolling across the most joyously blue sky. And in that moment, I thought: This is so beautiful, I must be dying. And in my mind I heard a voice and it said: Come with me.. Leave your body behind, the sun is so joyous here. It's so pure and white. Nothing can harm you. Leave with me.

And feeling some strange bittersweetness I smiled and opened my eyes, and to that voice I heard inside I said simply: No, not yet. I think I love this world.

It's been so long since I felt that. So terribly long.

Anyway, enough rambling. Much love,


(Believe in me?)

Explain this one... [07 Oct 2003|11:54pm]
[ mood | Terribly Amused ]

Now with my correct age and another color I really like.

Your Final Fantasy Husband by explodingkirbys
Favourite colour
Number of Children7 (keepin' busy, i see..)
Why you will divorcethe sex is boring.
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

(Believe in me?)

OHFUCKYES [07 Oct 2003|11:42pm]
[ mood | amused ]

Your Final Fantasy Husband by explodingkirbys
Favourite colour
Number of Children1
Why you will divorcehe cheated on you.
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

*CACKLE* I rock.

(2 Believe what they see | Believe in me?)

Upon Moving... [05 Oct 2003|10:03pm]
[ mood | Fuckitall ]

Alrightie. So a real update. I do believe it is time to let everyone know what is going down and what has gone down.

So, my internet finally fucking died last week. Took longer than I figured it would. I've mostly played FFTactits Advance and written a little bit. Anyway. I moved to my aunt's house today where I have slow but rather good and dedicated internet service. Gods I feel happy to be online again.

Currently I'm eating dinner and typing this entry, wishing Abjection was on so we could talk and roleply. I miss her. <3 <3!

My poor kitty doesn't have a home yet. I think he may end up here if my aunt feels badly enough.

Lex is going to a psychatrist (sp?) on Wednesday. He told me he didn't want to get married anytime soon. I'm fine with that. He also said he wanted to date guys. I'm not sure how I feel right now. I'm not devastated or surprised. I'm just not the only one he needs I suppose. It makes me a little bit sad I think, but at the same time, I think maybe it's best for him. And maybe even for me.

It's funny, he expects to find a guy who is aware of me and our relationship. And he exects the guy to be alright with it. It's a fucking odd situation currently. It'll all pan out somehow though. It's not the end, per se'. He misses me terribly already and didn't want me to move.

I think the main issue is that Lex needs someone who can be intensely masculine (really means: Someone who actually has a fucking cock.) unlike me.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just not cut out for taking care of people. And I'm sincerely sorry I don't have a fucking cock.

Lex does so much for me emotionally and sexually as well. And I know emotionally I do my best with him, and he loves me. But maybe sexually I just can't make him happy. I guess things like that happen. There's this great and emotional and desperate love people have, but then, there is no sex. They just can't please one another.

I always fancied that the most beautiful form of love would be purely desperate and emotional and needing. And totally without any physical intimacy.

Maybe it is.

Or maybe I'm just pretending that everything will be alright.


That's my update. Let me have my utter moment of sheer confusion and misery. I need to angst (it's a verb now) for just a little while before I go nuts.

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