| our nation was founded on... |
[06 Jul 2008|03:01pm] |
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mood |
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hungry/tired |
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music |
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jesus camp |
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oh man. i survived.
darren and i headed up to baxter on thursday morning with his mom and sisters. his grandparents (his dad's dad and step-mom) came up on friday. there's a campground/resort on north long lake where they have a space on permanent reserve.
we actually got to see marsha on thursday evening, which was nice. we were in pequot at a time of day when there wasn't a billion people there. had dinner at the commander and had a generally good time. that night we got drunk by the campfire and BS'd with darren's cousin michael and his friend kevin.
we braved the water on friday. it was, well, cold. nice once we got used to it though. it was colder on saturday i think. for the most part we just hung out, played games, ate food, sat around the campfire and drank. talking to marsha, i determined that darren and i drink probably more than is necessary. just in general.
friday night was sweet. darren's grandpa jack is an amazing guitar player so we say around the fire and he played and told stories. it rained an saturday night so we all retreated into our own shelters.
darren and i took his sisters to see get smart on saturday. it was okay. i appreciated the fact that we could go to a movie at 4:00 on a saturday and, in brainerd, it counted as a matinee. the movie was good enough but i've had enough steve carrell for a while.
the mosquitoes ate me. also, in four days i didn't shower and washed my hair (leaning over the tiny bathtub in the camper) once. the shower i took once i got back today totally beat the awesome shower record, previously held by the first shower i took in london.
and now we're making delicious food and watching jesus camp again, this time with directors' commentary. johnston out.
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| independence. |
[05 Jul 2008|12:24am] |
so today (well 24 minutes ago...) it was forth of july. it was really fun actually, despite the fact this was the first time in my life i haven't seen fireworks! it's okay though because i saw a glimpse them in the car and a few in the parking lot! we spent most of the day at my aunts house today, the food was so good. i am hungry now though and wish i would have brought some stuff home but i think my mom and aunt put dibs on everything. anyway, for some reason i noticed i was smiling a lot ... and greg was doing little things like putting his arm around me and kissing my forehead without me making any kind of invitation or advance. it was really nice. i was ready to leave me aunts though by like six, five hours or so with the family is really enough. it was nice to just come home and relax and then be a little bit goofy after a long, rather draining day.
greg just left, he has the whole house to himself so he's probably going so excited to sleep in without anyone making noise to wake him up. haha, i'm pretty sure i know him well enough to know thats the thing he is excited the most about. tomorrow i have a lot on my agenda because i figure that since greg is sleeping in and visiting his grandmother at the hospital i won't see him until a little later in the day. this is a good thing only because i really need to take both parts of my geography test even though its due sunday since sunday we are going to the game. aside from my massive amounts of homework (which this week is my last week of class basically and i NEED to save my grade and study extra hard).
anyway, i'm really tired and i want to get in some note taking before bed time so i'm peacing out.
♥ a
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| whatever. |
[04 Jul 2008|02:05am] |
forget it, i'm just going to sleep.
maybe some things you don't need to figure out.
maybe it's just okay, or going to be okay.
maybe sometimes feelings don't have answers.
maybe its just life to feel funny sometimes.
i hate the way i screw things over for myself so much. i feel like i just made a massive mess in text messages. what the hell is wrong with me?
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| my letter to the world fast asleep... |
[04 Jul 2008|01:38am] |
have you ever felt that moment where someone read you without a single clue?
the moment where someone tells you that you need to talk even though you are afraid of?
i think i need that right now.
i feel like throwing up. so many thoughts are in my head and i don't get to say them. i can write them down all i want, but it seems like now even if someone is "listening", no one is still talking about them with me to help me figure it all out. i know it works like that, its happened before. so why am i enveloped in a silence i can't find the way out of? i feel like i just keep picking out the really great things in my life in an attempt to look on the bright side of something i can't quite figure out. little things tend to cyclone into a ridiculous storm inside of me. i have been somewhere else lately almost constantly. even when my body decided to give me a reality check through a kidney infection...i still can't come down or up from some direction i'm not even aware of. i know what i'm supposed to be doing but just can't bring myself to doing it. i'm tired of not knowing right now i guess.
i have felt so sick to my stomach. i want to blame it on my antibiotic but i think its probably more than that. this entire thing is just stressing me out. i am just ready to scream "SOMEONE PLEASE TALK TO ME" and not just listen to me. a conversation. an attempt to understand. i used to be able to lose myself in conversations. am i behind in life? am i stuck in teenage years or something? is talking something people grow out of? i feel like i'm going crazy. and now i know im sending out signals that clearly say, something is wrong - help me figure it out. help me figure out what i'm missing. i could probably tell someone that already. i've got no passion right now because i'm unable to write and unable to sing and unable to play music and there is absolutely no one who is encouraging me in the ways that they used to. this is due to the fact that some of the most prominent leaders of this are no longer in my life, but it doesn't matter. the support closest to me pushes me the most.
i only ate dinner today. i bombed my geography quiz because i couldn't think about it. i just wanted to curl up in my bed and shut my eyes really tightly. i can close my eyes as tightly as i want, none of this is going away. and now the things he said yesterday wont stop echoing in my head every five minutes "that's disappointing." it just feels like a punch in the face. i try to be honest and i get a remark that hurts my feelings so much when i needed something different. people know what other people need to hear, its part of being friends. i guess i just know he is right, yeah that is disappointing. but at least everything surrounding me is what i want and need and love and makes me happy.
♥ a
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| i think i've made some good decisions. |
[03 Jul 2008|12:42pm] |
despite that fact that when it comes to the real world, most things that seem common sense to people are absolutely foreign to me - its okay. i guess i will just have to continuously be overwhelmed by the realities of well...reality. i think that the strongest part of my life that has pulled me places is my ability to connect with people which forms connections that end up getting me somewhere. not only have i formed amazing friendships, but also relationship that benefit both people...which is something people always want to have. i'm convinced this is where most girls go wrong. its human nature to be able to recognize that people want to benefit from each other, and sex seems to be the easy escape and the quick answer for a way to keep someone there. i know that doesn't always work in all relationships of course, that doesn't get you far in say, a career unless you are a groupie and even then you aren't making anything but a bunch of disrespect for yourself and if you live around here...then you are just the butt of a lot of bad jokes.
i just got my poetry final and realized that i really am doing something right. teachers just don't reach out to help anybody in the ways mine have offered. every single professor i have had, whether it be a huge lecture, workshop, or small lab has known who i am. they see me and say hello and know my name. i went to high school in a bubble where everyone had "superb" work. who hasn't had that written on any of their papers in sugarcoated maryjail. anyway, i'm starting to learn that my teachers are for real. even if i'm "just at tu", half of these teachers didn't "just go to tu". so many of my teachers are on the cutting edge of really great things. i guess what really sparked this thought is that today i woke up and had two emails from two of my previous teachers. it's like we are friends and they are interested in my work after they have had me and i think that is awesome. i think that is really going to benefit me...and i'm really excited because i think this is the way i can get my foot in the door and end up finding a way to be a leader somewhere. the best part is, somehow even though i have changed my major - i am the baby everywhere. i'm not behind at all, i'm actually ahead.
for once, i love being the baby because it's working to impress people. it breaks the ice. i like it. next year i will probably be right on schedule but who knows, i'll be junior at GS and if i prove myself this year i could just beat out carrie after a one-year ride. that would be pretty cool, but i'm definitely not as intense as she is. i have to check out where her publications have gone and ask her for help, she could probably hook me up since she is from etown. i have to go swimming now but i will talk later.
♥ a
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| restless and waiting. |
[02 Jul 2008|03:36pm] |
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music |
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metro station - shake it |
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tonight you're falling in love.
i think a few things have happened recently that have surprised me so much from people to my reactions that now i'm craving more. more surprise. more spontaneity. more smiling. more laughing. more looks that say everything i don't know how to put into words. more dancing. more romance. a new place and a new feeling...give me some of that sweet simplicity that makes me want to fall back and laugh wide-eyed.
an open road and a star-punched sky would be a really good combination. now don't get me wrong, i really love my life. i don't even know what more i could ask for because i basically feel like the world is mine. but recently, it's all become so unpredictable in a really good way...and i've always been able to predict it. who would have thought all these feelings and opportunities would be mine? i am so lucky. i have been thinking a lot about my relationship because i've been getting very quiet all too often and just thinking to myself thoughts i should probably share with my other half. nothing bad of course, just my thoughts.
have you ever wanted to just do something great for someone but can't think of the perfect thing to do??
i have a lot of brainstorming that needs to be done...
♥ a
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| going to baxter with 3/5ths of the baxters |
[02 Jul 2008|02:27pm] |
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cabin weekend is ON. we're leaving tomorrow morning. see you suckers on sunday, when i'm all... probably sunburnt and hungover.
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| my favorite fight. |
[30 Jun 2008|09:29pm] |
i just watched peyton throw all of lucas's books at him again and for some reason it meant something to me. maybe it's because its their most intense fight or something but i transcribed it probably to avoid studying geography. i can't wait to write tonight...i've got a lot i need to get out of my imagination.
---
"i saw your light on which isn't that surprising, i know how hard you work. you know...you haven't been yourself lately peyton. i mean, not the peyton i remember."
"well i haven't been that peyton for three years."
"what's going on?"
"okay...i went by my old house, and there's a teenage girl living there now and she showed me my closet door...and you know what that said? lucas and peyton. true love always. always lucas. thats what we were supposed to have until you showed up in la three years ago and ambushed me."
"if by ambushed you mean proposed to you...?"
"oh! yeah, out of the blue! a proposal that was driven by some insecurity that i have never been able to understand."
"insecurity? right...let me tell you how you get always, peyton. when a man asks you to marry him you say yes! you don't say no and call him insecure."
"i never said no! i said that i loved you and that i did want to marry you someday, and god luke - i wanted you so bad! but you gave up on us..."
"i gave up on us?!"
"yes!"
"by proposing, i gave up on us?!"
"no, by not waiting you gave up on us and you know that's the truth."
"that's great, peyton! you wanna talk truth? let's tell the truth!"
"okay."
"you gave up on me! that's why you didn't say yes - you didn't think i could do it. you didn't think i could get my novel published, maybe you just didn't care because it wasn't about you or what you wanted."
"well if that's the truth, if i never ever cared then how come every time i see this stupid book, i buy it?! every stupid damn time, luke! you said i was great! you said i could be great! you said we were destine to be together. you said it to the world, you said it to me and i wish you never had because you did not mean any of it!"
---
i hope he meant it...usually if you write it down you do.
♥ a
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[29 Jun 2008|04:18pm] |
our 4th of july plans might be failing horribly.
sucks. i want to go to pequot.
if they do fail, we're totally going to taste of minnesota instead.
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[29 Jun 2008|03:31pm] |
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last night i learned that i enjoy fleetwood mac probably more than i should.
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| another good weekend. |
[29 Jun 2008|01:00am] |
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music |
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jason castro - somewhere over the rainbow |
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"you're okay."
when i hear that next to his heartbeat, i know i am. every time.
something makes a part of me melt, and i don't mean the cliche melt.
its something like being able to melt into him, as one thing i want to call happiness.
i woke up from this amazing nap and in my head i was so at peace...
and for some reason i played bummed because i wasn't going to the mall.
i think part of me was trying to still be mad, but i am starting to feel things for the first time.
this relaxation in my own home. around my own mess.
it doesn't matter because im waking up soft next to this feeling of love.
next to a smile that let me hear "hey beautiful." the second i wake up.
i am so lucky and so happy.
♥ a
ps: i can't stop listening to jcastro...
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[28 Jun 2008|11:03pm] |
The perfect mix
The perfect device
The perfect mix
When words won't suffice
Some slow
Some fast
Some rock
Some roll
But in the end
I have one goal
To speak to you
To touch your soul
Each verse
Each note
Each beat
Each stubborn rhyme
I analyzed
With you in mind
To tell you what
My words could not
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| hate |
[27 Jun 2008|12:36pm] |
no, seriously. world of warcraft.
hate.
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| happy. |
[26 Jun 2008|12:52pm] |
hello, today i have thought a lot about growing up and growing away as well as growing closer and growing into. my conclusion? my life has had a tremendous amount of people in and out of it in twenty years. i've loved every single one of them even if i hated them.
now im going to go study geography by the pool.
♥ a
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| quickie. |
[24 Jun 2008|05:17pm] |
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music |
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i nine - don't wanna |
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you gotta chase it till you win. i wanna feel free, i wanna be free. i wanna new life, i wanna drive all night. i wanna wake up in the sunrise and love myself again.
i love i nine a lot right now, carmen is awesome. i'm so tired right now, my whole body feels exhausted and i haven't even actually been doing that much but i guess it's just because i threw my sleep schedule off once and then had trouble sleeping so everything is a little out of whack. life has been really good, from doing major catch up time with friends i haven't seen in a long time to hanging out or spending lunch with the people i can't get enough of - i'm really happy. i can't wait to go places, i find my little imagination drifting off to the month of august way too frequently when i have a last week of june and a whole month of july to bask in. already like five people have asked me to do things on thursday and i hate when this happens because 1) i definitely need to work 2) i may or may not go to my reading 3) they all asked me within an hour of each other!! intense. so if you are one of those people, i didn't respond to you because i have no yet figured out how to schedule my time accordingly.
i can't wait to get back to the beach, i want to go one more time before i have to go with the family. they always tend to ruin it a little bit. plus they stay on different beaches that i don't like as much. i like my quiet...i guess its because i like to be around loud people sometimes its a nice change. last night i just have to say that i think i was unconscious for a better part of the night. i came home and had no idea what the hell was going on and then i tried to make dinner and couldn't find anything i swore i had (NOT a good feeling). so yeah, it was absolutely insane. financially i have my head above water, which is all the matters. i'm really hoping i can not need gas until like sunday or next week (next week would be AMAZING). thursday i get two paychecks so that will help me out a lot. the only bad thing is i have a dentist appointment on wednesday and i don't have dental insurance so its going to be almost 200 dollars for the appointment, which is awful. i can't wait until i get a real job after college and have great medical. it might be the only reason i consider being a teacher...
i feel like i have gotten really tan from my weekend in the sun, but no one noticed but alex...who hasn't seen me as frequently. greg said maybe he will notice tomorrow. not funny! anyway, i'm in the process of making dinner. i had to call my mom and ask her to look in this book she has that tells you what to eat based on what you will be doing. i needed food to jumpstart my brain so she hooked me up with the answers. i forget what book it is but i want it really badly. tonight i have to remember to take out the trash. even though they came yesterday. trash will be less frequent because i am going to ikea tomorrow before i check on the house to get some bins i can use for recycling. i'm proud of myself, never in my life has my family ever recycled and i am starting something new. i don't feel like i'm making a big difference, but at least if something bad happens i can say i did my part. i could go for a snowball sooo badly right now. or a crab pretzel. gah. i'm so hungry. but i'm glad i am cooking now and staying away from all that frozen food, all that sodium just kills my mood in ridiculous ways.
so yeah, not much has been going on with me lately. for some reason i thought my class would never end today. i NEED to do so much geography tonight. hardcore.
ask me why i've gotta leave this town again...
♥ a
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| cabin fever |
[23 Jun 2008|09:29am] |
for the first time in 3 years, i will be in the motherland (pequot) for the fourth of july.
darren's family has a cabin in baxter (haha). we're going up wednesday night (the 2nd), which means that, assuming my boss approves my request for time off, i will only work 3 days next week. la!
edit: time off approved.
we had also talked with some friends about going to the cabin the following weekend sans baxter parents, or to a different place in crosslake. and there's a plan in the works for the pequots to head up to kate's grandparents' lake place the weekend after that, so here's hoping there's three weekends of lake country goodness in my near future.
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| okay night. |
[23 Jun 2008|01:01am] |
so things have been so weird, and i've wondered why i've felt somewhere in between really really uneasy and just plain blah. i wish greg could have come out with me tonight, i feel like all these feelings have been really miscommunicated but one thing is so clear. i love that boy. i went to liz's and sam's tonight after my day of sort of lounging by the pool. it was really good to see people at liz's and talk and catch up and rob actually had a lot to say and then i went to sam's which was also really fun. i saw alex and i just couldn't wait to get out the door and laugh in his ridiculously fake face. the first thing he says is "i haven't seen you in like two years" and so i just played along instead of starting a fight and let him do his drunken thing. i am sort of glad that i was pretty disgusted with him in a weird way. when we said goodbye he was like "we'll hang out soon." and i just said no, which made dorl laugh and walk away so alex started walking away and i called him peter pan and peaced out which made him yell back that he did have that complex. we are good friends in a weird way. our old selves are good friends, and thats great but he asked me what i had been up to and i said i'm pretty much still the same and he disagreed with me...which i'm glad because he is right. i'm not the same, i feel so good that i feel like we're really far past the past that we had together.
when i got this text tonight from greg that said "you're the perfect girl for me." everything just felt better and my heart just felt so full. i can't wait to be in his arms, he said we can probably hang out this week during the week. talking to rob tonight was like a really necessary thing i think, it was weird to just talk about the things going on in my life because i never really think about them. i've got it pretty good, that's why i was really happy when i got to sams, because no matter what was going on and no matter how nervous i felt or sad because greg wasn't with me...he made me realize that i would be at my house crying if i didn't trust myself or if i really didn't trust him. this is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me, i am in love with my boyfriend and i trust him so much.
i'm so glad this night was just chill in a weird way, i sat back and laughed at a lot of people but kept myself out of trouble. i was so glad even alex didn't try anything since he is notorious. everyone was just themselves and no one was like drunken disgusting except for maybe racquel...and i was just so happy to be around everyone and have a good time and not worry about someone hitting on me or my boyfriend doing something. i have to be honest though, in the back of my head i kept feeling like it wasn't fair that i was out and he wasn't even though he had been out with his friends. i felt sort of selfish but i kept having to remind myself that i'm not supposed to just sit at home when he goes out. i couldn't stop thinking about him. i love those moments when you just know that something is right. i've had a lot of talks with sam i feel like about how somethings even things you don't want to happen have to happen to be that reassuring slap in the face. i think tonight was one of those nights, the inside of me felt like throwing up because i was scared to be without my boy. but i was alright. i will be completely honest though, i feel so much better when he is around.
i can't wait to see him. this weekend was great, i guess now it's back to work...
♥ a
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