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[13 Aug 2008|09:31am] |
Last night was pretty much awful. I was supposed to go to Dorls around 9 oclock and hang out with him. I'd also told Mike I'd hang out with him at some point. So my plan was to hang out with Mike until about 10:30 and then go to Dorls. Somehow none of this ended up working out well.
Around 10:30 we all went to Daves. I decided I might as well drink a lot and started playing games of ruit. On the side I was drinking my vodka and concoction. I was actually having an okay time. Mike was being slightly annoying but I was indulged in watching the olympics and eating the chocolate turtles that emma gave jason anyway so it didn't matter too much.
A bunch of people started to fade away from Daves and everyone decided they wanted to go to Chris and Dans. As much as I wanted to go, I didn't because it was the second night in a row they were having people over without inviting me and I'd even had a convo with Chris about how we'd call each other if we had people over.
Somewhere in the night before leaving Daves shit hit the fan. Racquel called me telling me she needed me out in the street and I of course got up and ran without giving anyone an explanation. I wound up talking with Nick for about half an hour. Mike was left at Daves not knowing where I was and out of no where I get a message from Dan. Plain and simple: fuck you.
At that point I decided I should just go and see what was up since Dan wouldn't respond back to me.
When we got there I kind of just hung close with Racquel. I confronted Chris about how I felt about not being included and he was genuinely apologetic. "Sam I've never had to invite you - you know you can just come whenever you want" "Chris that was before... I could pretty much walk in here anytime of day I want... you have to understand what I mean when I say that if I'm not invited I'm assuming theres a reason - things aren't how they were"
Racquel Chris and I left to smoke a bowl and then came back to the party. It was dying down and I kept trying to talk to Dan but he was so mean I didn't know how to handle it. It was a mean I'd never seen from him. I mean literally at one point there were about five of us out on the back porch and Racquel says something about going home and Dan shouts how she should take her roommate with her (me).
I figured if I stayed around long enough he'd calm down and talk to me. But before I knew it all that was left was Chris Timmy Dan and I. Dan wouldn't remain in the room. He kept going back and fourth between his bedroom and kitchen. Timmy and I started talking about how for the first time things with our group are really fucked up. "You know what the problem is? Everyone is getting involved". And it's absolutely true. I am having my fall out with Dan right now. Seeger and Josh are having their drama but on the side she's hooked up with Tim and Chris. It's like everybody is all tangled up and frustrated at each other. We all keep wanting to blame whats going wrong on someone else.
I don't know how long I stayed awake in that chair waiting for Dan to talk to me. But I woke up in an uncomfortable sitting position at 6:00am this morning. Tim had moved to the other couch and everybody else was in their beds upstairs. I couldn't believe I'd fallen asleep and scrambled to get my things and leave. In an attempt to talk to Dan I'd literally fallen asleep on the sofa chair despite all the things he said to me. And at the end of it I still don't know what he was so upset about.
It didn't help that Mike was texting Chris last night asking if Dan was mad at him and if that was what the situation was about. I thought that despite Mikes confession on my birthday I'd still be able to be good friends with him but it's like getting in the way. Getting in the way of how he acts in front of other people, getting in the way of what people are thinking of me, and now he's just getting involved too much. Not that any of it is his fault. But I think he keeps thinking I'm going to change my mind and instantaneously start having feelings for him. According to Timmy, Mike has liked me since way before the beach. Something I was completely oblivious too.
This cruise is coming up perfectly. Yes, another escape. Yes, another chance that I can go away and come back and have things fine. Maybe these four days will allow Dan to cool off and hang out with who he wants without worrying about me coming around. Maybe things will backfire more and I'll come home to everyone mad at me. Who really knows. But it will be a good break for me to tell Mike that maybe we shouldn't be hanging out as much because it's giving people the wrong idea. And I hate doing things like that. Not hanging out with the people I want because of what other people think - but it's getting out of control and him texting Chris in that tone isn't making it any more convincing to people that we aren't really hooking up. I just really don't need anymore unnecessary drama. I already look like the worst person in the world in this situation and now everyone thinks I've moved onto Mike when I haven't at all.
Anyway - I'm exhausted now. I got a terrible sleep. I have so much to do but so much is weighing on my mind. I need to tune it all out so I can enjoy this four day cruise I have with the Russells. But somehow right now it's not even sounding like fun. I don't know what to do from here.
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| It's a breakdown, a breakdown - where do we go from here? |
[13 Aug 2008|12:29pm] |
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Breakdown | Forever the Sickest Kids |
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I came home a sobbing mess to my mother. Everything is getting under my skin. It's like I'm trying so hard to stay balanced and nothing is working. I'm paranoid that all of my friends hate me. I can't even keep up with Dan and his swaying emotions. My only true escape is cross country. It's the only thing that holds my attention and allows me to forget what I'm feeling. I need to remember to pack a pair of running shoes for the cruise because I have a feeling I'm going to be doing a lot of it. I just need to clear my mind. I kept thinking how much it would help if Shu were home. I just need someone I can sit down and talk to who knows everything without me telling him. He's one of the only people that can give me a non one-sided answer.
Anyway I talked with Dan. Nothing is better. They won't be for a really long time and I know that but I don't know how else to deal with things. Everything he said is like running through my head and I keep having to remind myself that not everything he said was true and he's just mad at me. "It's like you're trying so hard it's funny. You should see yourself." "You used to be this amazing person and now you're just so immature and annoying I don't want to be around you." "You're just like Mike, you're just trying so hard."
If I was the one being so immature I wouldn't be texting him after not talking for two days just to say "fuck you" and than not respond. I'm trying. If it comes across like I'm "trying so hard" it's because I am. I've been through this entire messy breakup thing before. I remember how angry Bryce was at me after we broke up. He couldn't talk to me or be around me. And I gave him the space, plus some and now we aren't even friends. I'm just trying to get it right.
Anyway - I have to go to the dentist in a little bit. ew. I don't want to go at all. I just want to lay in bed until cross country at 3 today.
and I would rather me leave than stay and watch you make a fool of me
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