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[09 Aug 2008|01:26am] |
I am lame and home already. It's 1:30 but I haven't felt like being out all night. I was in a bad mood before I left but at least it got better by being around people.
I'm really upset about the turnout so far for my birthday. Chrissy isn't coming home which was just the final straw for me. I have no idea whats going on with paintball. I don't know - it just doesn't seem like its coming together well at all. Anddd Zack texted me like an hour ago asking if I was home saying he would be home soon? and when I went to respond he ignored me for the rest of the night. I checked the site and the boys are in Oregon right now so I don't understand what he's talking about. It's putting me in a bad mood because I actually got excited and now I'm wondering why the hell he's saying he's coming home when he's clearly on the opposite end of the country.
The cops came tonight and everyone freaked out. Is it weird that I just don't care anymore? Jason thought I left because I was freaked out but I just really wasn't in the mood for being out. I had a beer and a half over the course of two+ hours. Racquel is a drunken mess but I love itttt haha. I have some cute pictures to upload tomorrow for facebook.
I don't know why I'm still typing this entry. Goodnight.
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[09 Aug 2008|10:26am] |
Okay so I am like hardcore planning out tomorrow right now. I keep procrastinating with actually planning out the events. If all falls into accordance the day should go as follows
11:30 - Meet at my house for Paintball
12:00 - 2:00 Paintball up at Route 40
2:00-7:00 - Rest, downtime, decorate for the after party!
7:30 - Meet for Little Italy Dinner
10:00 - Party at my house!!!!
I'm going decoration shopping today. I am VERY excited :)
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[09 Aug 2008|12:58pm] |
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Yess everything is falling into place SOMEHOW. I know saying this will most likely jinx it haha but I got both of the reservations I needed. For paint balling and for dinner. The only thing that could go wrong now is I have a bunch of people bail on paint ball last minute. I'm actually getting excited about my birthday now. I got a few decorations for the house too.
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[09 Aug 2008|01:25pm] |
Birthday Playlist:
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[09 Aug 2008|06:06pm] |
Two things:
Both of my best friends have officially bailed on my birthday. I can't even express how let down I am at Chrissy, not just about my birthday, but about how lacking she's been as a friend over the entirety of the summer. I don't even want to begin to write about it because there's so much about that alone that's upset me. But Bobby and Timmy are in OC. They were supposed to come home yesterday and decided to stay an extra night with Colby. I called him, thinking he was home, to see if he was coming over tonight and he informed me he's now staying another extra night with the Delaroses and is leaving in the morning. But my morning and Bobbys morning are two different things and there is no way he's coming home in time for paint ball at 11:30. I know I shouldn't let it bother me, but it's just frustrating how neither of them see how this might matter to me. At least Bobby is coming to dinner, but Chrissy hasn't even tried to contact me since she threw the bomb on me last week. It just kind of sucks.
On another note, I found this from last November that I really liked and wanted t remind myself of once again:
11/25/07
Letter to self: on self intelect:
I watched the plane meet it's shadow, meet the ground.
At that moment I was completely aware of what Sarah said to me last night at the bar:
I have no self respect for my own intelect.
I studied the layout of Miami. Maybe I should read more?
Was this all a result of my passiveness?
Could I blame it on somebody else?
of course not.
With the gift of a Kalik and a joking smack on the ass she informed me that this was my biggest flaw - that I could be incredible if I accepted my knowledge.
She was drunk and ecstatic from discovering a new friendship, but she was completely right.
I've had hours to contemplate this confrontation. I've watched the clouds fade from a fiery orange to a dull grey above the tarmac - and still I have no answer for why I am this way. Tens of aircrafts have departed before my eyes headed for promising destinations: Panama, Peru, Mexico, Malibu.
Why do I lack so much faith in my own intelect?
It's true that I struggle to retain information - but so badly I wish to understand and feel passionate the way PeyPey did on the first day down as he told me stories of Solomon, biblical characters, and philosopers. He had a light in his eyes so bright I thought he'd burst.
I remained passive - the listener. I let him amuse me, and I laughed the way a pretty girl should laugh, all the time envious.
I wanted to tell stories other than my own happenings. I wanted to learn, read, and more than anything be confident.
I've made a promise to myself to change. I want to change and I want to feel as amazing as Sarah made me feel I was and could be.
I've got several more hours to think. The clouds are still fading and planes are still shooting off into some unknown perfection.
I could learn a lot from all this.
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