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[30 Jun 2008|09:08am] |
Oh my god everything is happening SO fast. I can't believe I actually move to the Bahamas tomorrow. Assss usual I am sitting here the day before with absolutely nothing packed. Actually, my suitcase isn't even empty from Costa Rica yet!!! I can't believeee this actually happening right now. I'm nervous, excited, and scared all at the same time. I know it's going to be absolutely amazing but eeek I'm just nervous. THERE IS SO MUCH I NEED TO PACK.
This isn't me going away for a week where I can just throw some shit together. I'm not coming back until August. Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
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[30 Jun 2008|12:07pm] |
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rant: I neverrrrr want to be a teacher. I have to write up a 5 day lesson plan for teaching children about the rainforest and it's taken 7 hours to do so far. I don't know how teachers do this. I'd probably go insane.
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[30 Jun 2008|06:50pm] |
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i'm seriously so emotionally fucked up right now. i started crying in the bank when i was getting money. i can't stop crying. i started crying at dinner and had to leave. i'm crying right now. it's like i can't stop.
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[30 Jun 2008|09:49pm] |
I wish I knew what was happening. I've been going in and out of panic mode. How do I deal with not being with Dan? he's like my other half. I don't know how to just be. For three years of my life it's been about him. How do I stop that? Why did I think I had to or should. Since the moment he walked into my life it's always been about him.
I've survived the past hour without crying. A record so far but of course the moment I think about it all I can feel the tears filling up again. I went over his house after I left my parents. I didn't really know what to say. All I could do was cry... and cry... and then cry because I felt guilty for showing up at his house just to cry. We hugged for a long time and I think the only thing that made me feel better was saying out loud what Emily had said to me. If it's supposed to be it will work it's self out... maybe this is just a bump in the road? Because I don't want this to be the end... if it was supposed to be the end I wouldn't be an absolute mess like I am. I've gone through a box of tissues and two rolls of toilet paper crying tonight.
I felt bad because when Merrick called me earlier I couldn't even speak. He thought I had a cold and I told him I couldn't hang out anymore. After a few hours of composing myself though I decided I might as well at least say hi. I had sat around for 7 hours doing nothing but cry and feel sorry about being an idiot. I swung by smoothie king and talked to a homeless man outside who asked me to come camping with him hahah.
I went over the Merricks... wow that sounds really weird. Ok, I went over Merrick's house and talked with him and his mom for a little bit. Luckily I had left the printed out chat room conversation in my car so I got it out for him. I didn't think he would care to read it but he was cracking up. His mom invited me to his art exhibit but as it goes, I'll be out of town.
Mikey swung by because they had planned to have a jam session at 9. They have an acoustic show at the Ottobar in three days. They've never played together and still don't have lyrics to their song... the thing is they still sounded pretty together. There two of those people who just have musical chemistry - even if they don't know what the fuck they're doing they'll figure it out and pull it off.
I listened to them for two songs. I felt like I was intruding even though they both acted like it was chill I was there. Merrick managed to break an E string on both of his acoustic guitars so he had to restring one haha. Thats when I decided to leave. I couldn't really think the whole time I was there. I felt like they wanted feedback from me but I kept zoning off into space. They did sound really good though. I like Mikeys voice.
Anyway - I have to start packing now. I'm exhausted and my eyes are swelling shut from crying all day. Dan is going to see Wall-e with the boys and he's swinging by at midnight. I don't know whats happening with us. I feel like a horrible person for the way I've delt with the situation. I think I just kept pushing myself into a corner and today I freaked thinking I had no where to go. Now that I've let Dan go I'm sitting here figuring out what was wrong in the first place. Nothing makes sense and I feel like I'm in no state of mind to be deciding what I really want right now.
If it's meant to be it will work itself out. That's all I can keep telling myself.
♥
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