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Mat Kearney | Whats a Boy to do? |
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I guess I'm looking for the right things to call pretty...
So I have to go to work in half an hour. I'm really not looking forward to it. If this hours per week cut is permanent I will not be upset in the least bit. It has been so nice to relax these past 4-5 days.
The warm weather is just destroying my motivation. I can't contain myself from skipping class every time someone calls up about how they're basking in the sun having fun. But surely the most worthwhile skip was last Thursday when I had a cookout in the backyard and we all made steaks, cheeseburgers, hot dogs, and jumped on the trampoline.
Tigerfest is next Saturday and I'm expecting it to be nothing short of amazing. Tanya told me I am an entertainer and I think she's right. I love to have people over. I love to have parties. I love to decorate, make food, provide a place for everyone to have fun. It's been that way for the past three years. So of course we're having the pre-tigerfest party at our house. I plan to go all out for it. Grilling, possibly a keg, the force, and way too much food.
Anyway - Daniel and I finally had a necessary talk. He shouldn't have read my writing, but I shouldn't have kept everything I was thinking in my head for so long without telling him. I think we both did things wrong. But I think despite the fact that what he did was wrong, it was necessary because it forced me to put it out there even though coming clean with my emotions was the last thing I had wanted to do. There was crying as I knew there would be. But I told him everything I had meant to. How I wanted a break but I didn't know if it was the right thing. How I was scared shitless because everyone we knew was living together this summer and if he had come to me to suggest us living together this summer I wouldn't want to. How I still loved him so much but I just wanted to feel it like I used to. How I used to be obsessed with him and just wanted a little bit of that back.
He kind of told me some things he'd been keeping from me too. and it was such a weight off my shoulders to talk to him. It sucked, but not as much as it could have sucked if I'd kept it in. The thing is - it almost seemed to make things better. I felt like we were a little bit stronger the next morning when we woke up. We're not 'back to normal' but at least he knows the truth, and we're just going to keep on where we've been. I don't see a reason to stop our relationship at this moment, but I'm still unsure about what is going to happen in the future. When I leave for Costa Rica I might want to go back to that idea of a break. It's just that sometimes I feel like he is going to be the one I'm with in the long run and I don't know, I'm not ready to be committed to someone for the rest of my life at this point. The idea of it is comforting and suffocating at the same time. Dan makes me happy and he's amazing. But I don't think this whole notion is about him as much as it is about me just needing to get above the surface and be free for a few weeks, and not even to hook up with other people, but just to be on my own.
Thats what I wanted this summer to be about most. Costa Rica with nobody I know for two weeks. Living in Hopetown without my parents for the first time in my life for a month. I want to experience everything and I've felt that I'll grow most at this point in my life by doing it without anybody - without my boyfriend, or best friends, or anything. Sure, Racquel and probably some of the other girls will come visit me for a few days, but that's just because I'll never have this opportunity to be there for a month again. This summer is going to be about finding myself. I know that sounds utterly rediculous - but so much of who I am is merely made up by my surroundings. When I find myself in Hopetown or other places, I lose sight of who I am. I wanted to figure that out. and I want to figure that out as myself, by myself.
I have to go to work nowww. Bye loves!
     
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