| Some how 'here' is gone. |
[30 Mar 2008|06:02pm] |
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Here Is Gone | Goo Goo Dolls |
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For the record I absolutely love all the songs on my computer at my house. How did I abandon all these artists? They're amazing. On the side, I'm realizing 'abandon' is a word that can match a few things in my life.
I went to dinner with Rachael tonight. I always think that I'm lucky because I don't regret anything in my life. But that's not true. I genuinely regret how I treated Rachael leading to our falling out. I miss her a lot. I miss us doing everything together. The days we'd just sit in my bedroom after class and read magazines for hours. Even when she'd just show up at my house and walk in unexpectedly which yes towards the end of our friendship was one of the frustrating things... but really - friendships like that don't just come around every day. It's almost pathetic because if I think about it too much I sometimes think I'll cry.
A normal person is so hard to come by today. It really is. I have 7 girlfriends. Only 4 of them can I actually confide in spend 1 on 1 time with without feeling like I have to make an attempt. Every other girl I meet either doesn't want to be my friend, or has some annoying trait.
Dinner was great though. I can't say it was "like old times" because there is so much change in between then and now. But it was comfortable and easy and just might be an opening to us getting to spend time together again. I know that this time around I'd have to be the one who makes the effort if a friendship were a possibility. I regret so much letting our friendship fade away. There are so many friends I'll never be able to get back that I wish I could. For instance, Bryce and Max. But I don't know, maybe there's a possibility Rachael and I could be friends again?
I'm so angry at myself for letting so much time go by. But I don't know - maybe it was necessary time after everything that happened.
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[30 Mar 2008|06:44pm] |
p.s. I went shopping at White Marsh with Chrissy yesterday.
Here are 2 of my 3 buys:
(except in black)
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| In the rearview mirror I can see the breaklight hit your face as you're waving me goodbye |
[30 Mar 2008|10:17pm] |
I think when it all comes down to the lessons I've learned from Jason the most important one has always been to let the people you love know how much you care. I've witnessed him lose some of the people he's cared about most in the past year and a half. It hurts me to watch him go through the pain but somewhere along the way I noticed a change. When we go too long without talking we always make sure to let the other know we love them during a phone conversation or message. I got a voice mail from his a few days ago. "Haven't talked to you in awhile, we have a meet Saturday at Loyola and it'd be nice if you could swing by since it's close, hope all is well, I love you".
But the thing with Jason is he continues to let you know he cares. I guarantee that if I didn't respond or show up he would call me a few weeks later trying to make a connection and just letting me know he cares. It's the one thing I can always depend on from him and it makes me so comfortable to know he's one of those solid people in my life.
I've been so distraught over losing Merrick as a friend to fame. I've cried a few times. It's something I can't help - he's one of my best friends and it hurts so bad to have supported them for years and not receive an answer. I was thinking about all of this and finally just gave it another shot. To my complete shock he responded. We sent a few text messages back and forth and just to hear that he still cares means so much. We joked and reconnected over a series of 7 texts but it was necessary. "I want you to know I'm thinking of you - love ya bud" "Love you and miss you too I'll send you pictures".
One good thing about the road is it opens up your eyes - It will make you miss your home and everything thats right - don't ever change - don't ever change.
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