| Ain't no where in the globe I'd rather be - ain't no one in the globe I'd rather see |
[23 Feb 2008|10:09am] |
I don't know what it was about last night that seemed so simple and wonderful. Perhaps it was the fact that there were only 7-8 of us, all really good friends, and we managed to keep the music going for an extra hour. Perhaps it was how familiar the entire situation felt or how for the first time Justin and I learned something about each other (for instance, he already has his wedding song picked out). I especially loved how we got on a level where we could laugh about how messed up our friendship is. "My last girlfriend saw a picture of me with another girl and broke up with me because she thought I was cheating on her" "and were you?" "no - she just assumed... hey, you know it's funny how much you can learn about a person when you give them the chance to speak" "it's funny how much you can learn about a person when they actually decide to open up to you".
I feel like I've rekindled my friendship with all of the guys. another vacation worth while. I'm sure that this sentence alone has just cursed me however and some mishap will occur - but honestly, I never expected to have a conversation with Clint lasting more than 30 minutes. or to have Justin let down a wall outside of Jacks over a cigarette. I could finally say something of importance to him: "You have to understand where I'm coming from, from my point of view none of you even care about me, or even being my friend" "how you can sit there and say I don't care - why the hell do you think we're always fighting". And I guess until last night it had come down to that, that I considered Clint and Justin really good friends but I thought they could care less about being my friends. Sometimes, I thought the only thing that kept them hanging around me was the fact that I was a girl and somewhere there lingered a possibility they could one day get a hook-up out of me.
And I think that was what was so perfect - that nobody was trying to get anything out of the other, we were all just laughing at our friendships. Pointing fun at the things that usually make us so angry at each other. There are so many good lines from last night I wish I could remember to write down. Too many sly smiles that meant 10000 things. "Who you puckering up for?" "Well I know you wish you, but unfortunately my lips are just really chapped, sorry".
Even my online conversations have gotten significantly better. Souve and I have been talking every day. It's weird because I almost forget that I haven't actually seen him since I've been here, I've just been talking to him so much online that it feels like I have. I think ever since the bar fight he's been laying a little low.
I've got some wonderful pictures from the Full Moon Party, last night, and the beach. I wish I had a cord to download them. I wish I'd gotten more of last night though - there are only two.
Yesterday was one of those days that seemed to go on forever. From soup on the beach with mom, to too much television, to having our dinghy delivered, to losing my martini virginity over happy hour with Perry and Dominic, to eating meatloaf with my family trashed, to my two hour sobering up process between 7pm and 9pm where I called for an intermission to keep from getting too drunk or passing out, to the card games, to sneaking Sarah vodka and sprites, to drinking once again, dancing, and drunk driving up to conched out where I passed out amongst a group of people and awoke at 2am to drive back into town with JR who I've come to learn is a really cool guy.
Anyway, I need to change out of my pajamas so I can get ready for the fair that starts up in half an hour. I can already hear the conch salad calling my name.
Sarah said something to me last night that I also would like to remember: "isn't it crazy, how there are so many different variations of the word love" - we sat outside last night talking about how it can transform from one type to another without you even realizing. How it's scary that a best friend type love could transform into a lovers love and vise versa... how you never know where it's going to take you until you are pretty much there. How in all these years that I've loved Dan, I never thought it would take this long to define. And I've realized that's always been the hardest part about our relationship - I've always loved him and I've loved him too much. And sometimes that can be a beautiful thing or a destructive thing. I think in my situation, it's been a little bith of both, or too much of both. I'm not sure.
-- ♥
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[23 Feb 2008|04:36pm] |
The speaker in this door is blown
So nothing sounds quite right
Taking my time
taking this drive wait in this town
Goodbye
I drive this ocean road and remember
small of your back
nape of your neck
I remember everything
as I drive im waving this town goodbye
How the girls can turn to ghosts before your eyes
And the very dreams that led to them
are keeping them from dying
And how the grace with which she walked into your life
Will stay with you in your steps
and pace with you a while
For so long, so long so long
taking my time - taking this drive - wait in this town (so long, so long)
so long so long so long so long
And I will leave under the cover
A summer's kiss upon the sky
Like the stone face of your lover
Just before she says goodbye
And I was certain that the season could be held between my arms
but just as summers hold is fleeting I was here but now I'm gone
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[23 Feb 2008|05:05pm] |
The playground here is a giant tree. It's branches are thick and twist off horizontally for about 10-20 feet each way. The tree itself isn't that tall but it is absolutely magnificent. It acts as protection above two benches when it's too hot out. If I were a little kid again, this is all it would take for me to make the move.
I don't like doing surveys too much. They never seem to ask the questions I want to answer. Not that I know what questions I'd like to answer - but still. Who cares when my last cigarette was and how many people I've talked on the phone with the past few days. I would like to be asked some real questions. I can't even get a survey to be interested enough in what makes me tick. Hopeless.
I just want to sit down and talk with someone. Learn about them. Hear the novel of their life. Anything - Anybody. But so few people understand the depth beneath skin here. It's why I could never look at Clint the same way after our first initial conversation - the make up of it all is just missing. I'd starve for a story he doesn't have.
That is what initially draws me into people you know, I look at them and instantly can read if there is something beneath. There is no such thing as love at first sight - how ever there is such thing as a longing to understand the mystery during the initial glance. It's why I fell for Dan so hard. I wanted to get in so bad and find out what he was all about because he was so different - he had a story. It took me three years to discover that his story wasn't something you can put into words - it's simply an understanding. Everyone used to tell me that I knew Dan more than anyone but I felt like I couldn't grasp what it was he was hiding. He had this side to him I couldn't keep away from because I figured if he kept it to himself then it truly had to be amazing. Sometimes, there are parts I still can't begin to understand - in some sense, he'll always be a mystery to me.
I need to get out of this house. I think I'm going to head down to Jacks for a drink with Papa E.
-- ♥
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