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[09 Aug 2007|04:11pm] |
I haven't written in awhile. I haven't really said how I've felt either. about anything. I just feel too lazy to confront anything important going on in my life right now. I know I haven't responded to Emily, and I also know I've been really hurt by whats been going on between us. But more than anything, I've been trying to avoid the 'Rachael route' through all of this. And it's sad that I fucked up a friendship with someone so important to me at a point in my life that I can dub it a name. I think I was afraid if I said anything about what was going on between Emily and I it would take on the same effect that it did with Rachael a few years back. Aside from that, I thought I was going crazy and maybe I was the only one seeing that our friendship was completely messed up since I'd gotten home from Hopetown, and possibly before.
I've been missing Rachael a lot lately. When I got home from Bethany all I could think about was how her personality and our compatibility had filled this gap. I pushed her away when I felt suffocated. But when I pushed her away I lost track of time by the time I was ready to apologize, we were practically strangers. I still haven't apologized, I sometimes think we're too far past apologies. Truth said: it was all my fault. I didn't cope with how I felt, I didn't tell her how I felt, and it exploded into something unnecessary. I didn't handle it right and as a result I lost a really good friend. I miss Rachael so much sometimes in the weirdest moments. When I hear 'Cute Without the E' or think of Paradise Island in the Bahamas or someone mentions camping.
I don't want to sabotage another important friendship like that. I guess when Emily and Hoobs came into my life it was a huge blessing. They came in as Rachael left so I wasn't noticing the true suckiness of losing a best friend. I lost one, but as I was losing one I was gaining and learning about two more. It wasn't until after the transformation that I realized I had initially fucked things up with Rachael.
For some reason this summer with Emily I've felt that same overwhelming-ness of not knowing how to handle what was happening to our friendship. Things had changed; that much was obvious. But I felt that Emily was angry about everything that happened this summer. I felt that all of that anger was being put towards me. I don't even know if it really was, but it felt like it because when it came down to everything, I was dating her brother. That in itself was enough to piss her off. But even when Hoobs lingered away to the bars with Christine and all the random people, I felt that it was my fault. I felt that summer 07 being a bust in its entirety was my fault. Nobody made me feel that blame, but I felt it nonetheless.
I don't know how to pinpoint what's been wrong with me and Emily. And when I think about it, that's exactly what happened with Rachael and I. I didn't know what the problem was so when she did one thing to piss me off (the blurty incident) all my emotions came flying at once. Scared that I would repeat the 'Rachael incident' I didn't say anything at all and just let it play out. Maybe we just needed a vacation together, to maybe we just needed a break, to now where I don't know what it is our friendship needs. I don't know how to fix it, I don't know whats wrong, I don't know when it went wrong, but I keep thinking that maybe if I pretend everything is okay, it will go back to being okay. I don't have the slightest solution to everything right now. I'm just trying not to mess it up like I've done before. It's been two years since Rachael and I stopped being friends, I'm still making attempts and phone calls to rekindle our friendship, but I'm realizing now that once you seperate so far from a person, it's often hard to go back to where you once stood. It's the same reason Ben and I can't be friends again, it's the same reason Alex and I really didn't hang out when he came back to Towson... it's the same reason it happens with every single person.
On another note, today was my last day working with Josh. It's weird how quickly he entred, impacted, and left my life. I'm grateful for having him as a summer friend, and I'm completely content with saying goodbye to him as well. I think we learned a lot through each other. We had really good conversations and as we were beating the shit out of each other today at work I turned to him "you know, you really took on this big brother figure in my life this summer, I'm kind of going to miss it". And it's the truth, we fought like Bobby and I used, and still do, fight. We plucked each others nerves and pissed each other off when we were bored. But we also talk about our feelings for other people and gave each other advice.
I can feel this summer winding down. I've been doing a lot of cleaning and a lot of throwing things out and putting things away. I'm moving on to something new pretty soon. My group of friends is once again going to change with the change of the season. I don't know if I'm ready or scared, maybe a bit of both.
P.S. tomorrow I turn 19 :-)
♥
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