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[07 May 2007|09:56pm] |
I'm stuck on this whole topic of appreciation lately. I think I needed the past two weeks to remind me how valuable free time really is. I've never cherished an empty Monday so much as I have today. I found old cd's, made a 54 dollar trip to Michaels, and just finished a really cute collage off chrissys pictures from yesterday.
This weekend went well I think. My breakdown on Daniel scared me, and more so, him. I knew I needed to just relax this weekend but Saturday night I found myself so tired and so strung out from stress, I couldn't sleep. I got out of bed finally and remained awake till 430am. I woke up at 8 for work and training. I knew I needed a nap after that Sunday - I was reaching this dangerous level of overload. I could feel my body physically shutting down on me but I wanted so badly to keep going until I got back to school. The hardest part would be the drive.
I reached a state of delirium on the drive last night. Not the exaggerative, metaphorical delirium, but the literal kind. The kind where I lost my vision so that everything became a giant cloud of lights in front of me. My mental actions couldn't keep up with my physical ones. I lost sense of my words in the last half hour of the drive. I could feel my body collapsing.
I made it here alright and while I'm still exhausted as hell, I have time to catch up. I'm hoping these next few days are a recovering process.
I got a letter that struck me so intensley. "I'm sorry for the way I abused our friendship this last year. I am ashamed that I drove you to almost walk away from me. You are almost at that point, I can see it in your eyes when we hang out. Just know that now is when I truely believe I'm finding out who I am and I don't like that person I have become."
I didn't know what to say or how to respond. I guess Sunday just took its place of any words. We spent the day together. Chrissy, Bobby, Dan and I. We went to hightops for lunch and spent the day drinking margaritas and smoking hookah on the back porch. For dinner we headed over to the Haydens for chicken. I know mom would be so angry at me if she knew I accepted a dinner invite from them because it would make me look-- I don't know the word, but whatever. I was hungry and he's my brother - and I think now him and I can atleast make an attempt to fix things. But as we left mid day to make the margaritas Mr Hayden turned around and hugged me: "I love you" - "I know, I miss you and I love you too". Hearing Mr Hayden say I love you made me break all over again inside. I had to hold my breath for a few minutes to keep myself together, but I know we're going to be okay. Maybe our parents will never fix things - but I can't live my life based on how things happen with our parents. They're seperate situations. Maybe christmas eve will never happen again for all I know. But Bobby is always going to be in my life.
Anyway, I'm going to go start my jewelry making :)
Byeee <33
ps. I'm completely in love with this picture:
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