| A new side of me. |
[18 Nov 2006|10:02am] |
I'm too mature.
Sitting at the computer last night during Chrissys Indian party at JMU I thought of how much I didn't feel like participating. In a typical situation getting drunk would be my easiest way out of stress. But my problems were bigger than stress - they wouldn't be solved until I did something about them myself. So I sat at the computer and stared at my laptop from across the room, wanting nothing more than to open it up and begin writing my 7 page essay on Marriages in Florence during the 13th century. I knew better, however. It was 12:30 in the morning and despite that I was sober, that paper was 30% of my grade - it had to be damn good.
I'm too immature.
"I just did a keg stand! I'm bringing home a keg for Saturday!" - maybe in those ways I'll never measure up. I'm a freshman trying to act older than I am. This is my time to be frivolous. I can't force myself along simply to appeal to others. I've got alot more mistakes to make. I'm going to make them - conciously, and unconciously. I've made it okay this far, I think slipping and falling on my ass a few more times won't kill me. In the meantime, I've got to stop striving to be who I'm not. I'm not a sophmore in college. I don't understand alot of things. accept it... or don't. I can't change everything about myself.
I've been let in.
atleast I thought I had been. but here I go, taking chances and applying too much hope to situations. because as everything, every time I get to close, someone gets scared. and just as soon as I've been let in...
Ive been shut out.
"Me saying anything wouldnt have made difference" - hi, are you that fucking stupid? Saying something would have changed everything. The problem from the start was you obviously not caring. That's what happens after you spend so much time getting close to someone and then months and months later, nothing. I wish I could yell now - but he wouldn't care because the walls back up. I again made the mistake. Except it wasn't a mistake. It was a concious decision I had applied myself too. I did something for myself for the first time in a year and a half. I tried things with a boy I actually had feelings for. and okay, it failed, but I'm not going to sit here and say I regret it. I don't regret any of it except for hanging around so long I broke myself down. That was my only mistake.
Here's something I'm putting out there. for everyone who is never going to see this: I'm glad I lost my virginity to Ben. So sweet, judge me because I hadn't been going out with him for a year and wasn't in love. I'm 18. He made me feel comfortable which is an extremely rare thing for me. and quite frankly, I didn't want my first time to be with someone I loved.
Last night I was upset - this morning I'm just mad.
mad that I have three people who matter to me, judging me.
mad because last night was the first night in a month I slept well.
mad because my trust is getting broken entirely too often.
mad because I can't move on.
mad because my school is so fucking hard it consumes 80% of my thoughts.
mad because my options are limited.
and isn't this a new emotion to me? anger?
it's somewhat relieving. and while it's probably freaking everybody out. I have just as much right to it as everyone else. Too many people have been taking advantage of my modesty lately and I'm pissed as hell.
I'm in the "I-dont-know-where-I'm-headed" scrambling process of trying to figure out what's right.
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