|
[29 Sep 2006|10:58am] |
You marry a role
and you give up your soul
till you breakdown
I went to Jacks Mannequin last night. I thought about alot of things. because I can put something to every song. every single song matches up to something. See, usually Something Corporate reminds me of The Sell Outs. and the newer Jacks Mannequin reminds me of The Bethany Crew.
I started thinking about Ashly though. I started thinking about who I was and who I was with the last time I saw Andrew McMahon and I couldn't help but smile to myself. Bryce. Ashly. Rachael. We were so young. at the time - we felt so old. Me and the Moon. I loved that song. now all it does is remind me of the people who meant something to me.
I started thinking about how I felt and who I was with the last time I was at sonar. Dan and Steve. and Switchfoot sang On Fire and I had to turn away because my eyes were filling up with tears and I thought I was going to cry. and it was all so overwhelming. because I knew I was going away for college at that point and didnt want to. and then it was like a flash-forward to now. and there's so much I have to figure out with Ben I can't begin to start, but I've changed so much from then as well. I thought alot when Rescued and Dark blue came on. Dark blue because thats what Dan put up as his away message one night after Senior Week when I has pissed him off. All he had put up were the words Dark Blue and I didn't understand why. and I clicked on the song to hear the first lines: "I have, I have you breathing down my neck, breathing down my neck - I dont, dont know what you could possibly expect under this condition - I'll wait, I'll wait for the ambulance to come pick us up off the floor, what did you possibly expect under this condition?" - and then Bens arms wrapped around me. and I realized that despite this shitty mood I'd been internally coping with since I said hello to him that night, was gone. I was so tired I hadn't even wanted to talk - and we didnt even slow down since we met up because we went straight from my car, to the den, to switching cars, to downtown and getting lost and frustrated and dealing with stupid people at Citgo. The only thing I realized I had wanted all week was a hug.
I'm done writing your book
the ending got twisted around
for all of the hell that it took...
I looked behind me and saw Tim. Smiling. and it was bizarre. because I never actually looked at him with Dani. I never acknowledged the change, I stood by Ashly through it all and I realized I couldn't be this way forever. I wanted to start over. whether Dani knew who I was or not. "Hi, I'm Sam, I don't know if we've ever been actually introduced or not." She wasn't the type of person I expected her to be - because I had judged her before meeting her. All I knew was she changed who we all were by taking one more person away. and I guess in my mind I truly believed Tim and Ashly were going to be together forever.
In a way, starting over by introducing myself to Dani, was starting over with Tim. I've never known Tim. I still don't know Tim. yet I've formed my opinions. My likes, and dislikes. I have this entire person made up from others stories and words. It's been four years. I don't want to be that shallow.
I found myself upset and beaming at the same time. Becuase four years later, here I still was at an Andrew McMahon show. His band had changed. It was newer and different. We'd changed. We'd grown up and gone seperate ways - yet I still have this amazing connection when I think of those people. Driving past the wine merchant yesterday I wondered if I should stop in to say Hi to Max. I always think that when I pass by but then I realized, I didn't even know if he worked there anymore. and shouldn't he be in California right about now? It's funny where your dreams take you.
I think a good half of us were supposed to wind up on the west coast. Atleast Ashly Tim Brendan and Max were. Bryce was going to be some huge big doctor. Laura, a cosmetic whatever the hell theyre called, and if I'm not mistaken, she's actually followed that one? - I never knew where I was headed. The islands. I always said the islands. but I didn't care for the west coast. I'd come up with the idea that it was overrated before I'd ever seen it. and Rachael - hahah God, Rachael. She was always just floating there - happy, and I don't even know where she was at the time, let alone where she would be.
Sometimes it's all too much to think about. Change. and as much as it surprisingly hurt me to see Tim with this new girl, and not Ashly, at the same time I was happy, because he was smiling. and while I hated to see Ashly suffer through that break-up, atleast it's good to see it's for the right reasons. Ashly will heal, and never forget Tim, but she'll find someone again. In time. and maybe Dani really does make Tim happy. I can't judge that anymore. I don't know, and I never have known. But his smile last night was enough to cause another change in me. We're always changing.
You have my attention
like you've had all the while
We caught the last song of Copeland. You have my attention. I thought about Bryce. He's so fucking happy with Amanda that I can't express how happy that makes me. He found someone who can return everything he feels. and he deserves it. He deserves every ounce of love that girl has to give him because that boys heart is bigger thany anyone I've come across.
and while I want to tell him to kiss my ass for the IM pertaining to Katrina yesterday, it's things like last night that make me ignore the dumb shit. because atleast years later, he's still around. not all the time. none of them are around all the time. some of them are even gone completely. but it's always comforting to talk to them.
-edit-
I'm tired still. I'm crawling back into bed. I love my bed.
byeee loves. ♥
|
|
|
[29 Sep 2006|04:44pm] |
Wow home isn't as fun when everyones busy. but it's better than being bored in my dorm.
Had breakfast with Kathleen this morning which was nice. Came to the realization that Dan is always going to suck on some levels hahah. we were gonna grab lunch today and he came up with the idea that we could just go to his house and make lunch or grab strapasta. I was fine with that, I kind of wanted to see what he's claimed to learn to cook since he does oh so often hahah. but of course, despite that for the first time ever he actually was interested in going to lunch, something came up. and ok, it was band practice, but still haha. he shouldve managed his time more. but apparently we're getting dinner? but I dont know if I want to do that bc I want to go hang out with Ashly.
I hate not having a phone dammit. I can't call everyone bc I have nobodys numbers. I might go get a haircut. hmm. there's an idea. but then once I'm out in towson I have no phone to call ashly or ben or dan. and ben is sleeping. I'm not used to being home with nothing to dooooo. and my hair is like shit today without my straightenerrrr. lates.
♥
|
|