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[18 Sep 2006|08:59am] |
Lately Hopetown has been on my mind alot. I don't know how I'm going to write this entry simply because I feel unable to function. The second I finish, I'm crawling into bed and sleeping until my next class. 8am's absolutely kill me and I remember nothing of what I learned. I sit there like a zombie for an hour straight counting the time literally every two minutes until we're excused.
Walking back to the dorm this morning I had another Hopetown flash. and it's so bizarre because it makes me feel insane. It's like the real world around me drops back and clips of being in Hopetown over take my mind. Like yesterday when everything went to me and Paypay sitting in the last booth at Jack's. It was the day I was doing my homework, around lunch time, and I had stopped to ask him about his necklace and what it stood for. The entire scene just replayed in my mind until I came back to reality.
Today wasn't anything special. I stopped myself from thinking of it too much because I was beginning to worry about myself. But basically, it was the sunrise from Coconut Cottage on the front porch. and it was beautiful. and maybe I keep having all these daydreams because for the first time in my life I'm realizing the impact of exhaustion and how much a vacation is needed. I'm so used to being pampered. When I'm too stressed out, hopetown is always a few weeks away. Or, like I did after senior week, I could just go online and buy myself tickets out of the country (and okay, maybe that was a little extreme but I really hated parts of senior week and wanted to escape them so at the time, leaving the country seemed to be the best solution).
I know I'm going to be so grateful when I get down there this Christmas. But it's so weird knowing I won't be spending thanksgiving there. And now I'm beginning to wonder who I'll be spending thanksgiving with? because it's not as if I like my family. I liked my Hopetown Thanksgivings. With the Masons, and Erika and Dewey, and Justins aunt... it felt more like family than my family here. and then after dinner me and Delaney always go play on the beach and leap off the dunes.
I want to be there so bad. Just for a day even. It would work wonders on me because I know the way that everythings just piled on since June has just been pushing me down. graduation. coaches death. my family fight in August. Leaving for my first year of college. being away from home. missing Ben. wanting to constantly just see Emily and Maryhelen. letting myself lose contact with Dan and Bobby who were the two most important guys in my life. schoolwork. I feel like the real world has already hit me. I felt that way early August. I was just shy of 18 and all the sudden I felt like a tidle wave hit me and I was doing everything to stay grounded. Which I did, but I know I wouldn't have been able to without Emily.
How the hell did I start talking about all this shit? I'm done talking about needing a vacation. I sound like a whiney brat haha.
Anyway. this weekend. I couldn't have asked for a better return back to Baltimore. It was seriously everything I wanted with everyone I wanted to see. Friday I came home, hung around the house, went over to the Fustings for half an hour to talk with them. Met up with Ben. Saw the hypnosis show and rolled in sometime around 1. The next morning I slept in. Went to target and the mall then met up with Kathleen at White Marsh (again with the hopetown thing - I keep wanting to say Marsh Harbour haha). came home for a bit and then headed back up to meet Benjamin. We went to a party. Drank. to put it simply hahaha. someeehoww made it back to his dorm. Woke up at 8am, dragged him out of his hangover (which was the funniest thing of my life) and headed off to meet my parents, Mr hayden, and lauren for the Ravens game. which we won ps.
After the game I was so tired. I wanted to sleep in the car. and then I wanted to sleep once I was inside. But I wanted to talk to Ben more, only when I wanted to get my words out nothing would come. I guess the weekend had just been really good and the last thing I wanted was to spoil it by acting like a bitch.
-edit-
I could keep writing alot and alot. but I just realized what time it is and I'm wasting sleep time so I'm just going to finish this laterrr. I loveee you all and miss home alot. ♥
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[18 Sep 2006|06:42pm] |
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The Happy Song | Tracing Skylines |
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hahaha I'm listening to Dan and Brians happy song. It always makes me laugh and puts me in a good mood if I haven't heard for awhile. I've been talking to everyone from home today and it's the first time it hasn't made me sad, just put me in a really good mood. I talked to Maryhelen for half an hour. then Chrissy called while I was on the line so I have to call her back in a second. I called Dan today too but he was at band practice.
I talked to MHB today about shit that bothers me. and the solutions. the ones that worked in the past. the ones I hate but will do anyway to prove how much I care. I suppose this doesn't make sense to anyone reading it except her.
I have so much reading to do tonight but I don't feel like doing it. and I have a paper to write. I have so much work to do this week, yet it's not really overwhelming me. I've gotten into this idea that this is part of the shit I have to deal with in life and it's going to make me appreciate the good moments more. I've started appreciating more too. I find atleast one moment out of everything I do that makes me happy to appreciate. Like this weekend. I completely lived in the moment and it was great. I mean, I guess compared to typical home life my weekend wasn't all that special, but I put so much of myself into it that it seemed amazing.
I realized I'm going to be seeing my parents 3 weeks in a row hahaha. thats a little much. but whatever. I was home this weekend - they come this coming weekend - and the following weekend I'm back home again for Jacks Mannequin!!! (which I really need to get tickets for)
I love Jeika so much too. she's chilling outside smoking black&milds. I just took a few drags through the window. she reminds me of a model Tyler Shields would use in his photography. her style. I'm taking her up to get cigs in a few moments - I suppose whenever I finish writing this? I need to get a roll on this paper - I'm in the mood for letting go of reality and the liquor is really calling my name.
Anyway... there's no aim to my writing. I'm gonna go listen to foo fighters and find Jeika. I loveeee my friends and home. :-) so much love. ♥
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[18 Sep 2006|11:36pm] |
I was talking to the girls alot today at dinner. about what I really want and trying to admit it to myself without letting everyone elses influence play a part. and I keep thinking of Dan's stay song where it's like "it's your life" because it applies to me so much and how I didnt want to go away. The thing is - I always try to make the best of situations. and I am making the best of the situation. but you can only make the best of something so much. I guess I sound really lame since I've only been here for 3 weeks - but it's not the fact that I haven't met people - it's just campus life.
I talked to Dan a little bit ago about how I wanted to come back to Towson but if I did it would look like I was doing it for the wrong reasons. and that's exactly why everyone told me I had to go away. "you're only staying for Dan, you think if you stick around something will happen" but that wasn't it - I really, truely wanted to be here for me. and now that I'm with Ben it's "you just miss Ben and need to stop going home"
LilRoxybabe8188: I want to go to towson
LilRoxybabe8188: still
ThexSundayxDrive: this is shu you should def come
ThexSundayxDrive: FAG!!!
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LilRoxybabe8188: what are you all up to tonight?
LilRoxybabe8188: watching the game?
ThexSundayxDrive: yeah were all just hanging out
ThexSundayxDrive: i think dan invited jay to come by for a little
hahaha even dans roomates are cool.
and bens friends are so awesome.
and I mean the people here are awesome.
but I can't help but wonder what the hell I'm doing here.
I'm gonna go drink and talk to ashley bc I'm neglecting her.
byeee ♥
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