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Samantha

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[27 Jan 2012|01:26pm]
I'm not too sure where the inspiration came from this week, or what stemmed it, but I've done a 180 with my eating habits over the last five days. It's not that I want to lose weight, though a few pounds would be great, but I want to tone up. Namely my stomach.

I went to the grocery store at the beginning of the week and purchased healthy foods. I purchased only fruits and vegetables, with the addition of some fresh salmon, ham, and turkey. I suppose it's that I've been surrounding myself with motivation. I began following healthy and fit tumblr blogs. Not the scary ones that are focused no dropping pounds, but the positive kind that remind you about the importance of eating healthy.

If I were to have actually logged in my food intake this week I'd probably amaze just about everyone I know. I'm someone who typically eats out at least once a day. It's grown to be a problem. While I know I can't totally restrict myself from these indulgences, I am trying to switch up my M-F appetite and save the smothered tots for the weekend. I'm amazed that with the exception of drinking alcohol Wednesday night, I've stuck to it 100%

The thing is... it hasn't been that difficult. As soon as I switched my diet I immediately started to feel better. I feel more energized. More... clear if that makes sense. And I'm hoping I can stick to this. I hope this isn't just a week thing. Because I can feel the improvements over the course of five days already. Here's to wishful thinking!
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[25 Jan 2012|11:28am]
A short list of things I'm working on:

• Eating more home-cooked meals
• Eating more fruits and vegetables on a daily basis
• Working out again. In any form. Be it treadmill, weights, crunches.
• My posture at work.
• Organizing my life.
• Going to bed early and waking up early.
• The present. Right now.
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[24 Jan 2012|07:53pm]
I don't know why I feel so uncomfortable about the situation that took place. My mom just called me from Key West and asked me to come down Thurs-Sun. I told her I couldn't. This is a lie, as I really have nothing going on until my new job starts. But I lied and said I had work. She started crying on the other end of the line.

I'm sitting here thinking about it and it's putting me in a bad mood. I feel guilty but I don't want to feel guilty. I feel like I shouldn't have to feel bad that I don't want to go visit Key West. They're the ones who decided to live there for three months. Why is it my fault that I don't want to just drop my life with a 48 hour notice and go stay there for 5 days? Why should I just have to drop what I'm doing? I already do everything according to them.

I know this is not about Key West. This is about built up frustration I have for feeling like I'm not living my own life. Because I'm still under their wing at my dads company, care-taking for them, paying their bills, etc. I feel like this is the only thing I can control. At least with them not here or not being around them I am breathing a little bit more. I just feel pretty shitty about feeling that way.
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[19 Jan 2012|01:44pm]
I feel like this past week has been a whirlwind. I've found myself extraordinarily tired, going to bed every night at 10pm with the exception of Friday when I actually made it downtown for drinks. Saturday I remained on the couch and this week has slipped by in a blur as I've prepared for three interviews and a formal ball.

My week started with a lot of hope but around yesterday it started to fizzle. I was not so excited about the first phone interview. The job description over the phone seemed very different than the posting. On top of that, my interview yesterday was a giant waste of 2-3 hours and left me to learn the position wasn't even currently open. By yesterday evening all I wanted was a heavy glass of wine. I sautéed up some coconut curry veggies and indulged in just that with Annie, Jen, and Ramps.

I headed to the city today banking on this job being my last option. Being a city job, nobody has any idea what is going on. The security guard wouldn't allow me to park because he said my name was marked down for an appt at noon, leaving me to spend an hour driving around the city looking for parking. Once I finally made it inside the building at 10:30, the HR rep gave me some nonsense about how she told me to be here at 8:30am for paperwork. False. Completely false. She told me "Come on in anytime after 9:30'. I of course apologized for this misunderstanding though and explained the parking incident (there really was nothing I could do about that situation - she had given him the memo that I was coming at noon). She warmed up to me quick and next thing I know I was walking five blocks in my 4-inch heels down the streets of Baltimore to the clinic for drug-testing. After an hour there I passed and headed back to the office to meet with the managers. But they'd gone off site for a project so I headed back to HR to figure out at least the basics (hours, wage, etc). Turns out I get to decide part/full-time and I'll be making $14/hr. It's not great pay by any means. It's a dollar less than what I'm making now. But I'll take it!! With so many opportunities to make new connections and meet new people, how could I not?

So I have a job. I work for the city and I get to drive from the county to the city every morning and bitch about traffic and wake up extra early to shower and look nice. I keep thinking about all these shitty things that make up a real job. I'm excited for them. I'm genuinely looking forward to delving into something real. To working in the city! In an office building with security and important people and networking opportunities! I owe Jason the world, as he is the sole reason I even had this opportunity. He is such a wonderful friend and I'm really grateful that he messaged me about this position last week.

For now I get to finish out the remainder of the week at my dads. I'm going to bust out as much of this GSA as I can with my co-workers help. Tonight I'm grabbing sushi with Annie and Felts and possibly going for drinks. Tomorrow I have Noah's ball! I'm almost prepared. My gown is at the dry cleaners, my nails are manicured, my eyebrows are waxed, my lingerie has been purchased (a hilarious story for another entry). All I need is to figure out my shoe situation, figure a time to meet with Jen for my eye make-up, and go in for my hair appointment with Kelly! I can't wait! I feel like a little girl the way I've been gushing all week.

So much going on and so many changes. I'm happy. I hope things continue on this path.
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[13 Jan 2012|09:55am]
I'm trying to do this thing where I get back to the people who bring me the greatest happiness. Tuesday night I had Josh over for sushi and tonight I'm going to a Potluck at Lia's. I'm so excited! Despite all of us being in Baltimore now, I still rarely see Chrissy, Maryhelen, Lia, Brian, or Kevin. I can't wait to be reunited with them tonight. Just the small group of us like old times. I'm bringing crab dip and tomatoes w mozzarella. I hope afterwards we all find ourselves singing karaoke at Waltz Inn, the dive bar on the corner.

In other news, it would be great if I could feel better. I have been taking it easy since I got home from the Bahamas. Every night I've been in bed before 10 or 10:30. I've been drinking water, green tea, and eating home cooked meals. I've been focusing on my health because I really did cause some damage. But Wednesday night I experienced so many muscle cramps that by the fourth one I was almost in tears. Noah says it's a sign that I'm still really dehydrated. I don't understand how. I was hoping to be well enough to have a few drinks tonight, but we'll see. The thought of alcohol is still making me cringe.
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[12 Dec 2011|09:38am]
Having my username appear on blurty's homepage is a milestone in my journal-keeping. But it's also highly unsettling. Guess I'm going to have to start following Ashly's method and privatize everything.
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[30 Sep 2011|09:50am]
I love the Tumblr blogs I follow. It's only a few, but generally my dashboard feed is pretty entertaining. However, there is one pet peeve I need to get off my chest: what is with sixteen year old girls swooning over shirtless guys? I feel like recently 1 in 8 photos that shows up is a half naked underage kid. Perhaps this is my fault for not realizing that some of the themed blogs I follow are run by teenagers. But regardless... why are you reblogging naked little boys!?!?

I don't think I understand physical attraction to begin with. At sixteen I never looked at a guy pulling his boxers down to almost reveal his crotch as "attractive". Attractive was the fun, down-to-earth, ready to get his hands dirty kind of guy that you could have fun with. In my world a person doesn't become attractive until I know they are good and attractive on the inside.

I think about this now. Even at 23 as I've come to understand my sexual drive. I don't know if I've ever looked at a guy and thought "man, I want to fuck him". If I had, it's because paired with his attractiveness is some kind of energy he's emitting. And, well, you can't really pick up on energy through pictures. I just feel uncomfortable seeing 15 and 16 year old girls posting on their blog "Oh my god I want to fuck you" or "please be in my bed". WHAT! Go play some tag football and maybe makeout in your bedroom with the door open while your parents are home. Isn't that what you're supposed to be doing with boys at sixteen? Not reblogging crotch shots all over the internet.

I'm never having kids.
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[26 Sep 2011|10:03am]
It's like all of a sudden I just realized that I told my parents I don't want to go to Hopetown. I don't know why I said that to them two weeks ago. What was the driving force behind me thinking I should stay in Baltimore while they go to the Bahamas?

I feel as if a little piece of the magic in Hopetown is gone for me. As if I've forgotten that just because some of the people are missing doesn't mean it would be good for some personal soul-searching. Who says I should stay here in Baltimore and miss out on a week of personal growth? I always seem to find a bit of myself around Thanksgiving. But I think I know the real reason... Thanksgiving has always been my time in Hopetown for re-evaluating where I am. And who do I always do that with? Someone who is no longer here. I think part of me figured that with Perry gone, what's the point. Obviously this is ridiculous. My moments with him were not that encompassing. But still. Some part of the spirit there just feels dead. And I think that's why I'm realizing right now that that's why I should be going. To relight some spark associated with that place. And to spend Thanksgiving with my parents.
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[20 Sep 2011|10:20am]
I wrote about this in my blurty a few weeks back when Danny came to visit me the first time:

It was heightened by a really bizarre comment he made about Jack. He had asked where Jack was spending the night and I replied saying "I don't know" and he said "well shouldn't you know?" to which I said "I don't know where he sleeps. We're not super close like we used to be." I didn't say this with an attitude, just matter-of-factly. But I guess because he was drunk he thought it meant something different to which he said "Man you are bitter about him" to which I simply said "what!?" and he said "I don't know. Like LA. Can we be honest about this? I totally read you. It's not that hard. You hate LA because it took Jack away from you. And I don't hate on that. I totally get it. But it's more obvious than you think."

I think a lot about what Danny said. About how he thinks I'm bitter. Partially because he's brought it up several times. And as I always do when anyone makes any sort of judgement about me, I have thought it over and over and over. I think the reason I can't come to peace with it is because he's wrong. There is so much he doesn't know.

While I was in the shower last night it came to me again. Am I bitter at the thought of LA because it 'took Jack from me'? No. Of course I'm not. I'm bitter with Jack because he didn't tell me he was moving to LA. He'd talked about it as a hypothetical option. As something he would consider. And then one day I came to find he was already there. Recall this entry...

January 19th 2011. 6:41pm
...I just... can't believe how much this really was all me. I don't get it. I know this wasn't all me. I know you were clearly in this friendship. I didn't manipulate you or hold you in it against your will. And maybe it's not even about us and our friendship falling apart. Maybe this is just what happens when two people get involved with other people?

But still. I can't help but feel that I deserved to know this. I'm really fucking hurt that I didn't know this. Not that you're moving. Not that you're packing your things. But that you're already there. You are already THERE!

Maybe this is bringing me full circle to why I separated myself from the situation to begin with. Sometimes, despite all the things you've said to me, I don't know if I ever mattered at all.

I hope L.A. treats you well. And although I am so completely hurt, I mean it.


I don't know why I feel the need to clear this up. Maybe it's for myself. So that I'm not sitting here questioning, "am I bitter?" Because it's not about Jack and I not getting together. I always knew that would never work. At the time we had both moved on from any hook-up that had happened in the past. He was dating Holly and Noah and I were starting something. But I guess I still held our friendship to a certain degree despite where our paths were taking us. In that time we weren't so close he moved across the country and it made me feel like shit that he never told me. I had to find out from our friends and there was no hiding the look of shock on my face when I did. It was embarrassing and it made me feel like I had just imagined this entire history between us because all of these other people around me knew and I had no clue. I had no clue.
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[29 Jun 2011|03:13pm]
Job Hunting. These two words are taking up 80% of my life right now. I have a binder dedicated to job applications. Two folders. One spiral notebook. Job applications to fill out. A detailed list of every place I've applied, the position I applied for, and where I can find the Resume/Cover letter/Application on my harddrive. It is unbelievable. I have created a LinkedIn account, a career builders account, and a Monster account. I've created countless government accounts. I have spoken on the phone with my godfather who I haven't seen since my grandfathers funeral ten years ago. I am like a tiger on the prowl right now. And it is hard. It's going to be hard because I made the decision to dick around in college. I don't have any honors or awards to show for it. No internships. I knew it was going to be hard. But that is not making it any more fun.

I have this girl Beth coming over at 8:30 tonight to check out the place and see if she wants to move in this weekend. That would be a financial burden off my chest. But if she wasn't coming over I would most definitely be cooped up in Barnes & Noble with my laptop filling out more applications that I'm most likely not qualified for. Every place wants years of experience. Well I've worked with a few environmental programs. I've tackled some semester and year-long environmental projects with reports to go with them. But I've yet to have an environmental job or internship and that is making this difficult.

I'm going to find a job. It will happen. It's just going to be hell getting there.
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[12 Jun 2011|09:04am]
I don't have more than a minute to write this. But I feel so blessed today. I have this amazing family throwing me this unbelievable graduation party. In a few hours everyone that I love will be there to celebrate with me. I'm just filling over with love right now. I want to thank every single person in my life. I am just such a lucky, lucky girl. I never want to take for granted all that I have.
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[31 May 2011|07:43pm]
Just broke up with Noah. :(
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[27 May 2011|09:29am]
I'm just going to start dating the cardboard cut-out of the Most Interesting Man in the World since I see him more times a week than my real boyfriend.
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[20 May 2011|07:55pm]
Now that I'm finishing college I keep thinking about how Noah said I didn't have the normal college experience. When he said this I don't think he meant any harm. He wasn't saying it was a bad thing... he was just saying that it was different. And while I've always known it, I never really picked up on the little things until now. You know, I'm sifting through my school e-mail, checking if there's anything that needs saving before my account disappears into thin air, whenever that may be, and I can see how right he is. Because in between the Daily Digests and blackboard notifications are Real Estate e-mails from Damianos/Sothebys on properties in the Bahamas I might be interested in. And while everyone is cooped up in the library studying, I'm sprawled out on my basement steps staring at my brand new carpet that has managed to be the highlight of my week. I finish my Econ exam and I head to the bank to make sure my finances are on track so I can still pay off my mortgage.

While I didn't experience the "average college life" I think I squeezed out the important things: I went away. I came back. I made new friends. I kept in touch. I had a crazy roommate. and then I had another crazy roommate. until finally I got a cool roommate and a crazy cat. I joined a sorority. and then I quit because it sucked. I followed my boyfriend. and then we broke up. I started an organization and I watched it's rise and fall, success, and failure, and I supported it all the way. But most importantly I started off completely dependent and ended up discovering independence. While I'm only financially stable today because of the support I got from my family along the way, I feel confident that I could stand on my own two feet now. Because when things break I don't go crying right away. And when the 100lb furniture needs moving I don't ask anyone. I just do it.

I feel good about where I am in my life. Yeah, some things could be different - but that's how it goes with everyone. These past five years didn't wind up anything like I imagined. But I think that's good because it brought me experience. I overcame the biggest heartache of my life, but I learned how to sort it through. I think that will be one of the most pivotal moments in my college career: finding myself after Dan.

It's weird not having a new chapter to emerge myself into. Leaving college is like walking into this vast area full of opportunity and lacking direction. I have no idea where I'm going to be a few years from now, or even next month. I guess that's the beauty in it.

Here's to closing one chapter and opening a new. I've just got one more exam to crack through and then it's official.
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[18 May 2011|10:16am]
So Josh (tattoo artists) is rocking right now. I went in to meet with him yesterday afternoon to get my tattoo. I was slightly nervous because I hadn't seen any sketches and I was basically just going to be deciding on one and getting it done right there. But he totally blew my mind. He showed me two sketches: one small, just what I described, but less detailed and more cartoony. It looked good! But the one beside it blew my mind. It was everything I could have wanted if I could sketch it up. It was intricate. The downfall? Much bigger. Bigger is fine... but it of course meant two things: more money and more time. I couldn't help myself from getting it. So my $250 tattoo that was expected to take two hours to complete has turned into a three-session project that will cost me about $600-800 by the end of summer.

Anyway. This is only session one so it's just the outline and a litttleee bit of color. I have to let it heal for four weeks and I meet with him again the second week of June.



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[10 May 2011|02:44pm]
I just scheduled my tattoo appointment. I am SO nervous/stoked/excited/ah! I have been wanting this for over a year. Now that I've planned the date and it's actually real I'm freaking out. I know that I want it and I know it will be amazing but I want it to be perfect so I'm just nervous. But I'm excited nervous. Seeing Jessies tattoos at the beach just verified how much I want this.

I met with Josh over three weeks ago. I feel bad about that because I know he is a highly demanded tattoo artist and it's difficult for him to find time to squeeze people in. So the fact that I didn't contact him after our consultation made me feel like a bitch. I emailed him yesterday afternoon saying that I still want my tattoo and sorry it's been three weeks but I'd love to go ahead and schedule it. Well he must be really busy because he called me back to ask what size my foot is on the voicemail hahah.

Luckily he's a cool dude so I called him back and told him he has me confused with someone else and that I was the chic who wants the tat on the ribcage. So... I guess we'll see. Next Tuesday at 6pm it is happening. AH! Going to be crazyyy!
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[10 May 2011|10:29am]
A few beach pictures :)



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[27 Apr 2011|10:35am]
Tentative May Schedule

5/6-5/8 - Ocean City with Annie, Jessie, Mere, Marc, Felts, Brian, & etc for Jessies birthday!
5/13 - Noah's 30th Birthday
5/14 - Rachaels Grad Party and Maryvales 5-Year Reunion in the city
5/17-5/19 - Key West!! (I'd go earlier/longer but I don't feel comfortable missing any class before finals)
5/20 - Econ Final
5/21 - Beer Olympics
5/23 - Biology Final (aka my LAST final EVER!)
5/?? - Graduation? But I'm not walking so this is irrelevant
and hopefullyyy 5/27-5/29 - Canada to visit Misty & Bex
6/2-6/5 - Ocean City with Ashley and Pat
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[13 Apr 2011|10:07am]
I'm starting to get into routines that I'm really, really enjoying. Last night was great and I'm glad I did things for me. I've realized through my recent talks with Noah that I need to do this more. Instead of waiting around to see what happens with us, I need to do my own thing and when he's free, well then we can hang out.

I left work early yesterday at 4pm to go pick up a Burdick pass for Chrissy. At 4:30 we met up with Derito and Hirsch and went bouldering. It was so much fun!!! Instead of being stressed about my performance I was having a really good time just trying to work all the climbs out with three good friends who are on the same climbing level as me. Chrissy did great for her first time climbing! And Mike really impressed me with his ability to just go for the climbs without fear. It was fun. I got a lot of climbs under my belt, more than I was able to get done last semester, and it felt really good!

After climbing I came home and watched Food Revolution but after it was over I found myself bored and in a funk (the one I wrote about last night) so I went running in the pouring rain. It was awesome. It felt refreshing and the combination of rain and warming weather made me feel like I could just breathe in everything around me (good air, not nasty Towson tar).

When I got back at 9:30 Annie informed me I had 30 minutes to get ready for Sonic. We were leaving at 10 with Jen and Ramps. And to Sonic we went. I have to admit, I was a little less than impressed. They put cinnamon on their onion rings (ew) and the hickory sauce drenched all over my bacon cheeseburger isn't exactly what I was in the mood for. Aside from this, having watched Food Revolution, all I could think about was what was in my food. Thus, I consumed maybe half my sandwich? The rest I trashed.

We made it to the liquor store by midnight. Annie picked up a bottle of white and we headed back to our place with Jen and Ramps to watch 1,000 Ways to Die and Ninja Warrior hahaha. Around 1am I checked in with Noah (who had decided to go to the bar by himself once his friends left - weird) and hit the sack.

Today we're supposed to grill. I have a feeling it's going to rain out and/or be too cold which is a bummer. I figure if we do get rained out though Josh and I can go to the Invisible Children screening. It'd be really nice though if the weather took a turn and we were all able to hang out. I could use a post-work cookout.

And of course, tomorrow is kickballl!!! So stoked! I need to get the rulebook from James so I can read up on it.

Sidenote: I got a B on my Cellular Biology exam. I know this isn't impressive to most people. But for me this is a milestone because I have struggled with this material more times than I can begin to list. It has killed my confidence that despite rocking through all my upper level science labs I was incapable of passing through the entry level course. I know this is because they use it as a sorting tool, but after proving I am capable in 400 level laboratory courses, it was frustrating to not pass 201. However, with this grade I am officially on track for passing through this time and I can finally breathe realizing that graduation this May is going to happen. If all goes as planned, in 5 weeks I will officially have a B.S. in Science and Mathematics from Towson U and while that also may not be the most impressive thing to some people, the last few classes have been the most challenging and I'm so proud of myself for graduating in a major I never in a million years thought I'd be able to handle. Every pre-college version of myself would think it was a joke. Science and Mathematics. Why in gods name did I put myself through that for five years? It's as if I planned out the most difficult track for my abilities. But I'm almost thereee!
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[03 Apr 2011|09:43pm]
There is this jar that sits on a shelf in my bedroom. I put it together my junior year of high school with intent to give it to someone I loved. It’s made up of recycled beach matter: tethered ropes, seaglass, washed up debris from the Challenger, shells… all the things that jarred up my home this person wanted to understand.

I don’t know why but looking at it just reminded me of how easily I can feel like my efforts don’t matter. All the time spent putting that together for someone who turned out to not want it. I know I’m just sleepy and bummed because today went nothing like how I wanted it to. I’ve spent all day with my face planted in my biology book.

I guess I wish I could crumple this day up into something tangible and place it next to this jar. because the feelings I associate with that compilation of beach items goes hand-in-hand with my feelings about this day.

what a bust.
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