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[07 Dec 2010|09:47pm] |
say anything :-)
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[19 Nov 2009|10:33am] |
Mom and Dad are home. And they brought me conch they caught while conching a few days ago. Jen tweeted me saying 'caught' is probably not the correct verb since conch don't technically flee from you, so what verb do I use? dove for? gathered? I mean they're not picking berries so gathered doesn't work. Oh well. I suppose it doesn't really matter.
Needless to say Tantan just woke me up from my deep slumber. (I was having a bizarre dream). Looks like we're going up there to make conch salad! I am SO excited! It is going to be so satisfying and comforting to have some Bahamian food back in the states. It feels like it's going to be so unnatural... like seeing someone I only see there, here. I have such a difficult time separating the two worlds. Even Misty has never been here. I just see her in vacation world.
Ok, time to gooo! I cannot prolong this conch wait any longer. goodbye!
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[16 Nov 2009|04:08pm] |
Everyone (minus Amy who is taking the picture) before the boat trip.
'Peppercorn' turned over where they hit the rock. This is where they were stranded for 2-3 hours last night.
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[15 Nov 2009|11:10pm] |
I just experienced the worst surge of emotions I've ever felt in my life. I'm still coming out of shell shock. I can't stop shaking. Everything just happened so fast. I didn't even have time to process it until I heard my moms voice and I just lost it. Everything I couldn't grasp just came pouring out in about 10 minutes worth of sobbing.
Misty called me. I don't know what I thought she was calling for. Maybe she was planning Thanksgiving break and had decided she was going to come here? That's what I was expecting. I thought she was laughing when I answered the phone and then through broken sobs she managed to tell me that our parents had gotten in a boating accident coming home from dinner and she didn't know if they were okay but that it just came over the radio to Clint that their boat sunk.
I didn't even speak at first. I couldn't function. I just started violently shaking. and I called anyone. Chris who didn't answer and then Josh. It's weird - I didn't have any "one" to call - I was just calling the most recent faces I could picture in my mind. Josh didn't know what to say and I just started panicking and then Misty called again to say that all eight of them were on the rescue boat and my mom would call me.
After I hung up with her and realized they were alive I think everything just flooded me. I literally collapsed and was screaming I was crying so hard. And then my mom called and I was just sobbing, I couldn't stop we couldn't even speak we were just crying on the phone to each other. My dad had to take the phone from her after five minutes because he was afraid one of us was going to pass out. He was okay. His head is cut up pretty badly and he needs stitches.
Mom went to shower because she was shaking. We couldn't hold a conversation so it was for the best anyway. What do you say other than I love you when you experience that fear?
I called Misty. I said I'm sorry about Peppercorn and all we could do was say we really didn't even care about the damn boat, just thank God they're all okay. And we decided we'd talk tomorrow when we were composed. And then I was crying from relief and my mom called again to tell me how she was the only one who almost didn't make it and went through how it happened and I could barely listen and she could barely speak.
Apparently Jack they hit an island dead on. The moon is barely out tonight so they couldn't see a thing. The boat flipped over on top of them all. Everyone got out but apparently my mom was stuck in the wires and she thought she was just going to drown right then. Apparently Jack went back under the boat for her, untangled her and pulled her out.
This all happened hours ago, mind you. The eight of them (Mom, Dad, Jack, Lana, Mary Day, her husband, Pete, and Amy) all climbed on top of the overturned boat and sat on top while it veryyyy slowly sank for hours just screaming into the dark hoping someone would hear them. It took 2-3 hours and fortunately someone over on Pelican Cay could hear them screaming all the way across the water. Island Marine came and rescued them. Everyone is okay. It's a miracle that nobody did die. Lana says they all should have snapped their necks when it flipped on them. I can't even imagine what that feels like. To be going full speed across the water and in one second be suffocated by a boat trapping you under the water. I just can't. even after mom sat on the phone sobbing and telling me everything that happened.
I can't function. I need to calm down. and I need to see my parents.
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[14 Nov 2009|10:16am] |
Ohh I don't typically post from blogs but this is beautiful.
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[12 Nov 2009|10:30am] |
I should make better attempts at being friends with Rich. He is such an awesome guy/lab partner. He is also my neighbor so when I pulled in my driveway I was surprised to see his car at the end of my driveway. "Hey! Wow, I just realized I didn't even see you in the test - were you even there?" "Haha that is the exact reason I'm swinging by your house! I didn't see you either and I was afraid you missed it!" - how sweet. but still, I don't understand how I didn't see him. Probably because I was so indulged in my mini study group that formed half an hour began class.
I feel good about the test, but that is always a jynx so I'm going to not talk about it all together. I am amazed that I have not gone through crash mode yet. But it will come, I know it will come. While I'm energized I suppose I should put my spree towards cleaning and making lunch! Hello early weekend - I am retiring from doing any more school work this week. So it's a good thing I have nothing more to do! Except my I.C. meeting which reminds me that I need to sent out an e-mail statttt! Goodbye!
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[11 Nov 2009|08:19pm] |
I don't want to study chemistry. I want to write. reflect. drink coffee. I don't smoke but I could probably go for a cigarette right now too. I want to re-read all my highlights of 'Looking for Alaska' and I want to sit around and laugh at my life and the person I am. I really like myself and I think that is a good thing. Sometimes I get high off of my own thoughts. Tonight would be one of those nights. but I procrastinated. and now, rather than enjoying this perfect coffee with some intriguing words I have to do it over air pollutants and acid rain. bummer.
Tomorrow I will celebrate. I have all intentions of skipping my miserable transportation class and going to Chris, Matt, and Noel's show. I figure I haven't been to a full class yet, why start now? As far as my english professor knows I am home at my parents with the flu (which I most likely now have after running in the freezing rain) and, well, Ownby just likes me so he has been okay with my early leaves of absence. Like during our nature walk that I went to completely unprepared in 2 inch heel boots and my nice grey Express shirt and skinny jeans.
"I missed the part about lab being outside"
"Yeah, I mentioned it at the end of lecture this morning"
"Oh, yeah, thats why - I had to slip out early"
"Oh don't worry, I noticed"
"Sorryyyyyy"
& of course 40 minutes later
"You guys are flying through this lab... two at once?"
"I kind of have to leave in 5 minutes, thats why"
"You know lab is scheduled til 3:50"
"I know but we alwaysss get out by 2:30 and I am dirt poor... I had to take this shift I've got bills to pay and I can'ttt pay them"
Hahahha now that I'm writing out these conversations I'm realizing Ownby is shit cool. I actually really enjoy him as a professor. Probably because our class is small so we all know each other. I like that. I like that Rich and I are trying to plan out schedules together next semester because we get along so well as lab partners. I like that we can go to happy hour together and talk about our lives with each other. and that he calls me up to hang out sometimes but i'm always busy. and that he lives with drug dealers who he told me can get me weed at anytime. and wow this entry just took a random turn. I don't even know what I was originally talking about.
Oh! Raging. So tomorrow I will not go to class. I will go see Isthmus. and stand in a crowd with about 4 other metal kids in a frilly dress because I do not belong in that scene but am somehow fascinated by it anyway. And then I will drink heavily. because according to chris I am an alcoholic. and then Friday I will go to the Recher and see FiTH for the first time in a year. and then I will rage again for Garretts birthday. and then I am free from Chemistry for TWO WEEKS because Ownby is the shit and is letting us off. Which I'm actually kind of sad about because I really don't mind chem. I just mind it now because I'm not in the right frame of mind. God dammit. I'm going to study. Goodbye.
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[09 Nov 2009|08:21pm] |
Sometimes, I think I want to be Alaska.
I am going to go for a run. and then drink wine and be sad because I am alone. and think about the labyrinth of dying and John Greene's excellent words. and coach. and whether I'm a happy person who just hates to be by myself or a sad person who likes to fill up every chance of being sad with something to do, somewhere to go, someone to see. this of course is probably split right down the middle. i just tend to move back and forth between the two so easily. so hello, running shoes. i'm going to hit the pavement with a little passion pit, mogwai, and owl city because they're the only sounds that seem to satisfy my senses this week.
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[08 Nov 2009|06:15pm] |
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To Kingdom Come - Passion Pit |
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My teeth feel grainy from the oversized coffee I just consumed. I've altered my highs and lows today. beer. weed. beer. coffee. I feel overloaded. I feel like I want to bust free of something. I want to jump on the trampoline thats been sitting in my back yard abandoned for so long I forgot I had it. It's warm outside and I never took advantage of it once today. I hope it fades into the night.
I want genuine, innocent fun. laughs like I had Saturday morning in bed with Annie and Dorl. I want them with someone I don't think I'll have them with. I want something I shouldn't want and won't get. what a conundrum. I'm grabbing my Ipod and going jumping while the warmth is still around.
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[05 Nov 2009|05:45pm] |
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Hey hair, when and why did you decide to turn red on me? I don't get it.
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[04 Nov 2009|02:06pm] |
I found the next book I'm going to read. "Looking for Alaska" by John Green. I quoted it in a Tumblr a few months back and have just now decided to look it up.
"Have you really read all those books in your room?"
She laughed. "Oh God no. I've maybe read a third of 'em. But I'm going to read them all. I call it my Life's Library. Every summer since I was little, I've gone to garage sales and bought all the books that looked interesting. So I always have something to read. But there is so much to do: cigarettes to smoke, sex to have, swings to swing on. I'll have more time for reading when I'm old and boring."
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[02 Nov 2009|07:50pm] |
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Skinny Love - Bon Iver |
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I feel like it's appropriate to write this entry separate. I went to a viewing today for Marilyn, Big Daves mother. I was never super close to her but she was always at family functions. She was sweet and she hated Linda which gave us at least one thing in common haha. But she passed away a few days ago at age 69. Too young. I don't know if she wanted to die. But I think somewhere in her she lost a fight.
She essentially became anorexic. She stopped eating. She drank half a cup of coffee a day and smoked cigarettes until she withered down to 85 pounds. Anyone who passes away at that weight when they are capable of eating has an eating disorder. I think we fail to see that these things don't adhere to a certain class or group.
I don't feel comfortable writing her story in here. It's not my place, being so distant and all. But it just broke me today listening to her decline. Listening to how she lived her last few months, in a dark apartment with nothing but coffee and cigarettes. Sometimes people give up. She felt alone from the loss of her second husband. I guess she just wanted to be with him so bad she allowed these things to happen to her. I don't know. But it kills me that as they said she was dying and could no longer reciprocate or speak, she could cry. Dave said that when she lost all her communication skills in the last hour he was talking to her and Kari mentioned a cartoon they used to watch together all the time and tears started falling down her face. It's crazy how we think people can't hear us when they really can. It kind of gives you some sort of closure to know your words are making it through.
I don't know. All of this today has been weighing on me. I think I need to meditate or something. I need to get out of my head before I wear down from it all.
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[02 Nov 2009|07:43pm] |
Dear lab partner, thank you for rocking so much. We just busted our lab out in 2 hours - I am SO happy. It is awesome to find my match in school. I always, always feel inferior to any person I'm paired up with because I have such little confidence in my intelligence but its not that way with Rich. Maybe because I'm applying myself to this class and feel good about it? But we just sat here and worked that lab out like we had been doing it our entire lives. He did the text while I put together the excel spreadsheet and looked up 30 diff make, models, and years of cars. Go us! I see a final class grade of a B on the horizon :) I've GOT to keep this up! I have to get a 100 on my homework assignment that is due Thursday.
I have a bit of time now to clean before MNF over at Chris and Jasons. I found myself on a panicking, emotional trip this afternoon and went to call Chris. I immediately regretted it and immediately said never mind. I do not want to invest my emotions in him. I want all the control in my life I can hold on to and crying to him for the first time about my "life problems" is not going to benefit anything. So I sucked it up like a big girl and told him to forget it and I'd see him later.
I have Kingston curled up next to me on the chair. He does not seem okay. He was fine all day but started moaning this horrific sound an hour ago and I questioned taking him to the vet. I decided, however, he simply had a stomach ache because I fed him wet food for the first time in his life. There's no way this dehydration is catching up to him now. I hope he's okay.
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[02 Nov 2009|12:50pm] |
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Blindsided - Bon Iver |
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I feel like I need to re-evaluate my life at the moment. Maybe because I'm heading out to a funeral in the next hour. Maybe because I'm sitting here forcing myself to eat wondering what is wrong with my body that I've had no appetite for weeks now. I don't really know.
I had this conversation with Chrissy the other day that almost brought me to tears. I keep seeing this pattern of suppressed emotions. I was telling her how I found my senior letters and they just pulled me back to where I wanted to be. I used to be so passionate. Now I keep everything in my life so casual. Because thats how I think people want me to be. I'm always going to be appeasing people. Inside my mind I'm constantly fighting off surges of emotion. I find the only time these feelings escape is when I find myself longingly looking at people. I've become so detached. I suck with words.
How do you get relationships so right? How did I get so twisted into this fear of honesty? I mean even the words "I like you" are impossible for me to get out when I want to. And I look at Christina and Ben and how they've grown and how she's grown as an individual because of it. It's incredible how the right person can make somebody blossom into such a beautiful person. Chrissy's always had a gold heart, but something about how she can just talk about her and Ben with such confidence and joy. It's promising.
I'm handling my life appropriately right now. That's a complicated statement to make, I know. But I'm trying to balance my heart and my head in every life choice right now. With the exception of Halloween I suppose I'm not failing too badly. I just need to lay off the drinking a little haha.
I don't have enough hours in the day. This week is especially seeming to be that way. I have a lot of work and I suppose thats where I should keep my focus. I think my current struggle is to keep building the relations in my life... I feel like my ties with every single person are at a standstill... and some even deteriorating with my inability to put effort into them. I don't want to see this happen. I mean, where has Dorl been? I don't mean to be the bad friend I have been to some people.
Anyway - I'm going to go clean and arrange my life. I am happy to have Kingston home. I can't believe he was locked in my garage for two days. I was thinking about taking him to the vet but he's not even phased. I gave him water and food and he ate and drank a lot. More than anything he just wanted to go outside and play. As nervous as I was, his wining would not give after an hour so he's outside now with water bowls all around the house. I'm petrified he'll get dehydrated.
Gooooodbyeee.
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[29 Oct 2009|08:40pm] |
Just when one animal finally dies another comes into the picture. That's right. Janet saw her last day today. or maybe yesterday. I honestly have no idea. I saw her sitting in this upright position yesterday and thought "huh, janet might be dying" and then I saw her in the same up right position today and realized "huh, janet is dead". For some reason she isn't floating though. Yes, I still haven't disposed of her. Mostly because I find flushing terrible. That and in place of Janet I am now house sitting my mothers cat and I really don't feel like getting bombarded by cats at the moment.
I'm drinking coffee right now. Yes, yes I know big fail for me - there goes my whole 6-step plan out the window but, well, fuck it. I'll just eat lots of those nasty cranberries tomorrow and drink water and eat fiber. Bravo me. I just cannot stay awake a second longer if I don't get some damn caffeine in my body. Though I'm not sure it's caffeine thats the problem. I am at a loss for appetite. This doesn't happen to me.
Yes, I devoured my double cheeseburger last night at D&B but it was only because I ate nothing for about 6-7 hours prior to that (other than a nutri grain bar I stole from Steves before leaving bc I thought I was going to pass out). But besides the burger I never even touched the delicious garlic mashed potatos smothered in cheese. In fact, I wasn't even happy with the burger. I was craving more of the pickles I ate and I realized all I want to eat now are vegetables and vegetables are not what I eat on a regular basis, therefor they are not providing me with enough energy and I am getting sleepy.
Seriously - I went to McDonalds today. Do you know what I go? A southwest salad. I ate it without dressing and avoided the cheese. Essentially I ate the lettuce and like one of the chicken strips. I DON'T KNOW WHY! Hahaha I'm genuinely concerned with my state of being. Something is not right at the moment. I need to eat more!
Anyway. I'm listening to Augustana right now. I tried listening to Copeland but all that did was make me want to listen to Augustana because I find them much better. Augustana will always be at the top of my list. I swear if Jimmy Buffett hadn't stolen my upbringing Augustana would still be in the winning for my favorite band. I mean does Jimmy Buffett even count as my favorite artist? I feel like he's more of my lifestyle than my favorite band. Thus, Augustana is still my favorite band.
I wonder what my top 5 favorite bands are. I guess it comes down to Augustana, Jimmy Buffett, Dave Matthews Band, Third Eye Blind, Matt Nathanson... wait! I just did it! I mean of course the Counting Crows, The Eagles, and Jacks Mannequin will always be circling around there somewhere - but those are probablyyy my top picks.
I don't know why I'm writing about this. I'm just too distracted and mentally worn out from obligations to take my midterm. I've now looked at all of the questions thoroughly and realized I can answer all of the questions. Other than taking a bit of time because they'll require some length responses, it's going to be easy. To top this off, I got my shift covered tomorrow! THE WHOLE THING! I was not expecting this in the least bit. Now if I could only get off Sunday for the game.
Also, before I wrap up this mindless rambling of an entry I should mention one more stupid awesome thing. Today I found a box of 2,500 jello shot container with matching lids for 18$ I know - not a big deal right? Wrong! It is a massively awesome jackpot when I spend 16$ on 40 containers and lids from Party City every single time I make jello shots (which is a lot!). Hence, I have eliminated this cost for the next like 10 years of my life. Well, realistically speaking probably only three months. But 2,500 jello shots is a fuck load of jello shots.
Ok last thing. Last night was one of the most genuinely fun times of my life. I know, that sounds so cliche among all the other entertaining things I do on a weekly basis. But honestly, I haven't laughed that hard and been so happy in awhile. I felt like a kid again and it was absolutely awesome. On top of all this I got to shoot up some zombies which probably curbed my irrational zombie fear for the next week. Dave & Busters definitely needs to occur more frequently in my schedule.
Toodles!
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[26 Oct 2009|12:22am] |
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Stir it Up - Bob Marley |
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HOLY FUCK I AM SO EXCITED FOR HALLOWEEN NOW! I finally finally finally have a costume that is FUN and homemade! And SO me. I'm so happy. I finally decided today that I am going to be a surfer beach bum. I spent the past 45 minutes practicing my braiding and fake dreading my hair with hemp and sea shells. It looks fucking awesome.
At the moment my outfit consists of my short Volcom shorts and a tied tight black billabong shirt so I can still pull off the stereotypical halloween slut aspect. If I get cold (which I will) I'm bringing my Ron Jon hoodie with me. I'm going to go barefoot and I found this old Volcom backpack in the coat closet. I'm guessing Rac left it behind? Anyway I have stuffed it with surfer magazines, a beach towel, and dangling from it are my Mr Zogs surf wax attached via hemp. I also took all of Kingstons catnip, wrapped it in saran wrap, and tied it from the backpack so it looks like I have a massive bag of pot hanging from my backpack. I also pre-planned a spray tan the day before Halloween so I'll be TAN to go with it hahahah.
I'm so fucking stoked I can't contain it. bring it on halloween. I'm going to enjoy dressing up for the first time in my life (well, since i dressed up as Skeeter from Doug a long time ago).
 
Did I mention the most important asset of this? I'm making a surfboard out of cardboard! Sweet!
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Also, this week has the potential to be so awesome!!!
D&B Wednesday, Poker Thursday, Downtown with Lia, Hoobs, Chrissy, and Jodi Friday, and Halloween Saturday!
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[24 Oct 2009|04:53pm] |
I know it wasn't that long ago that I wrote this entry but I really like it and want to remind myself of it:
I want to love. something other than the rain pouring down driving through loch raven thinking how spectacular each and every thing would look in a photograph snapshot. something other than my hands all done up in full-set french manicures complete with david yurman ring.
Noelle and I talked about thinking you'll never get over someone. It will happen. One day I'll be ready again but for now I'm just here... in the waiting zone - coping with not bringing other people into my life as a means of a crutch. I need to be alone. I can fill this void with so many things: late night movies and kitty visits with my new roommate, beers on dorl and jacks basement sofa, happy hours with my friends, schoolwork and getting good grades. I can focus on the me and rebuilding it.
I used to think dating was a means of figuring out who or what you wanted. But when you're dating anybody who shows they care about you, you're not learning anything - except that at the end of the day you simply don't want to be alone. I will never find out what I want if I don't find out what makes up me.
I feel like I should be Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride when she goes through re-trying all the different styles of eggs because she's always just adhered to what her fiance likes. Well, at least I know how I like my eggs! (Fried over medium please! and if it's 3am and I'm drunk you can go ahead and throw it on a cheeseburger for me).
Anyway - I'm going to get me back soon. One step at a time I'm getting there. I don't need boys and attention. I need to get a sense of self. I need to be content with my life because I've gotten a taste of everyone else's that I once craved... they're not for me. My life is for me..
I have made SO much progress from this in the past month. It's amazing how you think you'll never be back to 100% and then find yourself there shortly after. I've had time to focus on myself. I've become more appreciative in the past weeks. I don't know why. I think I'm so afraid of becoming someone so stereotypical. I found myself in yoga pants and my moms lexus this morning thinking "oh god please don't ever let me be the person I could so easily be judged as". What I mean is, I want to forever remain down to earth. And looking at my life and everything that is served to me on a silver platter... it requires effort for me to remain grounded.
I think that I still focus too much on myself. But something about it has changed. I focus on the flaws and what needs improvement. I'm living too much in my head which is bad. I need to start communicating feelings to people. Otherwise I'm sure I'll drive myself into a frustrated corner. But aside from that, I'm doing alright :) Cheers.
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[22 Oct 2009|02:19pm] |
I had a good night last night! And I cannot get Anberlin's 'Breathe' out of my head. It's definitely the soundtrack to how I've been feeling recently :) On another note I've decided that this winter I'm going to dress classic.
 
This long of a struggle finally opened up my eyes
Revolution's not easy with a civil war on the inside
No need to hide anything anymore
I can't return to who I was before
I can finally breathe, suddenly alive
I can finally move, the world feels revived
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[20 Oct 2009|09:04pm] |
I'm being an idiot. Whatever is on my arm is not going away and it is not good. I have to make a doctors appointment tomorrow. I know I'm afraid to find out what it is because I've absolutely convinced myself it could only be one of two things (cancer or ringworm). It is bright white with a pink ring around it and the internet is not helping me out and I can put lotion on it all I want but it is not dry skin and it isn't going to just disappear.
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[19 Oct 2009|12:54pm] |
This is my 2,000 blurty entry!!!!!!!
I feel like I should write something profound. But I won't. I'll just state that I cannot believe I have kept so many records about my life. This is awesome.
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