|
[29 Dec 2013|09:47pm] |
say anything :-)
Note: 99% of my entries have been private as of the past two years. anything you read isn't the full story, or anything close to it.
|
|
|
[22 May 2013|07:57pm] |
|
Listening to the new Man Overboard album and it's putting me in a really good mood. The warm weather has me spending a lot more time outside and a lot more time with my friends. I'm trying to let loose a bit - shake the pressures I've put on myself to be this grown adult. Perhaps I've been a little irresponsible the past two weeks but it's been good for me. I've been doing some souls searching and pulling out bits of happiness that were covered up. I think this summer is going to have a lot of adventures in store and I'm really looking forward to the possibilities.
|
|
|
[28 Mar 2013|08:14pm] |
Oh please believe me I'm more scared than not
That oh, this isn't the way
and please be there, I can barely hang on
but oh, I wait 'til I break
Somebody left the gate open
You know we got lost on the way
Come save us a run away train
Going insane
How do we, how do we not fade
How do we, how do we not fade away?
|
|
|
[06 Feb 2013|07:08pm] |
Well it's looking like 2013 will be the year I let get away from me. I don't have much free time for writing and it is amazing to me that the last time I made an update I was working for the City. In fact, this is my first entry of the new year. So what is new?
I started a new job! I'm working as the marketing coordinator for a real estate company out in the county. I love it. It's stressful, overwhelming, and insane. The first few weeks have been difficult. There is so much to learn and sometimes I think it's almost too much. But I'm getting ahold of things - slowly but surely. I'll flounder my way through it until that day when I wake up and realize everything feels comfortable. For now, I'm far from there but that can only be a good thing. I'm learning a lot and I'm gaining experience in things I love: event planning, customer satisfaction, marketing, and promotions. Tomorrow night I have my first broker dinner. I'm nervous but I think all will go okay. We'll see!
Noah and I are good. We're cruising along. The fights have been more frequent, about once a week, and I think we were starting to wear on each other. We don't fight well and it had me so emotionally drained that I was worried I was going to begin shutting down. But we talked - because at least we know we're different and that communication is key. The hardest part is that when things get rocky I latch on and he needs space. It makes him feel smothered and me stressed. But that aside, the other 98% of the time is amazing. I never knew I was capable of loving someone so much or living with them but it feels natural and normal to have him in my life this way. I'm so happy.
In other good news, we went to Superbowl this past weekend. On a whim we just bought tickets Friday afternoon. I found us a studio house 4 miles out in a quaint area with New Orleans restaurants (where I had some of the best shredded pork tacos of my life!) and fortunately had air miles to get us there and back for cheap. Upon booking my parents decided they just had to join too and the next thing we knew we were flying into New Orleans on Saturday!! The weekend was amazing. From the pre-game walk with thousands of Ravens fans, to the celebrations, to WINNING the Superbowl. It was perfect!
Other milestones that took place this year would be our West Coast trip! Over Thanksgiving break Noah and I took a trip out to Vegas and California. We flew into Vegas where we stayed in the penthouse suite of the Mirage for three nights. We then took a car out to LA for 24 hours. We cruised down Rodeo drive, caught a comedy show, ate at some delicious hipster restaurants, placed our hands in some famous peoples imprints, and hiked to the Hollywood sign before cruising out to Joshua Tree to spend Thanksgiving with his brother. For Thanksgiving his brother invited over all of his boot campers who were away in the marines for their first time. It was neat spending the day with them and talking. We spent our three days there firing rifles and sitting by the campfire. Our last stop was San Diego where we dipped our feet in the Pacific, strolled the Gaslamp District, and watched the Ravens beat the Chargers. Aside from some food poisoning, which was the worst experience of my life, the trip was absolutely insane.
Following Thanksgiving, I spent Christmas and New Years in the Bahamas with my family. Noah flew down the day before New Years after going to the Dominican for Kelly's wedding. I was so happy to have him in Hopetown and be able to share that aspect of my life with him. While he didn't care the Bahamas and quite frankly will probably never return, it made me happy that he at least tried.
So between the two of us, we've covered some ground in these past few months. But with my new job and only a week of vacation it's looking like I'm going to be grounded in Baltimore for a bit of time. This is fine with me. I've been a huge homebody but in a content way. I love where I am in life. I've swayed away from this need for social satisfaction, even finding myself reconnecting with my bridesmaid girls (this is what I refer to Lia, Ashly, Chrissy, Kathleen, etc as). Of course, I'm keeping balance. I made it a point to get downtown and hang out with Kara and Felts two weekends ago and with Noah going to North Carolina for work this weekend I'm sure I'll get back down there this weekend too.
So all in all life is good! I hope this next update just doesn't come three to four more months from now. I'm going to wrap this up now and get some cleaning done before Noah gets home.
|
|
|
[25 Oct 2012|11:28am] |
Sitting in the airport for Noah on Monday afternoon felt like I was holding down the start button. I’ve done a lot of internal preparation for his return. I want it to be real and good. I don’t want to get caught up in this idea of what his return should be. Regardless, this is going to be unchartered water for us. We’ve never tried this ‘together’. Neither of us has ever lived with a significant other before. We’re about to land ourselves in an awesome and exciting adventure.
So far I think we’ve got it good. I’m so happy he is home and I’m really ready to see where life takes us next. It’s comforting to know that in everything I do I have him by my side. He’s so loving, encouraging, and reliable in just every sense. But I always flounder with the feeling that I’m not as thoughtful as he is. Take for instance yesterday morning: here he is chasing down the trash man at 6am because I forgot to put the cans out last night. Meanwhile I can’t even think to DVR one of his favorite shows for him.
I know this is all going to be a growing process. We’re going to need to communicate to make this work the best it can. And I need to not be afraid. I realized for the first time last night that I was scared. I’d gotten frustrated because I wanted us to go out when he was napping. I was already exhausted and stressed and I let that out in the wrong ways. I took Milo for a walk and tried to persuade myself that every time we get in a tiff it’s not going to send him running. I’m scared of everything right now and the attempt to keep balance through this transitional period has me stressed. I need to let go of that.
I’m not sure how we’re supposed to be or what is supposed to be normal. Time will determine that, but we’re certainly not just going to land into normalcy immediately, especially in these first two weeks. I just have to let the chaos of this all in and remind myself we’re going to be okay regardless. Last night gave me some closure in all of this – I don’t think either of us having intentions of bailing, so why do I keep fearing it? Perhaps it’s because I’ve never reached this point in a relationship with someone? It was easy to not be scared when he was so far away, but now he’s here and it’s all so much more real. I don’t want to screw this up.
So here we go! Diving in to something completely new together and I’m so happy and grateful to have him has my partner. I think we’re going to have a lot of fun living together and I can’t wait to see how this house becomes our home.
|
|
|
[10 Oct 2012|10:00am] |
Life has been moving along at a pretty balanced pace. About 10 days ago I visited Misty and Shannon in Canada. It’s been about a year since I’d seen Misty and that just seems far too long. It’s also been about 2-3 years since I’ve seen Bex since she gave up her trips to Hopetown to dedicate time to traveling elsewhere and focusing on her job.
The trip was a blast! As always, Misty and Shannon were so accommodating. They had the weekend planned out for Nottage and me through and through. We had a blast hanging with their different groups of friends, trying out new restaurants and bars, and spending time together. We celebrated Shannon’s birthday at the Jays/Yankees game on Friday night and ended the evening at a local bar with an awesome live band. Saturday we grilled out at Misty’s and dressed up for a club that night. It was so much fun and both of their friends are so kind and outgoing. Sunday we relaxed up at Shannon’s eating entirely too much food and watching football. That evening we watched movies at Misty’s and I jetted out Monday morning.
This past weekend was slightly uneventful. Friday night I broke from my drinking hiatus. I grabbed dinner with Chrissy and Kathleen. Jen met us at my house and the four of us headed to Rec. It was a bizarre evening to say the least. Meredith confused me with a confrontation at the bar. Within minutes or arriving she was flipping out asking me “why I hated her.” I was at a loss of words seeing as I don’t hate her and haven’t said a negative word about her in weeks. Before I knew it she was in the corner with Grieco going off about how she was being treated. I was confused and baffled and trying to spend time with Chrissy and Kathleen who didn’t know everyone very well so I brushed it off and headed to the next bar with them, Jen, Jack, Danny, Meg, and Jason.
I made the mistake of mentioning to Meredith that I felt her relationship with Grieco was weird. She went off and we haven’t spoken since. I need to text her today and clear everything up. Let her know that I really had no qualms with her and squash this confusion. Needless to say, the evening was pretty so-so. I headed home with Jen around 1am and she and I drove out to Padonia to pick up Ramps.
Saturday isn’t even worth writing about. I woke up and drove up to my parents to grab the power washer which I never got around to using. I napped until 2pm then woke up and decided to grab lunch at the Stil with Annie and Jen. Annie and I were craving French onion soup and Jessie had just flown back into town from her family vacation. Shortly after lunch I came home and climbed into bed again. I remained there from 6pm until 10am the next day. Disgusting? Yes. Do I care? Not really.
Sunday I met up with Jessie and her parents, Lisa, and Annie to watch the Ravens game at the Greene Turtle. Afterwards we headed to Rec to watch the O’s play. The game took forever to come on due to rain delays so we got to playing pool. The bar was pretty empty and it was nice relaxing with a lot of Noah’s friends on a Sunday night.
Monday I went to town. I tackled everything I would ever want to tackle on a day off from work. At 8am I was up and going. I made some returns at Target, some exchanges at Home Goods, went grocery shopping, went to the bank, donated clothes to St. Vincents, took Kingston to the vet, and cleaned out an entire storage closet. I felt pretty accomplished after getting everything taken care of.
I’m back to the grind now at work. I’ve been so busy trying to tackle multiple projects. One of our databases is being distributed across the city by the end of today so I’ve been double-checking and re-checking all of my work. I know how critical my overseer can be and I wanted to make sure I had everything on point. All I can do now is hope I got everything completely right. But in 600 hundred entries with 20 pieces of data to each I’m sure I missed something. And whatever that something is he’ll be sure to find.
I volunteered to help a girl in maintenance log the work orders. I’ve already been helping them a good bit by bridging the gap in building identifiers. It’s typically frustrating and takes up at least two hours of my work day every day. Helping my recent co-worker has been nice to have something new to do, but the work is tedious and it’s necessary that I remain on top of it all.
That being said, she just sent me a new PDF of work orders that’s 50 pages long. Looks like it’s back to work for me! Until the next update…
|
|
|
[23 Sep 2012|12:21am] |
Dedicated friends are hard to come by. When you're young they seem to be everywhere. Maybe because school throws you into a pattern of seeing them time and time again. But when you hit the real world full of life, jobs, relationships, and obligations, it's nearly impossible to find someone who will stick with you through the weather patterns. I'm not one of those friends - I'll be the first to admit it. So wrapped up in my own life, I fail to notice when even my best friends need me most. It's not something I'm proud of - in fact, it's been hard to swallow. To accept that I'd accepted being a fair-weather friend. I've shamelessly hit the ignore button on phone calls I knew would leave me up talking for hours. I've read gut-wrenching texts and absentmindedly forgotten them. None of this has been on purpose. It was never vindictive. But it happened. Some friends are better than others.
When Noah and I broke up I wallowed up for days. I was your typical movie mess. I cried in my bed for days. I didn't speak to anyone. I ignored my phone calls, my texts. Those first few days seem to blur together. There were a lot of tissues, a lot of wet pillows, a lot of pajamas. Somewhere in the midst of it Rachael walked in after not having been able to reach me. I was at my ultimate low when she walked into my bedroom. She climbed onto my bed while I was sobbing and she calmed me. She didn't ask questions. She simply sat beside me and told me it would be okay. She told me I would get through it.
When she finally accepted that I just wasn't going to roll over and be okay she crept out. She stayed by my side, more dutiful than any friend had through that time, and then walked out, exclaiming that she'd left a carton of ice cream in the freezer whenever I felt like getting up.
I don't even know if I've acknowledge it to her before. But what Rachael did for me that day was the most caring, loyal thing that anyone had done for me in a long time. I'd shut everyone out and she pushed her way through anyway. Not demandingly, not to prove anything, but just because she cared.
I never met Holly. I've heard of her and I've heard of her battle. When I saw Rachael's tweets the past few days I knew that things were taking a turn for the worse. I had meant to reach out, to say how amazing I thought it was that she was sticking by Holly's side through this battle. And then Felt's woke me from a short nap this afternoon to tell me that Rachaels friend had passed away. In a sleepy haze I started crying.
I don't know if you read this any more Rach. But I want you to know that despite what ever happened to us, I will always respect you for your loyalty. You were an incredible support system for Holly. For years. You stood by her from the very beginning and despite how hard it may have been for you, with everything with her family, with Jared, you never wavered. You always, always made sure you were there for her.
I don't know if we'll ever be the friends we were. But I just want you to know that despite everything we've been through I think you are a beautiful person. You're one of those dedicated friends that are almost impossible to find nowadays. Holly was lucky to have you - but I'm sure you don't even realize this because you were so busy thinking how lucky you were to have had her.
|
|
|
[10 Sep 2012|10:43am] |
Today is the first day the air felt crisp. I was waiting for this. I am ready for this change – the chill I got this morning from the cold was the first sign that I’m almost there.
I cried last night while Skyping with Noah. I immediately felt foolish for it. We’ve worked so hard – we’ve learned a new acceptance of forgiveness and understanding. We were forced to listen and communicate. We had to put in real dedication to keep this going. I'm five months in. I'm ready for it to be over, for him to come home.
I put my energy in the wrong places these past few weeks. With lonelienss creeping up and the feeling that this distance was never-ending, I found myself entirely too caught up in my friends. This shouldn't sound like a bad thing, but it was because I stopped focusing on the individual relationships and more on the group aspect. I tried really hard for something I don't care about. In the end, as I never am, I wasn't satisfied with the results. I tried standing up for people who'd been hurt in the wrong ways. I let others actions change my opinions when they had nothing to do with me. After feeling stabbed in the back on several occasions for this I decided to close my mouth. In reality, trying to stand-up for other people was only hurting me. It's best to let people deal with their problems on their own.
It's weird to think of the people I've come closest too. I realized yesterday as Marc hobbled with me to the first-aid station that he's become one of my really good friends. Months ago I couldn't understand his humour and I despised him for his uncaring words. After Key West I saw a more genuine side of him and from there I can say we formed a true friendship. He may say some jackass things, but he's a really good person.
Of course I have accepted this fact: that my opinions are ever-changing. I've always been quick to judge people. I still am. The people I will dislike with a vengenace are often the ones who surprise me most by becoming my friend. For awhile I never thought I'd forgive Meredith. But here we are, months later, and I can call her my friend again.
I need to recoil some. I need to let go of my need for control. I need to spend time with the one-on-one friendships because when people get in a big group they're often not their true selves. The individual vs the crowd is always a different beast.
That being said, I had a good time this weekend. Friday night I spent at Nicks Fish House with Jen, Ramps, and Dan. We followed it up with Waltz Inn with Grieco and Mere. Saturday I attended a wedding with Derito and his family. Yesterday I went to the Renaissance festival. Today I have the Ravens game with Matt. It's been a whirlwind that's ultimately left me socially drained. I suppose that can attribute to part of my crying yesterday - just wanting to separate from it all and be with Noah.
Tomorrow I have a job interview in the city. I'm excited about the prospect. But I'm not going to think too much about it - seeing as how the last few have ended up. I guess we'll see. I requested off tomrrow, anticipating full exhaustion but it came a bit early last night. Wednesday I have a 12 hour work day. 8 with the city, 4 with promotion. It's going to be hectic but once I make it through I have a mini-break. No set obligations this upcoming weekend except for a suprise birthday party and the Philly game with Mere and Annie.
I guess that's a wrap for now! It's sure been awhile.
|
|
|
[15 Aug 2012|08:57pm] |
The future is looking so good. I'm finally allowing myself to envision Noah's return. Less than eight weeks now. I'm almost surprised by how fast this whole long-distance process has gone. Though, I'm not down for ever doing it again haha. But we made it! (well, almost!)
In preparation of him moving in I've been purging my house of all these things I don't need that are taking up space. I found boxes that I literally never opened the day I moved into my house five years ago and just shoved in a corner. For someone who is so maticulous about keeping a pristine house, it's evident to me that my mom used me as an outlet for her inner-hoarder. The items she packed up and put in my basement are just unreal. And I let it happen! Needless to say, a giant trip to the dump took place this afternoon as I cleared out storage in a downstairs spacious closet. When Noah gets home I'm thinking we can put up some drywall, lay tile, and turn it into a functioning closet.
I've re-arranged a lot of stuff too! The downstairs desk is now in the guest bedroom. It opens up the entire basement and looks great in the other bedroom! I don't know why I didn't move it there earlier. With everything I do I'm consciously keeping Noah in mind. Making space work and making a place where he feels completely welcome. I want this to be our place too.
I keep wondering how this adjustment will be with Annie. I don't want any of this to affect my relationship with Annie. She's despised every roommate we've ever had and that's in a weird way kept us close, unhealthy as it may be. But she won't have that outlet in me anymore. I don't want my relationship with Noah to affect my friendship with Annie and vise versa. It's going to be tricky I think. But I'm so excited and ready for this step. Annie knew it was always coming but I also never had a sit-down talk with her that I probably should have. It was more of "so Noah is moving in hope that's cool" kinda deal and we kept going. For all I know she could have a lot of animosity about this situation.
I've also been working on saving money. I just stopped one day. Cold turkey. No more frivolous spending. I spent $35 this week and it was on my weeks worth of groceries. Without even realizing it I saved $1,000 this month which is going straight towards my credit card bill. My savings is going to miraculously remain safe!
Eee so many things to be excited about. I'm taking on more responsibility at work, cleaning up my house, and anticipating the return of my boyfriend. Summer is winding down perfectly :)
|
|
|
[10 Aug 2012|12:19pm] |
My birthday is off to a great start. It's noon and already my cheeks hurt from smiling so much. I love this day because it reminds me how blessed, fortunate, lucky, and everything else I am. I have such a strong, loving group of people in my life.
I awoke at 6:40am to a text from Noah at midnight wishing me happy birthday. It was nice having him be the first person to hear it from, even if it came from thousands of miles around the world. As soon as I texted him back he called and I spent the next 20 minuets on the phone with him from the kitchen. I was so happy and excited I was just gushing. He kept laughing saying he loves that I love my birthday so much and that I make it such a point to be a celebration with all my friends. He was sweet and it was nice catching up with him before heading to work.
Before I'd even left this morning I'd received numerous heartfelt messages from the people who matter most. Lana, Misty, My Parents, The Hayden Family. I couldn't stop smiling. This of cours was heightened when I arrived to work and my co-workers presented me with a DSW gift card (an appropriate and all-too-hilarious gift) to purchase myself a new pair of shoes. The card was funny and the whole gesture was just too sweet. My other co-worker had a bracelet made for me that I'm wearing as I type this. Needless to say I'm more than grateful for all the warm gestures.
The text messages that keep coming through have also been sweet. I'm trying to keep on top of them by responding as soon as they come through. So many thoughtful words and lots of excitement about tomorrow. In addition I received a great text from Danny. It was casual, meaningful, and hilarious. We talked back and forth for a few minutes in honesty for the first time in months. To add to the perfectness of today, it just felt great getting things right with him. It put me back on even ground.
I'm looking forward to this evening. Annie, Alex, and I have been talking about going out in Canton tonight. I have party prepartions to tackle after work today. Dad and I are swinging by the liquor store once I'm off and I still have about 50-75 more jello shots to make. But after that I'm all for celebrating. It sounds like a bunch of the girls are up for going out as well so hopefully we can make a night of it!
Anyway! I have to go search the internet and see what we're doing for lunch. Despite making that horrible mistake with lunch last week, I've been made the decision maker today since it's my birthday. Oh, the little things!
Can't wait to see how the rest of this day plays out. I can't wait to be with all the people I love. I'm certainly in one of those over-the-top, I-love-everyone moods today. Grateful, grateful, grateful.
|
|
|
[27 Jul 2012|08:58am] |
It's the last Friday morning in July. As expected this month slipped by me so fast I barely had enough time to recognize it. Regatta took place and that was amazing. Annie came down with my family and we spent every day on the boat, roasting in the sun and drinking when we tied up. We spent a lot of time with the Rage crew in the evenings and just had a really good time. Coming home was good. I detoxed for about a week on fruits and veggies and got my life back on track. The weekends following were laid back which was nice because I really just needed some calm. I worked a promo here and there, took Milo for walks around the neighborhood, and watched way to many episodes on Investigation Discovery.
This weekend is Jens birthday. In celebration Annie, Jen, Katie, Katie's friend, and I will be setting off for New York in a few hours. We've got a hotel room booked at the Marriott Courtyard and are going up on the Megabus at 2pm. While I was at first frustrated by our late departure, I'm coming to terms with it now that I realize how much I still have to do. Plus, this just means less time for shopping up there which I'm sure is something I can't afford right now. As usual, I'm really excited and anticipating this weekend, but there is also a small pit of worry. I'm not sure why or where it's stemming from and I'm hoping I can just shrug it off.
Work is going as work goes. My house is going as my house goes. Lia moved in for a bit and accidently contributed to a massive flood in my basement. But I can't be mad at her - she felt really guilty and I know she simply just didn't know what she was doing. Regardless, it was a bummer having to miss half a day of work yesterday to shop-vac the basement for hours. Especially when I missed Tuesday for the Warped Tour and today for NYC.
Warped Tour was fun. Everyone keeps asking me how it was and I keep summing it up by saying it was long. Getting there was frustrating and took hours but once we were finally inside it was okay. Nothing ever really felt comfortable I suppose. Dan turned around to go home because he felt sick and we missed Yellowcard so there was nobody I was really too stoked about seeing other than Taking Back Sunday. I hung with Merrick's family and Sean a lot, as well as Jenna and Meredith. After the entire show was over everyone started to unwind and pull out the keg. I salvaged Patty from the crowd because I was worried about him driving so he hung out with us a bit. Ramps and Jen's sister showed up later in the evening and around 12 we decided to head out. Danny and I had casual talk which was refreshing but overall, our encounter seemed unsettling. Jack and I are getting back to a place that is real but I still feel slightly wary.
I'm mostly looking forward to my birthday weekend coming up in two weeks. There is a slight chance I went overboard on the invite list, but at the end of the day every person I want to come is coming which is exciting. Of course the person I wont to come the most can't but I've grown used to that as it's been the theme of summer. That being said, Noah and I are more than halfway through his leave! Just three more months to get through. I'm confident we can make it.
So that's a wrap. I have to do some laundry and pack my bags. Lots of stuff to do still! Until the next time...
|
|
|
[20 Jun 2012|08:57am] |
Since I didn't go to Vegas I took my $350 and did what any frivolous, impulsive, 23-year old girl would do with a credit card. I bought these gorgeous items:
Of course I have not purchased a single article of clothing in two months (except for one bathing suit top for $29) so I guess it's kinddd of okay.
|
|
|
[18 Jun 2012|09:43am] |
Moments after that last post I booked my flights to Vegas. I waited for the feeling of excitement to sink in. But all I felt was anxiety. For an hour. and then two. and then I got a lovely text from Pete saying he was no longer moving in because he'd lost his job in Baltimore due to a DUI. Mother called and said "Nobody is ever going to marry you" when I revealed what I'd done and Noah seemed more than displeased.
By the end of work I was in tears. I'd just purchased a non-refundable ticket and now everything was falling apart. I tried extremely hard to sneak out of work before crying. Once in the car I broke down and pulled myself together. I knew I wouldn't feel better until I'd at least attempted to cancel my flight. To my surprise they accepted my cancellation with no charges or fees. I got a full refund and accepted that Vegas will always be there.
I went out that night for Derito's graduation party. His family was inviting and friendly as always and the food was delicious. We danced a little. I drank a good bit. But around midnight I wasn't really feeling being there. A certain someones excessive flirting tactics were annoying me and I just kind of wanted to be out of the situation because my girl friends had begun freaking out in the corner. We decided to head to the Rec Rm before closing and have several drinks there. We hung out with some random 21 year old who was telling us hilarious stories about finding the love of his life at a bar.
At close we headed back to my house where we proceeded to sing Disney songs until 4:30am when the cops were called on us. Yes, four of us had the cops called for being too loud. Whoops! Though I believe the officers were just as surpised as we were when they discovered there was no party to bust, just some immature 23 year olds in their pajamas singing musicals.
I awoke way too early on Saturday for the ski clubs white water tubing event. We tailgated before for several hours and I made poor decisions in regards to alcohol. Afraid I would crash from a lingering hangover I began drinking at 10am and was pretty drunk by the time we departed for the trip. Needless to say I flipped my tube during the first rapid and scraped my face pretty bad. I also got a giant gash in my toe worthy of stitches but since I didn't return home until 8 hours after the initial accident I had to wrap it on my own.
The trip was a lot of fun. I stuck with Adam and Marc most of it. We fell asleep on a giant rock in the middle of the rapids for an hour and got fried. Two days later the sunburn still hurts. But worst of all was Jordan who fell asleep in his tube and missed the take-out by over a mile. This resulted in us waiting around in the parking lot until 8:00pm. By the time he returned we were exhausted, hungover, and sunburnt. I fell asleep the second I got home and slept for a full 12 hours.
On Sunday I woke at 10am to skype with Noah. Unfortunately he had a lot going on so we missed out on the opportunity. I joined everyone at Umi for brunch. It was delicious! Where else can you have sushi, tater tots, bacon, and bottomless mimosas for $17? Of course I steered clear from the mimosas as my body felt like a ton of bricks despite all the sleep. After brunch Annie Ramps and I went to my parents house where we watched TV. Eventually Annie and I popped open a bottle of red and had a few glasses outside while I watered my parents flowers and let the dogs run around until they were sleepy. Once again, I was asleep and in bed by 9:30.
Today has been a bit of a bummer. I'm glad to be at work especially because there is so much I need to tackle. But it's been difficult seeing everyones Vegas tweets and hearing from Jen and Jack that they both wish I was there to celebrate. Ahh too bad. It was my bosses birthday today so we celebrated that with cake. In addition, I heard from a position I was really interested in. I thought I blew my chances when gmail sent my email before I'd edited or completed it. I was mortified by the redundancy in my e-mail but she still seemed to want to move forward with the phone interview so I guess we'll see! I feel really good about my qualifications for the position. I hope tomorrows conversation goes well.
I guess that's about it for the weekend! Looking forward to the Stil tonight. I could use a beverage after this day.
|
|
|
[15 Jun 2012|02:21pm] |
I'm trying to make decisions about my life. Being in my longest and most succesful relationship, and realizing that when Noah gets back our relationship will have evolved into something even more important, I'm wondering if this is it. Are these my few months to do what ever I want, go where ever I want, without worrying about someone else? This does not mean that I'm running rampid... but if Noah was here I would not be considering Vegas. Because, well, I'd probably rather enjoy spending time with him (is that a bad thing?). It's the same way with the difference of him here and him not here. I prefer our relationship time - but with him gone I spend the majority of my free time with my friends.
I told myself before he left I wanted this summer to be the summer I do all the things I want to do. Travel. On a whim. Live in Key West if a job presented itself. Spend a month in the Bahamas. I've not followed through with any of these things of course, but I have been grateful to have awesome opportunities presented to me. It's mid-June and already I've been to Ocean City and Key West. In addition I've spent my weekends packed with mini-adventures and fun gatherings. It's been a rather fulfiling summer.
Jen has presented me with an almost undeniable opportunity. A trip to Vegas with the room and food comped for the entire length of our stay. Flights on Priceline are absurd. It's only $350 roundtrip for Snuday-Thursday. We'll be missing the warper tour show which is on Wednesday. Jen was originally rooming with Jac and her friends but I believe we'd figure out a way to get our own room. Jacks birthday is the day before the show so I believe he and Gaskarth will be arriving early before the show.
I've always told myself that I'd go one time. I have had reservations for a long period. I don't want to get swallowed up by that scene. I don't want it to suck me in. I like my calm, tame life here (which in comparison to most people is not really that calm and tame). But honestly - I'm just being unfairly judgemental. I have no idea what LA is like. No idea what Vegas is like. I might as well go once and see, right?
The first thing I did was ask Noah. I don't want to hurt our relationship. I don't want him to stress that he's losing me - he's not. I'm just in this place where I feel the need to explore. I want to go out and do everything I can this summer. I want it to be one for the books. I have all these financial plans for my future but this is the last summer I forsee myself allowing my self enough break.
This does not mean that I see Noah's return as me becoming a lame homebody. But my life with him and without him are different. I'd always rather be with him. But while he's gone, I want to make the best of it. I don't want to sit home when I can be out having new experiences. I just don't know how to communicate all of this properly. I'm not doing this because I need to be free.
Anyway - I still have to get one more head-ups approval from work and then I guess we'll see what happens from there! I may be flying out to Vegas in 36 hours...
|
|
|
[04 Jun 2012|10:19pm] |
|
Maybe I'm just going through the motions so I don't have to stop and feel how I feel.
|
|
|
[09 May 2012|09:19pm] |
My life feels so different from three months ago. I've grown up a lot recently and I'm not sure what's spurred it. I have more on my plate than I can handle but it's kept me from a wandering mind. I've tapped into friendships and taken control of my life. Work is going great and keeping me busy; exhaustingly so. My house could use some work, but when could it not? My garden is coming along beautifully. And my eating habits are through the roof. I eat clean Monday through Friday. Fruits, Veggies, Nuts. I feel good. I'm happy.
I haven't written in here and quite some time but I figured I should check in. It's hard to find time to write anymore. Balancing my exceedingly high mortgage, my roommate swap (Meredith is moving out), a new dog, a long distance relationship, a job, a house (which I'm about to get the deed to finally!), my healthy eating, and my social life has been a lot to handle. But I've got it all good right now. Happy me :)
|
|
|
[22 Apr 2012|07:54pm] |
The rain has forced me into a lazy Sunday. I was hoping for anything but, seeing as I'm still on my active kick. Yesterday I cleaned my car, finished the weed-pulling in the back garden, mowed my lawn, took trash to the dump, and took Milo for a run all before 1pm. I've been motivated in all aspects of my life. Last night I tagged along as a stand-in-date for Josh's corporate dinner. It was an absolute blast and I found myself completely at ease around all of his co-workers. Within no time I was out on the dance floor and having laughs with women twice my age. By the time we left the after party we had quite the buzz on and Josh was beaming with how well the night had gone.
I wish everything could have rolled over to today. I did manage to take Milo to the pet store for some toys and picked up groceries for the week. But by 11am I knew I had a long day of nothingness ahead. Milo and I piled into the car and headed up to my parents to laze there. I figured I could at least be pro-active about getting rid of my poison ivy. Seeing as benadryl gel and calamine lotion weren't helping I turned to home remedies. I took an iodized salt bath, lathered myself in oatmeal, poured distilled vinegar over the affected area, and ended the night in bed with banana peels.
Noah called just as we had sat down for dinner. I apologized for slipping out and my parents understood. Of course I had bad cell service and so I sat outside in the pouring rain for 10 minutes just trying to talk to him. Thankfully we realized I could call him back on the house phone and so I shut myself in the sunroom to talk with him. I felt awkward having left my parents in a fight with one another at the dinner table and he seemed distracted and I simply wasn't sure what to say at all on the phone. I knew he wasn't alone and it felt like I couldn't have a private conversation. Actually, it hasn't felt like I could have a private conversation since he left in general... not that I would know what to say, really. I'm not sure how communicate with him over the phone. I just know that when I hang up I feel different then I acted on the phone and I wish I could go back and say things to him or ask meaningful questions.
When I came back into the kitchen my mother just looked at me pathetically. She feels so sorry for me. Everyone feels sorry for me. They think I'm going to break. I can see the fear in my dad's eyes that I'm just going to come apart at the seems like I did when we broke up last May and he had to see me every day at work. I know how hard that was for him. To not know how to make me feel better and to see me pretty much deteriorating. But the thing is... I am fine. In my regular day-to-day I am fine. I miss Noah. I always miss Noah. But it doesn't consume me. I suppose I've kind compartmentalized it the way I do with my friends in Hopetown. Nothing is changing. Feelings aren't changing. We're just on pause for a little bit.
But the phone calls knock me off my balance for a few minutes and mom badgering me about how I was going to handle it all was overwhelming. I started doing the dishes, anything to keep me pre-occupied but it wasn't any good. I had a brief breakdown. I allowed myself no more than a minute to cry about it but it didn't matter. My mom saw my pain and immediately started crying which made me feel completely foolish. She thinks I'm playing pretend... that I'm a disaster on the inside. I'm not, but hearing Noah's voice makes me sad. It confirms how much I miss him and how much further we have to go.
I tried to convince her the best that I could that I really and truly am okay about all of this. She seemed to believe me but I returned home to all of her Facebook banter and I can see that she clearly does not believe me. Oh well. There's not much else I can do for that situation.
In the meantime I have a busy week ahead! Tomorrow is the Environmental Conference at TU and I'll be giving an hour long presentation with Jason and Mike about the city's green initiatives. I should be going over my notecards right now but of course I'm procrastinating. Tuesday I've received permission to attend the city's Solar ribbon cutting event in the morning. I'm excited because that evening I'm attending a green networking event and it will give me something solid to talk about. Wednesday mom and I are going to pick up everything I'll need to kick-start my garden. Friday I have Jessie's birthday celebrations in D.C. So it's looking like a packed week! Hopefully I get my promo checks in the mail soon so I can afford all of these activities.
Anyway - I should really go look over my notes. and make a coffee. and log off facebook because my family is driving me absolutely insane with these "you'll be okay" and "I'm here if you need to talk" posts. I've not got people texting me asking me if I'm okay and wanting to know why I didn't tell them about Noah leaving. Gah!
|
|
|
[16 Mar 2012|07:44am] |
I'm home sick today with a sinus infection and an ear infection. It's been a pretty uncomfortable past 24-hours, as my body has been fighting to get rid of most of the germs. My whole face is full of fluids and it's made even sleeping a difficult task. Of course now that it's Friday I am wide awake due to my internal clock thinking I should be headed to work. But I wrote an email a little bit ago explaining that I simply couldn't come in. Hopefully this doesn't reflect poorly on me - but it's something completely out of my hands. I would be of little help today in the office.
I haven't had much time to write. In preparation for Noah's departure I've found myself picking up my mothers motivational habits and have managed to remain consistently busy. Re-vamping the family room has become somewhat of an obsession. After a week and a half of dedicated efforts, it is finally the way I want it. It has an entire different feel to it now. Mature, relaxed, cozy. The two-tone walls are gorgeous and the crisp white on the mantle and molding really help them stand out. With some nudging from my mother, I've replaced my dining furniture, couch, and coffee table with brown scalloped leather and deep woods. The chandelier, paintings, and the sort have all been replaced to match the earth-tone theme we've got running through. I couldn't be happier and I really owe a lot of thanks to Annie and Meredith who have both been there the second I've called on them for help or time or man-strength. They've really been awesome. Annie spending her entire Saturday to offer up her parents pick-up truck and help move furniture and Mere dropping her running plans on Tuesday to help assemble the dinette for two hours. I couldn't have done it all without them.
I tried to explain to Noah that with him leaving I was going to need a new boyfriend. No, not a real one. But a substitute to prevent the grief from pouring in while he's gone. Realizing that getting closer to other people was only hurting us, I've turned to my home to be my boyfriend. I've got big big plans and next up is the yard. I'll be taking down the trampoline in the next two weeks and mom is going to help me assemble a raised garden when she returns from Key West in April. With this being my first summer home (aka I will not be vacationing in Hopetown for longer than a week) I want to enjoy my yard. I intend to start a compost pile and finally clean out the garage that's stock-piled with old furniture.
I'm bummed that with only two weekends remaining with Noah I will be sick through the majority of this one. It's my hope that we can at least grab dinner tonight. Who knows, maybe after sleeping all day I'll even must up enough energy to go out with him. But there will be no drinking for me. Which also stinks because tomorrow is St. Patty's day. Unfortunately, my 10-day antibiotic prescription kind of interferes with all festivities though.
So this is where I'm at. Busy, motivated, and working. I feel good... really, really good. I'm trying to remain positive about the upcoming changes that are going to take place. I have been handling Noah's 6-month stay in Afghanistan better than I thought I would. I'm looking to my friends for strength and trying to not let it consume me. Of course it's easy to handle now because he hasn't left. In some ways, it still doesn't feel real. But all I can do is work on us being the best we can while we still have time. These next six months are going to happen whether I want them to or not. It's kind of up to us to make it the best we can.
It makes me sad to think of all the things we're going to miss out on together: baseball games, his birthday, my birthday, summer hikes, outdoor climbs with his friends, ashland breakfasts, alexanders smothered tots, late night drinks theatre side, nights and days tangled in bed. But I shouldn't think of these things. I know that. I just need to keep my head up and focus on all the benefits of a long-distance relationship. On Wednesdays wine night Kara really helped drive-home the positives of dating someone who is far away. While I'm not totally convinced, I'm looking at what she said with some plastic-hope. I can use this time to focus on me. To do what I want without another person's feelings in consideration. I've got 6 months to myself. I can do whatever I want with them.
Anyway, for now I'm going to try and trick my body back into sleep. I'm not sure how easy it's going to be, but I know that rest is going to be the best thing for me right now. Hopefully I can relax through this day and not stress about the work I'm missing or the impression I'm leaving. Why do I always feel so guilty for being sick?
Maybe around lunch time I'll pick up a book to read in bed. I really don't want to spend all dat watching E and MTV. Not in a rot-my-brain kind of mood. Also not in a lay-in-bed-all-day mood, but I can't stop that. Meredith had to tell me to go to bed last night because I couldn't stop cleaning. Moving the furniture, cleaning the dishes. I'm addicted to improving my surroundings. Building this fort of comfort. But she's right, I should probably chill out.
Hopefully the next entry won't come a week from now. I don't like having such gaps between my updates.
|
|
|
[21 Feb 2012|07:44pm] |
It's been nearly two weeks since my last entry. I haven't had much time to sit down and write, as my life feels like it's filled to the brink. I had no idea work was going to cause so many transitions in my life, but it has. I'm happy about that. It's grounding me a little more.
Without free time, much of my emotional side is slipping out, as the logical and structured version of myself is creeping up. I am a homebody. I mean, I've been becoming one ever more frequently. But work gives me an excuse to live the life I think I've really wanted to be veering towards. It's now acceptable to skip out on Monday nights at the Stil and it's okay that I'm not at 5ive Martini for happy hour right now. I don't want to be drinking because I want to be cherishing the little free time that I have. So I passed on this afternoons offer. Groceries, laundry, and cleaning are on my to-do list for this evening. With a lot of John Mayer accompanying me through it all.
Since I've last written my life has taken leaps and bounds. Noah and I exchanged "I love you's". It was a one time thing and I'm okay with that. It was a lot of build up. A lot and it didn't go the way I had planned. But does it ever? The point is... it's out there. We had a conversation about our feelings for once, as opposed to simply expressing them through sex. (Which I think is something he doesn't get - why I am so interested in sex all the time - it's the only time we really express our feelings). We decided we didn't want it to be something we said all the time. It will not be something we tag on to the end of our phone conversations and I like that. I'm content with that. It means it matters all the more when it actually is said.
I visited my parents this past weekend in Key West. It was long overdue, but when I found out I was off yesterday because of Presidents Day I shot my mom a text and within two hours she'd booked me round-trip first-class tickets with rides arranged and everything. She really was fantastic and my visit this weekend was wonderful. We went out Saturday night and spent Sunday at the beach. Sunday night we lazed and Monday morning we shopped and grabbed some lunch before I flew out. Noah picked me from the airport, and after a rocky and awkward start to our night, we wound up cuddled in bed after catching up on Walking Dead.
Apparently I posted something on twitter mentioning seeing Noah and Danny's tweet that followed was a clear cut sign that I was hurting his feelings. I would have honestly missed it (due to my four-hour plane ride) had Lisa not texted me about the dramatics. I think she expected me to make fun of him with her, but I still can't. I feel guilt, sadness, bitterness, and anger all at the same time. I mean, he did this. He forced me to this place where I had to stop talking to him. And stop talking to him I have. It's been weeks now without a word uttered. I texted him on the anniversary of his fathers passing but he simply responded that until I wanted to speak to him on a real level, and not out of obligation of a certain date, to not even bother. It stung and I typed a thousand responses but I never clicked send on any of them. I keep telling myself he will be better off if we're not friends. He's fine and I'm fine. There is a hole where I feel like I lost a best friend and one of the people who gets me most. But he continuously attempts to cross the line and so I know this is for the best. I can't keep running in these circles or having it weight on my relationship with Noah like it has.
Work is overwhelming. I have so many more obligations than I was first expecting. Despite being hired as a technical "intern", I have taken on the role of project manager for our new database. I will be working with each of our architects to stay on top of their projects. It's overwhelming and frustrating to have so much to learn, but I keep reading, outlining, and studying. It hasn't even been two weeks so I need to just give myself time. I will get there.
Anyway. I wish I could feel relaxed enough to write more. But there's a lot I want to tackle, and I'm sure by the time I do relax I'll just fall asleep. I've got a lot on my plate, and some missing, but I feel good. I'm just going with it all for now.
|
|
|
[27 Jan 2012|01:26pm] |
I'm not too sure where the inspiration came from this week, or what stemmed it, but I've done a 180 with my eating habits over the last five days. It's not that I want to lose weight, though a few pounds would be great, but I want to tone up. Namely my stomach.
I went to the grocery store at the beginning of the week and purchased healthy foods. I purchased only fruits and vegetables, with the addition of some fresh salmon, ham, and turkey. I suppose it's that I've been surrounding myself with motivation. I began following healthy and fit tumblr blogs. Not the scary ones that are focused no dropping pounds, but the positive kind that remind you about the importance of eating healthy.
If I were to have actually logged in my food intake this week I'd probably amaze just about everyone I know. I'm someone who typically eats out at least once a day. It's grown to be a problem. While I know I can't totally restrict myself from these indulgences, I am trying to switch up my M-F appetite and save the smothered tots for the weekend. I'm amazed that with the exception of drinking alcohol Wednesday night, I've stuck to it 100%
The thing is... it hasn't been that difficult. As soon as I switched my diet I immediately started to feel better. I feel more energized. More... clear if that makes sense. And I'm hoping I can stick to this. I hope this isn't just a week thing. Because I can feel the improvements over the course of five days already. Here's to wishful thinking!
|
|