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Tuesday, May 2nd, 2006
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12:17 am - Neverender
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she told me to update once more so...yea I might as well. Actually I've been meaning to update this piece of crap for almost 2 months now but of course I either forget too or something else comes up. yea yea...all bullshit but whatever. To summarize whats happened in 2 months: chris turned 21 and it rocked....then Brad turned 21 and it rocked + we got kicked out of the hotel so thats some bonus points right there. I went to Wrestlemania with some good friends and that was one kick ass time....there was a trip to michigan somewhere in there to see what Chris' new house looks like. That actually f'n rocked and i fell in love with that place. the little town of Dexter seemed like a great place to live. But it's still Michigan and not something like Chicago...thats right Sarah...I said it.
Alright well around this time of year...its usally considered the last week of full classes. This is gonna rock what with final papers and projects due. I was actually up until 6 this morning working on my Senior Thesis Proposal. for all of you that don't know, that is what we call 80% of our actual Senior Thesis research project. Since my thing entails me to conduct a project...usually a school survey...I pretty much had to have all research methods, review of literature, surveys and paper work pretty much all pieced together. The only thing I wouldnt be handing in are the actual results and discussion which for some unknown reason we leave entirely devoted next term for...weird.
Really this proposal was the major killer i had going this term. I actually have a 5 pager due by ...i guess later tonight and another paper due for wednesday....of which I really have no idea how I am going to write. Thats always a good thing. Of course I am ready to get done with classes since I have my major list of movies to watch and books to read going into the summer but I also don't wont to go home. I'm just weird like that. As I spoke with chris before, I mentioned how it doesnt nearly as much now as it did in the previous years. My folks re-adjusted and are definetly more friendly these days. I suppose I just don't want to go home because I'm too used to hanging out all day with my peers. Then again going home also entails free food privaliges along with private space...also known as my wonderful room....man do I sound lame.
I honestly have no idea what I am doing this summer. I definely am going to come up here to BU more so since Chris wont be doing the school thing and my summer class will be online. Sox games, vollyball at McKinneys are just some of the standards. I also hope to go back to Michigan once or twice. Visit the Check house hold for a while and just hang around Dexter for a bit...I also think a trip to East Lancing (i think thats the place) is in need to assure Sawah that she sure as hell has friends back in the Chi.
regardless of whats been going on with school and with summer comming around..theres definietly more I want to discuss but I really need to get going for the moment. I'll make sure not to wait another 4 months before I update again. I think I just needed this little shove if I really was going to do something. And of course you know this is a authentic juan entry since i dont bother with any corrections in spelling and grammer...haha. peace
current mood:  content
current music: "Three Evils" by Coheed & Cambria
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| Saturday, January 14th, 2006
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4:29 am - the district sleeps alone tonight
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i hardly write and this time the reason is due to the advent of one myspace.com. it is rather ridiculous that i finally allowed myself to fall victim to its ways but....a wise man once said "everybodys got there price for the million dollar man". uhh well i suppose it can sorta apply. i currently find myself listening to some music i really havent played in a while. At the Drive-In mostly. as usual, i have been doing some thinking since my break is pretty much over. class doesnt start until tuesday but i am packing up and heading back to school saturday afternoon. my roommates want me around i think. by sunday we'll all be back in our spots and with the bears game that afternoon we'll all be back earlier...maybe?
break was good but it could have been better. christmas rocked, family was descent, got my glasses replaced, and hung out with a lot of good people. brads basement became "the lodge" and the usual place to be. played plenty of video games and beat 2 in the process. several movies were picked up on and added to the growing collection. too bad i couldnt watch any with anyone due to the revealed differences among each others tastes. that kinda sucked. that means i am reduced to only enjoying my movies and music in the presence of my roommates only. yet another reason to be back at the apt. already. as of now my cloths are packed and i just need to collect my guitar, the media stuff and steal some food from the fridge. i honestly am both happy and sad with classes starting up again. i mean i am pretty stoked i walked out the fall term with a 3.8 GPA and i look forward to my new classes...but at the tail end of break i was seeing elizabeth more so and enjoying some mario party against brian and eric. it was at the tail end when i was really getting more so into the group since the number has decreased a great deal. ah well.
i am considering waiting until the mail carriers have already passed by tomorrow. so i ordered out for an xbox but i once again didnt pay enough attention to feedbacks as i really should...and i didnt realize that the seller tends to delay mailing out stuff on time. needless to say i am growing very impatient with each passing mail day and my package not being around for me to bust out. to make things worse, i already have 2-3 games ready for playing. my folks are equally as impatient since they are awaiting a phone call telling them their new furniture is ready for pick-up. i guess i'll just stick with my ps2 until it arrives.
minor bummers to the break including not seeing nichole as i really wish i would. horrible karma i suppose. i saw her for one day and that was when we helped durkin with the christmas for kids program. the ship has sailed and it just sucks that there couldnt have been a farewell party or something. on the plus side i enjoyed a kick ass concert with chris at the metro. the hush sound, the academy, and a special appearence by fall out boy.....that was awesome. i met elizabeth again and met ryan drish for the first time. both excellent people i hope to see more of during summer. new years 80's party at matts was a good time and the nights at sarahs and at the lodge were fun. i began to tackle the harry potter books which are going well. i need to obtain the rest from stefan by the way. i also began to watch The Office and My Name Is Earl which are both halarious shows that i would highly recommand. i got to see Taylor as well and we spent a day at the movies. Munich...a highly recommanded film. hmm....so much that can happen when you dont go to bed until 5 a.m. and wake up at 2 for an entire month. most interesting. well i suppose i'm off. hopefully i can still see some of these slobs here and there during the term. cya.
current mood:  accomplished
current music: "This Place Is A Prison" by The Postal Service
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| Thursday, December 8th, 2005
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2:38 am - Clark Gable
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its been a while so its time to update the ol' memory saver (a.k.a. journal). my thankgiving break was non-productive at all but more of a teaser of the winter break comming up. originally i had planned on working on 2 papers since i figured i would have enough down time being at home with family but that didnt happen of course. i ended up throwing things off until the next day and the next until i found myself back at school with nothing accomplished. the short break acted as a teaser since i got to see mike, stayed up late running on falco time with brad, had a gathering at McKinneys, and hell...i even got to spend a day with nichole. some pictures have been posted in regards to that day...a lot of keepers some would say.
anyways now i find myself wrapping up my classes and bidding farewell to some folks i wont be seeing for some time now. at the same time comes the stress regarding finals. well i am lucky that i only have one major final to really worry about. now that he has finally told us the format of the exam..i know how to study for it and i just have to pray that i can pull off enough brain power to get it done and walk away with at least a C even though I would prefer to at least pull a B....although i dont think any of us are sitting in any sort of a comfortable spot in that class. i still need to write up one more paper for my thursday night class but once again i have the fortune of having an instructor who doesnt feel the need to create a qoute or set much of guidelines really. when its all said and done...friday night should be my departure from the apartment and its off to the hacienda. the 17th has been arranged for a big christmas dinner amongs ourselves. i simply cannot wait.
i certainly do have mixed feelings about going home. thankfully there are no more real problems with my immediate family as there once were...but now problems stem from the other reaches of my family. whenever i go home my mother proceeds to give me the latest updates on how the relatives are doing and it is usually sad stories. i wouldnt say that i cant take it but its more of the feeling of not knowing what to do. when i'm not hearing about my relatives i begin to think on my own and the person that always rushes to my mind is my uncle ralph. by far the nicest guy you could meet these days but i always feel sad and almost cry at the thought of how lonely he is. i'm thankful that he joins my family every year for thanksgiving and i know all his children care deeply for him....but after the passing of his wife i just think my uncle changed. he misses his wife (my aunt) every day, his eye sight now prevents him from driving (one of those few luxaries you could be so lucky to have at an old age), and now he begins to worry a great deal about his son in Akansas. its really rough on him and...although i dont speak to him a great deal, i wouldnt know how i would feel if he were to just leave us suddenly
its 3 am and i'm about ready to turn in. i look at the list and see nicholes still on. insomnia sucks a great deal but i think shes got school work contributing to the insomnia now a days. in any event...insomnia has been the devil in me lately. at least i label it as insomnia but really i just think my addiction to the internet contributes to me missing my sleep. i have mixed emotions about being a nightowl. if i'm out and about well then i have no problem lacking sleep and running on Falco time is just part of a typical break. however i am still in session and i really dont do anything while i stay up late. the network disabled our ability to file share so...that means i literally just surf and constantly refresh whatever i'm looking at for updates. lame! i occupy myself and i dont think its necessarly all that bad. sometimes my feeling is that sleeping sucks just because other times i also find myself focusing on a better level late at night. sleep just wastes time and why go against a system i work better in..right? well those feelings only last to a certain point. in every single instance of my running the night shift i do hit a mental wall of sorts.
ever since high school, you know the time when i couldnt have been more mentally f'ed in the head, i've had this problem where my mind just wonders and runs on wild tangents. the end result is my mind begins to reflect on things and people long gone and forgotten...repressed memories resurface....my dreams and my ambitions run together and i enter a sort of fantasy world. however you take it ...this is all a bad thing. i say its bad because my emotions tend to heavily influence what i say and do which usually means i may end up sending messages or saying things i would probably just keep to myself other wise. i noticed that i also begin to look to deeply into things that i most likely dont have too. for instance...i begin to analyse comments i receive and really search for closure. i know a lot of this may not be making sense but lets just say my mind tends to wonder and i do/say stupid things as a result of it. but is it really a good or bad thing? i mean...i worry i will profess my love to someone simply because i'm reminded of how desperatly lonely i am. on the other hand, presenting and expressing raw emotions can sometimes be used to your advantaged. i dont really know what to make of it.
with finals comming up i think i will have plenty of school work to keep my mind occupied but for now i know i've been thinking about nichole a lot..again.. and a couple of other girls here and there. once we get out for break i dont think i'll be at this point against just because being home with my friends will amount in purposeful late nights of movies, games, and so on.
current mood:  gloomy
current music: "If We Never Go Inside" by Alkaline Trio
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| Monday, November 21st, 2005
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12:03 am - a simple one liner
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so easy it is for me to feel so dedicated towards a particular purpose one second and then completely forget about it and move on to something else the next second. you know, so i spent the best part of 2 weeks really killing myself over someone and i am yet to tell them. of course it is all based off stupidity on my side. i told myself that i finally had to let her know and get things off my chest. then i had the gull to tell her i had to explain myself and then i said i wouldnt tell her unless it was in person. so i spent several days thinking and i had to prevent myself from writing what it was i had to say. finally, the best i could come up with actually rushed to my head shortly before i fell asleep or maybe it came to me in a dream. in any case it just didnt matter.
what i have been doing the past couple of weeks...well i suppose i've kinda been doing school work. Saves The Day played the House of Blues on the 6th and that was such an awesome time. it was the first time that i've actually physically scene them live since the last opportunity I had, it was the day of the Green Day concert several years ago and thanks to another shitty plan by Brad i missed them since we had trouble trying to get Brian through the gate. a different time, a different story. anywho it was Emanuel (got there too late for), The Early November (awesome act), Saves the Day (can never go wrong), and Senses Fail whom i didnt care for. my first time at the HoB and i was impressed with the scenery. the trip was easy since chris and i just hopped on the train to Union Station up here in Lisle. it was only a 10 minute work from the station to the venue. thats been the only real highlight. since then i've taken a stats test and i'm rather confident that i kicked its ass. this past friday night i went back home and saw "Walk The Line" with brad. the film was nothing less then phenominal and i would highly recommend it. after that it was back to Brads where Koll and some annoying asshole came to watch "The Machinist". Saturday night we went to daves shitty show at some warehouse where a church hosted a concert youth night. daves friend eric was in town and we all just shot a little pool and watched the show. the place was actually pretty decent with a lot of free games and a shit load of couches. chris and i left early and watch "The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou" and that was about it. Today was a last day over all. dave and chris went to the new mexicans place at night with franky staying here and calling it an early night. the lucky prick got himself a free ticket to the Bears game so he was in attendence for another amazing Bears win. Chris stayed in bed until 4 and the only thing we did that was productive was drive to the blockbuster for a rental and eat from chicken from KFC. we watched "The Aviator" and overall it seems i watched a shit load of movies this weekend ay.
"The Aviator" and of course i thought about her. some time ago her and i were in a blockbuster with some friends thinking of what to watch. she wanted to see "The Aviator" and i was for the idea but others were not. we decided to watch it together sometime but that became the first in a string of events that never took place. story of my life. honestly... i would like to still tell her but now i am pretty much 100% sure that nothing emotionally inspiring will come from it. but of course i have been thinking of some other girls lately. local ones i mean. one of them is too close to some people around here so that hardly allows me to even mention a name but i dont think it would really be that hard to figure out. anyways this is the part where i just begin to ramble incoherant jiberish
anyways this week is a blow off week really. wednesday is the day for all of us to really leave the apartment for several days but before we part the plan is to see the new Harry Potter during the day. BU isnt the friendliest in regards to schedules since they are not giving us a standard week off but rather just the holiday and friday off...a four day weekend really. it sucks and i am not pleased. i have 2 papers to write.....or at least thats what i should be doing during my break....but who knows if thats what i'll really do. i should do something on thanksgiving since i wont have much friend time ...if any...but that might be it since i have a feeling that holiday shopping and other things will consume my time. at least i hope. i really need this break even though i'm not exacally doing a whole lot right now. i really can not wait until winter break but i have a few finals to finish before that happens. well..i'll keep you posted. peace
current mood:  bored
current music: Married ...With Children on tv
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| Thursday, November 3rd, 2005
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12:54 am - yea
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a great deal of time has passed by since my last entry and i dont know why i wait so long before updating. a fair amount of events have transpired since last. perhaps the biggest peice of news to throw out there is the fact that the Chicago White Sox have gone and done what was considered to be almost impossible. Our Sox went on to win the World Series after an 88 year title absence. Life could not have been sweeter at that moment. The Sox played the NL team with all possible variables working with it. The Astros were wild card, and the last 3 titles have gone to wild card teams, our Sox played Boston (whom were reining champions) until we ended up sweeping them in 3 games. Then in the ALCS we played our biggest threat in the Angels whom are a faster team then us and whom play a similiar ball. Not to mention that our record against west coast teams was aweful. Added to the mix were constant questions about our bullpin having too much rest, a number of umpire errors, and other random issues of probably and superstition going against us. In the end our Sox took home the title and life could not had been sweeter. A playoff record of 11-1...1 shy of perfect. We set a number of records and my roommates and I were fortunite enough to had been at Game 2 of the ALCS which may forever go down as "the Perzynski game". Once the annoucement was official our entire apartment quad broke out into celebration as half the occupants partied, yelled, hugged and laughed. Our dreams became reality. Alynovich was downtown at a city bar when it all went down. The hometown heros came back to a tickertape parade that friday....less then one week ago. Our city of Chicago's stock has just gone up.
Unfortunite for me, i couldnt get out of work that friday to join Franky, Mike, and Nichole as they made their way to the Loop for it all. I was heartbroken but its life. Of course I made sure to buy some merchandise and I have some more on back order off MLB.com. It is all worth it. Even now the entire city is interested to see what happens with Frank Thomas and Paul Konerko. I posted some pictures from the ALCS game in my photo link so there ya go. Well...what else has gone on? Sarah came in from MI one night a couple of weeks ago. This time I made sure to talk to her and joke while we were at Danas. Lindsey was up too. At some point Sarah and I took a picture together but I am yet to see when that will show up. I've started to talk to nichole a little more so but just about a week ago I might have f'ed myself over again. I always tend to pull stupid shit like that on occation and it is really disenchanting. Every time I build up some type of courage to get things off my chest I always end up saying it the wrong way or saying stupid things that only end up in alienation or awkwardness. Well perhaps its just my imagination. I'm hoping its just my imagination. I've also started to get a more comfortable hanging out here when the others are working on their inebriation. I end up talking to some of the guys while they play pong or I joke around with Katie or Mike Bartgen. Then again, who doesnt at this point.
I really want to quit my job but I can't...or at least I don't feel like I can. For the best couple of weeks things have been going fine but every so often I just get frustrated with either doing nothing or ignoring the fact that I'm doing pointless work. This is the part where I wish I had more direction in what I wanted to do (i.e. my major). In what is somewhat related, I found out that I can graduate on time and walk with my buddies so long as I continue to do A-OK on all of my classes. I even devised a plan for myself to look for something related to my major in regards to work. I really should get working on carrying out that plan soon but...I get so lazy. Another plus is that I figured out what classes I can/should take as well as a couple of alternatives. I suppose thats a positive start to everything as well.
Just some random things:
+ Alynovich, me and a few others came to the conclusion that the Chicago rivalary is done with because no matter what happens, the Sox won it all and did it before the Cubs. Nothing else is needed to be proven.
- I made an agreement not to rub it in Danas face...how hard do you think this will be?
+ KB is an alright kid-o
- I have a number of papers to work on...and I really dont feel like doing them
+ movie with Nichole?
- I need a girlfriend
current mood:  pensive
current music: Panic! At The Disco
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| Monday, October 10th, 2005
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1:28 am - sniff...
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little did i know i would find a song that couldnt explain my situation as true as it does. i find it really pathetic that i'm presenting myself this way but i just havent been able to develope the courage or the marbles to remedy the situation. lame.
Should I try to hide
The way I feel inside
My heart for you?
Would you say that you
Would try to love me too?
In your mind could you ever be
Really close to me?
I can tell the way you smile
If I feel that I could be certain then
I would say the things
I want to say tonight
But till I can see
That you'd really care for me
I will dream that someday you'll be
Really close to me
I can tell the way you smile
If I feel that I could be certain then
I would say the things
I want to say tonight
But till I can see
That you'd really care for me
I'll keep trying to hide
The way I feel inside
The Zombies - "The Way I Feel Inside"
i wish she understood.
current mood:  depressed
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| Monday, October 3rd, 2005
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1:39 am - in america, women can vote but horse can not..??
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if theres one thing i'm good at it would have to be the fact that i always put working on papers on the bottom of my priority list. my situation isnt all that bad but maybe (or maybe not) it helps if i over hype the situation just a enough so i force myself to get crackin. anyways by wednesday i have to present my research papers thesis, 4 sources, and about 12 lines worth of introduction. it doesnt seem all that bad but the thesis part ways always my weakest point. along with getting that figured out i need to study for my stats test thursday. i know i felt confidant about it but i'm yet to look over the study guide book since 20% of the exam comes straight from there. it will be key but for the most part i have the ability to do all the mathmatical computations. its a great start.
this weekend was interesting to say the least. come friday nothing happened with frank at northern, dave gone for an overnighter, and steve at the mars volta show. instead chris and i went to bed early since he had a meet in rockford while me....well i ended up falling asleep early due to nature. i was dead beat tired i suppose. before we hit the hay though we were kinda forced to provide entertainment for this girl that called chris out of the blue to break her boredom. it was just a strange scenerio to start with. on the plus side though, chris and i did get to have dinner with joey and lauren who came for a visit. we went to downtown naperville and ate at Brickhouse which had some good calzones but the service is somewhat shady.
saturday i began x-mens legends a bit and attempted to buy some AL division champ shirts with frank only to arrive several hours late. sold out of course. not long after 5 when chris came back home were arrangements made to go to the Check house for the night. kate had her homecomming that night and both luna and mr. C were in town so naturally chris wanted to be home. ali drove and once there we found ourselves being used as servants to an unknown amount of high schools. the families went all out to plan a big dinner before the dance and we were stuck in the role of carrying plates of food to and from the houses. at least there was soem jusitication once we got our mouths full of some of the food as well.
from 7-midnight chris and i played some xbox live and kicked ass on the dave level. i tired out from playing long before chris did. then i found myself as the driver to an inebriated alicia as she was on a mission to get some more liquor. this is were the night got fucked up. we went to jewel and creeps followed her in. this forced jewel to booze block her and a red-flag. we left only to return some 10 minutes later. the cops were on the seen and came to us. ali and the 5-O had a little chat and before i knew it the night was just getting more f'ed up. at this point i'm kinda surprised the cops werent under the impression that the booze was for me or i wasnt getting a hard time. ali got her way apparently and the cops ended up siding with her on this one. weird...huh? before the talks were over, i'm in the middle of ali and this cop as he's telling us exacally where and how to get to other stores to get liquor. i suppose the south elgin cops are some descent people. we didnt return to the house until 145 or so and with ali still out of it she ended up trying to hook up with our helpful cop. meanwhile chris continued to play until 3 or so.
its 330 and we planned on sleeping soon but we figured on checking for any good movies. the lineup was great ...garden state, dodgeball, toys, closer....and yet we put on one of the worst/funniest movies ever...Scream. after making fun of kate for a prolonged period of time, we ended up watching the end of the movie with her friend hannah. its actually very halarious but it dawned on us that Scary Movie wasnt really necessary because Scream itself was a ridiculously stupid yet funny movie. its been bothering me for some time now that Scream and the triology was so popular. why??? it was such a god-aweful movie but it was huge back in the day. i just dont get it. afterwards we set up camp for the night and we watched some dodgeball shortly before passing out. this morning we helped clean before packing up and comming home. alright so my plan was to begin looking over the stats study guide but i didnt do shit. infact i farted around a little on legends again and did laundry. that was the extent of my productivity. not long ago i learned of my requirements for the research paper so now i have that weight on my shoulder. seeing is i didnt get a lot of sleep last night i am going to turn in right now and get focused tomorrow and really work on this shit. i can do it! the goal is to make it to the weekend. its a paycheck week, the Sox are in the muuutha fuckin' playoffs so i have to watch them beat Boston, and saturday is our day at the movie theaters. i know that we are gonna be dead tired that night too. sunday if the guys do there party then i'll head home and hopefully see the W.C. but most importantly i hope to see nichole. you know how it goes. well...on to operation Sox birth. good luck.
current mood:  drained
current music: "Sweet Child O' Mine" by Guns N' Roses
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| Monday, September 26th, 2005
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11:38 pm - life, i wish i understood
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i suppose the thing that sucks the most is losing focus of it all. it happened to mike a couple of days ago. before i knew it, he began this conversation with me that didnt nessecarly sound like his type of rationalization. i suppose we all lose focus at some point. well i've spent the past week worrying about a criminology test that i will actually take in less than 24 hours. i've read almost all the material but i'm about to go through the final stuff right now. with any luck i'll jot down enough in my notebook so i'll just have to look at that during work rather than going through the big book.
would you say i have an attachment issue? i really need some feedback on that but i doubt i'll get any. among some of the other things that bother me... i worry too much about even the most insignificant things. i worry about people that really shouldnt be of much concern. i suppose the biggest pain is the "feelings" i think i have. i would like to find out for sure but i always seem to shy away and avoid it when an opportunity arises. i'm still a coward at heart and it is very upsetting. with time gone by i do feel like i hae matured but i havent found that level of attention getting yet. soon. we will met again soon, i hope. plan out a day to have fun and i am determine to grow a set to finally speak the words that have never come out of my mouth. its all and good on paper but when it comes from the heart and you hear the passion in the person...then you know it is for real. someday soon i hope....someday soon...
current mood:  determined
current music: The Hush Sound
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| Friday, September 16th, 2005
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1:23 am - so long younger years
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i'm 20 years old. its weird to say it but its true. the funny thing is...mentally i feel this is the age i have always been. and i'm the cubby of this den? yea right. in any event i didnt have any time to celebrate or anything. i actually woke up early for me so i could have time to finish some homework i never felt like doing. what better building to do it then the building i would be working at from 11-4. 430 i had stats....in the same building. 630-8 my second class...once more in the same building. by the time i came back to the apt. it was sometime after 8 and no one was around. chris had to TA a lab and frank had a night class. i did come back in time to run into dave so we headed out to grab some food. afterwards we just spent the night watching the first disc of Ali G season 2 and pretty much called it a night.
i got a lot of bday wishes from friends and some from people i wouldnt really expect to care...so its a good feelings. so partially i feel facebook played a big role in people remembering the bday but i'll take it. i suppose what would upset me would be if people i would expect to hear from didnt acknowledge me...even with the aid of facebook. really that wouldnt be the case but there is one particular person that i havent heard from.....technically i havent heard from them in years. what i mean to say is...this isnt the first year they would have forgotten about my birthday. this would be at least the 4th year but i'm almost positive it has been more than that. its a downer but i dont really feel like making something of it...though part of me those. i'll just try to keep some faith that it'll come back to their memory. so this weekend i'll head home for a dinner with the rents and see my friend. i hope its all fun. its all i really feel like writing now...
so i'm just missing one final thing in my life at this moment...but where can she be found? when will she come around...
current mood:  exhausted
current music: "Resolution" by Motion City Soundtrack
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| Monday, September 5th, 2005
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1:38 am - calm before the storm
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as usual i have a lot on my mind. where should i go about spilling the beans. hows about my list of objects for the school year:
*i'm positive that i'm not that bright but a 3.0 would be descent
*drop 10 lbs. ........gained during the summer
*save money for my wm ticket ........i'm hoping to set up a deal with durkin on that
*save money for a playstation 3 .....reasonable since i have a year plus.
*get a g/f ....although thats been a life goal
*not be a stranger to the w.c.
*go on a date with an affiliate of the w.c. .........very unlikely but i thought i would toss it up to spice up my list
so other than that whats going on? the first week of classes is over and i guess things are fine. since none of the material has really picked up yet i cant really complain or say good things. my night classes might be of difficulty passed on the fact that the teachers (both officers) are a bit of hardasses and expect a reasonable amount so it will be interesting. i have to learn and make sure not to fall back...seeing is each class is only once a week. advanced stats will be interesting. i was lucky enough to have it click with me last year but Iacino already said the classes would be different. i might be needing some help with this one. time will tell. interestingly enough, the hardest class may or may not be physical science. so the sad thing is its a 101 course for non-science majors (me) but i dont think our instructor knows how to teach on a 101 level. he tosses info and sheets at us that look simplistic but it still comes off as intimadating.
so i made up my mind on a work schedule. i'm set on working tuesday/thursday/friday for the obvious reason that its the best time. tuesday/thursday i dont start until 430...other than that i'm just a lazy ass doing nothing at the apartment. fridays i dont have class so it would be fine to work a shift and get off by 3 or so. i'll be working 15 a week as usual and i've even been contemplating seeking a 2nd job but that idea is still up in the air. when and where would be the question but its nothing more than an idea. the last time i looked at my bank account, i was down to my last 200 dollars. so the thing is that is still more than most of the other folks around here but it is low compared to the plans i have in regards to the up comming seasons. just looking up at my goals will entirely diminish my financial account. then i have to leave money on the side for the christmas season. as sad as it makes me, i may have to rule out concert going from my schedule this year. how sad. i'm still in the process of setting up an account on half.com and what not to sell some random stuff...dvd's and of the sort. whatever can get me some extra cash.
so what have i learned...well the living arrangement is actually going well thus far. living with norman hasnt provided us with ball breaking annoyance yet. the guys still pressure me to drink and i havent let up yet. we even had a chat about it earlier and i explained how it isnt about any "fear" i have towards drinkin...but rather its me not feeling the "need" to drink. i think they understand it more so now. than our talk moved to chicks and once again i find out some peoples objects and others desires. its funny but at least i no longer feel like the only one whos interesting in looking for a legitamite girlfriend rather then just another one night stand.
current mood: determined
current music: "Universal Traveller" by Air
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| Tuesday, August 30th, 2005
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1:40 am - king of the ughh
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so begins another year. i'm sitting up in my apartment at BU. the semester began today and i had two classes. research writing at 11 and physical science at 430. as you can tell theres that enormous gap of nothing in between. fortieter is gonna be a breeze again but the joker teacher physics really needs to dumb it down several dozen notches. its either that or he needs to learn how to teach a 101 class. its pretty sad but there are some familiar faces thus far that can share the complaints.
i moved in last thursday little known by the BU staff and to me it just still seems out of place. i missed the guys and living out here but i'm still just not ready. i cant focus yet nor do i have a desire yet. i seriously think that trip to texas really f'ed up my perception of time. since thursday i havent dont a whole lot but things i deemed important. scooter got a massive upgrade in his living arrangement when stefan was generous enough to give me his tank and accessories due to his lack of interest in buying fish. i put shit up on my walls and set up a new tv with a vcr and my playstation. honestly i have already thrown in a couple of hours of playing time on the ol game but hopefully i can get it out of my system by study time. the guys here continue to play halo and we've already whooped some ass against freshmen/opponents. i suppose halo still brings us all together but i feel as if all of us have sorta found our own nitches to life outside these walls. franky has the bandits, a 20 hour schedule, and baseball......dave has his band, football, eaglesnest....chris will be working for the science department soon along with his labs...and as for me i have a bulk of night classes with a work schedule comming soon. things just seem different.
until work starts i'll be bumming around the place not doing much i suppose. tomorrow i really need to buy some food since i havent much of anything. brings me to my next point...money. i didnt realize it but i'm running somewhat low. i mean i certainly have enough to get shit but i just blow money on movies and other shit like nobodies business. i just got to tell myself that my bankroll must survive me another month or so until i start banking checks again. foolish me. i hope this semester is full of fun times. brad already came up for a visit and we ended up hanging out at danas place. shes been estatic since moving in with people other then her former shitty roommates. she demonstated all her new found liberties and even demonstated ballroom dancing to her roommate. that lead to another funny story which resulted in constant jokes towards her...dream on. then we helped them have fun with their drunkin roommate who would be home soon and that was pretty funny as we listened to her beg for a half hour outside of the locked bedroom we were in. yada yada yada...funny
i really am not looking forward to this. i have class tomorrow at 430 and its advanced stats. i hate math! i have no f'n clue how i did so well in regular stats so this will be interesting to say the least. then both tuesday and thursday i have nightclass from 630-9. i am nervous. that is too friggin long and who knows how this material will be. ehhhh. i am not content until i get myself into a learning groove.
current mood:  nervous
current music: saves the day
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| Sunday, August 21st, 2005
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4:40 am - were just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl...
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i dont feel right for the simple reason that i did not get to take pictures of the summer crew before everyone headed off to school. and of course the final opportunity i did have, i didnt even think to bring a camera. there for i am an idiot and there wont be any new pictures on my board. my last hope is to just snatch some from brad and get copies. ah well but i'm a boner. yesterday the crew all attended the falco wake. me being me, i almost teared up upon entering simply because i have the feeling that i have been to too many wakes whether they were related to me or not. i spoke with the family and some of the relatives. everyone seems fine. i know this is going to come off as creepish but brittney was there and of course she caught my eye. i let it be until later when i stepped outside for some air when i found myself in a discussion with both her and her mother, tammy #3 or so. anyways we caught up and we both are on friendly terms much like we were years upon eons ago. again i faced the truth that andrea is starting high school and i began to feel old as dirt again. i suppose the humorous thing was discovering just how much of a hippie follow girl tammy was back in the day. in the same respect, it was also funny to see how wild and hairy of a guy mitch was back in the day...it was nuts. anyways as we all parted from the wake, i ran into brittney again and we continued to b.s. she gave me her story and i have to say i'm sorry education wasnt in there but then again i cant really say i was largely surprised...no offense. it just isnt for her and thats fine. again i'm going to sound creepy but she still is a very attractive girl and the sad part is her story and from what i see...it seems frankfort/new lenox had a similar fate for kayla. who woulda thunkin'
after the wake we ended up at danas watching shitty tv and playing bumper pool. eventually everyone showed up and me without a camera...stupid stupid me. sucks too since koll and brian left for school today. steigs leaves monday and yet most schools start monday...hell brad starts monday. so thats interesting. because of that, i'm probably move into school on wednesday or so. i have no reason to wait it out until saturday and with brad doing school then work...schedules limited. when i spoke to theresa she was really bummed about the end and everyone leaving. i never knew she was that emotional. well...maybe she'll join the winter crew. somehow i doubt i'll participate much since i was lazy or unable to do much last season. with nichole commuting to columbia...perhaps she will join. i mentioned the plot brad and i had for creating a movie and she was definitly in. someday...i just have to remind brad. well...this is the final weekend for most and i plan to watch some films and clock some time in final fantasy. i moved heavy shit into the apartment already so all thats left is the left overs and the final car ride. hopefully before school starts i can somehow find a window to get myself a cell phone with brads help. who knows. well...i better leave and dream about weird shit. ta ta
current mood:  mellow
current music: "Milk Mills" by Air
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| Friday, August 19th, 2005
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3:05 am - "watching the day burning out like a cigarette"
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i'm tired and yet i'm also full with enough energy to stay awake. i've spent the most part of this week in iowa with durkin. i left sunday and didnt return until earlier today. i would like to say it was a perfect trip but, of course, i had to get myself lost twice on the return leg of the trip and delay my return by damn near two hours. aside from that the trip was excellent as i felt somewhat productive helping mike set up his room and some furniture. i met a couple of really nice people such as carrie and we swapped some BU stories. a couple of days mike and i stuffed our mouths with some great food from the eattery hall and we watched several pretty good movies with the random people. i suppose the only bad parts would have been the times when mike wasnt around due to being on duty. those times still werent boring however since i spent them either sleeping or playing a little FF7. overall though it was an awesome trip and i'm actually looking forward to another tour. i just wish i knew when that would be. granted the 3 hour drive does drain me out a great deal since i'm not used to that long of trips. also, with the up comming semester it will be difficult to plan much ahead. i still worry about classes and grades (ever since i began to give a damn about school) so who knows when i will return for a visit. perhaps i can make the trip up when it comes time for his annual bar crawls. at least then i wont be a guarenteed driver nor be alone.
so summer is officially over. i simply cannot believe it. when i left, i never really took the time to look at a calender to notice that summer was ending in roughly two weeks. as of now i really have only one week left to do what i want but i may change that of my own will. officially the school wont give me a key until the 27th but this week i plan to take a couple of trips in order to ease up the carrying load. i still remain unsure of how i want to set up my room. i tend to reflect much of my character into things i design/organize (as stupid as that sounds). starting tomorrow i'll take my first trip with crap since i need to visit the financial aid office for the umth-teen time this month. for brad, this is his final weekend with xavier going back to session monday morning. the saturday night before i left for iowa we had a bon fire over at hulls as that was her going away thing. bradley and eastern will be gone on monday and u of i leaves shortly after. there really isnt a reason for me to stay anymore after monday i suppose. unfortunite for brad, he has classes and night games this comming week which leaves him unavailable. i'm thinking by wednesday i might just make myself at home at BU and chill until saturday when i get the keys. soon after i have to see whats going on with my job and prepare myself for classes. it seems like an adventure but its really just the same old song. i'm still excited to say the least but just a little bummed because i didnt get a chance yet to take some last minute pictures.
on a sad note, on wednesday brads grandpa died. for a while he had some complications and the family knew it was inevitable. i spoke to brad and he seems well and he gave me the info on the wake. after my trip to BU tomorrow i hope to clean myself up with a much needed shave and perhaps squeeze in a haircut that way i can look presentable when i dress up. i dont think i'll stay long but i want to do the nice thing and give my condolences. death itself has always been a bit of a touchy subject with myself. i know the falco family is strong so thats a positive. i myself am very emotional. i still feel real bad about not attending the wake of mikes grandmom and i doubt i'll ever forgive myself but...i dont really know what to say. some of the few family members i truly loved i have seen buried and i've attended a number of wakes for friends and even strangers. they are very uncomfortable things for me but if i can, i would like to show that i care and the family is in my prayers.
current mood: drained
current music: morning birds and silence
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| Thursday, August 11th, 2005
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1:59 am - and so it is...just like you said it would be
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it better rain tomorrow or else i am going to be very upset. anyways i was a little bored so i figured i would write a little something. this weekend (or if not, then early next week) i am suppose to take a trip out to iowa and visit mike and his school. i am really looking forward to it since i've only been their once before and i didnt get much of a tour. the only problem is finding out officially what days i get to go out there. i got the green light from home but i just await mikes verdict. aside from that venture, i am just counting down the days until the semester starts. it sounds sick saying that but its true. i've been to BU twice within the past 7 days mostly just hanging out with the roomies (minus useless mcgee) and watching movies. i suppose to make the trips a little more productive i made sure to find out what books i'll be needing for classes. i actually spent today up at BU watching star wars and playing a little bit of Halo against them guys. unfortunitly for frank, chris and departing for texas later this week and that other kid moves in on sunday. chris wont return until the following thursday so frank will have to survive 5 days with him. it was already predicted that by the time chris shows up frank will be attempting to murder gave......i cant wait.
hey those shitty cubs keep losing games and i keep laughing at the fact that idiot fans still think they have a shot. idiots. they got swept by the Reds today while on the good side of town the sox beat the yankees to take the series. wahoo! pretty soon i'm going to start packing and planning what to do with my room. every so often i cant help but look at myself and see how much i change from time to time. good or bad...its always both. lately i think i've found the inner anger and have been letting it out on some of my friends but mostly its just things where i make fun of others stupidity and the such. other then that i noticed that i'm starting to develope thirsts for knowledge and the such. i havent played much video games this summer which surprises me. instead i've found myself reading a good deal and just working on other things to occupy my mind. i still have a puzzle sitting underneath my bed that i barely started but even that got pulled out the other night and i threw together a couple more pieces. change is a scary thing my friend.
so anyways before i officially move back i want to make sure to take some pictures of lindsey and dana, brad and pollick and the such. i seem to be lacking any recent pictures so i got to get to work on that. if possible i would like to find a descent picture of myself so i can throw something up on the ol' facebook and what not. with any luck, i'll finish Devil In the White City before school starts just so i wont have clashing information with other stuff going on in my head. well that plus i had just abandoning projects i fully intend on finishing. word from nichole is that she is starting up at Columbia this semester so thats going to rock for her. hell...i feel excited for her and yet we dont see each other much. well...hopefully she knows the love is there. anyways i'm gonna end it here and do some last minute surfing before calling it a night. peace all.
current mood:  artistic
current music: "God Send Conspirator" by Coheed & Cambria
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| Saturday, August 6th, 2005
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2:51 am - shit, nothing makes sense so i wont think about it...
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she may not know it but every so often i go read ericas journal and i guess shes going through a phase where the past isnt the same for now...people move on and so on. weird. i kinda realized all that jazz at the end of h.s. and going into college. what was her hold up? anyways i only mentioned that because she made me think a lot about myself and it just so happened that i had to go through some old pictures while i was looking for a bookmark. more reason that memories and stuff came to mind. well... for starters, I began thinking of whatshername a while ago and how shes been evolving, so to say, in her own way. it just so happens that some are taking it as alienation although i dont fully understand why. i just continue to miss her as i always do and i continue to think about her as i always did. secondly, going through those old pictures i came across one too many faces i miss. it has its ups and down. there is a great deal of photos and memories i want to burna nd erase entirely just because i see no real purpose in keeping them. i wont do anything that harsh though. i dont know why but i rather keep those memories away at the bottom of a box rather then delect them permanitly.
life is just dandy. tuesday night i came back from a week in texas. the saturday before we left chris and i went to the warped tour. mike got us in and it was a pretty good show for what we "paid". among others i caught The Offspring, Mae, Thrice, and some other guys. i got plenty of free crap and posters and then i met one of chris' childhood friends. apparently his band The Hush Sound (whom only formed just this past feburary) inked a deal with Fueled By Ramen. Bob was a great guy and we talked for a bit. Things like that just tend to excite me and really catch my interest. hopefully chris will stay in touch with them more so we can go to shows. i listened to a song by them and i found it pretty catchy and funny really. at the warped tour i ran into steph koss, vince, pedro, and jessica. chris ended up leaving around 5 and i left early too so i could see pats band play their show with The Green Light Special over in Palos. that itself was an experience. once there i talked with kevin and as the night progressed i found myself talking with people i havent seen in over a year. sam, rollins, zack, the medinas....it was an awesome homecomming of sorts and i guess the same applied to a bunch of them. True Story (pats band) and TGLS were both impressive beyond my thoughts.
the sunday before texas i spent the day at durkins for his family/friend BBQ. i half expected nichole to show up but apparently she had something else going on. i admit i felt bummed about it but ...what could be done. it was fun regardless with brad, heebner, carey, lindsey and among others. durkins fam was pleasent to see also. at the end of the night it felt weird for me though. i was protesting the texas trip by staying out as late as i could but mike passed out shortly after midnight, everyone else went to play vollyball, and i was feeling somewhat out of place for no reason. i still didnt go home until 2 and some how i ended up not falling alseep until 4. my mom awoke me at 5 and we were out the door by 630. i just slept most of the trip. so this takes me to texas. the trip itself sucks...30+ hours in a van. i dont like vacations simply because there comes the stupid parent arguements, long hours, and fear. there was a fear because we had personally issues in the past between my father and my mothers family. we were not sure what type of behavior would insue since my mom was already taken off guard by my fathers descision to come with us. as it turned out, my father not only got along great with the family but he also enjoyed himself a good deal and awarded a monetary compensation for hospitality. in retrospect it was a positive experience for him not only because of his evolution from grudge to acceptance, but also because he finally got to meet the neices and nephews he never knew he had.
personally, i didnt want to go but since i had no choice, i dealt with what i had. during the entire stay i basically sat in a room and watched bootleg movies and new stuff. i played with my goddaughter and her twin and they really liked having me around. thats one thing i will truly miss. we saw their new house and i got to make fun of my mother with the help of "grandma". plenty of good stories. did i enjoy myself? i suppose i did for a fair amount but i would had preferred to have been back home. upon my arrival i discovered not a lot had changed but brad wasnt around. he was in st louis and was leaving for windsor 2 days later. then, of course, the idiot forgets to call back and i havent seen him since. idiot. mike already moved back to iowa we spent his last night just regrouping on the last week. as for now i think i'm going to have to plan about going for a visit before school starts. i think i'm headed over next weekend so i hope that goes without a hitch. brad doesnt come back until sunday and my folks really want me to get a cell phone now so with any luck i could get one as soon as monday. until then i've just been running random errains and doing what nots to make it look like i'm productive. while in texas i finished The Jungle and some issues of Wired. Dave O' Connell was nice enough to give me a book recommandation so right now i'm about to start "The Devil In The White City". all true story. little by little i'm gonna start to plan and pack for school and begin another year.
which brings me back to where i started. kinda... While in texas i would sometimes just let my mind wander and often i found myself thinking of her. even while on the road i would just start to think of her out of the blue without a cause. sometime ago i wrote a confession type of entry elsewhere explain my situation and i had a plan but now i'm realizing shes nothing more but an illusion that i will never see come true. what can i do? she has changed, times have changed, our situations have changed a great deal. we drift apart. erica is just finding that out now and here i am dreaming that i can stop further "change" with whatshername. i wish my printer worked so i can go about printing some new pictures. whatever can help erase some of those old memories and replace old faces. well...summer is still here for another couple of weeks. perhaps with brad back we can do something about her and enjoy the end of summer. one can only hope
current mood:  hopeful
current music: "Crawling Towards The Sun" by The Hush Sound
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| Monday, July 25th, 2005
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3:42 am - were just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl...
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this is enough going through my head to warrent an entry but due to circumstances beyond my control, i am unable to type a good entry. for now, i must leave you with word that i will be writing some when i get a chance. the circumstance that is keeping me is the dreaded family vacation. we're going down to texas and i couldnt be the more depressed about it. i had to say a sudden and unnessecary goodbye to my friends and the timing is really pissing me off in that i may or may not even be back in time to say farewell to mike. it sucks but i'm stuck. the only thing i ahve going for me is the fact that this may very well be the last vacation i take with my family. its just something i have to do. the madness and complication of it all must come to an end.
suppositly i may be able to take my have usage for my laptop while down there. word is they got the net and it should have a good connection with what i hear the family does down there. anyways if its true then i'll make sure to type my thoughts while i'm down there. until then, wish me luck and a speedy return from my otherwise mundane life at home. i will miss all.
current mood:  aggravated
current music: none
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| Sunday, July 17th, 2005
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3:40 am - with luck i'll find you at the end of the rainbow
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i tried writing an entry last night but that got interrupted and not in the way i would nessecarily have liked it too. its 340 and i'm still awake. thanks to the fool known as brad, i'm stuck on "Falco time". it started sometime earlier in the week when he came by and we watched Collateral until 530 in the morning. Since then i havent really recouperated yet and i have a hard time falling asleep before at least 4 in the morning. it sucks balls and i know its just killing me since my folks wake me at noon regardless. ehh...man am i lazy.
i think it was on wednesday when i just couldnt get to sleep. i attempted to close up shop around 2 so i read some of The Jungle in the attempt to get sleepy. it didnt work. i ended up staring at the ceiling for over three hours. i think i probably didnt fall asleep until 530-ish. to add to the great situation i was in, i get a phone call at 9 in the morning from brad. i got called into work because no one felt like telling the other kid that there was a game the next day. brad also happens to be 5 minutes from my house in which i must use to relief myself, dress, and run out the door. i was not pleased. i gave brad shit the entire day and i rightfully think he deserved it.
on the plus side of things, the AL beat the NL in the all-star game...nothing too new. cubs continue to blow and Sox are still #1. life is good. thursday night was fun because we took advantage of the bowling alley in countryside. $1 shoes and $1 games. too sweet! i called up nichole during the day to let her know we would be in the area and she should join us. much to my pleasure, she did. i simply forgot just how godly of a game bowling was. as for nichole, albeit we dont cross paths much, i love our time spent and i actually think shes participating in the bags tournament we have going on tomorrow. mike says its going to be a huge tournament so i'm praying i have get stuck with brad or someone shitty as a partner.
so heres one thing that pissed me off recently. first off, earlier in the week i had two nights of unusual dreams. night one i recall walking into my house and hearing the sound of dogs barking. i dont understand since my dog isnt with us anymore. instead, i walk downstairs and find two dogs that resemble Oreo to the tiny detail. the dogs had names of which i can not recall. i think it was something like Caitlin and C----something. they were smart because they understood anything i said. i remember asking my parents where and why we had these dogs and both said they bought them both at wal-mart (weird?) because they realized how much they missed Oreo. from what i assessed from this dream was the idea that i simply miss my dog a great deal and i'll neer forget her.
the second dream was a lot more creative and disturbing and is also the cause of my next complaint. at the begining of the dream i just remember it being goofy to the extent that i was watching my parents and other old people try out for "The Price Is Right". some friends of the past and complete strangers were in the dream with me. near the end i remember a scene where me and a girl are together but we had to distant ourself before another friend arrives. i get a call to await this friend at my front door. when i head down i notice a taxi and another car idling in front of my house. i step outside to signal the driver (under the impression it is whom i was wating for). instead this girl walks out wearing a coat and hospital cloths. i ask her what shes doing here and the first thing out of her mouth was "what you want to do me?" i wasnt sure how to react or respond but i acted in a half jokingly manner and said "in a heartbeat". again i ask her what shes doing at my house and she takes my question the wrong way as rude. i ask her if there was a problem and if so what? at this point i wonder if shes drunk only because she begins to mumble little things every so often and she looks terrible. she proceeds to tell me her story. apparently she had hoped to reconcile with her ex but instead became the victim of a beating and rape while being drunk. that moment i woke up
i took this dream on a serious level simply because it was graphic and it came from out of the blue. i know exacally who the girl is because shes someone i care deeply for....which only makes me worry more so. i have no idea why i would dream something like this. this was from the same night i saw collateral but not even that movie could have influenced such a scene. i dont understand it. i really dont know how to respond to such a vision but other to really just consider it nothing more but a bad dream. i wanted to share this with brad too see what he could make of it but i havent had a chance yet. then i tried sharing this with mike to see what he thought of it but he was quick to dismiss the entire discussion. this upset me more so. any time i attempt to start a serious discussion about something such as this, he immediatly dismisses anything and the discussion is over. i told him everything as it happened - event by event - and he claimed that i frabricated the bulk of the dream because he doesnt think i'm capable of recalling as much detail as i did. however i recalled every detail because as soon as i woke up i wrote down everything as it was still fresh. second, he gave me a smurk and said "what kind of sick person dreams this stuff?". thank you for branding me rather then making me feel better. i really dont know why he is the way he is but i do have one theory. since the girl is someone he knows i have/had a crush on, either he thinks anything i'll every say or do is childish or meaningless. when it comes to women, hes the kind of guy that will make you think twice of yourself only because he cares more about where he stands with that particular girl.
so i havent had any other unusual or disturbing dreams since then but i'm still hoping to see what brad can figure out from such a nightmare. its highly doubtful i'll ever confront whatshername about this dream simply because it isnt something she needs to her. i care for her too much otherwise. as for mike, well now i know he isnt the type to talk to for advice. what a let down. i cant wait for the tournament. it suppose to be hot as balls outside which will defintily suck but at least it will be great company and sarah suggested we BBQ it up. Nichole will be there hopefully so i'm definitly up for that. i better juice up the iPod and prepare to take money bitches
current mood:  dirty
current music: "Jenny Was a Friend Of Mine" by The Killers
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| Tuesday, July 12th, 2005
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3:23 am - unclear visions
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i'm not sure of what i'm looking for in particular at the moment. the past couple of days have reminded me of a great number of people. some of which i probably never even knew the name of. it seems hard to understand perhaps but we have all experienced the feeling at some point.
not that long ago i began looking through some of the old tapes i had made with my video camera. the bulk consisted of old local shows. Down In Front mostly. i sure do miss those times. what was better then going to some hot and sweety coffee shop on summer nights paying too much money to hear the same 8 songs sung over and over. believe it or not but i would go back in a heartbeat. Rhea was around, Adrian, Jessica before i ever knew who she was, Vince and all those guys. it was fun times. At some point, I would see brief photage of some girl i thought was hot but i never knew her name. interesting what a person will find on old tapes...truely interesting.
so after 2-3 weeks of badgering, brad finally gave me my paycheck. a little lower than i had hoped for and expected but i guess i have to make with what i got. once again i want to stress to myself that i shouldnt be spending as much as i am. lousy tempting summer and white sox games. so its official that my family is going on vacation to shitty texas in several weeks. i absolutly hate the idea, i hate texas, and i hate the fact that all three of us are actually going. i am going to be miserable but theres absolutly nothing i can do about it. i am really looking forward to school and leaving there once more. i'm looking forward to being back on a productive schedule and working. the feeling of being on campus is very diserable at the moment.
David is in a new band called Kedsey. This ought to be interesting. from what his bio says, he does vocals. I truely hope this band knows what they are getting into. Better yet, with that project it may perhaps get him out of the apartment more often then none during the school year. His singing sucks balls and i kinda hope hes just kidding or hes just some rarely used supporting vocals kinda guy.
current mood:  contemplative
current music: cars driving buy
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| Wednesday, July 6th, 2005
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3:50 am - dreaming of you
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the 4th has come and gone. safe to say i had a pleasent time. kudos to mike for having people over and our plans on the fly but it all worked our great. brad, brian, nichole and i were at his house by 5 and fested on some BBQ. granted, it rained and we all had to eat inside. actually, it rained all day but once and a while it let up and it gave us some opportunities to do something outside. brian and me went undefeated in bags all day with 10 or more victories. hoorah! heebner came by and hung out with us shortly after nichole headed home. we shot the shit for half an hour and at some point we decided to meet up with the girls, natalia and her friend for the richards fireworks. now this wouldnt have been so bad if we didnt wait to leave until 900. since we werent completely sure at what time the show started, we made it down and grossely underestimated how parking would be. we probably spent 10 minutes looking for a spot and we gave up on meeting anyone. we camped out at a spot and took in about another 10 of remaining show. fair enough. afterwards everyone else was invited to durkins for a bon fire. so it sprinkled a bit here and there for i guess no one really felt like having a fire or we were all just too lazy to move. instead we just spent the next couple of hours sitting on the deck talking about random topics and then making prank phone calls. prank phone calls....yea...we must be cool. how old are we? it was all funny never the less. actually around 1 or 2 we had sarah stop on over...and it just so happened everyone else felt like leaving...oh weird! sarah stuck around along with brad and koll and we just began to reminece about StL and grammer school and various other tangents. it was funny at the time but sarah thought we were all nuts for deweling on the past. there were funny stories though so it was hard not too.
the real heart of this entry deals with a friend. nichole. honestly the last time i saw her was...spring break i would like to say. since then shes been working at the tv station, living a real life, and apparently going to california. interesting enough ay? seeing her yesterday was a sight for sore eyes. i missed everything about her and...although i doubt it will happen, i would like to see her hanging out with us more this summer. once again i owe her some cds i burnt ages ago that durkin lost but..ah well. her plethora of music continues to evolve and i find it intriguing each and every time. she still asks me about elliot smith and i continue to lie to her. i swear soon i'll give a proper response. this time around we talked about alkaline trio, poked fun at the cubs with brad sitting right there, and yea. from the last several times we've been in each others company, you can definitely tell shes changed since her breakup with joe. little by little i can see her becoming an "ideal" type of girl. videogame player, music, fun, childish, great personality. its all just a fantasy though. if i didnt always remind myself of that fact, i would find bliss in ignorance.
as much as i would like to say thats it for all that creepy shit..lets throw in a dream. this is the second time i've dreamt of nichole the night after seeing her...but this wasnt the mushy type of dream...its just an ordinary wierd dream. about all i can recall is being in a hotel bar/dinning room of a setting. the building was a castle though. all these people are filling the bar and i know them all by recognition. my agenda is to hook up romanticaly with nichole but the obstacle in the way is her father. nichole is waiting for me and i'm trying to reach her without being noticed but i'm suddenly pulled to the side and sat down at a chair. big Al Zumpe is staring down at me...i'm nervous...and before i know what happened, Al is asking me a laundry list of questions relating to electronic equipment and opinions. this makes no sense to me but i begin to talk. the time passes and people are leaving the setting. before long, nichole is gone and Al is still firing away. i realize my chance is gone forever and i begin to look out the window to notice that its snowing and christmas time in the village below. i see tons of lights, preseants, and even some familiar faces of people approaching our castle setting. when i'm all alone, i find out that i have work to do. i find a quite spot and being when 5 more people come rushing out of some other room and proceed to split up all around this large hall. 10 more people pile in and everyone is working in groups attempting to solve great problems while i'm wondering what the hell is going on. i walk from table to table looking around until im chased out of the large room.
the next thing i remember is showing up at my apartment..but its not my identical apartment. everythings switched sides. frank and chris must of had a party since people are just everyone. i leave in hopes that i could find nichole somewhere and meet my destiny. instead i'm overwhelmed by the people and i end up talking to someone. the next thing i recall is opening the front door to find people asleep or passed out in the apartment. eric is on the coach, some guys are on the floor, and norman is making out with some ugly chick in the back. i close the door disguisted out of my mind. i looked through our peep hole and watch as both norman and the girl move towards his room. i get a sigh of relief but i'm still a little heartbroken about the whole nichole thing.
so what gives? i really should buy some batteries and carry my digi cam because i just know i wont see nichole for a long ass time. i'm a fun. my stomach feels funny and i just know i'm gonna wake up early to help the dad change the oil. hopefully i can sit around and do nothing again. i feel really worthless and i want to strangle brad for screwing me with the job so far. i sure would appreciate my last paycheck already too. "ideal" girl....why cant i find you? why cant you be her?
current mood:  melancholy
current music: birds singing
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| Monday, July 4th, 2005
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1:40 am - lost in the twilight
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i'm so bored. so its now the 4th of july but it means nothing to me. really, this holiday is just another excuse to grill food and eat outside with friends or family. my case will be with friends. durkins currently in iowa visiting his buddies and he'll be making his way back by noon. he already told me to expect him for a roadtrip and dinner with the family. i cant wait. my family came back from their trip to missouri around 4 today. honestly i did not care but they did bring me back some waffels. i admit that i currently still have a problem with their decision. perhaps this is the part where i fill you in on the event prior to their departure.
i woke up thursday morning the same as always when i hear my mothers voice say "i've got bad news". at first i didnt really pay much attention as i figured i was still in that little space between dreaming and being awake. several minutes later i come around and my mother repeats her phrase. she fills me in that my father has decided to make the critical move of ordering for the euthanasia of my dog Oreo. or course, i was in disbelief and asked myself why would they do this. it is true my dog was blind and has arthrites but she was pretty damn old. what bothers me is the fact i was not mentioned prior to this decision. my parents believed she was suffering from pain but i beg to differ. if she were suffering, she wouldnt move an inch to do anything, she would be crying, and other clear signs. what i saw instead was a dog who still was playing with me and still following her nose and stomach to the nearest source of food. i felt betrayed and completely unforgiving of both my parents but especially my father. i admit i still feel some negative feelings towards them. what currently bothers me the most is how neither have mentioned nor even acknowledge the fact that she was here. i'm feeling better then i was on thursday but i cant help but feel a big gap in my life.
the biggest pain in my life up to this point was the moment we arrived at the vet. my dog was nervous as she normally is when she realizes shes at the vet. the moment we went into the doctors room, i knew it was over. i did my best to calm down my dog and i completely broke down the moment she turned to me and jumped up to lick my face. i broke down once more i got back to my room but i was furious after seeing my dad just sitting in his chair watching his fucking television. i hardly ate and spoke the rest of the day and i fell alseep early. i have more then one reason as to why i didnt go with my parents to missouri and what they did to my dog was one of those reasons...but when my mother asked, i just gave her some other story that made enough sense to her.
after they left, i didnt wake up until 2 and i just spent the rest of the day in my room knowing that for the first time in as long as i could remember, virtually nothing would be waiting for me at the bottom of those stairs. for the most part, i waited for mike. i knew he was working and i didnt eat again except for a bowl of ceral and a insignificant size sandwich here and there. i hoped mike would be up for food. i waited until 130 in the morning and sure enough we met up. at El Gallo we witnessed a huge brawl between 6 individuals and of course they all booked by the time the police got to the seen. another reason to hate both drunks and people. mike and i ate and watched some tv. he mentioned the dog but i couldnt stand to tell him. i'm actually still not sure how to break the news to him or brad. he left at 4 and i was both restless and sad. the feeling of a completely empty house is 100% foreign to me. i began to wish for a miracle and i called up the only other person who could possible be up at 4 in the morning...brad.
brad answered and i spent the night at his house. we both fell asleep soon after my arrival. he still doesnt yet know why i tapped him at such an hour but i'll let him know soon. we both didnt wake up until 2 and we set plans in motion for the day. after a shower, both him and sarah came to my house to discuss plans for lunch/dinner. a pleasent surprise was learning that jenna volpi would be gracing us with her presence. i havent seen her since junior yr of high school..so this was a very cool surprise. before we met up with her though the three of us debated what to eat and ran an errain. we found ourselves standing around one of his family parties for 20 minutes. while brad talked with his family sarah and i just shot the shit for the while. eventually we found our way to pizza plus where jenna was waiting for us. pizza and more shit was shot. a very great lunch/dinner. so the sullivans were thinking of going to lisle for their Eyes In The Sky festival. Mike was totally in because we wanted to see BigBad Voodoo Daddy, whom was performing. so our party of four met up with others at the sullivans and we left for lisle. sadly we parted ways with jenna as she wasnt up for a trip to lisle since her home is only a couple miles away from it...making her trip to oak lawn almost pointless.
the show was great...the company was great...the stupid shit we did at danas afterwards was great. koll, polick, brian and others joined our group at danas and we proceeded to play some lame games, talk, kareoke, and bumper pool. we didnt let dana nor mike sleep and we were definitly there until after 4 in the morning. typical fashion for the other dorks, the night concluded following breakfest at mcdonalds. what interested me the most was a 10 minute discussion dana and i had about her butt. i said it before and i'll say it again, dana has the greatest ass out of any girl i know. however, the reason why we joked around so much about it was because she actually asked me if i liked it or not. i actually dont think i ever gave her a straight answer but...its nice. kinda wierd since i did mention it just a couple of days ago in the last entry. a part of me felt left out of the night after looking around. sarah and polick (as weird as that still is), jenny and pat, lindsey and the determined brad, and dana and koll...right? strange how all these couples are forming on the eve of the dance pair ups being revealed. the pair ups were written some time ago before anyone really got interested in one another...what was written shall come to pass... if you know me, you already know what i'm thinking and feeling so i'll spare the typing.
what is my ideal girl? this is sick but all that i can think of is about someone (or someones) i hardly know. Lisa from the past. I took the effort to talk and get to know her. we got along great, had things in common, great personality, and she genuinly had feelings for me. of course i was too stupid and infatuated with others. We were good friends and someone i could act normal with and mirrored a part of me. shes gone now and i dont know why. From the present I think of Lisa. Before I start to create some ackwardness to this person i dont even know...let me example. I saw this girl around campus that i found intriguing. short, colored hair...tall at first glance, a stunning beauty when you look her in the face, but a complete stranger. since i'm not the type to talk to girls, i attempted to find some connection and thats where carlton came into focus. he was a friend and whatever i knew about this girl was whatever i learned from carlton. shes a gamer, intelligent, creative, shy but playful to the bone. aside from similiar interests in other fields too. even though this girl was a stranger, just this image that was painted for me seemed enough for an ideal girl. the moment i saw her for the first time..the image was complete. i wonder what the odds are of finding another such girl? slim to nill. hows about something close to it? close to her or the lisa from the past? there exists hope if it only took 6 years for another like girl to come along. odd how this "ideal" girl both happened too of had the same name. the more i think about it, the more i think a "Lisa" is ideal compared to every other girl i have ever felt for. whether its nichole, michelle, dana, lindsey, or erica, kayla, whatever. even if i was ever in the same league of any of those girls, i just know that neither would be as great as a "lisa -ideal girl".
i walk an empty street. i see life differently from my parents. she didnt have to die. my life friend was taken from me. my friends are evolving at rates that render me childsome. the only thing i have going for me is the feeling that perhaps i have finally created an "ideal" type of girl for me. whats left is to keep an eye out or hope something rolls my way and reestablishes some of the emptiness resting in my heart
( more time consumers )
current mood: crushed
current music: "Rockin' The Suburbs" by Ben Folds
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