| Is that too much to ask? | ||||
| 09:14pm 26/05/2006 | ||||
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hopeful| Another correct horoscope.... | ||||
| 11:48pm 19/05/2006 | ||||
Funny, because I did have an idea. And I can't wait to do it. Strange that it came while taking a shower and listening to Michael Buble. I've been tossing aroung an idea in my head for the past few days from something that I came across on my MySpace on the LB site. Totally fucking amped about it. Now I just have to get a job to support the dream, lol. And I know I can do it because I have an eye for these things. And whenever I hear a song I think about it. Any song. It's like a little mini movie turns on in my head. Someone told me I should do this in high school but never thought twice about it. And now I'm thinking thinking thinking about it. I do need to rest though. Have to move some final stuff from J's old house to my place tomorrow. *sigh* I'm going nuckin' futs over the thought of it being done and over with. I need to sleep and regenerate. And find a job this week. Damn it. |
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excited| What the fook is up? | ||||
| 04:09am 18/05/2006 | ||||
Things are....well....kind of stagnant right now. And I fucking hate it. I don't want anything bad to happen of course but......this looking for a job shit and helping Jeremy move is a bitch. My sleep schedule (or lack thereof really....) is even more out of whack and that's not good. Not right now. So went to the doc the other day and got some tests run. Said he didn't feel anything in my right breast but that I should do exams more. (Yeah, and floss and exercise and not bite my nails, etc...) But I think I will. Can't afford not to really. Got a PAP done and am waiting on the results. Not scared or really worried about that but you never know. (Especially if you slept with the dude that turned out to be the dirty little male whore I did, and the female one he did that had HPV. *shiver*) Also got a HIV test done. That was an experience. At first the really awesome nurse stuck herself with the thing (she's really nice and funny, always my nurse.) which made me laugh. Then she went to get another one and then saw when she was about to stick me that the vial had water in it. So then she went back....I'm sittin' here thinkin'; "God, this is NOT amusing. This is a SICK joke..." And it's not that I'm worried about it. It's just better to know and be able to say that "Yes, I've had one" ya' know? I mean , I've only slept with two people but the nurse said she is married and still has them every few years. I'd have one every year that way I could narrow it down and know as soon as the bastard was cheating on me, lol. What amazes me is I can't watch it being done to myself or others, or see really gorey things without weakening in the knees but others can and they are scared of needles. I'm not really scared of them. There is always anticipation but I'm not gonna' pass the fuck out like some people or ball my balls off *cough* Amanda *cough* when they rub my arm with the peroxide cotton ball. I just talk and look away like nothing is happening. I must have something backwards somewhere in my brain. Well, I must be off to rejuvenate for tomorrow. Need to load up my car and take a bunch of shit to my house. I didn't realize how much shit I still had over here! Don't know what I'm going to do with it either. I have one closet but that it probably about to be chock full of shit. I still have stuffed animals that I have from my childhood that I will never get rid of but....I'm gonna' have to find a place to put them. Might see if my landlord will let me store them in the garage below me. Jeremy has an assload of furniture that he's taking to his new place but most of it is going in a storage unit. He found a roommate and hopefully that will work out. Anyway, gonna' get some shut-eye till I have to wake up in three and a half hours. Toodles. "If you want something done, give it to a busy man" Or woman. |
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tired| DO THIS! | ||||
| 10:37am 12/05/2006 | ||||
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amused| Excited! | ||||
| 10:29am 12/05/2006 | ||||
Got lots to do today so why am I sitting here typing?! Key phrase to repeat to myself this weekend if someone should piss me off...."Goosfraba....goosfraba." |
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anxious| Well well well.... | ||||
| 12:13am 12/05/2006 | ||||
Talked to Amanda today and she says she is going to move back here without her boyfriend. He is one of your typical ALABAMA, content to be average no good losers and is trying to guilt her into staying with him. Which of course is unhealthy and etc....but anyone with an active brain cell would know that. There's a lot more but not gonna' put her business all out there. She should be coming up this weekend to hang at my house and hopefully we can talk and layout and do girl things that are much needed on both our parts. It'll be nice to have a girlfriend here to talk to. I know I've got Tamara, but I think we're more "City Buddies" than anything. There are just so few normal girls that aren't married like a fucking retard or knocked up or tied down by a heathen that it's hard to find someone that can just let go and have fun. Anyway, watched one of my olf favorite movies tonight. "Fried Green Tomatoes." It's such a good story. Makes me wish I had a time machine even more just so I could go back into that time and experience those things. Be in the real old south. With the exception there would be no central heat and air, it would be awesome. Anyway, I love history and old houses and shit like that. Jeremy and I were watching something the other day and I think he realized just how evil and "so full of hate" I am. I really need to see a shrink or something...because I can guarantee you, if people keep abusing my lack of trust the way they do (and yes, you can abuse a LACK of trust) I'm going to explode. And it's only getting worse day by fucking day. Pretty soon I'll just be a block of ice with eyeballs and hair. Thanks so much. |
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cold| R&R.... | ||||
| 12:38pm 09/05/2006 | ||||
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rejuvenated| Timing is everything. | ||||
| 12:26am 08/05/2006 | ||||
Anyway, that's not what this is about. It's about timing. I was thinking today about unanswered prayers. And that song by Garth Brooks came to mind (as so often songs do when I start thinking about things like that) "Unanswered Prayers." I'm glad I wasn't able to get that car. I would have been totally fucked if I had. And so many other things I've prayed for that didn't happen. Lord knows what kind of situation or condition I'd be in now. Ugh, it makes me nauseas to think about it. Literally physically sick. And I'm grateful. Hopefully I'll remember this feeling if that opportunity ever rises again. I'm so much better than that. So...back to talking about timing. Jeremy asked me "out" in 8th grade. And since my mother was such a fucking Nazi I could never do jack shit, I never replied to his little "locker note." Although I really wanted to. And I knew that he and I would always have some connection. I felt it in my bones. And I knew that something would happen later. I could say so much more but I feel I'd be showing my Ace card. I'll leave that to the people who were involved in the inevitable reunion. You know who you are....and thanks ;p. MUCH love. But I was right. And it really was all about the timing. I think if I had been allowed to have a life and "date" him in 1998, things would have been stupid and immature and just plain the fucking wrong time. And I know that I had to have moved out on my own to experience what I did. Moving out of my moms at 17 was the key to the past four years. Good and shitty. I knew that it was what I wanted. And I got it. He asked me out in 1998 and I got him in 2002. By my own doing. Talked to Amanda today and asked her if she ever looked in the mirror and asked herself where was there a fork in the road? Was it dark outside when we came to it? Or was it inside? Because my 18 year old self would ask me the same thing? And I'm not in an undesireable place at all (*knock on wood*) but not where my plan would have lead me. But, life happens. And it's what happens every second. She was asking me for all sorts of advice today and the only thing I was willing to tell her on the phone was follow her gut. Don't make such drastic decisions that your gut doesn't follow that you will regret in 10 years. Quit sacrificing so much because your letting this moment, this life, pass you by. Act 21 not 41. I regret so much that is physically hurts me when I think about it, and because of this I have to pick carefully what movies I watch, not appreciating the limited childhood, teenage moments that I was able to have. But you don't know better. I would love to have a time machine. I would go back to so many moments. But I can't so I tell myself, "Bitch! Quit dwelling!" I caught myself Friday night in a moment where I was about to become self conscience about dancing like an idiot to this stupid dance (it was a stupid song and other people were doing it but the old me kinda' kicked in for a split second.) Anyway, I said fuck it! I'm 21, I only get this chance, this moment once. That's it. So I stayed on the dance floor and danced half booty dance, half robot with these two hip hop looking white guys (who, granted, could dance!) I love to dance and if I say so myself, I CAN dance. And I mean DANCE, not just shake my hips and ass like these MTV Video wannabe' ho's. And I had fun and loved every second of it. I have "Appreciate Now!" as my cell banner. And that is some of the point of my want to make a scrapbook. So maybe I can do somethings that I didn't do. And I love that song by Natasha Bedingfield. "Unwritten." I am unwritten, Can't read my mind I'm undefined I'm just beginning The pen's in my hand Ending unplanned Staring at the blank page before you Open up the dirty window Let the sun illuminate the words That you could not find Reaching for something in the distance So close you can almost taste it Release your INHIBITIONS Feel the rain on your skin No one else can feel it for you Only you can let it in No one else, no one else Can speak the words on your lips drench yourself in words unspoken Live your life with arms wide open Today is where your book begins The rest is still unwritten Oh, oh, oh I break tradition Sometimes my tries Are outside the lines We've been conditioned To not make mistakes But I can't live that way oh, oh Staring at the blank page before you Open up the dirty window Let the sun illuminate the words That you could not find Reaching for something in the distance So close you can almost taste it Release your inhibitions Feel the rain on your skin No one else can feel it for you Only you can let it in No one else, no one else Can speak the words on your lips drench yourself in words unspoken Live your life with arms wide open Today is where your book begins Staring at the blank page before you Open up the dirty window Let the sun illuminate the words That you could not find Reaching for something in the distance So close you can almost taste it Release your inhibitions Feel the rain on your skin No one else can feel it for you Only you can let it in No one else, no one else Can speak the words on your lips drench yourself in words unspoken Live your life with arms wide open Today is where your book begins The rest is still unwritten The rest is still unwritten the rest is still unwritten I absolutely adore that damn song. And you cannot listen to it and feel bad. And I love that. Maybe something is coming over me. Maybe it's a little bit of optimism. I highly doubt it. But it feels good. Amanda says I sound different. Not my voice but maybe my tone. Like, that I've changed a good bit. I don't really know what to say to that. I guess maybe I'd have to have an out of body experience to see it. I'm a little happy. So, with this entry I leave saying... |
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chipper| Dilemma... | ||||
| 09:49pm 07/05/2006 | ||||
Amanda is supposed to come up this weekend from Dothan and we are gonna' go shake our asses at the club. She desperately needs to get away from her life there. I feel so sorry for her. And I know what she should do and I can tell you what her problems are, but I don't want to be the one to tell her. Because she won't like it. But, I just may. Because that's what friends are for. I just don't want it to look like "I'm filling her head with crap..." because I don't want to be hated for telling her thr truth. |
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frustrated| WALK OUT. | ||||
| 10:21am 05/05/2006 | ||||
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nauseated|
lilolme_2003 |
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