*Just Being Me*'s Blurty Entries [thoughts|lovely creatures|thoughtful days] *Just Being Me* [ You wanna know | who I am? ] [ Thoughtful | days and nights ]

I think I'm going to hurl.... [03 Sep 2008|08:36pm] [ mood | nervous ] [ music | Bones ~ FOX ] I start my first official day of work as a supplemental instructor tomorrow. I. Am. Nervous. Beyond. Belief. Apparently, I'm supposed to help them work on their letters to the editors since they're being given a second chance for a better grade. So, my lesson plan has been pretty much decided for me; no biggie there. Knowing that doesn't make it any better. Gah. *head hits laptop keyboard* 4 dared to leave their thoughts| your thoughts?

You know you are... [31 Aug 2008|01:59am] [ mood | dorky ] David is evil. Yeah, you know are. For making me have an argument with you and typing up those long ass comments. The second to last comment I had to cut back on, too, because it got too long. You are truly evil. And yet, you kinda made me think and express myself. So thank you. You're still evil, though. But the good kind. :D 2 dared to leave their thoughts| your thoughts?

B-day is fast approaching... [31 Aug 2008|01:53am] [ mood | Trying to remain hopeful ] In about ten days, counting today, but not the day itself, I will be a year older. Yay me. Instead of getting excited, however, I am struck with turmoil and frustration. I keep getting hit over and over again with the same thought I had last week: I thought I'd be in a different place by now. It's just that there's so much I want to do; so much I thought I'd have done by now. I thought I'd be in or finished with grad school. By the same token, I thought I'd be working on or finishing my first novel. I thought I'd have a steady job editing books or articles. I thought I'd be traveling. I thought I'd have a side job singing somewhere. I thought I'd be working on a second novel. I thought, I thought, I thought. But there's so many obstacles; obstacles put there by myself or by something I need to get from point A to point B. And then I get pessimistic and frustrated and want to give up on my dreams. Then I start blaming The Bastard and The World for everything; for shitting on me. But that part of me, the little girl, won't and doesn't because she knows better. Because the only person who is really in the way is me. The Bastard and The World are always going to be fucked up (and the former will be locked up until he's old and gray), but that doesn't mean I have to succumb to it and let them win. I don't have to be something they tried to conquer and win. But it's still hard when there are actual things in your way like money issues or letters of recs needed for this and that. And it all gets so very tiring. I just hope that once I actually start working on Thursday, that once I start doing more things, I'll start to feel a little bit better about my life. I'm trying to see this whole new experience as a step in the right direction and that more good things will come. I just have to keep going, keep working at this thing called life, and just keep hoping and dreaming. And I'm going to try my damndest to enjoy my birthday just like I used to when I was a kid. your thoughts?

I hate that I did this... [30 Aug 2008|09:56pm] [ mood | Grrr at myself ] I had an entry.... Then I accidently hit the wrong button, causing me to lose it all. I freakin' hate it when I do that. 4 dared to leave their thoughts| your thoughts?

*sheds a tear* [27 Aug 2008|08:32pm] [ mood | tearful, yet proud ] You know when you go back to a place and see it thriving without you and you get that feeling where you want to cry because they've all moved on, but at the same time you left something behind that makes them all smile and want to hug you when you pop in for a visit or whatever? And you want to do the same thing to them? Yeah, I got that feeling today when I popped into Tempest to get my copy of some of the readings for M's English (the books are either missing due to the bookstores move to the back half of the cafeteria or it really is getting snatched up every time new orders come in). I got the whole "Iris!" and hugs and smiles and the like from my old staff. And I saw the newbies. L has a grand total of 11 staff members while I had six and so far he's doing a great job and it looks like he's got a gung-ho group of people. I guess I just feel sad or something along those lines. Because I really loved it in Tempest and would've loved to be a part of a bigger staff. But my time there is done and I'm moving on to helping others with English 1. And I'll get paid for it. Still, today kinda grips at my heart in a way I can't really explain except that it's like not being able to see your friends or family because they've all moved away or you moved away from them. And you're all getting along fine without them, but then they tell you stories about all this great stuff and you tell them stories about all this great stuff but in the end everyone gets this feeling of "Aw man, I wish I was there when that happened to you." I don't know. I guess that feeling is a part of loss, for lack of a better word. Both my best friend and I experience whenever we tell each something new in our lives i.e. me and The Boyfriend or her pregnancy. Living miles and miles apart leads to so much being missed and it sucks...but we do the best we can. Which is what I'll have to do with this new feeling I have. I know it'll pass. But for right now...*sheds a few tears but still feels proud of herself and her old staff.* your thoughts?

Seriously? [26 Aug 2008|12:02am] [ mood | flabbergasted ] [ music | The Middleman ] I slept until 6 p.m. Wtf? Seriously. I went to bed at 4 a.m. after doing some retail therapy (black Mudd "Floppy" Oxford from JCPenney and a brown cabbie hat and a gray cadet hat from Kohl's). I got plenty of sleep. But for some reason, maybe because The Boyfriend was still asleep having gotten home late from work or because something else was going on with me, I kept going back to sleep. I'm hoping it's because I was just so comfortable sleeping in bed and not some medical condition or whatever. In other news, one more week and a half until I start to actually work and make money. I just hope someone shows up for the sessions. And in other, other news, I will be 27 years old in a few weeks. I seriously want to hurl. Seriously. 2 dared to leave their thoughts| your thoughts?

[19 Aug 2008|09:30pm] [ mood | unsure, but hopeful ] Yesterday was the first day of classes, but today was the first day of M's English class. Even though I haven't been officially approved, M had asked me to come in today so that everyone could put a face to the name. So, I did. I sat up in front like I was supposed to and waved to everyone when M introduced to me. I took notes as she did a short lecture on what a thesis and what a summary is and their differences and significance. And then the class got into groups of three, four or five and had a mini discussion on an article about immigration. I could already see, as I wondered around a bit, which ones were gung-ho and which ones were the quiet ones/the ones who work on their own. I used to be one of those quiet ones. Anyway, I have two weeks to kill until I actually start my job. So, I'm planning on getting ahead by reading the essays and chapters and formulating possible questions, lessons, whatever. I still have my fears, however. My biggest fear being that I'll screw up somehow by not providing enough. My second fear is that no one will show up since this program is new to the community college and not something students have to go to unlike at the universities like UC Davis where the supplemental instruction was required; you were automatically signed up to a session when you signed up for whichever section of the English class you picked. I just hope someone shows up not just because I want to get paid, but because I really do want to help. Even if it's only two people and M, I'll take it because I'll have helped them. *sigh* I'll just have to wait and see. But for the time being, I'm going to continue to sit back and relax. And figure out my game plan. Oh, and keep working with the puppy. your thoughts?

Awww...*sniff sniff* [18 Aug 2008|10:54pm] [ mood | loved ] [ music | XXIX Summer Olympics ~ NBC ] I got onto my facebook and found a message on my wall from one of my old staff members. She told me that they all miss me and that L was trying his best to take on my old role. That one little note made me smile. I miss them and Tempest like crazy. It's kinda weird not being there. I will be checking the site frequently to see what they have in store for this semester. And I know they'll do just fine because they all rock. And I'll probably see them when they come in since I should be working all of M's office hours, not just the ones for her English class. In other news, I still have yet to tell my parents and therapist that I have a job. I figured I'd wait just a little bit longer...like when I start get approved and paid. And it's funny because of the three of them, my therapist will be the one who will freak out the most with my dad being a close second, but his will be more in a joking manner. My mom will be happy rather than shocked. your thoughts?

There goes my mind again... [18 Aug 2008|02:20am] [ mood | anxious ] So, I have a job. I don't get paid for it until after September 3rd since the Governing Board has to approve all SIs, but I definitely have a job. No interview. No resume. No blah, blah, blah. Just M believing that I could be a good supplemental instructor (aka instructional aide) for her English 1 class and her telling D to get everything going for me. I did have to fill out paperwork, which included an official application. But apparently, I now have a job where I can work up to 20 hours a week, which I don't see happening really. It'll probably be more like 8 hours a week; during office hours, during class, and one session. Not much, but it's a start. Once all the excitement seemed to slip out of me, however, I slowly began to become anxious. Seriously, what makes anyone think I can teach/help students pass this class? What do I know that I can possibly teach and give to these new Fall students? Can I seriously do this job? I've always told people that I never wanted to be a teacher of any sort. I'm not the type to stand up in front of people and lead them, guide them, and the like because I tend to be the follower. I've never been much of a leader... Until I took on the role of editor-in-chief for two semesters. I've never been one to speak kindly about myself and I'm not about to start now, but apparently, I did something right and well; something that showed M I could help others. Because all I did was help my old staff. I was not only editor-in-chief, I was their copy editor/proofreader. I read every single story and organized it, cut things out, provided suggestions, etc. so that their stories read better, looked better. They didn't have to listen to me and what I wrote/did; they could've easily gone to M and had her proofread their stuff. But they trusted me enough to do it; my news editor even trusted me enough to look over her English essays. And in the end, whenever we came home with an award or two, I was always thanked because they thought I was just as big of a reason for why they won. Or that I am one of the reasons why they were able to learn the odds and ends of a story. And yet, I still have to go "Um....what?" Seriously? Are you people freakin' serious? ... Yes, I guess they are. Because people can always see the good things in you before you can see them in yourself. Because when you're hard on yourself, it's hard to believe you can do anything right. I will always be hard on me; I will always have a huge amount of disbelief in my abilities in whatever it is I may be doing. At the same time, however, I know that somehow, with what I've gained the past two semesters and what I've learned about myself these past two semesters, I can do this. It won't be perfect and I won't always know if what I'm doing is having any effect, but I have to try. All I can do is my best and that is better than sitting and wondering "what if?" your thoughts?

Slow the fuck down! [11 Aug 2008|12:31am] [ mood | headachy and annoyed ] Why the hell is it the second week of August already? Didn't it just become August? What the fuck? Slow the fuck down already! In other news, I'm sad that Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes died a few days apart. 2 dared to leave their thoughts| your thoughts?

This and that... [09 Aug 2008|12:19am] [ mood | blah ] ~ I still have to go through the hiring process for the job, which I expected, but did I mention I hate interviews and the like? No matter how prepared I am, I freakin' freak out and blubber. But if I make it, I can work up to 20 hours a week for $14.16 (or something like that...I can't remember at the moment). I'd be working during M's class on Tuesdays and Thursdays and during her office hours. We'd have to figure out when I'd be able to work other hours beyond that to provide the supplemental instruction for her students....which means we'd have to figure out the best times/available times for her students during the week. Exciting, yet scary. I still question if I can really do this, but doesn't everybody when it comes to a new job that they actually may/want to do? ~ Bubba's been doing good, but is also still a huge pain in the ass. I keep tellling myself that it's because he's a puppy, he's still teething, and he needs to learn this and that. Still an annoying little shit that I love. ~ I hate myself for not working out. I feel fatter than before. I fucking have to nip this laziness in the butt. In other news, I feel so stupid right now. your thoughts?

Is this the change I've been looking for? [06 Aug 2008|09:14pm] [ mood | anxious and excited ] Apparently, M still wants me to be her instructional assistant for her English 1 class. She left a voicemail asking if I was still interested. Is this the change I've been looking for? Is this the one shiny new thing I need to get my ball of life rolling in the right direction? I don't know if I'd be any good at the job. And I'm downright frightened and a bit worried and anxious about not being able to help her students.... But I just emailed her and told her that I was still interested. I gotta step out and take a chance sometime, right? I can't stay in my safe little world and do dead-end jobs (if and when I got one) that I could probably do in my sleep and would leave me very unsatisfied and dead. I need to do sometime that makes me anxious, yet at the same time, makes me excited. Because that's when I know it's the right thing to do. It's the same feeling I get whenever I think about writing/finishing a novel and going to grad school. And right now, thinking about this job, this possible new role, twists my stomach up in knots and makes me smile. your thoughts?

Owner in training [05 Aug 2008|01:13am] [ mood | exhausted ] When the going gets tough and I have no idea what in the hell I'm doing, I seek out help. The puppy is driving me nuts every time he wakes up. He's getting the hang of using the bathroom on the paper...the problem comes when he wants out and it's 2 or 7 a.m. in the morning and I have only gotten about 4 hours of sleep. He hates being confined and even manages to push the gate with his snout just so he can get out (of course, it's not the sturdiest of gates, so that's our bad). Normally, I'd let him whine his little ass off and go back to sleep. Chanel went through the same thing when we got her and she eventually learned that we're still around even if we confine here or that we're heading out but will be back at some point. But that was when she was living in a house and we could let her whine until she got tired. We're in an apartment now and we've downstairs neighbors to worry about (however, I'd love to disturb their asses since they seem to have no respect for their neighbors, having loud ass conversations and getting drunk with their friends until 2 or 3 in morning on a weeknight almost every week). So, I can't let him whine until he passes out. But that wraps me around his little paws. And that keeps me from actually going out to do stuff because then I'd be worried he'd get out and rummaging through stuff or pissing and shitting everywhere. The solution is as easy as pie. I know I need to let him whine his ass off until he realizes that no one is coming to let him out or pick him but at the same time he realizes that I or my mom or dad are still around or will soon be back. I can't do that here. So, I'm taking him with me to The Boyfriend's where he can actually be left alone to whine and no downstairs neighbors for me to worry about. Plus, it'll do him good to interact with more people and other dogs. And I can freakin' get help on how to properly train a puppy so he doesn't have unwanted issues/a bad behavior when he gets older. So here's hoping a week-long of training at The Boyfriend's will do Bubba some good so that when we come back home, he can be confined without him whining and my mom and I can go out and actually do something before she has to go back to work in a few weeks. And I just realized that my last few entries have been about Bubba. Lmao. 3 dared to leave their thoughts| your thoughts?

This is what it's like when you have a baby... [05 Aug 2008|12:36am] [ mood | tired ] Watch his every step. Make sure he's fed. When he poops and pees, you clean it up. You play with him. On the flip side, he wakes up every two-three hours. He whines upon waking up whether it be 2 am, 7 am, or just plain old throughout the day until you can't take it anymore and you freakin' give in and pick him up or clean up after him. You get very little sleep until he is able to sleep much longer through the night, mainly because he's older, is able to hold peeing and pooping off, and isn't in need of something from you. But every waking minute before that point, you take care of him. You watch him. You get up when he wakes up. Everything revolves around him until you learn that he whines not because he's hungry or has peed or pooped, but because he just wants your attention; because he's slowly learning that he's got you wrapped around his little fingers. At some point, you have to draw the line and teach him some discipline; teach him that every time he whines, you're not going to come and take him out of his bed. You have to teach him that everything will be just fine if he sleeps through the night; that everything will be just fine if he's left alone for a few hours in his bed while mommy sits back and relaxes a bit; that you will be there, will always be there, even if he can't see you and especially when you don't come to appease him when he whines amd whines. This is what it's like when you have a baby... And, apparently, when you have a puppy. 2 dared to leave their thoughts| your thoughts?

*shakes head* [31 Jul 2008|11:17pm] [ mood | annoyed ] I had forgotten how tiring a puppy can be. My mom already wants to return him to his previous owners. She's going to get more annoyed this weekend when I'm at The Boyfriend's. She just doesn't understand that Bubba needs time to adjust. She has so little patience for anything these days. In other news, I'm suddenly feeling like a slacker bum...even though my therapist tells me that I make a horrible slacker since I worried/get annoyed when I'm late for things like our sessions and how I feel like I no longer have the drive/ambition to go after what I want. Gah, I'm just hopeless, I guess. And annoying as hell. your thoughts?

New puppy... [30 Jul 2008|10:33pm] [ mood | giddy ] [ music | I will survive ~ Cake ] So, we got a new puppy today from my dad's friend. They say he's pure chihuahua, but he's kinda big and got a bigger snout than our other chihuahua Chanel has. Maybe it's because he's a boy. Or maybe he's mixed. Who knows. He's still a cutie with his floppy ears that'll start to stick up soon and his apple forehead. My dad named him Bubba. Yes, you read that right. He's supposed to be my dad's dog, but I'm convinced he just wanted to come home to a pet that didn't bark at his ass every time he came home. Chanel, to this day, still can't stand my dad; can't stand anyone else but me and my mom, really. As I've said in the past, she was never liked this; not until the day of my assault did she change. I think the combination of whatever the fuck the bastard did to her and all those police officers in our house got to her or something. I mean, what else could it be? She used to love playing and meeting new people until that day. Now, she thinks everyone is out to get her or hurt her, which I totally understand since I still get that feeling, too. Anyway, Bubba's been pretty good so far. He's even peed twice on the paper instead of some random spot. We did have to bathe him when he got here since he got sick on the way home in the carrier, but after that, he's been good. And Chanel likes having someone to play with for a change. In other news, I found out I may get glaucoma when I get older because apparently, it's hereditary. My dad is right at the border, according to his doctor who told him to tell his kids. And I get the double whammy because Asians can get a certain type of glaucoma, too. Yay me. your thoughts?

Completely random and dorky... [29 Jul 2008|12:43am] [ mood | silly ] I've suddenly been struck with a fascination with socks. Knee-high crew socks with cute designs or stripes or skulls and bones or whatever. I'm dying to get my hands on two certain pairs I came across last night online. I think the fascination ties into the whole wearing more dresses and finding little things here and there to my appearance...which all ties into this feelings for change. It's like I'm trying to create something new; something to add on to my identity. It may be being done, used, worn by others, but I still plan to make it my own. But yeah, knee-high socks. I'm getting those pairs that I want. And yes, this was completely random, dorky, and stupid, but whatever. I really don't care. This is how I am and I love it. 2 dared to leave their thoughts| your thoughts?

May be small, but still... [25 Jul 2008|11:37pm] [ mood | surprised ] So I got The Boyfriend the Flavor Sack so he could have some chips to munch on at work and while at home. He opened it up to grab a bag, but also because he noticed the "Look for Lunch Money in your variety pack" picture on the front of the bag. He pulled out a foil colored thin packet and opened it, expecting to find a coupon saying "This coupon is redeemable for said amount of cash" or nothing at all. Instead, he pulled a folded up, yet crisp one dollar bill. We were both surprised at the discovery. And now, I am tempted to buy more variety packs to see how much more money we can find, lol. your thoughts?

So made my day.... [23 Jul 2008|11:38pm] [ mood | giddy ] As I stopped, waiting to make a right turn onto the street of my therapist's office building in downtown Davis, the "car" on my left caught my attention. It was a big ass Radio Flyer with two occupants, a man and a woman. It. Was. Freakin'. Awesome! It made my day, making me giggle and smile from ear to ear. :D 2 dared to leave their thoughts| your thoughts?

Trying to make some change... [21 Jul 2008|02:24am] [ mood | Strangely comfortable ] So far, it's been nice just sitting back and relaxing for the summer. I may not be doing much, but it's actually nice not to being anything. And I'm not even anxious or depressed about it. I guess I'm more in that stage of letting things just be. But I also know that I need a change. I need something. I need structure. Right now, I'm doing little things, things I rarely do. I've started putting $5 in this little jar I decorated with pink tissue paper when I was in Daybreak. So even though I use the money my dad gives me from time to time for food or gas or one little new thing whenever I'm at The Boyfriend's, I still have some saved up just in case. I've also been wearing skirts and dresses a lot more these days. Naturally, one would think that this is something most girls do during the summer. Not me. I've always been perfectly content with wearing jeans every single day. I hardly ever wear skirts and dresses. But, I don't know, the urge to wear them struck me one day and I bought four new ones (at separate times) and started rummaging through my other dresses and my skirts. And now, I've started wearing them again. On Wednesday, I'm going to start working out again no matter what time my ass gets up. I'm not going to be lazy and feel like shit about my body and not do anything about it any longer. If I want my body to look better, I have to do something about it. At some point, most likely when summer is over, I'll start looking for something that's up or close to my alley of expertise and is okay/good pay. For right now, and as my therapist would say, I'm where I need to be. And strangely enough, I'm accepting that. your thoughts?

*navigation* [ observing | latest thoughts ] [ go | back in time ]