12:08PM - ¤AhHhHh¤
Omg..I need to use this jounral for my thingy for the chaplin but it wont let me see any of my older entries! WTF!? THIS IS SHIT!
Current mood: 
aggravated
aggravatedOmg..I need to use this jounral for my thingy for the chaplin but it wont let me see any of my older entries! WTF!? THIS IS SHIT!
aggravatedWell all you... I have a new blurty thingy, see: http://www.livejournal.com/ghettlove21..Latah hunnys
Wow. Everythings changed. Just so everyone know's, I got myself the fuck outta Courtice n now my parents wont let me talk to anyone/ come back down... Nothing. So for the time, Im just trying to make $$ and I hope I'll be back down soon!! N everyone, come visit me!!! LOVE YA ALL!
aggravatedMany many people are going to die. Or already have been dealt with. Shandel set me up last night. Got me jumped, knocked out, duct taped to a chair, beat, suffocated, and almost killed. Because I warned Jay the Bray and Cali were going after him with fuckin gats. So it was part payback for me telling Jay, and part a warning to Jay not to fuck around. Well fuck. They just started so much shit now. Cuz even though Jay's mad at me (The fucker just hung up the phone on me! =@) he's still going after them now? I hope he doesnt 'disappear' =S Oh well. Im moving too! =) Probably in with my aunt and cousins...But my parents want to move anyways, and I dont really mind now. Cuz I fucken hate Courtice now. Oh, and the best part of it is, that out of the 10 or so people involved in this, I know that at least 6 or 7 of them have actually killed people before. Woo hoo. And no one has the balls to go after them cause of their parents and who they are. But now Jay and them are. And people are gunna get hurt =( Pfft. Fuck, I already did. And that was just a "nice, little warning." They wanted to duct tape my hand and feet, tie me upside down, put a plastic bag around my head, and stab me with an ice pick. But for some reason Shandel stopped them. Thank god =S And I already got a gun in my mouth..And apparently next time its being pulled =| Fuck. I need to get outta Courtice before I actually get killed. But that means leaving Jay =*( Even though hes mad at me.. But still =( Hes my baby. Ugh. Im so frustrated and ready to like go on a killing spree! But I dont have a fucken gat and how else do I get rid of people? Otherwise they can all just over power me. Argh. And I gotta try and call Jay back n talk to him cuz I cant handle him being mad too. Xoxoxo
angry~**The Facts**~
1. Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend? My baby...
2. What is their full name? Jason John Daniel Dovell
3. Where were they born? Oshawa
4. How long have you known them? Umm... 9 months give or take?
5. What is their birthday? July 21st, 1983
6. What do they wanna do when they grow up? Haha... Well... So far, since he's "grown up" already... Its been mostly construction and ... stuff
8. Do they like day or night? Night
10. What about them turns you on the most? Umm... How sweet he can be and how he makes me feel =)
11. What do you find most attractive about their personality? The way he treats me when hes being sweet and such
12. What do you find most attractive about their looks? Haha... Have you ever seen him?! Lol naw Im joking... His eyes
13. Are they sweet? Yup, we he wants to be
14. Are they funny? Yessss
15. Are they romantic? Yup, when he wants to be
16. Are they fun to be around? Yesss
17. Do you miss them when they aren't around? Definently!!!!
18. Would you do anything for them? Obviously..
19. Do you tell them everything? Yup, unfortunatly I tell him EVERYTHING... Ive lost a lot of freinds because of it, but fuck 'em
20. Do you love them? ... Yes
~**Favorites**~
What is their favorite...
21. color? Blue
22. food? Wendy's and chips
23. animal? Puppy doggy
24. band? No specific one.. But its like rap/hip hop
25. ice cream? Those ice cream bar things, like the Oh Henry ones and Oreo ones and such
~**Love Making**~
26. Are they a good kisser? Yess
27. Who kisses who more? Umm? Possibly?? Well, it depends, sometimes him, sometimes me?
28. Do you prefer tongue or no tongue? Tounge?
29. Do they prefer tongue or no tongue? " "
30. Where do you like to put your hands when you kiss them? Around him =P haha, these are stupid
31. Where do they like to put your hands when they kiss you? Umm??
32. What is the most you have ever done with them? ...Sex...
33. What is the most you would ever do with them? .... Umm, theres something else to do?
34. Do you fantasize about them? Hahaha, does that include in the beginging when I would kiss other guys or something and picture him instead?!
35. Do you think they fantasize about you? Doubt it... Its more all the other girls that he does
36. Do you dream about having sex with them? I get it already?
39. Have you ever eaten them out/gave them head? Haha......... Yes =$
40. Have they ever eaten you out/gave you head? =$ Heehee (Now this is personal shit =|)
41. Do you want to eat them out/give them head? *raises eyebrow* yes, of course I love giving blow jobs... Have you ever tasted that shit!? Let alone swallow!? Oh my GOD!
42. Do you want them to eat you out/give you head? Hahahahaa.................The whole "Its better to give then receive" thingy does NOT apply to this! Lol
43. Are you a virgin? Nope
45. What would you do if your boyfriend/girlfriend were with you right now? Umm, either be fighting with him, ignoring him, drinknig with him, wanting him, having sex, or be watching TV and all the guys getting fuct on their sutpid drugs =|
~**Final Words**~
46. What is one thing your boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't know about you? Umm? How much I care about him and how scared I am to lose him!
47. Tell one fantasy you had about your boyfriend/girlfriend that they don't know: Having a baby with him =$!!!
48. Ask one question about your boyfriend/girlfriend: I'd jsut want to know how many other girls hes actually slept with that I havent found out about or that he hasnt told me about. Or if he would rather be with someone else. Or if he wants Tabbie back.
49. Say something dirty and sexual about your boyfriend/girlfriend: HEEHEE!! Hes *tiny*!!! LMAO! (dont ask)
50. Is there anything you wanna say to your boyfriend/girlfriend? I love ya babe, please dont ever leave me! =(
confused2 DAYS TIL MY BIRTHDAY!!! WOO! I CANT WAIT!!! But anywho, eventful day? Ha. Ya right. It was a pretty good day though =) Slept until noonish. Went out for my wake up smoke and what do I see? A couple totally HOT roofing guys working on my neighbours house! So I had a pack of smokes when I woke up this morning. Approx. 19 or 20 left. I sat outside all day stareing at them =) Heehee.Man, did I ever feel like a stalker! Then Shandel calls me the mintue she gets home and shes like "Come out to the green box! You HAVE to see these guys!" So we both go running out to sit there and stare at the guys. Needless to say, we smoked more then we could even handle so that we could watch them. Then the hottest one comes over (Oh man! BEST body EVER! Tanned and pure muscle... Ugh *Drools*) and starts talking to us! He asked us for weed, but we didnt have any *tear* so he said tomorrow to make sure we come out again (D'uh! Obviously we're gunna go stare at him some more!) and he'll smoke us a joint. Now I dont smoke weed and when I do, especially me and Shandel together, well we are totally cheap and laugh non-stop for like 2 hours when everyone else only gets 10 minute buzz. Oh well! Hes hot!!! Then later on Jenna came by! =) That just totally made my day! (Along with Jays phone call, but whatever) I havent seen her in SO long and I miss her SO much! We're having a party on Saturday with all the old Grandveiw guys and all my old girls too! I cant wait! I miss them all so much!
Now... On to my problem. Tomorrow. Oh back up. Me and Jay... Well, I dont know what we are anymore?! I know hes been sleeping with other girls and it totally bothers me =( But hes my baby and I know I have to be there for him. His court dates tomorrow. I despritly want to go. He doesnt want me there though!? And then I can go smoke a joint with Hot Roof Guy (We never did get his name!) But what to do? Court for my babe, Hot Roof Guy joint!? HELP! Naw. I cant go see Hot Roof Guy =( I have to be there for my baby who doesnt want me there and is probably bringing out Josie or Danielle or Michelle or Natalie or whoever else there's been to fuck if he gets out =*( Ya right. Not if I can help it! =(
And now theres only 2 days til my birthday. One really cause today's pretty much done. I dont know what Im going to do!? I so badly want to spend it with Jay, but then I have to go with my family and Nanny & Gedo to the Golf Club for dinner and then to the funeral home becuz my Great Uncle Don died today. Woo, fun birthday! Lets all go to the funeral home for my birthday! Ya right!!! So Im trying to figure out a way around being with my family for my birthday, but so far, no luck =( Ugh! I hate Jay! Hes so confusing! I love him, but I dont think he loves me. And I know he fucks other girls but I just pretend that I dont know and that it doesnt bother me?! Like what the fuck... I dont know what to do about him! And hes moving at the begining of July as well! =*( UGH! But Im off to have my last cigarette (I dont know what excuse Im going to use to stalk Hot Roof Guy tomorrow now if I dont go to court! Ahh!) and then watch some TV and get to bed. Xoxoxo
confusedMy head hurts =( I just got it kicked in over everything that happened at Jay's last week. Funny thing. Already had a pretty good idea of who did it, considering I regocinzed one of the guys from a lil hotel night we had (Heehee), but it turns out I was actually right. Tyler Calhoun, Harley Guindon, Kaiser (Jeremy Russell- the hotel guy), and Brae were the ones who did it... Along with Geoff Poyntz and a couple other guys that I dont rememeber the names of. Cuz Danielle bitched at me yesterday for a bunch of shit, w/e. I dont give a fuck about her. But then me and Shandel went up to the store tonight to get smokes and Danielle just happened to be at Chris's, saw us, and decided to jump me and beat my head in to tell me to keep my mouth shut to Jay and anyone that Tyler did it. So now Cali and every single one of those other boys are dead =) As well as Danielle, just as soon as Melanie comes up again. I cant wait =) I wanna be the one who personally gets to shank Danielle though. Or just shoot her. Cause I just wanna see her lying on the ground bleeding to death and be able to spit in her face and smile. Twisted sense of humor but meh. As for Shandel... I think Shandel needs a good beating. Not too bad though, cause she is still supposed to be my best friend. Ha. Thats funny. But still. I dont wanna see Shandel get hurt too badly. Danielle and Tyler on the other hand... Fuck, I wanna see them bleeding to death on the ground and just be able to laugh at them. It'd make my week. Even if I did get booked for it, I still think it'd be worth it =) As for Natalie. I'd like to see her dead too. Fuck her, shes just a dumb slut. At least I was right not to trust her. Haha..Oh I just love friends. Well, Jay and Adam anyways. The only 2 people in Courtice that I've always had complete trust in and still do. But Im out..Gunna go find Shandel n beat her head in =) Xoxoxox
aggravatedIntresting week...
1)Me and Jay are back together and everythings good again. Well, relativly, because its never been truly good to begin with but whatever.
2)Craig, Jay and me were at Jays and 5 people rushed the house, beat Jay, Craig, and Daisy with baseball bats and shit, and tried to rob him- they got nothing.
3)15 minutes later we find out it was my best friends boyfriend, 2 guys Ive slept with, and people that I know and chilled with
4)Spent all Thursday night at the hospital praying that Jay would be alright- I was relativly fine n they couldnt really help me out much cuz I didnt get it too badly.
5)Today, find out they went after Brent Tansley as well, but didnt get shit there either.
So all in all, this May 2-4 has royally sucked, other then the fact that Ive spent it with Jay and Adam. I havent got to chill with Jess though =( Or Shandy, but I think Shandy's mad at me and shes at her cottage anyways. Im gunna go pass out now though because Chris Kerry the dumb fuck brought some broad over this morning at like 7:49am who would not shut up and tried asking me a TON of questions about me and Jay before I flipped out on her (cause I was trying to sleep) and made Jay get her outta the house cause I said I was gunna kill her if he didnt. So I have had literally like 20 minutes of sleep all night, its now 4:02pm and I still havent had a chance to go to bed, Jay's just went to do his laundry, so heres my chance. And Im fucken taking it =) Nighty night Xoxoxox
٭Ŧħįş Šê×ŷ Ŧħįŋġş Øŋŀŷ 17 ÅŋĐ §ħêŝ Å Ľøşŧ Ŀįŧťłê Ğįřŀ٭
aggravated-Well, me and Jay are totally done now. No more talking, nothing. I miss him SO much. Adam's out of jail til the 25th of May. I kinda wanna be with him. But thats fuct. From one best freind to the other. Plus Ive slept with Tyler (Adam's brother...Although I have already slept with Adam before anyways.) Chris and me are good again. (Paige.) I miss Jason so much =( He was my baby =( Who just happened to be fucking Natalie and Danielle on the side. Or maybe I was just on the side. Naw. Cuz I was there too much n did his dishes and shit. W/e. Beside the point. I still love him and miss him though =( Fucken asshole. Oh well. I wanna hook up with Adam. Plus he already has herpes (Thanks to Shandel) so its not like I gotta worry. And...ya, I think I need to be back on my pills? Dont wanna have to suprise Adam. Heehee. "Adam, I have a suprise...Yer gunna be a Daddy!" Yup, I'd get smacked for sure. Oh well. Just as long as my pills kick in really soon, then hopefully it'll cancel out the last few times? I dunno... Im fuct. Katie had a baby boy- Brendan, Jess's still pregnant- 5 months now, Monica's due in 3 weeks. Aww babys. I dont want one though =S I'd kill myself. Well, its gunna be a shitty night, but Im gunna go see wut everyones up to anyways. Xoxoxo-
depressedWell, wut can I say. My biggest fuck up yet. Shandel, Jay, Tyler, and Jess. I love ya TONS! Same with Adam, but hes gone right now so =( I love ya guys.
Long story short: Stole a bank card, drained the account, stole a blank check, signed it. Pulled a scam. Got fuct over. Im gettin charged with shitloads now. Fraud, theft over $5000, aiding & abetting, theft under $5000, and a shit load more. Im fuct. Probably going 2 jail, and if not, @ least Whitby Psych. So Im totally fuct myself over. Big time. I cant believe we got caught. Everyone involed, Im sorry this happened. Im not having a good weekend =| Argh. Well Im out, the cops are on their way here right now, n Im gettin takin down to 16th so I hope it goes good.
Love all ya to death. Cya Love Stessie Xoxoxo
anxiousI want to call Jay =( But of course, thats impossible =( I miss him so much =( And we arent together anymore on top of everything =( I want my daddy back =( Ugh...So depressing =( I miss him...But oh well, thats not something I can change. Unfortuantly. All I want is for him to want to be only with me and not even need to look at other girls. Ha. Hes a guy. So that aint never gunna happen =( But I still want him back here... I miss not being able to wake up beside him, and I miss laughing @ Adam with him, and I miss hearing the words "Yer my girl, you know that right?" and him telling everyone that I was his girl and that no one could ever touch me cuz I belonged to him, and I miss doing his dishes and the little kisses and cuddiling I'd get while doing them, and I miss having naps with him when we were watching TV and it got boring, and I miss fighting with him, and I miss hearing "I love you Stessie," and I miss falling asleep in his arms, and I miss waking up in the middle of the night to him pulling me closer to him, and I miss feeling important and needed and cared about and useful and loved, and I miss sleeping with him and then laughing at him afterwards just to piss him off, and I miss being able to be with him and feel special, and I miss the backrubs...I just miss him in general =( Lifes not fair.
depressedFirst things first- The only people in Courtice that Im talking to anymore are 1)Jay, 2)David, 3)Jess, and 4)Adam...But Adam's in jail now, $2000 bail and no one can come up with it, so hes fuct. Jay got charged =( Shandel...Well, ya, Im done with that girl now. Jay's being an ass tonight, go figure. We got in a big fight last night. Not pretty =S My Mum's SO mad... And then Danielle came over today to "kill" me... W/e, didnt happen so I dont really care... Im not aloud ANYWHERE anymore... Cause between me being me, and me being friends with Jay, ya, theres NO where. Oh well. I dont care anymore, I havent went out in a while anyways. So its a Friday night and Im @ home on my computer. Woop dee fucking doo. Exciting night. I dont trust Shandel @ all. Im sorry to say that, shes supposed to be my best friend, but fuck man, she really sucks @ that! Jays court date's June 15th =*( Not fair.. Oh ya, back to the fight we got in.. Meh, w/e... Busted up my lip pretty good.. And Mummys SO pissed now.. So I dunno..And I just have a bad feeling that Jays gunna be in jail soon =S I hope not... Like we're really not good right now =S But still.. Oh, and I have phone rules =| (from Jay)
1)Dont call unless I have a GOOD reason
2)When I hang up, I MUST say goodbye, because I have a tendancy just to hang up, and thats apparently rude
3)Im not aloud to say sorry about it, cause if I was really sorry, I wouldnt keep doing it
4)If Im told to call back within a certain amount of time, or @ a certian time, I better do it
5)Im not aloud to hang up if he gets a beep and tells me to hold on, no matter how long it is
6)I have to call everyday when I get home from school, no matter what time, but I do have to go right home from school..And I have to call the MINUTE I walk in the door, or Im in trouble...
7)And, if for some reason we havent been talking or w/e, I MUST call every 3 days to see if the dishes need doing...
Now, is that a *tiny* bit unreasonable, or is it just me? =| I dont even like Jay anymore...But...Ya... Anywho, Im going to bed, 11:19pm, and Im going to bed... This is fucken earlier then on school nights!!!! Oh well.. Nighty night Xoxoxox Oh and on top of everything, Shandel the other day tells me she wants to check me into Whitby Psych. Thanks ya fucken cunt.
depressed2nd fight with Danielle. My right eyelid's cut up cuz she went to smash my head off the door and I put my hand up, not thinking I was holding the phone in my hand, and I ended up stabbing myself in the eye with the end of the cordless phone thingy. Like the intena kinda thingy. Mums all pissed off @ me now. Me and Danielle still have to actually fight. Tyler jumped in and stopped it this time. Cause its his step sister and we're tight. Plus if he didnt stop Danielle, Shandel would be pissed off @ him so. 2morrows the start of Easter long weekend. Woo. Cant wait. Haha. Dont know wtf Im doin yet, other then drinkin with Shandel, Tyler, and of course Jay and Adam. I cant wait =)
I have NO respect left for Natalie now. No matter what we ever said about being good friends, fuck it, she wasnt anything, she wasnt around long enough for me to start to care about her, but still.. She said she isnt a backstabber? Shes lying to herself. And about being a slut, cause if Im a slut, she definently is! Shes slept with more people then me! And they're all like 20, 23, 25, 22..and well, Adams 16, but hes the only one under 20 yrs old. So as far as Im concerned, she is a fucken dirrty little whore and does deserve to have people hate her, even though she literally crys when ONE person doesnt like her. Everyone has to like love her and worship her, or shes totally depressed and cant figure out why someone wouldnt like her. Like big fucking deal. No one likes me. Learn to live with it! And another thing. How am I a slut when Ive slept with 5 guys, and Ive only been sleeping with one person for the last 2 months, and we're dealin with eachother? Ya.. Alrighty there. Oh well, when all else fails, @ least I can always use the whole "Ya, thats nice and all, but guess what, I FUCT YER BOYFRIEND!" thing =) Nighty night! Xoxoxox
annoyedFull Name - Stephanie Diana
Siblings - Kiki-14
Birthday - June 9th
Sign - Gemini
School - CSS
Sex - Female
Eyes - Blue
Hair - Blonde
Height - 5'5"
? HAVE YOU EVER..
2. Ran away: yup
3. Pictured your crush naked: ya
4. Actually seen your crush naked: ya *bare ass bookin it for the washroom* lol
5. Broken someone's heart: ya =(
6. Been in love: naw?
7. Cried when someone died: cant honestly say i remember ever doing that?
8. Wanted someone you knew you couldn't have: YA =*(
10. Drank alcohol: now thats a stupid question, especially to me..cause i dont think a day goes by that i dont drink.. had my morning beer this morning (afternoon actually)
11. Lied: ya
12. Cried in school: ya...happens a lot actually =S im a very cry-ey person lately
? WHICH IS BETTER..
13. COKE OR PEPSI: Pepsi
14. SPRITE OR 7UP: Sprite
15. GIRLS OR GUYS: Guys
16. FLOWERS OR CANDY: flowers
17. SCRUFF OR CLEAN SHAVEN: Got asked this last night, I honestly dont know? It all depends on the guy.. But for who asked me, I'd say clean shaven
18. QUIET OR LOUD: Loud
20. BITCHY OR SLUTTY: umm.. slutty
21. TALL OR SHORT: tall
22. PANTS OR SHORTS: pants
? RANDOM QUESTIONS
23. WHAT DO YOU NOTICE FIRST ABOUT A GUY: Their personaltly- like if they're an asshole or not
26. SHOWERED: umm.. a couple of hours ago...
27. HAD SEX: a couple of hours ago...
28. HAD A GREAT TIME WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX: a couple of hours ago...
WHAT IS..
30. PERSON YOU HATE MOST: danielle, steph thompson, ashley, chelsea, jackie, shannon, tabbie, jenny, monica, andrea, amanda, brandon annis, shawn law, etc... a LOT of people
31. THE BEST THING THAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU TODAY: waking up beside jay
32. YOUR FAVORITE COLOR: black
39. HOLIDAY: Christmas
40. SEASON: summer
? WHO...
43. MAKES YOU LAUGH THE MOST: just being drunk and stupid with the girls
44. MAKES YOU SMILE: Jay
46. HAS A CRUSH ON YOU: No one =*(
47. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON: Who do ya think?
48. CAN MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER NO MATTER WHAT: ?? Right now Jay??
49. HAS IT EASIER GUYS OR GIRLS: GUYS!!
? DO YOU EVER
50. SIT BY THE PHONE WAITING FOR A PHONE CALL ALL NIGHT: Naw, I'd fall asleep anyways, and I used to just put my celly under my pillow.. But my fucken paretns took it away so
51. SAVE AOL CONVERSATIONS: naw
52. SAVE E-MAILS: sometimes
53. WISH YOU WERE SOMEONE ELSE: seomtimes
54. WISH YOU WERE A MEMBER OF THE OPPOSITE SEX: naw
55. CRIED BECAUSE OF SOMEONE'S MEAN WORDS: ya
? BEST
56. COLOGNE: umm.. nice smelly ones
57. PERFUME: umm.. the one i gots? boss women or something?
58. KISS: huh?
59. ROMANTIC MEMORY: haha........
60. MOST RECENT ADVICE GIVEN TO YOU: Cathlinns sister: Dont worry about highschool kids, they're immature and u dont have to live the rest of yer life with them, so just ignore them
? HAVE YOU:
61. Fallen for your best friend?: I dunno?
62. Made out w/ JUST a friend?: Ya
63. Been rejected?: Sure
64. Been in love?: Naw?
65. Been in lust?: huh?
66. Used someone?: Probably
67. Been used?: Ya
68. Cheated on someone?: No!
69. Been cheated on?: Ya
70. Been kissed?: Ya
71. Done something you regret?: A LOT of things
? Who was the last person...
72. You touched?: Jay?
73. You talked to?: my mum
74. You hugged?: Jay
75. You instant messaged?: Brandon
76. You kissed?: Jay
77. You had sex with?: Jay
78. You yelled at?: Dont know?
79. You laughed with?: The guys last night..Me and Jay laughing @ Dave n Usher =S
80. Who broke your heart? *Shrugs***
81. Who told you they loved you?: I hoenstly dont even remember the last time someone said that? Like seriously... Cuz I know all the guys told me that last night, but they were all drunk so
? Do you..
82. Color your hair?: Ya
83. Have tattoos?: Nope.. but very soon I hope =)
84. Have piercings?: Ya
85. Have a boyfriend/girlfriend/both?: Uhh? *Im his girl..But not his wifey yet*
86. Own a webcam?: no
88. Ever get off the damn computer?: All the time
89. Sprechen sie deutsche?: neit
90. Habla espanol?: Non
91. Quack?: moo!
?Have you / do you / are you...
92. Stolen anything?: Ya
93. Smoke?: I NEED ONE SO BAD RIGHT NOW!!!! =@
94. Schizophrenic?: Lol? Maybe?
97. Obsessive compulsive?: Sometimes
98. Panic?: Ya
99. Anxiety?: Sometimes
100. Depressed?: More often then not
101. Suicidal?: Sometimes..Although Jay will kill me if I ever do anything stupid again
105. If you could be anywhere, where would you be?: Alone with a few certain ppl @ my old condo in Sanibel
110. Have you had braces?: yep
112. Pluck or wax your eye brows? yep
113. When was the last time you had a hickey?: umm... *looks down*
122. What is your favorite place to visit?: my old condo
124. Do you kiss on the first date?: Oh man.. Obviously..
125. Are you photogenic?: NOPE
127. Are you wearing fingernail polish?: yep
128. Is it chipped or fresh?: chipped majorly
129. Do you have any dimples?: lol only one =|
131. Why do you take surveys?: cuz i'm bored
132. Do you drink alcohol?: Only every day
133. Did you like or do you like high school?: Nope.. i fucken hate it
depressedJust writing to say: Jay called me last night, asked me to come out, so we drank, played pool, drank some more, and I slept over @ his house (On a Monday night..I know, its bad, I should be going to school but meh), and ya..The usual. Tabbie also phoned him twice in the time I was there. I havent been there since last Tuesday. Almost a week. So I think him and Tabbie will be back together before April 20th (2 weeks today.) I know this sounds SO selfish, cause like he obviously will still have feelings for her, but I would do anything to stop them from getting back together n him only wanting me right now? Im trying to help Chevy and Brandon get back together too. =( *Sighs* I just wanna know completly that I can have Jay and that hes not going to get back together with Tabbie or go fuck around with just any random girl (Like the ugly broad from Rodneys =S) (8)If I could be yer girllll...I would take the stars out the sky for u..Theres nothin in this world I wouldnt do for u..If I could be yer girllll(8) Aww =( I wanna go see Jay again. I dont even want him and Tabbie talking =| Grr.. ₪ĴēąĿǿũśψ₪ Lol.. Nighty night, havent slept in SO long Xoxoxox
depressedMe and Shandel got baked tonight. I mean like real baked. I havent been that awful in ages. Me and Jay are fuct, I dont know if we're even talking anymore now =*( Cause we havent been talking for the last few days for some reason, and then tonight he called @ 10:27 and told me to come up..My curfews 10:30 and he know's that. So I said I couldnt, he flipped out, was like "Okay then, fuck you!" So I was like "fine?" & he hung up on me..So ya, I dont think he even wants to talk to me anymore, but I miss him =( Last night, went to Trevors house (Havent seen him in forever!) cause his parents were gone all weekend.. Umm, almost ended up doing something with him? I dunno, we were making out n shit and all I pictured was Jays face and him yelling @ Dan for calling me.. And I just jumped up and ran outta the room cuz like- with one guy, picturing another? Nuh huh. Not cool. I miss Jay though =( Next weekend, me and Jess and Shandy are going to the south end to pick up guys..*Sighs* Oh well. Doctors appointment tomorrow for my fuct up mind thingy. I wanna see Jay. Pfft. Oh well! Me and Shandy wrote Harley and Wrightly today!!! =) (They're both still in jail- Wrightly until May 31st, and Harley @ least another year.) So we wrote them and sent them pictures =) Ya.. I need a new life, away from Courtice, with only the people I really care about. Or not even, they can come visit sometimes, but I need to get away from here, cause all my shits SO fuct up here and theres SO many rumors always about me. And Danielle and Shannon jumped me Thrusday so..I just need a fresh start =( Night xoxo
depressedWell I cant sleep =( Meh. Not like I sleep anymore anyways. Its too scary =S I keep twitching and having fuct up dreams and... I dont know =S Im really scaring myself though. Half the time I dont even realize what Im doing anymore =S My mind's so messed up.. If this medicine doesnt help..Well I dont know what I'll do =S I cant take being like this anymore though.. Its scaring the shit outta me.. Like I dont even really understand whats wrong, just that I know I shouldnt be like this. I really really hope that I do have a serotonin imbalance (Just another thing wrong with me, but oh well) cause it would really explain a lot. Like: chronic depression, not being able to control my anger or anything, anxiety attacks, eating disorder kinda thingys, suicidal tendancys, extreme changes in emotions very quickly.. It'd make a lotta sense =S But Im SO scared it isnt going to help me and =*( I dont know anymore.. I need help.. And my parents have given up and Ive fuct up with my friends (But oh well, they come and go anyways, no one stays anyways) But.. =*( Im so scared =S This just has to help.. I dont wanna get any worse.. And I want everything to stop so I can just be a normal teenager with a normal like and not have to deal with all this shit.. Like my parents have wanted to check me into a psych ward over night a few times lately cuz Ive just blown up at them for no reason and went crazy and started throwing around shit and breaking everything. And Ive been sitting anywhere a lot lately and just started crying for no reason but I cant make it stop =S This is so scary.. I wish I was still in Grade 6.. Before everything got messed up and I was still sane and normal and not fuct in the head.. I wish there was still someone to talk to, too =*( Like my old gals, I miss them all SO much =*( All our good old times..Where we'd have so much fun, but not get in any trouble. Like innocent fun =( I cant even do that anymore =S I cant be sober anymore cuz I cant handle anything =S Its pathedic and terrifying =S I want help so bad..But no one will help me =*( Life is so unfair.. I wish I was little again =*( I want Kaleigh and Jenna and Court and Kris back and I wanna be able to have innocent fun with them and not be crazy and fuct and everything =( I want my old life back =*(
depressedIm no longer talking to: Natalie, Jessica, or Shandel. Or any other chicks for that matter. They all fucken baskstab because of guys. Its fuct. Natalie told me tonight that she wants to punch me in the face for calling her a slut. Well excuse me that I told her the truth! Shes slept with a different guy every single weekend for over a month now. And some weekends its been more then 1 guy, like 2 or 3 a weekend. So I personally do think she is a slut for that. And Jessica's pissed because tonight her and Natalie were being drunk and stupid and started bitching about how I've been ditching them lately (the last 2 weeks) for Jay. Well, Jessica isnt aloud up there anymore cuz she was being stupid and the same with Natalie so hmm, I think they fuct themselves over. And they were bitching about how I'm being stupid ditching them for "some guy" so I flipped out (Whole other story- I have some chemical imbalance in my brain and have to take medicine for it, I'll explain late in this though) and said that I'm not the one being stupid because, "I'm not sleeping with different guys each weekend, am I? Nope. And I'm not the one who's 15 and pregnant, am I? Nope." So now they wont talk to me because they say that I dont care about them and that I'm fucking myself over and dont deserve to be their friend. Well sorry, but I honestly dont care. If I lose them, oh well, not that big of a loss... I dont care about anyone much anymore. Not my parents, my friends.. No one really. Only Kira, Jay, and.. well them. Cuz Jay's been there for me for a while now and has helped me out a lot, and he hasnt fuct me over. Yet. And Kiki, well shes my Kikibear.. I could never not care a lot about her. But even Shandel.. She runs her mouth WAY too much, so even her, I dont really talk to anymore. Shes too ... Im not really sure how to explain it- she doesnt care who she tells what, and she cant keep secrets, and she runs her mouth to everyone about everything, and then she flips out on you for it. So even Shandel.. I wouldnt consider us best friends anymore @ all. Shes always with Tyler now, and Tyler doesnt like me so fuck them. I dont need them anymore.. I have Jay for the time being, so oh well. And after him, well theres always the next group. Always has been, always will be. *Shrugs* Fuck people, they cause too much shit.
Now, about my sarantonin thingy. Its some chemical imbalance in your brain that makes you react extremely over small things. Like it just makes you fuct in the head and over react over everything. Cause with my parents, I always really overreact over everything when we get in fights and I have a tendancy to throw shit @ walls and put holes in them or smash people in the face for pretty much no reason. Like the way a normal person would react to something, they'd just be mad or upset with what someone said, but me, I'd punch them in the face or throw a text book at my wall and put a huge hole in it. Just shit like that. Its like if it gets bad enough (and drugs DONT help it, they only make it a lot worse) I could be put in a psych ward for it. Its fuct. They wanted me to be tested for it in Grade 8, and at St. Stephens when they wanted me to do anger managment. Its pretty much just like an anger issue. You cant deal with anything normally, its all in extremes. Like really happy, really depressed, really angry.. Those kinda things. Its the same way someone would react if they do a lotta coke- they just flip out. But ya, I gotta take pills for it now to calm me down, cuz in the last couple months I've gotten a lot worse and Ive got in a LOT of fights with everyone. Like Im punching people in the face that are supposed to be my best friends because they said something I didnt like. So Im having an intresting time with all this. Plus its hereditary.. My Dad has the same problem- and it usually leads to alcoholism, drug addictions, abuse, obsessive compulsivness, etc. Which my Dad's dealt with all of, and Im pretty close to being there myself. So hopefully this medicine works and makes me slightly less fuct in the head and saner and shit, cuz Im getting to the point where I cant take this, but no matter what, I cant seem to change it at all. Oh well.. I hope it works.. But ya, I seem to be losing a lotta friends over this =S At least I understand why Im so fuct in the head now though (And its not because of the drugs! =) Lol)
I love your pants around your feet
And I love the dirt that's on your knees
And I like the way you still say please
While you're looking up at me
You're like my favourite damn disease
And I hate the places that we go
And I hate the people that you know
And I hate the way you can't say no
Too many long lines in a row
I hate the powder on your nose
And now I know who you are
It wasn't that hard
Just to figure you out
And now I know who you are
It wasn't that hard
Just to figure you out
-- Me and Jays song =S I really hope he doesnt fuck up and get in shit.. I really care about him a lot =S But Im going to bed now..Nighty night. *Ps: I CANT WAIT TO GO SEE JAY TOMORROW! =)*
lonelyJust thought I'd mention this.. Ive been having mad trip outs lately.. Ive caught my self twice now in the middle of the night trying to book it outta my house in my sleep..Cuz the first time I had a dream I got raped by my Dad and I woke up crying hysterically (Of course this is while Jessica's sleeping over) so I just like ran outside n finally stopped myself down the street, cuz like if u see some chick in a tank top and lil shorts in the middle of winter @ 4:00am in the morning running down the street..Ur first thought would be Whitby Psych too right? Lol..Ya.. And then the next time I couldnt sleep and I kept waking up thinking that I was sleeping @ Jays on his couch and all this shit kept happening to me and Id wake up screaming, but I dont even know wut it was..And then I woke up running down the stairs trying to get outta the house and to Jays even though I though I was there and I kept feeling like I was falling or dropping thru space and shit...And then right now I went and put my feet up on the desk and fucken jumped half way across the room cuz I thought I'd put my feet on a bunch of scrails and knocked them all on to the floor..Dont ask. I dont know why I would think I would have coke on my office desk, but fuck.. And this has all been in the last week, and every time anything like this has happened (These are the 3 main ones, well not really the last one, but it was last to happen, so it just kinda fits) but a lotta other shits happened too and its really scaring me.. Like my body just all of the sudden twitches, espeically just as Im falling alseep, like it goes into a convulsion and its happened when Ive been sleeping beside Adam, Tyler, Jay, and Shandy so far and its fuct..I just twitch and shake and cant stop it.. And then like last night I was laying there like half asleep and I couldnt control my body..Like I could hear myself making noises in the distance, like kinda what a baby would sound like making *Cooing* noises, but I couldnt do anything about it..And it was like it wasnt even coming from me..Like its just invonuntary noises and movements and shit =S Its really really scary..I dont like whats happeneing to me =( But I thinky its time for bed considering I havent slept in 2 days and the day before I had 1 1/2 hours of sleep.. And I wanna go to Jays tomorrow, so I gotta be well rested cuz otherwise I'll pass out after one hit lol. Nighty night! Xoxox
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