That's pretty much the theme of yesterday, lol. People getting busted, a drive by shooting. You would think it would all be related, and gang related or some shit like that. Neither one is correct.

Steve could have been killed. The same with anyone else who was in any of the buildings that were shot at. Some kids just trying to get a thrill. Hell, back in the day, kids that age got their thrills by drinking, drugging and having sex. Now, the new in thing driving all over town, shooting at buildings, and homes. What the fuck? I don't get it.

It has been way too long since I've been here! I don't know why I stopped blogging at this site. The other blogs I have aren't as personal as this one is.

I read all of my old postings. So much has changed. But then again, it hasn't. I found myself wondering what happened to the person I used to be. My very first postings were so open, and had a happiness undertone to them. I want to be that person,again. I guess I miss the old days, LOL.

Date:	2004-11-03 23:31
Subject:	Time to be real
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative

Its been so long since I updated. I must do better.

Life has been good. I think its heading into a bad patch, for bit. It cant always be a bed of roses, though.

I've been more real in my way of thinking and the like. Tired of always being nice, and sugarcoating everything, lol.

I'm a sexworker, and proud of it. To those who must judge, if you dont like what you are reading, then go read another journal.

Interesting. Jim called last night and apologized for his actions. I wonder what he is up to. Its a shame I am thinking this way, but he has apologized before, and then started the same crap a few weeks later. We shall see if he is sincere this time.

I'm not going to automatically call him, and fall back into old patterns. I dont mind being friends, as I hate arguing with people. But I need to consider how close we should get again.

Date:	2004-04-18 05:39
Subject:	I'm back........
Security:	Public
Mood:	bitchy

Well, yes, I have returned. I really need to start keeping this more updated.

Alot has changed, and then again nothing has, lol. Jim and I are done. He had way too many control and jealousy issues for me to handle. I know everyone has issues, but it was way too much. I love control in the bedroom, but not out side of it. Spying on me was the last straw.

Lets see what else..... I'm still in the massage and companionship industry. Trying to build a website for business. Opps, i didnt mention that before, did I? lol. Well, if people dont like what I do in my own life, that is their problem.

I guess I am in one of those moods to let it all hang out, lol. I dont care what others think. Well, that is a lie, i do, but not to the point as to I am going to let someone elsedecide what I should with my life.

I will add more when I am in a better mood.

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Orderly	||||||||||||	50%
Disorderly	||||||||||||	50%
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Emotional	||||||||||||||||||	74%
Intellectual	||||||||||||||||	66%
Practical	||||||||||	34%

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Well, I did something eye opening today. I had a tarot reading done. Aparently, I need to give up something or someone that isnt good for me. The cards suggested if I dont, it will have an unhappy ending. They also showed alot of changes taking place, and that a new friendship is blossoming. Really hits home. It also shows I am not being true to myself, that I need to think about what I really desire.

Perhaps it is Jim that isnt good for me. We worked things out, so I thought. I am moving Friday, which will help. I hope I continue to have Jesse's and Bob's friendship.

Well things are achanging! *smile* Due to the recession, I am qualified for extended unemployment benefits. I can get them for 11 weeks. During that time, I can really focus on getting a job. I wont feel as stressed about it. I dont handle stress that well. Have been on medication for it.

Friday or Saturday I am getting my own place again. Jim and Jess are going to help, and I am calling my mom tomorrow as well. When I am in a pinch, she always sends 300. I am surprised Jim offfered. After I move out, I am going to suggest we talk one on one. I wont be here so it wont be like we are up each others ass all the time. Although, that can be fun......*wink* So, I am bit perverted. Who isnt, these days?

I am feeling more hopeful and happy. Cant wait to have my own space again.

Wow you're nice. In fact you're a bit of a doormat.
While contemplating how nice you are a dark
shadow approaches and takes you into it's
embrace. You have been bitten by a Vampire and
haved joined the ranks of the undead. href=http://quiz.ravenblack.net/blood.pl?biter=Bunny+Bunny
>Join Here


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Well, I guess it is obvious I am in a quiz mode. I love taking quizzes! Really big shock- I enjoy being my own person, and am very kinky! I could've told ya that, and so could have some other people as well! *smile* I may be independent, but I enjoy playing the submissive role. I love it when someone else takes control........*wink*

Nothing major going on. Jim didnt come home until this morning, and left again this afternoon. He is starting to talk again. I sent him an email, apologizing for helping him to feel I betrayed him. I dont feel I did betray him 100%, as we didnt have a commitment, but Jess is his friend. But nothing happened, either.

Have a job interview on Friday. Hoepfully, I will get it and will be able to get my own place again soon. The economy around here sucks. Everyone is looking for work.

kinky isn't a feather...its using the whole damn
chicken! and you kno it. you are so kinky that
even you are afraid of yourself sometimes.


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blood


Blood, Sweat, and Tears
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*Sigh* My heart is heavy as I type this. Jim feels I have betrayed him by having feelings for Jesse. In a way, I can understand. But we hadnt really explored our feelings. We were close, but then again we werent. There was potentail there, but he has a wall up. He admitted he does.

I thought being open and honest was the right thing to do. Perhaps it is. This whole thing has shown me the way he really is in times of disagreements. He hasnt really spoken to me. He got drunk again last time, and acted like he hated me. I guess he and Jesse got into an arguement, as well.

As for Jesse, that is on hold. I dont want to hurt Jim, but I want myself to be happy as well.

Everything that happened last night actually was set in motion the night before. Tuesday night, Jim came home drunk as hell. We indulged in some smoke. He asked me about hooking up with his roommate, the one I am "crushing" on. I didnt give him a straight answer then. Last night i told him I was contemplating it. He is now upset with me. I guess he didnt mean to give me ideas, and the like. So why did he ask in the first place? He himself said we were friends.

Anyways, I ended up getting drunk with Jess. Vibes were kicking in again. Or I am just wishing. I dont know. We had some pretty good conversation going, have alot in comman. He suggested I sleep in the extra bed room. I usually sleep in the same bed with Jim. Ok, yes, I mentioned the day before I was considering moving to the other room, but he brought it up. I think he knows something is up. As I was getting out of the shower last night, I heard the tail end of a conversation the three of them were having.

This is reminding me of high school, lol. With a twist, i didnt share a house with 3 men back then.

I am here, in the living room, with the owner of the house on my left, sitting in his chair and reading a book. The one I am become attracted to is on my right, streached out on the couch, watching an ' 80s movie, So glad he doesnt see this! *smile* He is so cute. Dark hair, and dark eyes. A Football player's build, and tall, about 6'2. He has a very good heart, is a complete sweetheart. Has issues, such as being physically abused as a child, drinks a bit too much at times, but these days everyone has issues! I am not one to judge him, that's for sure. I feel bad for him at times. He has been through so much. When I first saw him, I felt a connection. It is just a touchy issue, a bit complicated, because of his other roommate. Luckily he isnt here at this time. I dont feel as strong as a connection to him, but I do care about him. My life is compicated enough as it is. I know I dont need to further complicate it, but I cant help what I feel.

Date:	2003-09-16 14:45
Subject:	Been awhile
Security:	Public
Mood:	confused

Its been awhile, I know. Lost internet access for a brief time, then my computer caught a virus. But I am back! *smile*

Alot has changed. Am no longer involved with modeling. I also had to move in with a friend, because I lost my apartment. He has 2 other friends living here. I am the only female. I was close with one of them, but I am seeing a side of him I havent seen before. It is strange cause I thought I knew him. We have known each other for a year. I guess you really dont see a person for who they are until you live with them.

I am starting to develop feelings for his other friend and roommate. I like what I see better, physically and otherwise. Life is confusing at this moment. I also have to seek employment, and find another apartment. It was nice of them to let me stay here, but I am used to my privacy.

I will check back in later. I need this journal. It will be good therapy. So much to share, and sort out. More than what I am typing at this time.

Had a very weird about David. We had sex. It is werid that I dreamt that because i havent dreamt about him in months! Also, when I woke up, i thought I had dreamt about my ex husband. But I realized it was David. I remember someone bitching at us, saying every time we try to hook up or get back together, it never works. that we bring out the worst in each other. I think something it trying to tell me I replaced my ex with David. That they are way more alike than I realized or wanted to see. Very strange...

D. was here last night. Again, a great night. He doesnt always need to bring alcohol, as I usually have some, but he always does anyways. I am dealing with the consquences of it today, stomach is queasy. RumpleMint can taer your stomach up very easily. Plus I havent ate yet so that may have something to do with it.

had to take some Nyquil also about 7am. I couldnt breathe and nose was snuffy. I think it was sinus but am not that sure. It still doesnt feel right. But Nyqil on top of the other alcohol probably wasnt that smart, have no sinus meds though. Not to mention I had some greasy fries late last night. The things i put my stomach through!:) Am going to take it easy the rest of the weekend....10 yrs ago I could handle alcohol alot better........]

Cool, the sun is finally coming out! It has been so cloudy and rainy and/or snowy lately.

A new Buffy is on tonight! As is WWF Smack Down. I dont get UPN so I have to catch both shows on different channels. They both air around the same time Saturday nights so I flick back and forth a bit but mostly leave it on Buffy and just watch the rest of SM after Buffy is over.

Iam just rambling now, so I am closing for a bit....

Oh, no word back from Terry...:(

An old wound was reopened a bit ago. Well, not exactly a wound. After a couple months, I have finally heard from Terry. He is the one that encouraged and supported into getting me into what I am doing now. He is trying to be a good hubby and not tempt himself. But I am still dominant in his thoughts and he has been tempted to see me quite a few times.

I miss him. We had a good friendship, we talked to each other about anything! The chemisty was wonderful, the best I have felt in a long time. The sex was amazing also. I know it is wrong with him being married. So I understand why he hasnt contacted me. I do miss him though, alot.