Below are 15 journal entries, after skipping by the 20 most recent ones recorded in LittleKittyPants' Blurty:

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Friday, February 6th, 2004
10:12 am	The White Rabbit-- I'm LATE I'm LATE I'm LATE! i don't have all that much time for a super mondo entry. As you can tell from my title i have been busier than Jesus converting the Jews. i dont know what that means. My date book's own mother wouldn't recognize it! (as dr. martin would say) i have had every minute of my day planned out and scheduled so that i would remember to do everthing. all of my 5 classes are set up in such a complicated way to begin with. So what that means i'm reading two huge novels at once, which are alternating with text books, so i never know what i'm doing. then there are all of these writing projects i have to do, which requires all this outside research. god, break my balls that you didn't give me already. so on top of that i'm trying to write my first article for the Etownian, the school paper. its actually going okay, i was in a panic b/c my sources hadn't called me back and i have a dealine to meet. however one called this morning, so duty called and i got my ass out of bed hella early to get the job done. now i can write my article tonight with this necessary information. yay for that. hopefully i'll get to hang out with marianna later and relax, but until then, i GOTTA bolt!!!! i'll write more later, when i'm not in a rush. Current Mood: busy Current Music: My Rufus Wainwright Mix!! (Comment on this)
Sunday, February 1st, 2004
12:44 pm	It smells like dick in here The last two nights have been so much fun!! Originally the plan was that my friend from home, Ryan, was going to come here and visit me at school. Of course I was excited because there is a clear prospect of nookie from him. BUT first he cancelled on friday b/c of car troubles, then he imed me yesterday and said he couldn't make it. He gave me his word that he was coming to visit me, and he broke that. Plus, now he's just another guy in the looooong list that have promised me something and got me all excited then had some excuse why they can't follow through. This trend is beginning to shape my life's story.. and not just guys, just a lot of people in my life in general. As i am writing this i have a definite hangover. But i'll start with friday night. my super special girl, Marianna was having a pretty shitty week, as was i. We (or rather she) realized that we've said goodbye to a lot of significant people in our lives recently, plus the passing of Jonathan Brandis. So we had a Goodbye themed night where we watched 2 jonathan brandis movies, listened to ani defranco, drank wine and pigged out. I just needed that time to veg out with someone and not have to deal with the whole party scene yet. In comes saturday night. Well ryan had clearly broken my heart about not coming, and i had womanscaped for nothing!! that was the worst part of it all lol. so anyway, marianna decided to have a party at her apartment since most of her roomates weren't going to be around. I went over around 10 and it was super. I met a cute french guy and played some drinking games etc. a good time was had by all. EXCEPT my cutie wasn't there like he was supposed to be. and by cutie i mean this guy i met at a party last weekend and was supposed to be there again this weekend. However i did tell his friend that i like him... i don't know if that was a good or bad thing, but we were both drunk as hell so what can i say? We moved the party over to another apartment b/c marianna's roomates came back and were getting kinda anal. The place we went to was SOOO packed!! I was greated by a drunk girl who asked me all about my break up with rich, which was so much fun!! but i was drunk at the time so it didn't bother me too much. We hung around there for awhile actually drinking keg beer (bleck) and talking. Then once again we moved it to another apartment. This time we went to my friend CJ's apartment where marianna and i were crying on each others' shoulder about how much we love each other lol. Then the boys coerced us into doing a bodyshot. So i lay down on the coffee table pull up my shirt and whip cream and mudslide mix is quickly poured all of my body. marianna did a swell job of licking it off :-p then we made out a little lol. ALL of which the boys took pics of, lovely. something to show my grandkids though. i didn't get home till 4 ish, what a super night. Ok, so all of my mental problems lol. I saw the doctor and andy on friday. However, i was still clearly stoned from the night before! lol. Anyway, i called my mom and told her this dumb lie about why i need insurance info. and so i need to tell her the truth on that one. But, the doctor perscibed me some Paxil CR. its a low dose at first and then they up it as i go along. So now the big hurdle standing in my way is mommykins. I'm thinking i want to talk to her about it today. But i'm really hungover right now so i might wait till later. i was kind of hoping she'd call me, but whatever. oh and btw i stumbled upon matt and his gf's journals. that sucked a lot. "OOHH we're so in loooove!" fucking gag me. ya, disgusting. yet i still find myself reading it :-/ -30- I don't want somebody to love me Just give me sex whenever I want it 'Cause all I ask for is instant pleasure Instant pleasure, instant pleasure --rufus wainwright Current Mood: horny Current Music: Rufus Wainwright (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 28th, 2004
9:12 pm	Abra-ca-poop! Yesterday I went to the psych lady to hear her evaluation of me. To no surprise she said that i probably have Moderate Depression. The next step after that was to call an actual PHD down at the health center and make an appointment with him/her. So i'm going to do that on friday and i guess i'll get a definite diagnosis and a reccomendation about what medicine i should take. I'm not really sure what I should do with all of that information yet, so i'm going to see my regular counselor, Andy, later that day to sort things out. As usual i'll keep you posted on how everthing goes. Here's my problem. Half of the time i feel okay and half the time i'm unpredictably and severly depressed. I just need the meds to balance out the more "sever episodes" as the psych lady put it. For example, for the last two days i've felt pretty darn good, i even thought i might be wasting my time talking to a shrink. However i knew the happiness probably wouldn't last so i went anyway. Well, i was right. And today i hit rock bottom. First, when i woke up today i had zero energy after sleeping 10 hours. Then during class i was overly irritable (which is becoming very common for me now a days). By the time i got home after one class i was exhausted and all i wanted to do was relax and lay down for awhile. Well awhile turned into hours. I have never felt that bogged down by depression and fatigue in my life. I realized that i couldn't physically move or get out of bed b/c i was so exhausted, which made me cry. I did get up eventually and do work, and now i feel better. On the bright side, my writing professor let me know about this intership position that's open. I read over the description of the internship and it sounds pretty good. I really need the experience!! So i think i'm gonna do it! Oh, and even though i've never written journalism before i signed up to write some feature articles for the Etownian (the college newspaper). That will help with the resume and experience thing too. -30- I need someone to pull the trigger 'Cause there's a hole in my heart getting bigger Everything I'll ever be I've been And I need someone to pull the trigger So if you're what I think you'll be If you're who I think I see Shoot Shoot Shoot --Matthew Sweet-- (yeah, i was rocking this song earlier today) Current Mood: tired Current Music: "I Don't Know What it is" by Rufus Wainwright :) (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, January 26th, 2004
11:04 pm	Rilke Rocks My Party Class resumed today as normal, despite the snowfall last night. There's also supposed to be massive snow attacks tonight through wednesday. So i could barely even drive to school safely, but i happened to make it to a parking lot, unfortunately it wasn't the "correct" lot. I can't believe they had the nerve to give me a ticket considering the conditions. I could probably appeal it, but i don't care all that much and it's only $7. Oh, so i went to get evaluated by the Psych. lady today. It went okay i suppose. She didn't really seem all that empathetic, which i value in a psychiatrist. I filled out some question sheets, talked about my symptoms, then she made me talk about my relatives who passed away in the last year and i lost it. She was telling me it was okay to cry and all of that, but i really didn't want to. So tomorrow i'm going back to hear the results of her findings about me and hear her recomdendation on what i should do to get better. I feel kind of stupid though b/c i didn't tell her some important things that might make a difference (ie. the cutting, feelings of dissociation, etc.) so maybe i should bring it up real quick at the beginning tomorrow? i dont know!! i will let you all know what she says though. I read today for my Rilke/Proust class. it was amazing. i'm really going to enjoy this class, Rilke is an amazing poet and i can't wait to hear all that he has to say. (ps. i am an english major, i am allowed to be dorky like this every once in awhile) so i'm going to be imparting his wisdom in my journal for awhile... Please read the following quote! i know its a long one, but it's definitely worth it, and it really means a lot to me... "Love your solitude and try to sing out with the pain it causes you. For those who are near you are far away, you write, and this shows that the space around you is beginning to grow vast. And if what is near you is far away, then your vastness is very great; be happy about your growth, in which of course you can't take anyone with you, and be gentle with those who stay behind... seek out some simple and true feeling of what you have in common with them, which doesn't necessarily have to alter when you yourself change again and again...Don't ask any advice from them and don't expect any understanding; but believe in a love that is being stored up for you like an inheritance, and have faith that in this love there is a strength and a blessing so large that you can travel as far as you wish without having to step outside it." --rainer maria rilke " Current Mood: hopeful Current Music: Whatever I hear coming over from Amy's room lol (Comment on this)
Saturday, January 24th, 2004
12:06 pm	I have to admit it's getting better, and better all the time Well that title might be an exageration, but thankfully I am feeling better than I have been all week. Classes, especially Geosystems, are gonna spank my ass this semester but I'm actually pretty excited about my english classes. Business Writing is awesome because it's getting me really interested in becoming a Public Relations writer. My Creative Non-fiction class will be fun just because we have a lot of freedom to write what we want when we want. And the author's seminar on Rilke and Proust sounds really good too, the prof. is about to retire so he's laid back and i LOVE Rilke, so that will be awesome. Not to mention I have one class with Beautiful Eye Boy and NO CLASSES WITH THE EXBOYFRIEND!!! rock on :-D I also had my counseling appointment yesterday, and to my surprise it was really productive and I felt tons better when I left. I actually talked to him about my depression and what I should do about it. He signed me up with a doctor on monday who can evaluate/diagnose me and perscribe med's (b/c i'll prolly need them). That's all fine and good but there's still one huge bridge to cross, telling the parents so i can get insurance to pay for some of the meds. The whole reason I've been avoiding professional help and suffering for the last 6-7 years is b/c i'm so afraid of what my parents are going to say about it, mostly that they'll deny me what i need and think i'm a whiny baby. whew... really scary. The major driving force is two things.. 1. i cant go on this way, its affecting my work and relationships and its not fair to me to keep putting it off. 2. My counselor told me that the APA has found out that the longer you go untreated for depression the more damage it does to your brain and then less likely you will be to recover. So maybe i'll mention some of that to my parents if indeed the dr. says i need meds. i'll let ya know. Well its snowing today, but i think i might brave it to take marianna to get her first tattoo!! how exciting! of course i'm just in it for the morbid fascination lol oh! and i've been going to the gym like a real champ! maybe not today though:( what?! its snowing!!! bye kids ps. a certain ex-best friend is online right now with stupid away messages and what not... its making me feel yucky Current Mood: accomplished Current Music: Anna Waronker (Comment on this)
Friday, January 23rd, 2004
12:18 pm	TGIF!!! Hello all. I'm so glad this week is almost over! I only have one class today, unfortunately it's a 2 hour poetry class with Dwyer, eek. I'm sure I'll survive it somehow, usually I just think about food and the time flies by like nothing! (you know you're a chub when) I have a few plans for this weekend. Sometime this weekend (prolly tonight) there's a party at the apartments on campus that I was invited to. Tomorrow i'm going to go to the gym, then later I'm taking Marianna to get her first tattoo!! very exciting. Then there's a dance from 11-2, so maybe we'll hit that up too. Sunday i think i'm just gonna do work. I have chapter questions for geosystems due that night at midnight plus lots of reading to do for the week ahead. so that's my weekend in a nutshell. Oh, and i'm hitting up the school shrink today :-/ i'm kind of nervous about it, it's not b/c i don't know the guy, it's b/c i DO know the guy and he's weird to talk to. he always lets there be these awkward silences where you feel SOO uncomfortable! but i know i really need to go b/c things have been really bad lately. i'll just suck it up and deal with the weirdness b/c HOPEFULLY i'll get something good out of it and feel better about things... i'll let you know how it goes. "Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time. Nowhere you can be that isn’t where you’re meant to be. All you need is love." --beatles Current Mood: drained Current Music: Beatles-- Hello, Goodbye (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 20th, 2004
10:24 pm	First Day of Classes Classes weren't too bad today. I had Geosystems, Business Writing, and Orchestra. Overall it was a tiring, stressful, annoying and sad day though. i'm just really depressed about things and i think i'm gonna do bad stuff :( (maybe i should make an appointment with andy?) -- "Hair is finally growing back over his wounds, still it makes him want to hurt the ones he loves." -- Cave In Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Cave In (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 15th, 2004
4:06 pm	Little Sicky Pants How nice, i thought i would escape Flu season unscaved... think again!! I came down with the stomach flu yesterday morning and it couldn't have come at a worse time. In between throwing up i had to go to the dentist and get two huge needles in my gums and a cavity drilled on, lucky me huh? Then today i was supposed to go to Etown to move stuff in with my parents and go to work later. Well when i woke up this morning barfing bile out of my nose, plans changed. so my parents are up at etown right now without me and my dad called in sick for me this morning. I still have an enormous buttload of things that i need to do before sunday, when i go back to etown for the semester. Lets all hope that i get better by tomorrow!!!! okay thats about it for now... feeling yucky....bye ! (runs to the toilet) Current Mood: sick Current Music: none (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 13th, 2004
11:49 am	Ok, I have some gripes (what a surprise huh?) first of all, the morning after matt and i went to see Big Fish, he took his girlfriend to see it again. I don't really know why that bugs me, but it just does. Also, whenever i'm mad at him or upset it's like a signal goes off and he starts ignoring me. Like I'm leaving for school and today is the last day we'll see each other for awhile. When i mentioned it to him last night with a saddy face he was just really condescending to me, and i have a feeling that today when we say goodbye he's going to be really cold about it. Then i'll get an email a week later from him about how much he misses me, blah blah. Then i had to pitch a temper tantrum just to get anyone to listen to me at work. I REALLY need thrusday off to move my xmas stuff into my apt. but my manager scheduled me for all 7 days this week. So i tried switching with people but everyone was being douchebags. I finally just said "Hey matt, so i guess i can go fuck myself as far as getting my stuff moved in." well that got his attention but all he did was tell the manager i'll probably be late. I mean i'll try to make it cause i'm a good employee, but if i really can't then fuck them, this is clearly more important. BTW if i did work that day i would have 31 hours this week... HELLO?!?!! i asked for 20 at the max! ok, so that gripe fest is over hehe bye kiddies! Current Mood: annoyed (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 11th, 2004
11:13 am	My Dating Weekend Part 2 I know you're all DYING to know what happened on my date with Ryan last night lol. Well he picked me up at my house and we went to a pretty nice restaraunt for dinner, Maggie's( i reccomend the crab dip) and besides the rude waitress it was lovely. Then we went back to his house to hang out for a bit. We drank some Khalua and watched the Family Guy boxed set. All night i was giving him the "kiss me" look, but it took until 1 am for that to get rolling lol. So we messed around on the couch until about 2, but i had to get home because i was getting really tired, believe it or not. He's a really great guy, but we're really just friends that are attracted to each other. No Love Connection this time, but there's no harm in friends spending time together and getting a little nookie too. Overall it was a really fun date... a little food, a little groping.. awesome. He's suposed to come visit me at school and bring me food and champaign etc, but we'll see if that ever happens or not! Now i have to get ready for my lonely 3 hour drive to and from jersey to get my computer from my PopPop. ARGH!! at least it will give me a chance to reflect bye monkeys! Current Mood: hungry Current Music: None ... i'm just hungry, true to me chub nature (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, January 10th, 2004
2:10 pm	My Dating Weekend Part 1 Last night I went on a quasi-date with Mattykins. I say quasi because clearly he already has a girlfriend (how could i forget that!?!). But it was just going to be the two of us so for two hours I got ready with the make-up and hair and clothes, the whole nine yards hehe. I figured who knows when the next time will be when we get to have some quality one-on-one time together, so i might as well dress to impress. Plus, i haven't been out with a boy in forever and i'm a girl who likes to primp and all of that fun stuff. It was all worth it when he took notice of my hotness and said that he appreciated all of my primping and that i looked really nice :-) We went to the movies to see Big Fish, the new Tim Burton flick. It was amazing. I laughed, I cried....etc. There were a couple of really romantic parts that would have been a great time for a kiss, but clearly he was fixated on the movie and probably not even thinking about me anyway. So maybe this will be the last time I get to hang out with my dear matty, but hopefully not. We won't be working together anymore and i'll be at school so it'll be a lot harder. I guess this will test our friendship. Tonight i'm going to dinner with my friend Ryan, which will be detailed in my next entry "My Dating Weekend Part 2" bye kiddies "The trouble with love is it can tear you up inside Make your heart believe a lie It's stronger then your pride The trouble with love is It doesn’t care how fast you fall And you can’t refuse the call See you’ve got no say at all --kc Current Mood: blah Current Music: "The Trouble with Love is" --KC (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 6th, 2004
11:50 pm	Sky Holds the Sun *sigh* boys. Okay, so as many of you know i've been agonizing over a certain boy for awhile now. there are just so many mixed emotions and confusion that seems to go along with this awesome friendship. First there was that whole fiasco with him not telling me that he got back together with his gf and now that i'm adjusted to just being good friends he treats me like more than a friend...but just subtly enough that i'm not sure. I realized that my problem is that I treat him like a boyfriend and vice versa... the numerous hugs, kisses, flirting, touching (not naughty!) and our great relationship, that kind of thing. That's the only kind of thing i share with a boyfriend. We're supposed to go out together before i leave again for school, but i'm not sure if i'll have engough time:-( It's so confusing, but i did get some good insight from my little sister. She said that he's not just acting that way b/c he's super nice (like i thought) it's probably because he likes me that way and wants to express himself to me, but he can't do anything more than he is b/c he has a gf. I think that's most likely the case... either way it gets me now where :-( one last word on that.. the other night when we were working he said he wanted to slow dance with me to this song "Sky Holds the Sun." So naturally I HAD to download it and listen to it.. it's the sweetest song ever. "I wanna hold you like the sky holds the sun" oh if only a boy who actually liked me would be so sweet (one tear) Well with all of that on my mind, plus friend issues, working non-stop etc. i've taken up smoking. I'm really against smoking b/c it will probably kill a lot of people in my family and others that i'm close to, but i just need it right now to reduce the stress. I have many other stress-relieving vices, but smoking seems like the easiest to get away with. (in case you were wondering, i have been "bad" lately.. i've been doing really well over the past year, especially considering all that's happened, but i fell off the wagon recently, i'll be back on soon) ok jive turkeys, night! ps. my new nickname at work is ChiChi, don't ask. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Radiohead and "Sky Holds the Sun" (on repeat) (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 4th, 2004
7:35 pm	I'm so tired, Tired of being admired (riiiiiight, lol) I just got off worky jerky and i'm super... SUPER HUNGRY!! lol mommy's making italian sausage so i'm happy about that, but the smell is making me so hungry! Last night was stupendous. Alyssa and I went to Etown to visit my roomie Amybelle and to move some crap in that I got for Xmas. It was such a fun night, but I clearly ate WAY too much. We stopped at like 4 different fast food places to get all of our muncharoos. I won't name the long list of fatty crap i ate but rest assured I feel like a hog :-( So today at work I saw one of the people I've been hoping not to see over break... my ex-bestfriend's boyfriend :-( it sucked ass. I was such a bitch to him, even though he was attempting to be nice. It's just way too late for that. I know it's not ALL his fault that Amy and I aren't close anymore, but in a way it is b/c of him and I can't help but dislike him intensely. The whole epsiode just turned my stomach upside down (it takes a lot of work to be that bitchy! lol) so i bought cigarettes and now I feel super. argh, what a stressful day. But on the brightside at least things are good with Matty. we're planning on doing stuff before I leave for school and i just love working with him and giving/getting hugs, it really makes me feel good about things. Okay, night y'all! Current Mood: pissed off Current Music: 98.5 WYCR (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, January 2nd, 2004
4:40 pm	All Anna All the Time Today seems like my first day off in Jesi! I even get two in a row, super dooper. I'm spending them in my SpongeBob pajamas and so far it's working out pretty well for me. I got up this morning around noon and listened to Mariah Carey and cried... since then I've just been playing on the computer and listening to Clem Snide (recomended by the Awesome Matty) and of course Anna Waronker. Why do I feel like such a freak magnet? All of the guys that hit on me at work and want to take me out are the biggest rejects. Okay, I know I sound like a bitch, but in all fairness I'm a hot piece of ass I can do better than that! It just seems like I can't meet any decent guys who aren't gay or in a relationship (aka. Matty and Mark lol) they are super good friends though. My sister and I were watching Goodfellas last night after I got home from work, when all of the sudden we heard a loud crashing sound coming from the basement. Then we heard the yelling... apparently my parents were arguing and my dad was hitting the countertop down there :-( In my natural piscean way I ran upstairs to avoid any conflict, and all I know is that someone slept on the couch last night. eek... just what this family needs, a little more tension and grief. "A hollow daze fills all the air, the same which fills all of me. The rain will come because it does And flowers bloom to lift them up But not for me With little doubt but little fear Except the fear that there'll be tears And some may laugh, but I don't know And I don't know, but want to soon Someday I will" --Anna Waronker Current Mood: lethargic Current Music: A.W. (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 1st, 2004
10:41 pm	First Entry!! Yay for new journals!! If you are reading this, feel very special :-D I just couldn't take knowing that EVERYONE and their mother knew about my old journal. I was getting so paranoid about who was reading it that I couldn't even express myself and let out all of the stresses that i need to, that is what my journal is all about for me!! (well, it also entertains a few of you that are reading as well, i suppose hehe). I feel so weird saying this.. because now I can... because now I'm pretty sure she's not reading it... This whole thing is because of my "best friend" Amy. I knew she was reading my journal and I wanted to talk about all of the ways she has been frustrating me and whatnot but i couldnt. I just can't bottle it up, especially in my own private journal. After reading my journal she then writes in hers and insinuates a lot of hurtful things towards me... i dont know if its because she's feeling defensive after reading mine or what. I just can't take all of her bullshit Journal entry drama ANYMORE!!! we fought over journal entries before and i'm so done with that. ok so now that that is out in the open... be prepared thats only the tip of the iceberg on that topic... I hope everyone had a good, fun, and safe New Year. I pretty much spent it working but it wasn't terrible, just a little boring. Okay, i suppose that's all for my first entry... i'll write more soon! Current Mood: frustrated Current Music: Anna Waronker (i'll be listening to this one for awhile!!!) (Comment on this)