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Tuesday, October 5th, 2004

Subject:Something I just came up with....
Time:4:23 pm.
Mood: contemplative.
Music:dashboard confessional-turpentine chaser.
"UNDONE"-By Me

Hope falls hard
When you're near
And feelings are deeper
Than they appear

And I know the way
You didn't feel
You never have-
and you never will

I saw the way
You walked away
Not knowing or having
Anything to say

And don't you think
I deserve a call
or an explanation
Anything at all?

All I gave you
And you do this?
Tell me what it takes
To

And why do you still
Hold onto me
As if I'll never
Truly see-

The way you've always
been before-
The way you break me
each day a little more...

And why do you always
Come back again?
Because you know that my heart
Has been ripped open?

Do you think I'm a game
You'll always have won?
Well this time it's over,
I'm coming undone.

********************************************************************************************************************

"Someone Else"-By me also :)

Your eyes are so deep
They always steal my breath
But your words are so cold
Like my on painful death

And my heart is so numb
To the feeling of breaking
And your lies come so often
I can't seem to tell you're faking

While the dreams that I have
Never come true
I'm a person so weak
I don't know what to do

We have so many memories
That time can't take away
And I have so much pain
To suffer day by day

You leave me so much confusion
To deal with by myself
And to think-I thought I knew you
All along you were someone else
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, October 4th, 2004

Subject:*Confusion is nothing new....
Time:8:10 pm.
Mood: crushed.
Music:Dashboard Confessional- Again I go Unnoticed.
Well this past weekend was crazy.....But DJ's bak so thats good! I feel so bad for him though his grandma died this mornin...I'm excited though because this coming weekend we're throwin him a big party for his birthday! It's gonna be off the chain! Grrr.....& Chase is the most confusing person I've ever met! Like I'm completely fine when I go for long periods of time without talking to him, I mean yeah I still think about him occasionally but that's normal for as long as we talked & all the shit we went through, I do miss him. Or let me rephrase that, I miss the person he was when he was with me. But then he starts calling after a couple of weeks or months go by and I start thinking a whole lot about him again & it's sooooo annoying. & It has ALWAYS been that way too...it's like he doesn't want to ever talk to me again one minute, and then 2 months go by and he's callin again wanting to know where I'm at, and what I've been doing or how I've been. I just don't understand & I hear he's dating other people, but when I ask him about it he fucking lies and says he's not....um ok what does it matter if you are or not, we're NOT together, yeah it's gonna hurt me to hear it but I do wanna know just like he wants to know shit about me. And he can't say that he doesn't because he asks about me all the time. He's so fucking stupid I really wish I had never met him or I had had the sense to not get back with him in the first place, I mean ever since the first time we had whatever it was that we had. I should've learned from that and fucking took a hint & not been a dumb ass but oh well some people never learn I guess. I just wish I could completely forget about every little memory I have with him but when he calls it makes this so much harder & things so much worse. Like lastnite he called & was like "my parents are out of town please come to my house & see me..." umm ok...that's really random but I had just woken up so instead of being like "NO I'm not gonna be someone you can just call whenever you feel like it and I'll do whatever you want me to, I'm not your puppet Chase!", I was like "Umm well I just woke up & I can't go anywhere til my parents get bak because my mom has my phone"-which was the truth, but I should've said the 1st one it woulda made me feel a lot better about myslf but I NEVER take up for myself so of course I didn't. But then he was like "well call me when she gets back" & I called him back but they still weren't home, I was just gonna tell him that no matter how much I had wanted to see him or talk to him in the past, I didn't feel like I should be putting myself in that situation again & I thought it would be too weird if I went over there....but he didn't answer. So I haven't talked to him again since, but I'm waitin on another random call. That makes 3 nights in a row now that he's done this to me. Friday was to "see how I was"....Saturday to see "where I was" & Lastnight to see if I could come over? What Chase are you & Casey not working too well? Is that why you're calling? Because she got pissed @ you the lasttime you called me EVEN though it was so I could get my shit back from you......That stupid bitch KNEW the whole time that we were together & you continued to fuckin keep it from me.....I'm not stupid though, I mean come on....
"Yeah Kristen thanks for stayin in Dunlap now she's mad at me"-who? "oh no one".......I am not an idiot Chase, although you can think whatever you want about me I'm definately not an idiot! & What does she have that I don't.....a loose pussy & lack of intelligence but that's about it!- It all makes so much sense now though omg I can't believe I figured this whole thing out-What could you not get in touch with her or were you guys having "problems" this weekend? & that's probably why you were being such a dick the nite I was @ Nathan's because you were with that SLUT. Ugh Im so pissed & hurt....I seriously can't believe this shit. I just really wish he'd STOP calling me altogether & leave it at that. We're done, no more of this "let's try to be friends so I can have you at my convenience" bullshit-no more "lets go 2 months without speaking & make random calls to eachother to say how much we miss eachother"....& definately no more-"lets get back together since I know you care so much about me & you're my last resort because I can walk all over you kristen"-bullshit. I'm fucking finished. I don't know who he is I don't think I ever did. I have got to get away from this. I want to just erase it out of my mind so bad but it continues to stay there and it's like all I can think about now....yah there sure is nothing like a broken heart....*

*ANYWAY!* Saturday we camped @ Blake's-it was incredibly fun from what I can remember haha. But I got really really drunk, and I couldn't even remember how I got my pajamas on the next morning. It was crazy we went ALL the way to Cagle to take Daniel home & Pete rode with us, but I don't really remember anything that happened the way there or back, I barely remember being in the car! I just know that me & Chase kept texting eachother the whole time & I was trying so hard to concentrate on my screen on my phone so I could spell the words right but it was really hard b/c my eyes kept crossin! Then whenever Daniel got out me & Pete both stayed in the back of the car the whole way down the mountain & Jena was up front by herself until she got to the gas station & I had no CLUE we went to GG! Then we lockd the keys in the car & we were beatin on the window tryin to wake Pete up! Haha it was hilarious & definately full of excitement! I cant wait til this comin weekend! I'm sure it'll be a BLAST! Gotta go though-Goin to Jeny's to hang w/Nick & Ryan! Chow :)
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, September 29th, 2004

Subject:*vindicated....*
Time:10:47 pm.
Mood: depressed.
Music:screaming infadelities-dashboard confessional-i luv d/c!.
Alright this sucks but I've come to the sad realisation that the reason a lot of the things I have done for the past 2 years are because of Chase. For some reason I'm completely in love with him & I don't even know why & I wish I could just stop everything & forget it all but I can't. It's just not that easy. And it sucks because a lot of the things I've done have happened to get back @ him or something. I did things I told myself I would never do just in hopes that it would have some sort of impact on him & he would come back to me......or that it would hurt him just as bad as he hurt me. But the more I think about this the more pissed off I get. It's just so disappointing to realize this now, and to think that I care about someone so much that treats me so bad. I don't understand it. I feel like Im gonna be alone for the rest of my life......grrrrrr Jacob just REALLY pissed me off too.....goodnight!
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, August 16th, 2004

Subject:*love=overrated*
Time:5:03 pm.
Mood: depressed.
Music:Cute without the E-Taking Back Sunday.
yeah so i'm back.....haven't written in here in forever because my computer's been screwed up for like a month or two. anyway, things are alright i suppose-well ok really they're not they suck. everything seems like it's going wrong right now, family wise....friend wise, relationship wise. i love chase and i just dont know what else i can do for him to make him realize that. sometimes im so happy with us and other times i feel like we're drifting apart but i don't know if it's because of my thoughts or because its true....or because im not use to the fact that i no longer have a life and he does. everything is pissing me off lately, i cried all night lastnight and i really don't know exactly why. i mean i know why, because im unhappy...but not unhappy with him because i was thinking about how it would be like without him in my life and i honestly don't know what i'd do. sometimes i feel like he isnt attracted to me anymore, i don't know if its just because of some of the things he does whenever we're together or what. i thought things were beginning to get a lot better @ first. we were going around hangin out with his friends and eachother a lot and then all of the sudden we dont see eachother that often and i talk to him for 10 minutes a nite bc hes too tired to talk to me when he gets home but hes too busy to call me during the day. i dont know what to do i dont wanna talk to him about it because i dont wanna bother him with it because im sure it doesnt even matter to him. maybe im looking and thinking way too into things too, i dont really know. lastnite i was crying and he was like "whats wrong with you now" uhh none of your fucking business if youre gonna act like that, if i really wanted you to know in the first place then i wouldve told you. guys are fucking assholes and im beginning to think that im never gonna find one to make me truly happy all the time.... im not even interested in anyone else, how would i get over this if he dicked me over again?.....oh well i gotta get ready and stuff.....be bak later*
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Friday, July 9th, 2004

Subject:Um Friday entry b/c I have no life....
Time:11:07 pm.
Mood: crazy.
Music:best of whats around-dmb*.
Well this has been one incredibly interesting week I must say. I haven't written in what feels like forever, because I've been so busy & all. (Pssssssh....*rolls eyes*) No really, I just haven't been getting online lately. I don't know, I was reading my earlier entries and I bet I'm the most confusing person in the world. One entry says stuff about how much I love Chase, then the next one is talking about how much he pisses me off and I'm not gonna waste my time anymore. But honestly, it's not a waste of time @ all, I really do love him & I'm so happy with the way that things are. I've never been happier in my life, than I am when I'm with him & it's been going strong for 5 months now so that's a plus. Also his 16th birthday is in 11 days so that means he'll finally get a license and he can come see me so I won't have to spend so much money on gas for making trips over the mountain. I really don't mind that at all though, as long as I get to see him. What really gets on my nerves though is when I have to drive all the way to Hixson first to pick up Jena! Ugh.....that's so annoying, especially since I only live like 15 minutes (@ the most) from Dunlap. Oh well, I finally figured out that the reason that Chase & I have never called ourselves "boyfriend & girlfriend" is because of his parents. Which I understand to a certain extent. He can't ever tell his mom he's leaving with me and I can't ever pick him up from his house. She doesn't know that we're dating because he's 15 & I'm 18. But I just turned 18 and he's about to be 16 so it's really not that bad and it wouldn't be bad @ all if they would actually give me a chance and get to know me. But I guess I'll just have to wait for a while and hopefully when he starts driving they'll trust him more and we can actually make everything public. Which everyone else knows that we're together, just not his parents....it just kinda gets old because I always have to sneak him out and I can't ever just go to his house and see him or go watch a movie or anything we always have to be secretive around his mom. I know they probably also hate the fact that I'm not from there & that they don't know much about me except for that no one in the town likes me and I dress provocatively. But I really don't....I guess because I don't wear overalls and a t-shirt everyday it's a bad thing. I understand though, so I'm being patient about it. But I've been having so much fun with him lately, he calls me all the time and we always figure some way of spending time together. For the past 4 nights we've had sex though and I started having these really bad cramps in the lower part of my stomach so I went to the hospital today and I found out I have cysts on my ovaries. So Monday I have to get them removed and that's not gonna be good :-\ I'm really nervous....and I got really upset today, I've just been having a week from hell. Aside from things being good with Chase, the rest of my life is going all to hell. It's falling apart and I can't do anything about it. I still haven't gotten a job, and lastnight my car brokedown so that's money I HAVE to spend that I DONT have and I have NO idea where I'm gonna get it. Sometimes I hate myself, Chase pointed some stuff out lastnight that really made me hate myself and then today my parents bitched me out because my car brokedown like I could do something about it or prevent it from happening or whatever. Chase told me that after he found out about T.A. he went to the spot on his 4wheeler, where T.A. told him it had happened and just sat there and stuff and looked around. It made me feel horrible....I felt like slapping myself in the face, it felt like a slap in the face anyway. But yah, so then....I had to leave my car @ Laura's bc I couldn't get it started which also meant that I had no way to get to my job interview today. She took me home @ like 2 and Chase called me one time today, other than the time he called a minute ago to tell me he was @ the drive-in with Hailey. Anyway so I was really down on myself today=not a good time to be alone. Needless to say I have a problem that got the best of me and before I knew it I was lying on the floor with blood all over me and my wrist wrapped in a towel crying. I don't do it to try to commit suicide so I don't want people to think I'm crazy which I know there's really no sane explanation for it but I just did it to make myself feel better I had been thinking about doing it all day long and it felt good to get it over with. It scared me really bad though because I used a really big knife, bigger than most of the time, and I cut really really deep...a lot deeper than I intended because I just started stabbing my arm and before I knew it I had a HUGE gash and it was like an inch deep....it hurts so bad I think I tore into a muscle and it won't stop bleeding. My mom said I need stitches, Oh and then to top off the bad news, 3 of my close friends were in a car accident tonight & they're in the trauma unit @ Erlanger so I need to go see them. Please pray for them u guys! And for me.......gotta go though, Gotta send some emails! LuViEs!!
Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, June 11th, 2004

Subject:LASTNIGHT=PERFECT
Time:2:38 am.
Mood: giddy.
Music:I don't wanna know-Mario Winans & P.Diddy! lol.
So......Lastnight was the BEST night that I've had in I don't know how long. I mean I really can't think of any recent times off the top of my head that I smiled the ENTIRE night, and never thought of anywhere else that I wanted to be because the majority of the night I was EXACTLY where I always want to be. Me & Jena stayed the night @ Jordan's and the night couldn't have gone any better! It was awesome, me and Chase became so much closer and we had so much fun! For once, I felt like I was actually being myself around him and not worrying about it so much. We spent a lot of time together watching t.v. & we went to get food, then we went back to Jordan's & Jena & Jordan went to bed, so me & Chase stayed up & watched t.v. & goofed off. We didn't really do much of anything but it was definately the BEST time I've ever had doing nothing at all. I didn't want the night to end...Sadly he had to leave at 10 this morning, but we made the best of the night. We finally ended up going to bed around 2 his time, but neither one of us could go to sleep. So we turned the lights off and made up songs, then started making stupid noises with our mouths lol and then I made him pop my back but it didn't really work too well. It was just so much fun. And he kept acting like he was blowing me kisses and then he'd tell me to kiss him back but it was pitch dark in the room so I couldn't have seen my hand if it would've been infront of my face, then when I'd go to kiss him he'd turn real fast and my mouth would hit his chest or his chin or something but it was really funny lol. Just cute stuff like that that makes me love being around him. We talkeD ALL night and I got to know him so much better, and I told him some things that I've never told him before so that went over pretty well. We had a somewhat serious-but interesting and happy conversation. It was nice to actually open up to him and he opened up to me a little, I guess more than usual so anything is good for me! Especially with a guy like him! Ahhhh I love him :) He acts so much different towards me now and I really think this is going somewhere this time! yay for me!....not to mention he's like honestly the hottest guy I've ever seen....well in person, but there's no one in this world that I want more than him or would rather be with. He means everything to me..

RIVERBEND IS TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YESSSSSSSS! That is gonna be SOOOOO fUN! I may have to pick him up from Dunlap before I go downtown though because he doesn't have a ride & I don't want him to have to miss Riverbend because he doesn't have a ride over here! THat would suck! It already sucks bad enough that he has basketball camp, then he has to work & all his friends are gonna leave him so they can get there early! I wanna get there early too so I can see Michelle Branch but I also don't want to go with out him! I just wouldn't have any fun! So I volunteered to come pick him up & take him with me after he got off because I know how it feels to not be able to drive & It sucks!! I use to get bored to tears when my friends would leave me behind bc I didn't have a car...but that also means I have to wait on him to get off but I mean it's not like those extra hours won't come in handy when I'm getting ready because I take FOREVER usually. Ugh which reminds me that I have NO IDEA what I'm gonna wear! I need new clothes desperately! Wellllllllll not so much desperately....b/c I have MILLIONS AnD GAZILLIONS of clothes EVERYWHERE! But I could use a different variety.....hm, I may take my clothes to consignment tomorrow! YAYAYAYA! $1,300 BUCKS ALL foR ME-Sunday I'll be getting my CashFloW! I can't WAIT! I've already decided I'm getting my hair done, my nails, buying tanning visits, new clothes & taking my old ones to consignment, pedicure, cell phone, tattoo & WHO KNOWS what else! I figure if I don't find a way to spend it all I'll put the rest back in savings until I save my money I make working....that way I can buy my miata and paint it PinK! :) exciting!! man my summer just keeps getting better......at this rate, by August I should be a famous Miss Teen America! :) Buuuuuuuuuuut in order for that I gotta keep up my BEAUTY REST! SO goooooodnight blurty! U know I love u MoRe than AiR!
---LOSE POUNDS, BUY GOWNS, & WIN CROWNS---PAGEANT GiRLS R AMERICA'S PRINCESSES!!
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Tuesday, June 8th, 2004

Subject:*What u feel is what u are & what u are is beautiful...*
Time:11:01 pm.
Mood: worried.
Well lastnight was one of the most interesting and dramatic nights that I've had in a long time. ::Sigh:: and Friday is Riverbend, which is gonna be fun! but Im so nervous about Chase meeting someone else.....I don't want him to find someone that he would rather be with instead of me. I don't know though lastnight I really did think that me and Chase were gonna be over for good.....and I'm so glad that things worked out for us because I was so upset I could barely breathe. It was just a horrible night :(. And Thursday I'm suppose to meet Kelly! So I'm excited about that, but I just hate driving that far because I don't have a cell & I don't know where I'm going...
Hmm and Chase is REALLY gonna be mad at me about that, I just hope he meets up with me @ Riverbend because thats REALLY gonna piss me off if he doesn't. And Oh BOY-tomorrow is Wednesday which means that I have to clean my ENTIRE house & go to the insurance companY & I need to go to the tanning bed. Oh & we're going back to Jordan's=Fun stuff. -No that was sarcasm, I really dread it. I mean I love spending time with Chase but if it turns out anything like lastnight then I'm fucking leaving, I swear on my life and I'm not ever going back to hang out with them. They humiliated me lastnight, I'm just glad it's over...I love Chase so much & I'm so scared of losing him, I don't know what would happen if I did, I mean I don't know how I would handle that or how I would react to it all because I care so much about him, and I really do love him more than anything. I just wish he knew exactly how I felt. We never have the balls to talk about that with eachother but maybe someday. .....
Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, June 6th, 2004

Subject:Justa waste of time
Time:2:22 am.
Mood: crushed.
Music:Open Arms-Mariah Carey (Journey originally but oh well).
Ok you're NOT my boyfriend. You do what YOU wanna do, and I don't say shit. For some very good reasons.....#1 I'm not your girlfriend, if I were, then maybe I would act different about some of the things that you do, but instead we're just "Dating or whatever" so I feel like it's not my place to say anything to you. #2 I would just make myself look like an idiot because what I say to you isn't going to change anything that you do or how you feel anyway so what's the point? I just don't understand, you want to act like I'm your girlfriend when we're together, and when I'm with ANY of my friends, regardless of who it is or what we're doing you wanna act like my boyfriend then too.....But you don't wanna act like I'm your girlfriend whenever YOUR friends are around or anyone in Dunlap is for that matter. I don't get it? I don't know what it is that you want from me, I've given you everything I have to give and I'm runnin out of things to do here. You know how I feel, I love you more than anything and you know I'd do anything for you but that doesn't seem to matter to you. Well maybe it matters to you, but not enough to make me one of your priorities. Instead, EVERYTHING you do comes before me. The way that I feel about & treat you is completely different though because you actually ARE one of my priorities. One of my TOP priorities infact. I just don't understand how I'm suppose to act about all this, I mean if you wanna yell at me and try to control the things that I do or act like you have any reason to say anything to me about what I do, you should be in a real relationship with me. I'm tired of pretending like I don't care as much as I do, and acting like I'm someone that I'm not infront of certain people just because you're too afraid to let them know how you feel about me. You don't even let ME know how you feel about me, and I think I deserve to hear it more than anyone else. I'm so tired of what we have. You're all I've wanted for so long, ever since I lost you the last time alL I 've wanted was to have you back in my life. You just don't understand how you make me feel or how I feel about you. I try my best to show you, and it obviously isn't enough. I want a relationship. I want to be the girl you call your girlfriend. I want to hear you tell me that you feel the same way about me as I do you, and actually mean it. I want you to show me how you feel about me and I want to be the one to hold your hand, I want to give you the shoulder to cry on and listen to anything you have on your mind. I want you to be my boyfriend and if that's too much to ask after all this time & after all that we've been through then maybe I do deserve better. Maybe you aren't all that I thought you were, and maybe I need to move on. ----But honestly Chase, I really do love you.

Hm, on a happier note, I'm feelin a little better today! I hadta get a shot bc my tonsils were so swollen this morning I couldn't swallow. But then I went and hung out with Robbie & some of his friends downtown tonite. It was actually a lotta fun! They made me feel better and I didn't think about the things I've been upset about lately so that was cool. We basically hung out in a parking lot all night and talked to a buncha people from Gordon Lee, Ooltewah, RedBank & Ringgold! It was alright! And I saw a lotta people from Soddy & Hixson & Boyd Buchanan that I knew! THat was pretty neat, since I haven't been getting out much I haven't seen anyone....but I did have a lot of fun! Robbie is trying to get me to meet his friend Kelly & that would be awesome lol. I saw a picture of him & he's soooooooo incredibly hott and Robbie says he's the nicest guy in the world. Which is awesome because I don't think I've ever met any guys that were actually nice, I mean that were interested in me anyway. The only thing is he's 6'6. LOL, not the greatest size for someone that is 4'10". He could like step on me and not even realize it hahaha.... but Oh well, Robbie said that he wouldn't care about that. It'd be really cool if I did get to meet him & stuff though. I'm suppose to go down to Chickamauga tomorrow night & camp with a bunch of them & some of my girlfriends from Redbank & Ooltewah are gonna go with me so that is gonna be off the chain!! We're gonna take our fishin poles & stuff! Hehe Have a good ol' time in Chick town! Only thing is though I just hope I don't run into Af! I hate his guts.....he's sucha loser. Oh well, I don't think I will because he's supposedly moving to GA military tomorrow morning which = AWESOME! haha anyway-Riverbend is gonna be the sHiT! I absolutely CANNOT wait! Tomorrow I'm gonna go get my money outta the bank and buy some new Riverbend outfits, afterall, it's only 6 days away!! wooooooohooooo! Haha....Hmmm alright welL I'm wayyyyy to awake right now & it's almost 4 a.m. so I guess I should go try to wind down!! gOoDnIgHt BlUrTy! PEACE OUT-LOVE IN-&-ThUMbS UP! ROCCCCCCK OOONNNN....Coneecheewahh bitches-The whistle goes WHOO WHOOO*
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Friday, May 28th, 2004

Subject:*--I wanna hate you so bad but I can't stop this anymore than you can--*
Time:4:17 am.
Well this week has pretty much sucked. I feel like I've accomplished a whole buncha nothin'...but tomorrow is gonna suck most of all because I have to clean my room & the rest of the house :( and it's Friday so I pretty much have to FIND something to do, Chase has basketball games all day :( And it's Chad's funeral tomorrow morning :-\ that's gonna be the worst thing ever, I'm glad that I'm not going in a way but I wish I could be there for Chase because I know how upset he's going to be. I wanna just hold him...it hurts me sooo bad to see him so upset but I know I can't really do anything about it. No one can. I just can't believe this stuff has happened. And Nathan, I feel awful for him, I don't know what I'd do if I were in his position, there's really nothing to do in that case because you can't think straight I'm sure. I just know that I'm never riding with anyone that's been drinking ANYMORE and I'll definately NEVER drink & drive, & I'll always wear my seatbelt. Chad was so cool...and he was so cute :( I feel so bad for his family & everyone really, all my friends are a mess over it and it just sucks too because I can't make them feel better like I want to.

On a better note....I feel like me & Chase are getting a lot closeR! I finally got a car too!! YAY! :)

OMG & Afman is the biggest liar I've ever met! LOL I haven't talked to him in forever, and he told Robbie that I called him the other day to hang out?! Yah right, why the hell would I do that?! I wouldn't hang out with him if my life depended on it. Hm that was pretty harsh, but really, I wouldn't.

Anyway, back to Chase :) He calls me everynite, I just feel like we've gotten to know eachother so much better this time around and I love the person I've gotten to know...the person he turned out to be is even more amazing than the person I met a year ago, because I actually KNOW the real him. I just feel so happy with him, he means a lot to me and I think he knows that this time too. Everyone else does, so he should. I don't see him doing anything to hurt me again either just because I think he's the type of person that would be blunt enough to tell me if he didn't like me. Everyone's like "you're so stupid Kristen, Why are you doing this to yourself again he's just gonna hurt you again, remember what he did last time, he's still talking to all these other girls bla bla bla"-that's so annoying. Maybe some of that stuff will happen, but I don't think that it will. I think I know Chase well enough to know that he cares too much not to do that to me. I think I know Chase well enough to be able to trust his word & any of that stuff can happen with any relationship & with anyone I date. I'm so happy! I love the fact that I have him back in my life and on the way home tonight I was just thinking about how tomorrow is May 28th, the date that we met eachother 1 year ago. I think that the reason he was so mean to me after we stopped talking was because everytime I ever talked to him I was dating either Dustin or Thomas or Luke. And I think that that made him mad, so he dealt with it by taking it out on me....I don't really know for sure, maybe I'm making excuses for him but I should be able to be happy & He really really makes me happy! I just wish he would talk to me about the way he feels...I think he knows about the way that I feel, he should by now anyway. I've gotten too drunk before & accidentally told him. But I don't regret it he needs to know, I just wanna be like "Chase I love you, I really do and I don't care if you don't say anything to me you can think about it or whatever you have to do but that's just how I feel and I think that you deserve to know, I can't change the way I feel or help it if I feel any different than you but I want you to know...Because I really do love him & I just want to make him happy. I wouldn't ever hurt him especially after the whole T.A. situation. I never knew up until this point that it hurt him as bad as it did, but now that I know I would never even think about putting him in any type of position like that. If I did something to screw this up again, I couldn't forgive myself. He's all I've thought about for the past year, especially during the time I was without him...so why would I want to hurt him? He means so much to me. And I'm stressing this because his sister hates me. And I can tell Chase sometimes tries to hide the fact that we have something again from her because he knows she doesn't like me. BUt she BARELY knows me. I've hung out with her and been around her MAYBE a total of 4 times, then again that's how every girl that I barely know feels about me-so it all goes back to the story of my life! BUt anyway I understand that it's her little brother and all that, but if she thinks I'm gonna hurt him then that's just stupid, why would I Do that?! I wouldn't do anything to screw this up again. And I know she knows about T.A. but that is NONE of her business, or ANYONE else's for that matter, yah it was a HUGE mistake that I LEARNED A LOT from, I realize I screwed up and if Chase can let it go then I don't see what it should matter to anyone else. She KNOWS I was NOT mean to him the first time we were together, she doesn't know my story but I don't know if I should try to talk to her about it or not. I mean what I want more than anything is to have an open relationship with Chase and be able to get along with his family & have his family like me because I want to have that type of relationship with him. I feel so much different about him than I have with other people & I think it's fair that I should have the chance to prove that I'm not the type of girl that his mom & Emily think that I am. It just makes me so mad that Emily is so two faced towards me, she acts like she likes me but I've heard from practically everyone that she doesn't. I guess I should try talking to her it won't hurt anything. And besides that I'm the only person that REALLY got hurt from the T.A. thing, I know Chase did and we've already talked about that and put it behind us but it did things to me that I can't really describe like emotionally & mentally it scarred me pretty bad. No one knows what that feels like or even my side of the story. Chase wasn't exactly perfect to me the first time around, I realize he's younger than me and all that, but I don't care about anything like that. I'm a good person altogether I just wish they'd give me a chance. I really do love him :( ....Anyway, gotta go to sleep, I'm drained! Goodnight Blurty :) ......

PEACE-(/|\)-LOVE<3<3-&-PAGEANT CROWNS :{|*
Comments: Add Your Own.

Thursday, May 13th, 2004

Subject:Dooo Daaa Dooo Daaa....I'm really bored & I need to update blurty...Dooo daaa dooo daa day! :)
Time:1:52 am.
Mood: awake.
Music:Britney-Toxic.
FiRsT heRe iS mY sUrVeY....

[ x ] Your first name- kRiStEn

[ x ] Your middle name: ReAnNaH :)-yah it's sorda a whopper.

[ x ] Your first name spelled backwards - nEtSiRk

[ x ] Where do you live - SODDY-DAISY, TENNESSEE-The best place to be :) haha...yah right.

[ x ] Four words that sum you up - REAL, FRIENDLY, GIRLY, & COOL....yah I think I'm the coolest haha j/p

DESCRIBE YOUR

[ x ] Wallet -It's about the size of a post-it & it's HOT pink & furry...and it has glitter on it lol

[ x ] Toothbrush – yep...u guessed it...hot pink, colgate wave baby

[ x ] Jewelry worn daily –2 or 3 rings, my 3 toe rings, an anklet, usually a necklace & matching bracelet, matching earrings, my PINk stud nose ring, my star belly ring & a BLINGIN diamond in my cartiledge-but I usually match it w/my outfits so it depends...

[ x ] Pillow cover – Pink, Silver & a Power Puff Girl one

[ x ] Blanket – Power Puff Girls.

[ x ] Shoes – Do you really wanna ask a girl that question when she has 108 different pairs?....Didn't think so...

[ x ] Favorite shirts - probably my hot pink halter that's reversable
[ x ] CD in stereo right now – Britney Spears & 2 burnt ones
[ x ] Tattoos – Nope!

[ x ] Piercings -3 earrings, nose ring, belly ring

what:

[ x ] are you wearing now – My navy blue tommy girl pj's....tank N shorts

[ x ] is In my mouth – uhh my teeth and my tongue?

[ x ] is In my head – that song...Incomplete by Sisqo...don't ask me whY! lol I haven't heard it in 4ever!

[ x ] are you Wishing = I'm always wishing for something, in this case I've been wishin on the same thing for a year now :(

[ x ] who are you Talking to – no one.. I have my away message up for some reason lol!

[ x ] are your Fetishes –shoes, purses, makeup & nailpolish...& I LOVE Beauty Pageants!

if

[ x ] you could get away with it and murder anyone, who and for what reason? – hmm.. i cant really think of anyone i wanna kill right now..

who

[ x ] is a Person you wish you could see right now – My Chase :( I miss him...I only get to see him on the weekends b/c my fucking car is screwed up...

[ x ] Is next to you – a phone, a cup of water, and the stuffed butterfly Chase gave me

what is/are

[ x ] Some of your favorite movies –Cruel Intentions, anything w/Paul Walker. Devon Sawa, & Johnny Depp in them...& Super Troopers!

[ x ] Something you're looking forward to in the upcoming month –SUMMER TIME! :)

[ x ] Something that you are deathly afraid of –Bugs, the dark, storms, and birds

[ x ] Do you like candles – Uh huh!!

[ x ] Do you like hot wax – Why yah!

[ x ] Do you like incense – Hmm if they smell pretty then yea..

[ x ] Do you like the taste of blood – Eww hell no what kinda question is that?

[ x ] Do you believe in love –Of course

[ x ] Do you believe in soul mates – yes

[ x ] Do you believe in love at first sight - yeah in a weird weird way I think it has happened to me before....

[ x ] Do you believe in forgiveness – yes!

[ x ] What do you want done with your body when you're dead? - I don't know yet..

[ x ] Who is your worst enemy - uhh.. myself probly

[ x ] If you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be – a pink hippopottomus
haha
[ x ] What are some for your favorite pig out foods – Chips Ahoy Chewy Chocolate Chip Cookies, Reese's sticks, Bacon & Cheddar Fries!, Doritos, Pringles, Snickers & Sour Straws!

[ x ] What's something you wish you could understand better- PEOPLE....



x:Height=4'10" & 1/2

x:Shoe size= 5 & 1/2

x:Hair color= Brown with black, light blonde and caramel streaks all over

x:Siblings= 2 step sisters: 26 & 20, 1 bro- 23



LAST...

x:Movie you rented= I'm pretty sure it was The Rundown when Jena & Chase & Jordan watched it with me!

x:Movie you bought= IT

x:Song you listened to= Taking Back Sunday- You're so last summer

x:Song that was stuck in your head= Incomplete I told u!

x:CD you bought= Britney Spears...

x:CD you listened to=My Burnt one with my punk mix on it

x:Person you've called= Jena

x:Person that's called you=Chase

x:Tv show you've watched= The Bachelor!

x:Person you were thinking of= Chase :)

x:Friend you made= Michael! he's cool as shit :)



DO...

x:You have a crush on someone=Of course...My C*Dubya :)

x:You wish you could live somewhere else=Sometimes but I do like this PODUNK town!
& all the ones that surround it too!

x:You want more piercings= yea.. 2nd hole & nipples

x:You drink= Occasionally :)

x:You do drugs= no way jose

x:You smoke= nope! eww

x:You like cleaning= Only when I'm bored or in a bad mood...but I always love a clean house so I don't have a choice lol

x:You like piercings on others= Well if you're asking if I like piercings on guys then...sometimes, it just depends. On girls, I don't really care because I don't look at other girls

x:You write in cursive or print= print

FAVORITE

x:Food= Mac N Cheese, Chicken, cereal & Icecream!

x:Song=Everytime-Britney Spears, Anything by Taking Back Sunday & DMB...

x:Thing to do= Beauty pageants, lay out, swim, fish, go muddin, party, shop & hang w/the friends, gymnastics, talk and listen to music-i love music

x:Thing to talk about= anything that's on my mind or open for discussion.

x:Sports= baseball, basketball & football, gymnastics & dance

x:Drinks= natty light, daquiris, liquor, sprite, water, ocean water from sonic...well pretty much anything from sonic

x:clothes= Anything cute! I love clothes I have way tooo many to just pick 1

x:Band/singer= Taking back sunday, yellowcard, NFG, rancid, pennywise, finch, AAR, starting line, SOTY, DMB, Dashboard Confessional, Britney Spears, Eminem, etc...there R millions

x:Holiday= I like em all!



HAVE YOU...

x:Ever cried over a girl= noo... well when i used to get in fights with my friends back in 5th and 6th grade

x:Ever cried over a boy= way more than I should have....

x:Ever lied to someone= yea who hasn't?

x:Ever been arrested= nope but I've been in trouble by the cops :-\

WHAT...

x:Shampoo do you use= I switch out each month, sometimes pantene, thermasilk, biolage, herbal essence, catwalk, bedhead, or paul mitchell

x:Shoes do you wear= it depends on what matches my outfit, i have 108 pairs of different shoes so there's no tellin....

x:Are you scared of= the dark, bugs, storms, birds & snakes



NUMBER...

x:Of times I have been in love?= twice

x:Of times I have had my heart broken?= twice

x:Of hearts I have broken?= I don't know but I'm thinkin none...that I know of anyway

x:Of drugs taken illegally?= I've only tried 2 different things but it was a one time thing so....

x:Of people I would classify as true, could trust with my life type friends?=Maybe 2 or 3

x:Of things in my past that I regret?= so many I couldn't type...let's just say the whole entire year of 2003 is 1 big regret, except for Chase & a few other things


DO YOU THINK YOU ARE...

x:Pretty= I try?

x:Hot=U tell me!

x:Friendly= Of course I am! I'm nice to everyone until they give me a reason not to be....

x:Amusing= Probably only when I'm wasted

x:Ugly= I have confidence

x:Lovable= its up to you ? I think so though :)

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

& now a poem for ur enjoyment :)

I love you but I hate you
I can't figure this one out
I even tried to apologize
But I don't know what about

You say that you care
Then you fuck with other girls
Oh but I take you back cause obviously
I'm the dumbest bitch in the world

One time was too much
But you just don't understand
I wish you'd stop these bullshit games
C'mon- grow up and be a man

You know you make me weak
Cause you can see it in my eyes
So how can you look at me
And tell these fucking lies

I know the deal, people talk
But I believe you instead of what's true
I wanna be able to trust your word
But of course, it is coming from you...

So even though I'm not your "girlfriend"
Go ahead & cuss me out
You don't have a reason
You just like to bitch & pout

Oh & you want to see me?
What? when you ain't got shit to do?
You know what forget this all....
Just take it as a BIG FUCK YOU

And last but not least...my bitchy 9 Things That I Hate About Everyone.....O but you know I love you! :)

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the heck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? didnt think so..

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus had come, do you honestly think I would still be standing here?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No, I paid 7.50 to come to the Cinema and stare at the floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When they say something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it?
If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What?? Life is the longest thing anyone ever has!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the heck would you keep looking after you've found whatever you're looking for? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

Hehe, k....I'm out-Night Blurty!
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, May 12th, 2004

Subject:Maybe this is REALLLLLLLY STUPID, but I'm SO bored!
Time:2:49 am.
Mood: bored.
Music:The thing we'll never say-Taking Back Sunday.
Yah Yah , this is pathetic and stupid, but I'm so freakin bored.....I stole this from my FAVORITE girl Jamie's Blurty! Haha, she's awesome, we me through doing pageants together & she's beautiful! Goodluck in Miss Teen Mississippi Girl! I miss you!

Ok.....
All About Him...
-His/Her Name: Charles Allen Bruce Whited (Wow. what a whopper of a name.)
-Nicknames: Chase*C-Dub :D
-Age: 15...yah he's a youngin but I still love 'em!
-Birthday: July 20
-Height: Hmm like 5'11" or 5'10"?? justa guess...
-Weight: Well he said he weighed like 100 pounds more than me almost, so I'm guessin around 180....no I don't weigh 80 lbs...I weigh 90 thanks :) but he said almost so it's a good estimate??
-Hair Color: Dirty Blondish/brown....it's really pretty though & shiny hehe :)
-Eye Color: AHHHHH GREEN! but like the prettiest color of green you'll ever see! I <3 his eyes!
-Glasses/Contacts: I think he has both, I know for sure that he has glasses but he doesn't wear them often...
-Freckles/Dimples: a few freckles I guess but not many

Couple Stuff...
-What were your first impressions: WoaH! he's hot :)....
-Who asked out who: Haha well the first thing he said to me was "how you doin?"
-Who made the first move: Him...
-Where was your first kiss: May 29th @ the drive-in movies.....while Jena & Jordan got out & went to the concession stand! haha
-Where was the first place you had sex: his bestfriends bed...lol kinda weird? :-\
-When did you first tell him you loved him: In a 4 page letter that I wrote to him the first time that we stopped talking
-When was your first real fight: Probably the night that I heard he kissed this girl named Sasha....it was like August 8th because it was the night we broke things off

On a scale of 1-10...
-sense of Humor: 10
-looks: 10
-intelligence: 10
-attitude: 10
-style: 10
-kissing: 10
-in the sack: 10
-friends: 9

Faves
-Color: Blue or green
-Band: many
-Song: many
-Movie: Probably Oldschool, he always quotes it anyway
-Sport: football for sure...
-Game: Haha probably circle of death, or any of the drinking games we play
-Past Time: basketball, football, me I hope I'm somewhere in there, hanging out with friends, his family, parties, working out
-Sexual Position: wouldn't u like to know! ;)
-Nickname for you: K*Unit, Baby, Babe, K*dub
-Subject: I'm pretty sure he hates school....probably weight training
-Family Member: I'm sure he loves his whole family but his big sis Emily

Aww I love him! :)
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:-x-** I'm in a weirddddddddd mood....Pissy, bitchy, or just BLAh-whatever u wanna call it..**-x-
Time:1:41 am.
Mood: contemplative.
Music:Drunk Girl-Taking Back Sunday & *Tap, Tap*-Nails on Desk :).
Ok Ok Ok...Now I know that I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I can fucking tell when someone is lying to me. Although some people might think so, I'm no fucking moron. Haha I wonder how many times I've said the word "fucking" in all of my blurties..yah I like that word. It's fun. It's fun to say & it's fun to type & when I type it I get to say it so yah I'm the shit.

Anyway...I hate you I hate you OMG I fucking hate you so much I love you endlessly and although I don't know the right in this I think it's good for me, You make me cring when you walk by, So much though, it makes me cry, I hate it when you don't call or when you're out with someone new, but most of all I hate, the way I'm still in love with you, yeah that's right a year's gone by, since this bullshit all began, but without you back in my life, I wouldn't know where to stand, You make burnt popcorn taste alright, you make my days feel like night, you make me warm at just your sight, you make the dark seem so light, when I fall fast asleep.....I know you're there for me to keep, I hope this isn't too good to be true, because I'm so in love with you, you're everything I've wanted.....and you know, I don't even know why, but I guess as long as you're here I shouldn't pass it by, but is this really worth it all? or will it be another down fall? will you see just what you've got? would you give it another shot? I'd love to trust you now, and believe your every word.....but with the things I'm hearing, that would be absurd. Even though it still hurts now, I'm helpless....you know that, but I keep my blind fold on anyway & stay up to bat. If you fucking hurt me one more time, how would I handle it now? Last time that this happened I broke my every vow. You know I tried to forget this, in every way I could, but then you came back again & I wondered why I should. Just tell me how you feel, it's not that hard to do, unless it's like the last time, then I'd say hey.....fuck you, but hopefully it's different, if it's not you're doing well, acting isn't easy, but if you are, I couldn't tell. So yah this hurts.... I can feel it...& it's definately falling apart...you know that thing that I love you with.....well you broke it, that thing you know?....my heart? I love you so much I don't know why, I ask myself everyday, just like everyone else asks me, when I don't know what to say. People think I'm stupid, and people think I'm dumb, Sometimes though I think, that my heart is just numb. Numb to the way you make it feel, Numb to the fact that I can't tell what's real...Numb to the way you made it stop, Numb to the way it use to drop-everytime I saw you, & I couldn't breathe, I knew my heart was breaking, slow & endlessly.

Whoa.....that was just outta no where. Pretty random if you ask me. Wow. I just came up with all that off the top of my head...well not really-that's how I feel. I'm freakin out here :( I don't wanna feel that way and it sucks that I do but I guess you can't change the way you feel. Not after something that affects you this bad has happened. I hope this never happens again though. This can't be too healthy for me though, ya know? I mean being back with the person that made me feel like this in the first place. But I love him....and I can't change that either. And who knows? Maybe he changed. He does make me happy this time. Hm. I should become a writer. Screw Psychology, I mean how bad would that suck to have an appointment with a psychologist that had to call into work because she was depressed. Haha. Ironic? Maybe just a little. Is it normal for me to be deep like this? I think so. I like it when I'm in these moods...and I love the fact that I have this pageant coming up & I got my nails done for it haha, because I like the noise it makes whenever I type. Tap:Tap:Tap: nails on the keyboard, ok anyway, I'm over that. HOLY S-The new Spiderman is coming out Friday! I hope it comes to the drive-in in D-towN! Maybe me & Chase could go see it if it does because I REALLY don't feel like spending more than 5 bucks at the theatre and plus it doesn't get much better than sittin in your own car eatin whatever you want & drinkin a beer-haha or bein able to make out without disturbing everyone sitting behind you because hey, if you don't want people in your car just don't bring em! Man it really sucks that I'm almost 18 in a way. I miss being young. I know this is a little late, but I hate change & everything is changing, everyone's growing up and it's so weird. I hate it. And I also hate bugs....stupid fucking spider. So I type away for hours never noticing the bastard, and then it fucking crawls OUT of no where. This huge sorry excuse for exsistence, a big black spider about the size of my hand-yah my hands are pretty small, I'm a small gal lol, but still this was NOT your average spider. Anyway, I freaked needless to say, but hey that didn't stop me from finishing my blurty! I'm back nizzles. Oh yah but Spider man........hey that's funny! Kinda odd......but funny! Maybe it's a sign, because I was just talking about the SpiderMan movie when that fucker came out from behind the blinds! Oh well, he's a goner now, he kicked the bucket after my BIG stilletto heel came charging at his head! Haha serves him right, he shoulda stayed outside where he fucking belonged. Spiders=DON'T MESS w/Me! Man that would suck if you were just walkin around in someone's house and all of a sudden a HUGE shoe comes crashin on your head....leaving you on your death bed. Oh well, sons of bitches should stay with their spider friends! Ok Ok ANYWAY, why would a girl like me wanna see Spiderman you ask? Well....I forgot who it was, but one of the guys in the movie is fucking hot, I think it's like his son or something, Anyway, I heard that Heath Ledger was playing in it and I'm pretty sure that's who his character is and OH MY GOSH he's BEAUTIFUL, he's a panty changer Britt-that 1 was for you! haha Ok anyway, really, dude is FINE as SHIT! he's all that & a box of popsicles! Hmmmm.....that was gay. Oldskool, fun to say, but definately the gayest thing I've yet to come up with. Sometimes I amaze myself. Haha. OH YAH! and of course on top of Heath Ledger's FINE ASS, TAKING BACK SUNDAY=MY FAVORITE BAND!, has lotsa songs in the soundtrack to the movie! SOooooo I do have to say that for those 2 reasons alone, Spiderman II is gonna be off the CHAIN TIGER! :) Oh well, no one's talking to me anymore, and I'm getting delierious (SP?)-Yah I've never been quite the Gem at spelling, I fucking mispelled needle in the spelling bee in 1st grade.....it made me never want to spell again. Haha. Anyway, Goodnight, sleeptight humpettes!-Gotta big day tomorrow, gotta go to Home Depot & Bed Bath & Beyond!!--PEACE-(/|\)-<3<3LOVE<3<3 & Pageant Crowns!:{) :{)
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, May 10th, 2004

Subject:I feel like this is so pointless sometimes.......
Time:3:26 pm.
Mood: confused.
Music:Heart on her sweater-Taking Back Sunday.
Thursday night conversation consists of......Me: What are you doin tomorrow?.....Chase: I don't know yet.....Me: Well I wanna see you, you should hang out with us because we don't have a curfew.....Chase: Alright well yeah I wanna see you too.....*Hmmmm ok well Friday rolls around, Oh ok now Chase wants to go to Larry's with Jordan, but he doesn't tell me that, I find out from Jena because she talked tO Jordan because I TRIED to call Chase but he left me on hold and never fucking called me back. Oh about 1 or so they decide to call us and meet us at some place in town, they're pissed off at us because we went to Blake's house though- FUck what the hell else would we do, no one in that town likes us.....they are our FRIENDS, and we asked YOU guys to hang out with us first but obviously things were more important. That's a bunch of bullshit. But I told CHase we were at Jena's cousins.....which we had really gone to her cousins earlier but she wasn't home and I was just trying to save Jena's ass because she fucking told Jordan that earlier, but then she calls Jordan back from MY phone to tell him we're at Blakes & Chase gets mad b/c I lied...but he was at fucking Larry's with his DISGUSTING ex girlfriend Mandie so what difference does it make? And then Jordan wants to bring up shit about me lying to Chase while we're in the car like it bothered him more than it bothered Chase, so I cussed Jordan out because it pissed me off that he was getting in my business and popping off to me about stuff when he didn't know what the hell he was talking about. Well I think everything's ok but Saturday comes & I call Chase when I get up because he TOLD ME TO, and he lets me go & says he'll call me back like as soon as we got on the phone but he never does, and that pissed me off so I didn't call him when we got in town but he called me.....and bitched me out for riding around with our FRIENDS, and for hanging out with Blake and Michael again=BULLSHIT. Then he calls and asks if we can bring him his wallet....but he walks to the bank by his house so his mom doesn't see us and he goes to Jena's side to get the wallet....when I have it in my fucking hand so then he walks to my side and gives me a kiss and leaves without fucking saying anything-yeah how old are we again because that was really immature I didn't do anything besides not call him but I mean come on.....he wouldn't have called me back if I woulda told him that I was gonna call him back and I didn't.... he would have waited on me to call him back, he can't expect me to not worry about the way that he feels about me either, not after the shit he pulled the last time we were talking. I don't wanna call him too much because I feel like I got on his nerves but hey what can you do? This weekend was stupid we could've all just forgotten about the stupid things that made us mad, so that we could have spent time with eachother but instead everybody wanted to argue like we were in 3rd grade again. I just wanted to spend time with him and see him for longer than 30 minutes, because I really do like hanging out with him and it sucks already that I can't see him as much as I want to but now I can't see him on the weekends either because he has other things to do or we argue or Jordan's arguing with Jena. I can't wait til I get my own fucking car then I can go see him whenever I fucking feel like it & I don't have to worry about everyone else and what the hell they're doing or what they're mad about. This is driving me insane, I mean he isnt even my boyfriend, not that I don't want him to be, but I don't know what he wants from me and I can't just ask him, I just don't understand why he gets so mad at me about stuff if we're not even going out. I ALWAYS believe him when I hear shit for EVERYONE else I believe him instead because I think that I should give him the benefit of a doubt, even though I really have no reason TO believe him...I do anyway, and then he tells me in the car he just "doesn't wanna be lied to" well yeah that's understandable, but he's lied to me before too probably a lot of the times that I've believed him he's lied to me. I wish we could trust eachother maybe things wouldn't be so complicated but with the things that happened in our past I don't know if that's gonna work anytime soon-not when I constantly hear stuff about him and other girls...I don't know what I'm doing anymore either I'm so confused I care about him so much & he knows that- and I don't even have a CLUE how he feels about me. I just know that I don't wanna be made a fool out of-not again...especially with the same person in the same time the SECONd time around, everyone already thinks I'm an idiot. When all this shit was going on this weekend I just felt like I couldn't handle this anymore, I know that nothing would be worth losing him over because I know how that feels and I know how upset I was for so long....when I didn't have him anymore...regardless of who I tried to like I couldn't get over the fact that I loved Chase and there was nothing I could do about it. Then it made me feel like maybe I should just hold out and wait and see what happens because it can't be that bad. I mean this is causing me a lot of emotional pain but I think it would be worse if I didn't have him at all? I don't know, I don't know what I'm doing :( Anyway I'm gonna go take a batH! -PeaCe BlUrTy! ((//||\\))
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Tuesday, April 27th, 2004

Subject:*LaLaLa*
Time:3:20 pm.
Mood: horny.
Music:haha not really-but umm-Until The Day I Die-StoryOfTheYear.
Well things have been extremely good for me lately.....actually its kinda been in between because I still feel like there are lotsa things I should be upset about for some reason I'm like really happy!! Because I took my test and passed it with an above average score....& then I they called & told me that my test scores were so high that I could easily get a scholarship to a local university. Hm....and then me & Chase are like....wonderful. We talk to eachother everyday, and we see eachother as much as we can, & I haven't been happier about a guy in I don't know how long! I guess because he's really the only one I've wanted for so long, and I love em! But then prom is this weekend and I really DONT feel like going, I mean JOhn's like one of my best friends and I know I'll have fun with him but I don't feel like seeing all those people that hate me & that I hate. I just think it's gonna be miserable because its gonna make me think about how mean they were to me and stuff. I don't understand girls anyway I mean half of the ones that don't like me from that school don't even know me so I'm not too worried about it! But oh well...and I know I'm gonna be thinkin about Chase the whole nite, because I would have been kinda jealous if he would have gone to Sequatchie's prom with someone. Even though he got asked, he didn't go...he hung out with me that nite :) but yah, I just wish I could see him afterwards...b/c I was thinkin, I could tell my mom to not give me a curfew, so that way I could stay out late, and then tell everyone that I did have a curfew....but then again I don't have a car so I couldnt go see him afterwards, I'd have to have a way over there & he'd have to be with Jordan in order for me to be able to see him b/c he can't stay out really late anyway if he stays @ his house. Hmm.....Maybe I'll figure something out! I just want him to see me in my dress hehe.....I really wanted to take him I was gonna ask him to go with me but then all that bullshit happened between us, and then all that OTHER bullshit happened at school-so I dunno....I wish I could have taken him though that would've been off the chain! :) But anyway, I gotta go runnin because I'm still a fatty! lol.....but i have been eating 1/2 of what I usually eat & I'm down to 90 somethin! anyway.....tooooooodles!!!
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Friday, April 16th, 2004

Subject:If youre lost u can look & you will find me...*
Time:2:24 pm.
Mood: anxious.
Music:Time After Time-Cindi Lauper.
Alrighty lastnight we go to Dunlap & I mean yah of course I wanted to see Chase but I didn't call him or anything because the last time we were dating he never answered his phone when I tried to call him and he never returned my calls so I didn't wanna get on his nerves again. I mean what am I suppose to think? He can't blame me for being worried about that whenever he told me that he didn't like me anymore. I mean why else would you just stop liking someone that had to do something to bother you or make you change your mind. So I figured I got on his nerves and I didn't wanna make that mistake again, so I didn't call him. I sent him a text message and told him that we were in town though so that hasta count for somethin right? Well obviously not because he sent me one back asking me why I didn't call him when I knew we were comin over there & all this stuff and then he was like "well you just must not wanna see me then" and he always says that I mean I always want to see him he should know that by now but he can't get mad at me whenever I have all this shit in the back of my mind. So yah, Jena was suppose to see Jordan anyway but he took forever so he calls like 30 minutes before we have to be home, which is when we shoulda been leaving to make it home in time and tells us to meet him! So we did, and Chase was with him but he was being really sweet.....I love him :) heh but ya he was like " it just made me mad because you never call me Kristen and I just thought you didn't wanna see me" and I was like omg no I always wanna see you then I explained to him why I didn't call him as much and all that, and he was like well it's ok but you can't keep bringing up stuff from the past that's not gonna work, he was like we're not broken up anymore and we're on good terms now so lets just do things over. So I mean I don't know what thats suppose to make me think? I don't know if I'm suppose to think that he wants something with me, or that we are something we just don't have a title or whatever....or what?! IIIIIII!!! this is so fucking confusing! I just wanna be with him......or something I don't know what to do though. I dont know if I should wait and see what happens, or go along with everything and not worry about it, and try to date other people too or if I should just ask him and try to talk to him about it & give him an ultimatum??? I was reading my diary from a while back and it sounds so stupid and confusing lol which is probably what a lot of these entries sound like too! Hmm.....does that mean I'm stupid and confusing? :( probably haha...anyway I gotta go clean! Of course, I can't go a day without it!! You know! -Peace Out my Nizzles-((//||\\))
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Thursday, April 15th, 2004

Subject:*He loves me......He loves me not*
Time:5:27 pm.
Mood: cheerful.
Music:Ludacris-The 3some song?-It's keY!:)*.
YAY! Welp ok, he never called me back lastnight, and then you ask why am I so happy? Because he called me this mornin at 7 before he left for school JUST to tell me he was sorry for not calling me back lastnight! His friend Curt lives next door, and he was over there playing some basketball video game with Chase, and Chase said he'd call me back after Curt left. But he fell asleep before Curt left so he didn't call me back! But I mean he was sleepy he had weight lifting after school and then he came to Chattanooga w/Jordan to see me & Jena, and he had gotten up really early, then we rode 4wheelers before he went home, so I'm sure he was exhausted. It just made me happy that he atleast cared enough to call this morning of all times, lol even though it woke me up I didn't care! He was like "Kristen?...Whatchu doin? I was like uh sleeping lol he was like oh I woke you up didn't I? and I was like yah, but it's ok....(Because I like getting phone calls from him) *:) but then he was like well I just wanted to call you before I went to school & tell you that I'm sorry for not calling lastnight but I fell asleep! I just didn't want you to think I didn't wanna talk to you" It was soo sweet lol and cute how he did it!! I was like aww it's ok! I stayed up and waited though, and he was like well I'm really sorry I really did wanna talk to you! He was like but go back to bed I hafta go get ready for school....I was like well call me later & have fun at school & he told me to sleep good :) Ahhhhh the impact that boy has on me drives me insane! I'm also excited because tonight Jena said that she wanted to go to Dunlap, and I don't have anything else to do, so I'm getting gas money from my mom & we're gonna go over there and see what's going on! I have no idea what we'll do-I really wanna see Chase again but I don't know, I just hope we don't go sit somewhere because I don't wanna just go hang out at her cousins all night. We do that a lot and sometimes I'm in the mood for it but whenever I get dressed up or I've been at my house for a long time I really hate sitting around! I dunno why...we should atleast ride around or something I mean hell I'm givin her gas money! I had to say that we were going to eat though so I could get money because my mom doesn't like Dunlap too much. She didn't like the fact that I watched a movie with Chase lastnight either just because of the way he use to treat me. She thinks he's bad news-haha! She was just tellin me that I'm dumb but I really do think he's changed, or atleast I mean I hope he has. He was acting a lot different lastnight though, he's never affectionate or well he never has been before. But he was being really affectionate lastnight and he told me to call him and all that, and he just acts different around me now. Even when we were dating before, I didn't talk to him everynight. I hardly ever talked to him & I probably wouldn't have even talked to him as much as I did if it weren't for Jena & Jordan seeing eachother all the time. Because Chase was always with Jordan! But I think this summer is gonna be a lot better! I hope so anyway, I hope he doesn't make a fool out of me again because I don't know if I can handle that!! Aww I love him so much :) he has a way with me :) anyway, I gotta go take a bath now & put my Crest Whitestrips in before Jena calls & says she's on her way cause heaven forbid me not be ready 2 leave!! Luvies*~*
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Subject:Confusion.....Blah Blah Blah
Time:1:17 am.
Mood: aggravated.
Music:Never had a dream come true-SClub7~haha goin oldskool!.
Ok welllllllll.......to start my day off, me & David got into it BIG TIME. Over Chase-It's none of his business though I love Chase now-Not him, I mean that sounds bad but I can't help how I feel. He hurt me way too bad and I've tried to be his friend but I'm over him, I've been over him for a long time now & I honestly don't care about him anymore like that. He's one of my like best friends, but thats all. It was FOREVER ago, a year ago to be exact, since all that b/s & he made me MISERABLE anyway so I deserve to be happy & Chase is who I want to be happy with he does a good job @ making me happy anywaY:) But yah, enough of that, I don't know I don't really understand myself but tonite Chase & Jordan came over to Jena's and we watched this really stupid movie. It pissed me off because it was a really gay movie and Jena picked it out but I paid for it and it sucked balls. Haha oh well, Chase was being really nice though :) he's so cute! hehe...then we went to this place by my house & parked! It was fun! Even though it was a cemetary! but it was cool lol, I kept freakin out! AH I love him so much!! He's adorable!! He kissed me a bunch too before he left it was sweet, he kissed me like 5 times-but it was really weird because that song The Reason by Hoobastank was playin on the radio & before that it was the GooGooDolls-Here is Gone. So it was a lil' awkward but oh well, I talked to him earlier & he told me he'd call me back....but he's yet to do so so I'm starting to wonder if he's had too much of me. I can't help but to think that something like that's going on because of what he did to me last time. I always worry about stuff I guess. And then DJ called me tonite and was bein real cool! He's always fun to talk to & we talked for a while, he knows how I feel and everything & it's kinda weird especially after Friday at the campsite when we hung out drunK! & he was all talkin about his g/f like he hated her....even tonite he called her a dumb bitch and said he didnt wanna hang out with her Friday after their prom, any longer than he had to, sooooo hmm......boys are so confusing. I just wish Chase would fucking call so I would quit thinkin about all this shit I love talkin to him :)....Im gonna get off line I guess now because I can't miss his call!! Aw I love my Charlie :) haha...Bye BYe Blurty I'm sure I'll have a story to write about later pending on whether or not he calls!! Wish me luck! :)

*Everybody's got something they had to leave behind
Only from yesterday that just seems to grow with time
Theres no use lookin back or wondering, how it could be now or might've been
All this I know but still I can't find ways to let you go-

I never had a dream come true
Til the day that I found you
Even though I pretend that I've moved on you'll always be my baby
I never found the words to say youre the one I think about each day
& I know no matter where life takes me to apart of me will always be with you

Somewhere in my memory
I've lost all sense of time....
And tomorrow can never be because yesterday is all that fills my mind
Theres no use lookin back or wonderin how it should be now or might've been
All this I know but still I can't find ways to let you go

I never had a dream come tru til the day that I found you
Even though I pretned that I've moved on you'll always be my baby
I never found the words to say, you're the one I think about each day
And I kno no matter where life takes me to apart of me will always be with you

Youll always be the dream that fills my head, yes you will say you will I know you will baby
You'll always be the one I kno I'll never forget
Theres no use lookin back or wonderin, because love is a strange and funny thing
No matter how I try & try I just can't say goodbye...Never had a dream come true
Til the day that I found you, And even though I pretend that I've moved on you'll always be my baby
I never found the words to say you're the one I think about each day & I know no matter where life takes me to apart of me will always be.....apart of me will always be with you.....*
--I love you Chase :D
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Wednesday, April 14th, 2004

Subject:Maybe I should hate you for this......
Time:3:51 pm.
Mood: depressed.
Music:Poetic Tragedy-The Used.
Ok well it's no surprise that everyone knows about the whole T.A. situation, but I honestly can't do anything about it. I don't understand any of this I'm so confused. Chase calls me everynight, just if it's to tell me goodnight he atleast calls me, and it makes me think he likes me again. He gets jealous, which makes me think he cares. But then again I have all these doubts because of what happened the last time. He drives me insane....Sure that shit with T.A. did happen, and yah I never apologized for it because I didn't think that I needed to. No one really knows my side of things. Everyone in that town hates me anyway & it's STUPID because NONE of those people know me. The ONLY people that actually "know" me...are the people that we hang out with. Like Chase, Jordan, Blake, DJ & Aaron! The rest can suck my non exsistent penis. Honestly, how can you hate someone if you've never even tried to get to know them. Or better yet, if you've ever even SPOKEN to them. People are so stupid but it's not like I can do anything about it, so instead I just stopped caring. I mean what else can I do? I can't go around and apologize to people for something I've NEVER done to them...and ask them if they like me or not, and why. I can't try to fix that, not when there are THAT many people altogether that dislike me for no reason at all. Besides the fact that I dress different than they do, and I come hang out in a place that I'm not from because I actually do have SOME friends that live there. Despite what they may think, I care about Chase more than anybody will ever know & I don't have to justify myself to any of those people. I just don't get it though because I try to be nice to everyone, I don't even think I can be mean to half of the people that are mean to me, just because that's not how I am or what I was taught. I dont know.....I don't know what to do anymore. I dont know if I should try talking to Chase about it or just let things go..but this whole thing of him getting mad and stuff is gonna have to stop if he doesn't want anything with me, because it just gets my hopes up. And I just found out yesterday that my dad stole money out of my savings account, so there goes my money for school.....and my new car.......and my other beauty pageant fees. I don't know how I'm gonna get the money for all this stuff because I was planning on going back to school next fall to major in the medical field. And I was gonna go to cosmetology school too just to get a degree to fall back on. So thats about 10 thousand dollars needed right there, and there's no tellin how much I need for my car, or my pageants. I have a pageant in June and the sponsorship fee alone is 500 dollars.....and if I win state then the sponsorship fee for nationals is almost 1,000....Which that is a sponsorship fee & I can get sponsors but thats just to enter, I have to buy stage makeup, and costumes, gowns, swimsuits & suits & jewelry.....not to mention the pictures & videos...Ugh I don't know I'm so depressed right now I don't know what to do. And Jena's sister tells us yesterday that people in Dunlap say we have a bad reputation. That just really hurt my feelings for some reason. I mean yeah to a certain extent you should care about what people say & think of you, but not when you can't do anything about it or when they dislike you for no reason at all. That's just bullshit. There were what about 2,500 people at Soddy, and I had like a handful of enemies & they disliked me for reasons.....some were stupid reasons but atleast they had reasons because I've grown up with half of these people, they know me...they've known me forever. OUt of all those people, only a couple disliked me, I've NEVER had a bad rep though. I'm not use to that, I've never done anything to get a bad rep, not even to anyone in Dunlap. Shit, I've never done anything to anyone in Dunlap period. But for some strange reason everyone likes to talk about me & Jena. This all started with my pageants. Everyone started disliking me during all this Miss Teen Tennessee stuff...I don't let it go to my head though I'm still the same person I've always been I could care less what title I have. I had a good reputation at Soddy, people liked me for who I was and I didnt have to try to be someone I wasn't. I don't know why I ever left, I miss school so much. The girls in my grade don't like me anymore & I'm sure theyre happy I'm gone but I could really care less about that. It's better than having a whole town hate you for something you didn't do. I know I screwed things up by the whole Thomas thing, but no one knows how I felt....or why I did that. I had perfectly good reasons as to why I chose to do what I did & quite frankly it was none of anyone's business to begin with so if they dislike me for that then fuck em. I can't figure this out I guess I'll never be able to, just like I'll never be able to understand Chase. I know I hurt him but I NEVER intended on doing that, I honestly thought he didn't care. I mean that's what he said, right? I didn't like you in the first place, well except in the beginning but I continued to date you anyway for 3 months after I KNEW I didn't like you, just so you could start to care about me and might I add I did a really good job of pretending to be interested in someone. Hmm.....sound familiar? Yah if I do recall he said that to me, so what was I suppose to think? I had no idea that any of that would bother him because if I woulda known then I would've NEVER done it to begin with because that's the one thing, if any, that I would take back if I could. Is all that shit that happened...All I've wanted since I met Chase was him...his time & attention. And I feel like I've just totally screwed things up forever and completely destroyed any chance I ever had with getting what I wanted because of my stupidity. Of course he can't be mad at Thomas though, no this all falls back on me because I'm the girl, & that's his friend. I love him though & I'm willing to do anything to make him understand that I truly am sorry for all of that & I can't undo the past but I can make up for it and forget about it and start over. I wanna apologize for everything I just don't know where to begin. But I have to go I've pissed myself off again so I need to go run to relieve some stress......Later Blurty*
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Monday, April 12th, 2004

Subject:*-*Ohmigosh*-*
Time:3:46 pm.
Mood: worried.
Music:Paint me a Birmingham-Tracy Lawrence.
YAY! I'm so happy today.....well I mean I've been happy for quite sometime now! I hate rainy days though :( And I still hafta clean my house, and my bedroom-so that sucks.....But I'm still in a good mood altogether. I've been thinkin about this whole situation that I'm in because I really don't know what to do. I just know that HE makes me feel so incredibly GOOD. I love loving him, but then there's this other part of me that's freaking out because I don't know if he feels the same way that I do. I know his parents don't like me. They haven't from day 1...but ok they've met me what twice? Yah I think that's it, his mom didn't even like me before she met me because she knew that I was older than him so I never had a chance lol. Hmm and then his sister doesn't like me but I don't really care about that either because she doesn't really know me that well, she just knows what people have said about me and a lot of people in that town dislike me so I can't do anything about that. I dunno like ok Friday night he calls me....and we're at the camp site with Blake & DJ & Jesse & Aaron & Michael & all them......and he was like realllly pissy because I was there with them, but he wanted to see me so he asked if me & Jen wanted to come to Jordan's, so after we left we went and hung out with them at Jordan's for a while...And Me & him fell asleep watchin Dexters Laboratory haha! But like he calls me all the time, almost everyday, even if it's just to tell me goodnight. And he gets mad at me for hanging out with other guys even though we're not really anything, but it makes me think that he actually does care about me, so I'm scared because I don't want all this shit to happen again and me start thinking that he likes me again when it's just a big misunderstanding. I'm so confused because I really do wanna think that he likes me but at the same time I don't wanna get my hopes up. I just don't understand why he says stuff to me about other guys, and why he gets mad if I don't get to see him or don't answer my phone....I just wanna tell him how I feel but I don't know how and I don't know what to say :(.....I gotta go to the Tannin bed though & I hafta get to cleanin :(....Comments anyone? I love you blurty!
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Wednesday, April 7th, 2004

Subject:I LOVE YOU!!
Time:2:01 pm.
Mood: bouncy.
Music:You're so last summer-Taking Back Sunday.
She said don't----
Don't let it go to your head
Boys like you are a dime a dozen, boys like you are a dime a dozen
She said---
Your touch overrated your lush, & I hate it but these gut stains on my knees-
they won't mean a thing

& all I.....(All I)
Need to know....Is that something else is missing
Maybe I should hate you for this, never really did ever quite get that
Maybe I should hate you for this, never really did ever quite get that

I'd never lie to you....
Unless I had to I'll do what I got to, 'less I had to I'll do what I go to, the truth-
Is you could slit my throat, & with my 1 last gasping breath I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt...

& all I....(All I)
Need to know.....Is that something else is missing
Maybe I should hate you for this, never really did ever quite get that
Maybe I should hate you for this, never really did ever quite get that...
Cause I'm a wishful thinker with the worst intentions, I'm a wishful thinker with the worst intentions....
(...Hate you for this..Hate you for this...)

If I'm just bad news then you're a liar...If I'm just bad news then you're a liar.....Hate you for this....Hate you for this.............*


Yay! I'm so happy!! I love him & I never expected things to be so good between us again!-This week is gonna be the Shizzzzzzle!*
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Blurty for *.:.*BeautyQueenBaby01*.:.*.

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