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[30 Nov 2009|05:49pm] |
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mood |
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 hopeful |
] |
good love is on the way
i've been lonely, but i know i'll be okay.
good love is on the way.
i love hopeful songs.
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[05 Nov 2009|12:55am] |
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music |
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death cab for cutie. |
] |
bleck.
i would love to know some things. i would love to know how people work, what brings them to how they are currently. i would love to know why i'm where i am today. i would love to know what made me choose marist college over any other college, and what made me become friends with the people i became friends with as opposed to other people. i would love to know why 17 out of 25 people in my psych class said that they would abort their baby if they were a high school senior who got pregnant. i would love to know why the world sucks, and why people do bad things, and why people die for no reason.
anyway, i've been in a weird funk lately. i don't know what's up with me. working out has helped, i've been getting stress out that way. i'm stressed out with school work, i'm going to australia in a few months, how weird is that? and that scares me. is everyone going to forget about me by the time i get home? will i keep in touch with matt? with mike? with nicole? with danielle and kati? bleh. is it bad that i'm going to be missing out on a semester here at marist?
i feel like i have been trying so hard, and i'm so sick of it. i try so hard to mold myself into what you're looking in a girl, and i'm done with it. because i have no idea what that possibly is anymore. and i don't think you know either. i think you are an idiot. wake up and realize that if you keep pushing away anyone that tries to get close to you, you will end up alone.
i am bitter.
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[17 Jun 2009|01:37am] |
There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it.
-George Bernard Shaw.
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[30 Mar 2009|12:40am] |
One drink to remember,
And another to forget.
How could I ever dream to find a love like this again?
One drink to remember, another to forget...
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[29 Mar 2009|11:58pm] |
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i want to be in love.
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[09 Mar 2009|09:57pm] |
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mood |
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 sad |
] |
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music |
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a fine frenzy- almost lover |
] |
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
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[26 Feb 2009|03:35pm] |
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mood |
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 aggravated |
] |
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music |
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india.arie |
] |
I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
And the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work they put between us,
You know it doesn't keep us warm
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[11 Jan 2009|02:52am] |
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i just wish people would stop. stop being immature, stop talking about me behind my back, stop obsessing with the past. i really do. this is why i hate franklin square so much and why i can't wait to be far far away at school again.
if you're reading this.. and i think you know who you are, i apologize for the bitchiness, and i understand what it's like to want to know everything there is to know about your boyfriend's ex girlfriends', but you took it too far. and i honestly feel like you violated my privacy. so that is why i got so distraught about it..and i really think you need to just let it go. i have not talked to him since the day that i picked up my stuff from his house, i am not a threat, i am over it, i am not trying to win him back or sabotage your relationship in any way shape or form. so do yourself and me a favor and just drop it. be secure enough in your relationship and please just leave me alone. i honestly would appreciate it and i hope you understand where i'm coming from..
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[08 Dec 2008|09:02pm] |
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mood |
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 blah |
] |
| [ |
music |
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john mayer |
] |
Sometimes, I wish that I was the weather
You'd bring me up in conversation forever
And when it rained, I'd be the talk of the day
Oh, sometimes I wish that I was a cold beer
I'd rest assured that you would hold me near
I'd be guaranteed to be just what you need
And there could be no other way, 'cause you're so, you're so lame
Your tired words are all, they're all the same
Yeah I would walk and I'd surely walk away
If I wasn't such a sucker for you
Sometimes, I wish that I was a bong hit
You'd let me in and you would love every minute
And tell the room the things I did to you...
I see your world with rosey-colored glasses on
Wanna right what I see wrong
I could never have that power over you
Someday, I'm gonna pack up and leave this town
I'm gonna get my own things goin' on
And when I do, I'll forget
I'll forget
I'll forget about how, how you're so, you're so lame
Your tired words are all, your tired words are all the same
And I would walk you know I'd, I'd walk away
If I wasn't such a sucker for you
I wasn't such a sucker for you
I wasn't such a sucker for you
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[25 Jul 2008|05:31pm] |
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mood |
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blah |
] |
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music |
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savage garden. yes. |
] |
here I go again,
I promised myself I wouldn't think of you today
it's been seven months and counting
you've moved on
I still feel exactly the same
it's just that everywhere I go all the buildings know your name
like photographs and memories of love
steel and granite reminders
the city calls your name and I can't move on..
ever since you've been gone
the lights go out the same
the only difference is
you call another name
to your love
to your lover now
to your love
the lover after me.
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[22 May 2008|12:13am] |
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mood |
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sad |
] |
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music |
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augustana- rest, love, shame |
] |
if you can love babe, then you can hurt
take the good times with the worst...
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[20 May 2008|02:16am] |
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mood |
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aggravated |
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music |
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the honorary title- even if |
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Doesn't seem that selfish
No, not in the least.
What's so self righteous about this curiosity,
This want for a meager exchange?
So much time has passed, but still, it remains.
This need for you is a recurring theme in my life
Don't you think I'm lonely,
Eager to complete the story?
Confused and still haunted with why you'd start over
Oh, and ignore me?
.....
I want nothing more than to catch your eye
Would you be impressed with how far I've climbed
Without your assistance?
With you nowhere in sight?
something doesn't feel quite right..
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[02 Mar 2008|11:06pm] |
look at me, what do you see?
another distant memory?
another name that's on your list?
another face that you won't miss?
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[14 Feb 2008|10:18pm] |
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mood |
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 crappy |
] |
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music |
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kendall payne- scratch |
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a year ago today i took off of school and traveled in a blizzard 45 minutes to come to your grandmother's funeral. and i sat with you in the first row of the church with you, your parents, your grandpa and your brother. i spent my valentine's day with you comforting you over your loss.
funny how much changes in a year ?
wonder what will be happening on this day next year..
happppy valentine's day. =(
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[10 Feb 2008|01:20pm] |
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mood |
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blah |
] |
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music |
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goo goo dolls |
] |
so. there's honestly not much to say. school is just as horrendous as ever.. and it's not gonna get better. so now it's just a matter of getting through each day until may 13th or whatever day our last comp is.
this weekend was.. interesting. pretty good. i think my weekend's are gonna start getting better now that kristen's single haha. as stupid as that sounds. if she stays single. i need that single friend to go out with on the weekends..
if break wasn't next week, i don't know what i'd do. hopefully it'll be fun too. i have spice girls that monday with lauren, lauren buckley, jessie, and christine. that's gonna be a lot of fun i think. then i might go skiing with kristen now later in the week? who knows. i still wanna do a city day that week but that probably won't happen. we'll seeeee.
rip<3
one year. i only met you once but i know for a fact you had an impact on many people's lives, especially your family's. they miss you a lot, look after them. look out for edward and nick. praying for you constantly.
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[20 Jan 2008|08:46pm] |
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music |
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south- paint the silence |
] |
this entry is going to be filled with a lot of complaining. so if you don't want to read it, don't. stop here.
it's 8:46 on friday and i'm sitting home, don't get me wrong..this is not a surprising fact. it's pretty normal now. but lately i've been thinking, have i really lost all of my friends? or is it that they were never actually here to begin with. i mean sure "here" in the sense that they're in the background. hang out occasionally. but were they ever REALLY here? or did i just think they were, since i was so distracted with eddie for that year and a half? and now that he's out of the way, the fact that they're not here is dawning on me? i really don't know. it's kind of bothering me. i've never felt absolutely alone before in my entire life. not like now. never. and it's really not fun. it's basically the worst feeling ever..and i don't know what to do to get out of it.
i absolutely hate high school. like i'm obviously not susie high school. and i never wanted to be nor ever would be. but even so, i never thought i would actually despise high school. and i do. i can't help but feel like i did the whole high school experience wrong. like everything. i wish i could go back and do things differently. but you can't live like that. i wish i could go back and do a lot of things differently. oh well. 4 months and it's all over. idk what i'm gonna do. out of every single year of school that i've gone through..st. catherine's, everything. this year, my senior year in high school, is by far the most torturous for me. i've never dreaded waking up and going to school more in my entire life. it's actually a struggle for me to get through the day. it's literally unbelievable. sometimes in the hallway i'll just look around at all the faces of these people who i don't even know and feel so alone. the few familiar faces i see aren't even that important to me anymore. and then there's eddie. i see him and i honestly just melt. idk what to do with myself when i see him. part of me gets automatically so angry at him. part of me gets extremely sad and just breaks down. part of me feels relieved, knowing that i don't have to put up with some of the stupid shit he used to do when we were together, and i don't have to put up with the things he used to call me..etc. and part of me gets so so so incredibly nostalgic. cause as alone as i mightve been friend wise when i was with edward, i never truly felt it. because he was enough for me. and i can't help but think that it's incredibly unfair that he was able to snap back into things so easily and had his single friends waiting for him to hang out on the weekends, and that i'm stuck like this. sitting home almost every night of the weekend. desperately asking people to hang out like a fucking pathetic person. and having honestly no one to confide in. it is unfair, isn't it?
i wish lauren was home. i like being home alone, but i have to be in a good mood. otherwise its just depressing. idk if that makes sense. it does to me. i wanna just drive to fairfield right now. i'm so tempted to.
until we meet again...
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[01 Jan 2008|03:38pm] |
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mood |
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hopeful |
] |
STARTING ANEW.
this is it, the second half of 2007 sucked balls and i'm ready for it to be overwith.
rip 2007, you started off good.
2008 is my graduation year. scary no? in 5 months its all done with. 5 months from today is graduation. and then what's gonna happen? who am i gonna keep in touch with?
i'm gonna make GOOD decisions this year. definitely. and fuck the drama, i can feel it already seeping in this year and it's only 3:45 on january 1st. no fun. i wanna meet someone who i'm just gonna have a good time with. someone who will enjoy my company as much as i enjoy theirs. and if not, then whatever, i'll have to make do with what i have. but i CAN be alone. i can do it.
to everyone who i spent 2007 with. the people i became close with. the people i lost touch with. the people who changed my life. all of you, thanks. but i'm putting it all behind me. whoever wants to be close with me in 2008 can and if you don't, then drop it and move on. YOU know what i mean. let's make this a good one no?
EMOTIONAL CLEANSING.
=/
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| wedding song. |
[27 Dec 2007|05:40pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 nostalgic |
] |
| [ |
music |
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coheed and cambria- wake up |
] |
I'm going to ride this plane out of your life again.
I wish that I could stay, but you argue.
more than this, I wish you could've seen my face
in backseat staring out the window.
I'll do anything for you,
kill anyone for you.
so leave yourself intact
'cause I will be coming back.
in a phrase to cut these lips,
I love you.
the morning will come
in the press of every kiss
with your head upon my chest
where I will annoy you
with every waking breath
until you decide to wake up.
I've earned through hope and faith
the curves around your face
that I'm the one you'll hold forever.
if morning never comes for either one of us,
then this I pray to you wherever.
I'll do anything for you.
this story is for you.
('cause I'd do anything you want me to... for you.)
I'll do anything for you,
kill anyone for you.
so leave yourself intact
'cause I won't be coming back.
in a phrase to cut these lips,
I loved you.
the morning will come
in the press of every kiss
with your head upon my chest
where I will annoy you
with every waking breath
until you decide to wake up.
the morning will come
in the press of every kiss
with your head upon my chest
where I will annoy you
with every waking breath
'til you decide to wake up.
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[13 Dec 2007|06:49pm] |
so i'm at the christmas party in my grandma's nursing home the other day. my grandma, who has alzheimers and doesn't know what's going on half the time grabs my grandpa's hand, brings it up to her mouth and kisses it, and then continues to hold it. and it all dawns on me. all this stupid, high school drama will mean absolutely nothing in a few years. not even a few years, in a few months. but point is, none of these things matter. maybe in the moment it seems unbearable and so ridiculously important. but in the long run, i want to marry someone who's gonna stick with me through everything for 60 years. and who's gonna wheel me around the nursing home, and feed me and take care of me when i'm not able to do it myself.
just a thought.
doesn't go to say that i won't remember a handful of people from high school, because i will. definitely.
a few of you have affected me significantly. and a few of you have a permanent space in my heart. especially one of you. ukwur.
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[28 Nov 2007|08:02pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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liberated |
] |
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music |
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valencia- away we go |
] |
so i'm in a STRANGELY good mood today. so i'm really enjoying it while it lasts. hopefully its not just like a one day thing. we'll see..
and away we go
and I hope that you know
that one day, we will all be alone
holding onto broken hearts
memories are what's left of us
you're trying too hard to be my friend
and I'm placing all our pictures
in these broken frames to remind me never fall in love again
"I'm sorry" wont cut it for the rest of your life
get over yourself and say goodbye
I hope you realize you threw away the best thing that ever happened to you
forget my name and forget my face,
hope you get on a plane and forget this place
so I never have to deal with you again
=)
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