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Tuesday, April 22nd, 2003
10:00 pm - its so us........
If you’re not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you’re not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don’t need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don’t need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you’re not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you’re not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don’t know why you’re so far away
But I know that this much is true
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you’re the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

-daniel bedingfield

current mood: crushed
current music: "Your not the one" - Daniel Bedingfield

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9:37 pm
lilacpandas: me and bean had a fight
lilacpandas: he scares me sometimes
lilacpandas: i told him not to use my phone cuz he was calling long distance
lilacpandas: he fucking throws the phone across the room like he's having a lil tantrum
lilacpandas: then we were pissed at each other the whole time he was on the phone
lilacpandas: he goes to leave
lilacpandas: fucking slams the door so hard my mom comes running asking what the fuck is going on
lilacpandas: pushes me out of the way as he comes back in because he forgot his keys
lilacpandas: im just crushed
lilacpandas: all we do is fight
lilacpandas: i do love him

current mood: crushed

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Monday, April 21st, 2003
10:25 pm - *sniffle*
me and bean had another fight. surprise, surprise. its all we do anymore. why? why can't we just love each other? lif's too short for this shit. we both love each other more than anything. why the fuck can't we be happy??????????????? why do we always hurt each other??????? why can't we both just calm the fuck down about things?????????????????
i hate this feeling, a combination of guilt, sadness, lonliness, and heart ache.

*prays* just let us make it thru all this.....please

current mood: melancholy
current music: The Used -The Taste of Ink

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Saturday, April 19th, 2003
3:34 pm - :)
well, i havent written in a while, so here goes....

no much has been going on really.
tommorrow is Easter! :) yay.

i have to babysit jared tonight. bean doesnt wana go ith me. which i undertand...i dunno, i dont think he really likes kids...i guess if i had 5 other brothers and sisters, i wouldnt like them much either.

shawn stopped by today. i woke up and he was out on the back porch talkin to dad. i'm glad theye okay now...it as the answer to my prayers.

well im gunna go fix us sumpin to eat

later cocksniffers

current mood: bitchy
current music: the sound of bean playing Bond on N64

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Wednesday, April 16th, 2003
1:24 pm - boo hiss
School sucked today!! I had a bio test an abnormal psyc test. i did horible on bio. i think did pretty damn ood on the abnormal psyc tho. *hopefully* i don't even understand why i have to take bio for my major...it makes no sense. but alot of things dont. i'm in that class with like all nursing majors......i wouldnt think i would have to take it for Mental Health Technology....

So i came home today and the water was acting weird, it was real slow comming out..i went and flused the toilet to see what it would do....and it was weird as hell acting...i dunno what the fuck is up with it.........

American Idol is on tonight!!!!! Yay!!! I recntly realized how addicted i am to reality tv. i love american idol, survivor, the bachelor, real world, road rules, big brother, all that shit. i eve found myself watching the last episode of "married by america" its just funny to see how pathtic people can be... i guess that makes me pathetic for watching :)

time to go clean, later kiddos

current mood: blank
current music: "Piano Man" - Billy Joel

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Monday, April 14th, 2003
10:49 pm - hurt.......
why hasnt he called yet? he always calls me after we get in fights... i don't know... he wa so mad at me when he left...he looked like he could have smacked me. i know he wouldnt. but he just looked like he wanted to.
all i wanted was to spend more time with him...he was on this stupid computer for 5 hrs today... i just love him...is that enough? we can't go on fighting like this...day after day. i look over by my bed, there are his workboots...i look all around the room, pictures of our happiness smother me.... are we going to make it? are we going to be happy? i hope so, i REALLY hope so.... i truely pray that "all you need is love" i love you bean, always have, always will

current mood: morose
current music: "Running" - No Doubt

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Sunday, April 13th, 2003
3:10 pm - sleepy sunday...
i've had a pretty good weekend. friday i hung out with amy...i went shopping with her, it was fun. :) saturday me and mom went shopping, i had seen these shoes i wanted when i was with amo, but of course, i'm broke, so mom bought em for me. (i know, im a loser) then sat night me and beaners went with amo to get a dvd/vcr combo for her room. and of course, today is sunday, so the whole family went down to granny's for sunday dinner. :) it was a nice day :) lil jared and clayton were there, theyre such a cute kids. i want jared to be my ring bearer when i get married, he adorable, and he should be like 2 or 3 by then, so he would have a clue what he was doing and stuff.
speaking of weddings....bean made me cry yesterday. it was a bittersweet cry. he told me a way he wanted to propose, but it sucks because he told me, so now he can't do it cuz i'll know!!!! it was a perfect proposal. he said he just said it off the top of his head...so i'm hoping theres more good stuff where that came from :0)
****i love you sweetcheeks*****

gunna go watch Unfaithful and White Oleander....dunno which first.......

later kiddos

current mood: chipper
current music: Sweet Novemeber Soundtrack

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Thursday, April 10th, 2003
10:14 pm - quiz time!

You're the good girl from your small home town. You
are loving, caring, and a downright good
person. Sometimes a bit kooky, and you have the
spirit of a child. You may not be all that
smart, but you are one of the most nice and
kind people anyone can ever know.


Which one of the Golden Girls are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

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12:00 pm - sisters...
well i was in a pretty good mood until i came home from school today @ 11. there were 4 messages on my answering machine. i'm like, ok, who the hell would call me b4 noon! everyone knows i'm either @ school or sleeping then. then i play them...it's my half sister shannon. i haven't really spoken to her in years. her and my parnt never talk. my mom is her step mom and my dad is her real dad. they both pretty much don't want anything to do with her for the things she's done in the past. but i think it is primarily because shes lesbo...anyway, she left me 4 messages, saying how she doesn't know why i don't like her and stuff. she was definately drunk. she tends to do this every 6 months or so... I don't know just something about it today got to me. she sounds lonely...she talked about how she just wants a sister, and a family. before i knew i was in tears. i've always wanted a sister too. someone to confide in, another best friend. i've never really had that. shawn and me were pretty close when he lived here, but since he's been moved out i see him about once a month or so.
shannon has never really done anything to me. it was always mom and dad who told me to stay away...but why?? i know she put them thru some shit when she lived here 10 or 11 years ago....but people have to forgive. i know you can never forget...but you have to move on. why hold grudges? life's too short for that shit. shawn and dad didnt talk for a year...now they're okay. i dont understand why him and shannon can't do that either. i'm tired of always feeling in the middle. shannon is a great sister to shawn. she let him stay with her and tonya for like 5 months, when he moved back up here from NC. i don't think a horrible person would be that generous....i do want a sister, and i do want people to stop hating each other for reasons they have forgotten. it's sad..........i think i will call her later today, i don't know exactly what to say...i just know i'll call...

other stuff...

i've been sick for like a week...since last friday. i'm just now starting to feel better. i still can't really taste anything and i'm coughing a lot. it's weird to be drinking mountain dew, and you know it's mountain dew, but it just tastes like water...i hate being congested...

i was hoping beaners would get off work early today but it doesn't look like he will. :( so i guess i will have to entertain myself til bout 3 o'clock. hmmmmmm maybe i'll play some James Bond on N64...or Dave Mirra on playstation....why do i like the guy games???????

we watched jackass the other day. bean made me orer it from columbia house to fufill my membership. i ordered jackass and father of the bride, i still have to order one more before June 21st. Damn bastards. stupid contracts....
jackass was pretty funny. i mean the people ar pure idiots but its funny to watch them do stupid shit. :P
beans never seen father of the bride, so i made a deal, i watch jackass, he watches father of the bride... :)

omg, speaking of weddings. i had a dream about how my proposal would be. i don't wanna even tell about it th because it was soooooooo perfect that i'm hoping he might actually do it someday... *prays*

well i think im gunna go get some grub and then play some Bond....

byebye kiddos

current mood: hungry
current music: The Way You Look Tonight - Elton John

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Wednesday, April 9th, 2003
11:00 pm - first entry...whoohoo!!!!!!!!!
Yay...it's my first entry here @ my new home on blurty. I changed from livejournal because I didn't like m user name anymore.... lol :) This is pretty much the same exact thing anyways...Its kind of nice to start fresh.

Me and Bean have been good these past few days. We were having a lot of problems these past few months...but thing are looking up. I am totally in love with him. I guess after 2 years of being together your bound to have your ups and downs. I do know I want to be with him forever...he's my baybay

Ugh, don't wanan get up @ 7 am :( College sucks sumtimes...

Gunna get ready to watch Leno...then going sleepy...nightnight guys! :)

current mood: amused

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