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My diary! [07 Sep 2006|02:55pm] [ mood | indescribable ] [ music | Incubus ] Just stumbeled across my old diary and I've decided to start updating it again seeing as I'm a totally different person now... Also I know that no one knows this exists, so I can say whatever I want and no one will know. Okay, so let's see what's different, I'm now 16 and pregnant, living with my nan and grandad cause my dad doesn't approve and kicked me out. The father of the baby was a relationship that I ended a few days ago, because I simply could not stand the guy. It was a very new relationship and I thought he was amazing in the beginning, but that ended pretty fast, but unfortunately, I got pregnant on probably the first or second time we had sex... Okay so that is over and I'm working in telesales just to try and save up money for the baby and the flat I will need to get. I'm only 9 weeks so I've got a long time to save up. I know I will be able to get all the baby things, but it's the flat and the stuff for the flat I will stuggle for. Luckily, it's Christmas before my baby comes along, so pretty much all my presents will be flat and baby related, which is helpful but also sad because I always imagined this year to be my last proper christmas, but I guess last year was and I didn't realize then. Either way I don't mind because I have another life to worry about now, and I really am worrying as well, my first scan is in 1 and a half weeks and I'm so nervous that something will be wrong with him/her. I feel better for giving up smoking though :-) I better go get ready for work, woohoo, 4 hours of sitting on my arse calling people :-) April xx post comment

bored... [19 Oct 2005|04:33pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | ezio - go ] i don't expect anyone to read this, but i'm gunna do it anyway, cause i'm bored... - Current Clothes: black zip-up hoodie, purple top, black chords, and green trainers. - Current Mood: lonely, cause i jus saw troy and realized how much i still miss him after all this time... - Current Music: ezio, i love 'em, but not many people have heard of them and their songs are really hard to find if you wanna download 'em. - Current Taste: water - Current Make Up: none. i very rarely wear make up, it ruins your skin. - Current Hair: up in a ponytail, which i did this morning so now it's all starting to fall out, but it's ok cause i'm not going out again today. - Current Smell: my brother's room... the computer is in their room now. - Current thing I ought to be doing: either cleaning or schoolwork, but i'm feeling down today so i'm probably gunna be sitting here for a few hours til dinner, then go to sleep. - Current Desktop Picture: some kind of blue, black and white vortex thing. - Current Favorite Artist: at the moment i'm quite into ezio. - Current Favorite Group: erm... ezio again. - Current Book: i'm about to start a book called 'Darker' that i got from the library earlier. - Current CD in CD Player: i don't have a cd player yet, we're still waiting for the insurance money to come. - Current tape in VCR: i don't have one of those yet either... but i do seem to remember that when the fire happened, Waynes World was in my VCR, i remember seeing it melted afterwards. - Current DVD in DVD Player: don't have one of those either! but when the fire happened, it was Dude Where's my Car? that looked really cool all melted... and it wasn't my dvd either :P - Current Color Of Toenails: toe-nail coloured, what's the point of painting my toenails when i wear shoes when i go out? - Current Refreshment: bottle of water. - Current Worry: i worry about everything. Last thing: - You Touched: my bottle of water infront of me. - You Talked to: my mum - You Hugged: mark, i don't get hugs from anyone other than him. - You Instant messaged: some boy that has added me called josh, i don't know him... - You Yelled At: louis and danielle, they were accross the road so i had to shout. - You Kissed: mark. [ FAV0RiTE .. ] - Foods: i don't have a favourite really... but i do have a weakness for crisps, especially pringles... - Drink: a few months ago it would have been whiskey, but i don't drink anymore... god i miss being drunk so much. - Color: i don't like colors, i think to make everything i own black, white or gray. - Album: i dunno... - Shoes: my green ones that i'm wearing at the moment. - Candy: sherbert :P so sweet. - Animal: my camel, Herman... unfortunalty he had to stay in egypt, my dad said he wouldn't be allowed on the plane :-( - TV Show: the simpsons, but i will usually watch whatever is on. - Song: i dunno... i like lots of songs... - Vegetable: brussels :P hmmm.... - Cartoon: the simpsons. - Flower: passion flower [ ARE Y0U .. ] - Understanding: i don't think so, i try to be but i'm pretty sure i fail miserably. - Arrogant: <> aren't you suppose to ask someone else these questions so they can answer about me? - Insecure: yes. - Interesting: apparently. - Easily Amused: yeah, but also easily bored, which is weird... - Random: not really. - Hungry: i don't really get hungry, i usually just eat out of bordem. - Friendly: i doubt it, if i was friendly, i would probably have friends... - Smart: inside i am, because i made it into a grammer school, but when it comes to putting my intellegence to paper, as in school work, i'm pretty stupid. - Moody: usually. - Childish: not very oftern... but it is fun sometimes so act childish. - Independent: pretty much. - Healthy: not at all, although i am trying to be now, drinking lots of water, eating fruit and vegetables, and going for bike rides :P woohoo, go me. - Emotionally Stable: no. - Shy: i'm easily intimidated, so if i'm with someone i don't know i go quiet. so yeah, i guess i am. - Difficult: apparently so... according to my parents an teachers. - Bored Easily: yes. - Messy: yes, but aren't all teenagers? i'm not as messy as my brothers. - Thirsty: no, i still have water left in my bottle. - Responsible: yes, much more than my brothers, even my older one. - Obsessed: with what? - Angry: not right now. i was earlier though, at southend high students. - Sad: always on the inside, sometimes on the outside. - Happy: sometimes. - Hyper: not at the moment... - Trusting: not really, i find it hard to put full trust into people. - Talkative: depends on my mood. sometimes i jus like to be on my own. HAVE Y0U EVER .. - Been kissed? yes. - Done Drugs? yes. - Eaten an entire box of Oreos? what are oreos? - Been on stage? yes. - Dumped Someone? yes. - Gotten in a car accident? no. - Been in love? i'm not sure... [ FAV0RiTE .. ] -Shampoo: TRE-semme -Toothpaste: whatever my mum buys. i'm not picky. -Soap: why would you want to know all this? -Room in your house? before the fire, it was my room... now i don't really like any of the rooms in my house. -Instrument? drums, i wish i could play them. [ EiTHER/0R .. ] - Coffee or hot chocolate? hot chocolate - big or little? depends what you're talking about. - Lace or satin? satin - New or old? depends what you're talking about. - Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt? neither. - Vogue or Cosmopolitan? what the hell? - Jeans or cords? depends... i have a pair of jeans, and cords, so i couldn't pick cause i love 'em both. - Sweater or sweatshirt? aren't they they same thing? - T-shirt or tank top? t shirt - Skirt or dress? skirt, although i don't have any. - Wool or cotton? cotton - Rose or Lily? rose - Oldies or pop? oldies - Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? yes. - Do you have a best friend? no. [ iN THE LAST 24 H0URS, HAVE Y0U .. ] - Cried? yes. - Helped someone? don't think so. - Bought something? yes, but only cigarettes. - Gotten sick? no. - Gone to the movies? no. - Gone out for dinner? no. - Said "I love you"? yes. - Written a real letter? no, but that's something else i should be doing... - Moved on? no, if anything i've moved back. - Talked to an ex? no, but seen an ex. - Missed an ex? yes... what a strange day for these questions, cause i haven't even thought about him in months until today. - Talked to someone you have a crush on? no. - Had a serious talk? i doubt it. - Missed someone? YES - Hugged someone? yes - Fought with your parents? no. - Fought with a friend? no, i don't have any friends to fight with. [ D0 Y0U .. ] - Wear eye shadow? no. - Eat with your mouth open? no. - What color is your floor/carpet in your room? light brown laminated flooring, with a black and white rug. - What was the last CD you bought? an aerosmith album the other day from asda. - How did you spend last summer? getting drunk every day of it. - When's the last time you showered? showered... a few weeks ago, but i had a bath yesterday. - Are you lonely? at the moment... yes. - Are you happy? at the moment... no. - Are you wearing pajamas? no, which is strange for me. i don't normaly get dressed. - Are you talking to someone online? no. - What is your astrological sign? aries post comment

i wanna go home... [16 Aug 2005|12:27pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | tenacious d - wonderboy ] never felt so homesick in my life... and i'm not even far away from my house, we just can't live in it! it caught on fire about a month and a half ago now... it was in my bedroom, my light set the curtains on fire and i was babysitting my little brother, steven, who i had to get out of bed and out of the house. the fire brigade turned up pretty quick, and in the end only my bedroom was damaged by the fire. the rest of upstairs was smoke and water damage. so i lost all my posessions, everyone elses are in storage. they say it's only gunna be a few weeks til we can move back in, but when we do i won't have anything in my room. they don't know how long it will be until i get all my stuff... so for how ever long it takes, all my bedroom will be is a room with a bed in it... great. ontop of this, i got robbed not long ago, of ALL my posessions that i had bought after the fire. so now i'm buying back all my cds again. and now i've got some serious gum disease and all my teeth are falling out like i'm some wrinkly old person...! and it HURTS. . . . . . . . . . alot, emotional and physical. 1 comment|post comment

bored... as usual [03 Jul 2005|03:37am] [ mood | bored ] [ music | am watching tv - pimp my ride ] - Current Clothes: punkyfish jeans that i wear everyday... buffy pj top and black hoodie... - Current Mood: lonely and bored - Current Music: wel i'm watching live8 on tv atm, so whatever comes on there... - Current Taste: the fag i had before i started writing this - Current Make Up: none... dont usually wear makeup - Current Hair: very messy... dont really know what's goin on with it, i was cleaning earlier and randomly put it up... that was hours ago now it's alova the place although i dont think it really matters seeing as it's nearly 3am i don't think n e 1 is goin to see me... - Current Smell: my cat, its sitting on my lap... think i should throw it in the bath :P - Current thing I ought to be doing: SLEEPING! ... its 3am! everyone else is sleeping but NOOO not me... i'm sitting in the middle of the living room floor writing in an online journal :| - Current Desktop Picture: wel this is my mum's laptop, and it has a photo of my cat... its so cute, it's actually sticking its tounge out at the camera lol... it should blatently be a model-cat. - Current Favorite Artist: personally find it impossible to choose one faveourite of anything... - Current Favorite Group: as i said before... its impossible - Current Book: ermm... i dunno what it's called but im in the middle of reading this really touching story of a boy and his younger sisters whose mum was murdered and had to go live with their dad who abused them... i like that kind of story, no idea why... maybe im just sick in the mind... :S - Current CD in CD Player: dragonforce - sonic firestorn ... i think - Current tape in VCR: waynes world, was watching it last night - Current DVD in DVD Player: dude where's my car (i think) ... was watching it the other night - Current Color Of Toenails: ermm... don't know, i'm wearing socks... but i'm pretty sure they're toe-nail-coloured... - Current Refreshment: nothing but thats a good idea, i'm well thirsty ... ... ... okay, now its fanta lemon. - Current Worry: i worry about lots of things at once all the time... i really dont have a current one Last thing: - You Touched: before the keyboard... my hair - You Talked to: my older brother louis, about 3 hours ago sayin goodnight to him... - You Hugged: danielle, yesterday when she was upset - You Instant messaged: dean - You Yelled At: steven earlier for leaving the front door open - You Kissed: ermmm... i think it was sam actually [ FAV0RiTE .. ] - Foods: microwavable turkey roast dinners - Drink: anything whiskey-related - Color: black and white (yes i know... they're shades but i dont like colours so :P) - Album: dunno... - Shoes: my new vans... love em :D - Candy: dunno... don't really eat sweets that much - Animal: herman the camel i adopted when in egypt :P hes so cute! - TV Show: the simpsons - Song: i dunno... i like lots of songs... - Vegetable: i love all vegetables theyre so nice, really dont understand why people hate eating them so much - Cartoon: simpsons! - Flower: passion flowers [ ARE Y0U .. ] - Understanding: i dunno... aren't you suppose to ask someone else that about me? ... thats a good idea... i'll ask someone if they think i'm understanding... ... yes wel apparently i am :) wooh go me! - Open-minded: apparently - Arrogant: dunno, da person i was asking before has gone offline now, lol - Insecure: pretty much - Interesting: well all my old councillers thought i was ... - Easily Amused: yeh, but also easliy bored... which is weird :S - Random: not really - Hungry: fecking starving! theres nothing to eat in my house - Friendly: i think so - Smart: well i use to be, until i started the drugs and drinking... now i an just stupid - Moody: usually - Childish: sometimes... i dont see the point in trying to act really mature all the time... it's like, im only 15! i still have time to enjoy myself without having too much responsibility so why try an grow up too fast? although i still wish i could go up the pub... - Independent: wel i had to learn to be, when my parents kicked me out - Healthy: hell no! i got so out of breath from a gentle jog for 2 minutes earlier and had to stop for a fag - Emotionally Stable: doubt it - Shy: im easily imtimiadated, so if i'm with someone i dont know im pretty quiet... unless im drunk - Difficult: my parents think i am - Bored Easily: yeh - Messy: yeh, but go thru cleaning phases where i randomly decide that i want everything to be perfect and spotless - Thirsty: yeh, just ran outa fanta - Responsible: wel i seem to be babysitting a-fucking-lot so i must be pretty responisible... - Obsessed: with what? you need to be more specific with these questions...! - Angry: not right now - Sad: always - Happy: not particularly - Hyper: when im drinking - Trusting: only with very special people - Talkative: depends on my mood, and how much speed ive taken HAVE Y0U EVER .. - Been kissed? yeh - Done Drugs? yeh - Eaten an entire box of Oreos? what are oreos...? - Been on stage? yeh - Dumped Someone? yeh - Gotten in a car accident? nearly... my mums a bad driver lol - Been in love? i dont believe in love [ FAV0RiTE .. ] -Shampoo: TRE-semme... its actually amazing, so every1 should go out and buy it. -Toothpaste: whatever happens to be there... its only toothpaste, its not exactly guna make a difference in my life is it? -Soap: these questions are pretty stupid really arent they...? -Room in your house? my room -Instrument? possibly... drums [ EiTHER/0R .. ] - Coffee or hot chocolate? hot chocolate - big or little? depends on wot your talking about - Lace or satin? satin - New or old? depends... im pretty sentimental, so i like to keep old things for the sake of memories... but i also like getting new things - Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt? neither... prats - Vogue or Cosmopolitan? heh? - Jeans or cords? i think cords look nice, but i dont own n e ... cause i only own one pair of trousers, and theyre jeans - Sweater or sweatshirt? arent they the same thing...? - T-shirt or tank top? t shirt - Skirt or dress? skirts look nicer than dresses, but i dont wear either - Wool or cotton? cotton - Rose or Lily? rose - Oldies or pop? oldies - Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? no - Do you have a best friend? yeh [ iN THE LAST 24 H0URS, HAVE Y0U .. ] - Cried? yeh, im usually crying - Helped someone? yeh i listened to dan when she was upset and gave cuddles - Bought something? erm, yesh i went to shop earlier and bought 20 ciggarettes and a bottle of lucozade and credit for my phone - Gotten sick? dont think so, unless a hangover counts...? - Gone to the movies? no... but i watched a movie! - Gone out for dinner? i have actually... went out for a meal with my brother yesterday cause it was his birthday - Said "I love you"? probably - Written a real letter? no... but that reminds me i have to write a letter to my mate lol... id almost forgotten - Moved on? not at all, im still dwelling on a few big events - Talked to an ex? yeh - Missed an ex? every second - Talked to someone you have a crush on? probably - Had a serious talk? i think so - Missed someone? yeh - Hugged someone? yeh - Fought with your parents? yeh - Fought with a friend? yeh [ D0 Y0U .. ] - Wear eye shadow? nope, no make up... too much effort - Eat with your mouth open? no, but my mum does - What color is your floor/carpet in your room? i hav laminated floor so its light brown... with a black rug - What was the last CD you bought? i dont know i usually steal them off my dad and never give em back... think the last one i stole was razorlight, but the last one i bought was possibly a whitesnake album - How did you spend last summer? gettin drunk i belive - When's the last time you showered? wel i had a bath yesterday... but i havent showered in months - Are you lonely? always - Are you happy? not rite now - Are you wearing pajamas? half... got my pajama top but ive been wearin it all day with my jeans, its just a strappy top with buffy written on it... - Are you talking to someone online? i was, but they went... i would think most people are offline by now from my list as its nearly 4am now - What is your astrological sign? aries bloody hell that took a long time... wonder if anyone bothered to read it all, lol... ahh wel i'm not bothered, i wouldn't read it if it was someone elses... its too long lol... i'm goin out for a ciggy... peace x 1 comment|post comment

[03 Jul 2005|02:30am] [ mood | tired ] [ music | am watching tv ] wow i was depressed yesterday when i wrote that entry, lol... how pathetic am i... pouring my heart out to a fecking online journal... now i just need to get the courage to do that to a person, so atleast someone will know how im feeling... post comment

pouring my heart out to a screen and keyboard... [01 Jul 2005|11:00pm] [ mood | lonely ] [ music | razorlight - fall, fall, fall ] i'm pretty aware that no one knows my blurty exists, so i guess i can feel free to write what ever i want without any one caring ... so it's been over 2 months since the day troy dumped me and i lost my baby... and i really expected to be feeling happier by now, but no matter what i do, i just can't help feeling down... it seems that no matter what i'm doing or what i'm thinking about, there is still a part of my mind thinking about troy and missing him like fuck... no one has ever cared for me like he did, but i couldn't see that when i had him... i just took total advantage and fucked everything up... i sometimes find myself wondering what it would be like if i was still with him and still pregnant... i would be nearly 4 months by now so would be starting to show... i wonder what his reaction would be if we were still happily together and i had of just told him i was pregnant instead of making all the stupid mistakes i made and then having to face consiquences on my own like i am now... i didn't think it would take this long to heal from it... but it is, and i can't explain how im feeling in words on an online journal, but i'm doing my best, lol... i would do anything in the world just to have one more chance with troy, to go back to how things were and start over without making mistakes... but i was given way too many chances and i screwed them all up... saying i wouldn't do it again, but not sticking by it... i feel so stupid... the thing i hate about it all, is that im suffering in silence... i cry myself to sleep every night and feel down every moment of every day... trying my best to hide it... no one has ever really noticed properly, they're all too busy being wrapped up inside their own lives... there is one thing that secretely frustrates me... well a lot of my mates think i'm a good listener, and they come to me with their problems all the time... i can't really give advice but i can listen for hours on end and give cuddles when they cry to me... and it annoys me that they can tell people about how they're feeling and i can't... i have tried telling my friends but they dont seem to understand... they just turn the conversation around and start talking about themselves... it frustrates me so much, cause all i want is someone to listen to me, cuddle me and tell me it's okay... because at the moment it really doesn't seem okay... i feel like i have no one... and i really need someone... another thing i've been thinking about a lot recently is what happened when i was 12... i can't help thinking that it was my fault, everyone tells me it wasn't but i know it was... most people don't know the full story... i really was asking for it, i mean i was stupid enough to let him take me down an alley ...? you can't get much dumber than that, surley? it's like the other day a group of girls at college were discussing their "first times". i wasn't really joining in, but kind of half listening out of curiosity... and then they tried to involve me, asking me endless questions... "how old were you?", "who was it?", "where was it?" i ignored it for a while and said i didn't wanna talk about it, but they kept going on... so in the end i just told them all that my first time was a guy raping me in an alley and then putting me into a coma for a few days with alcohol poisioning... they were shocked and i left the room to go down for a ciggarette... no one came after me to apologoise or see if i was okay, and that made me cry... they have never mentioned it again... but they occasionally ask "if i'm okay" when i have tears in my eyes... which doesnt really help, as they can tell i'm not nearly okay... im not anywhere near... post comment

bored... [01 Jul 2005|10:54pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | razorlight - in the city ] i have kissed someone... [x] on the cheek. [x] on the lips. [x] on their hands or fingers. [x] in my room. [x] in their room. [x] of the same sex. [x] of the opposite sex. [x] younger than me. [x] older than me. [x] with jet black hair. [x] with curly hair. [x]with blonde hair & blue eyes. [x] with flaming red hair. [x] with straight hair. [x] smaller/shorter than me. [x] bigger/taller than me. [ ] with a lip ring. [x] who was drunk. [x] who was high. [x] who I had just met. [x] who was homosexual. [ ] who I didn't really want to kiss. [x] on a holiday. [x] who was going out with someone else. [x] who was going out with someone close to me. [x] who was my good friend's brother or sister. [ ] who had been/is in jail. [ ] in a graveyard. [x] at a show/concert. [x] at the beach. [x] in a pool, jacuzzi, or some type of water- underwater! [x] who was legally too young/old for me to have sex with. [x] with dyed hair. [ ] with a shaved head. [x] who was/is my good friend. [x] who was/is in a band. [ ] who has tattoos. [ ] who is of a completely different race than me. [x] in the rain. [x] in another continent besides where I was born. [x] with an accent. [ ] with an std. [ ] on a boat. [x] in a car/taxi/bus. [ ] on a plane. [ ] at the circus/carnival. [ ] with a missing body part. [x] in the movies. post comment

managed to lose 2 people in one day... go me :( [08 May 2005|07:27pm] [ mood | lonely ] [ music | whitesnake - sailing ships ] well troy dumped me... on the same day my miscarraige started... which is good in some ways, but bad in a lot of ways cuz i would do n e thing to get my baby back... troy aswell... feeling empty inside is not good... especially when u have no one's arms to wrap yourself in to make yourself feel wanted... which apparently im not :| ... which is understandable, cuz it was my fault he dumped me, and i did kinda expect it... but i would do n e thing to go back and start again and this time NOT make so many huge mistakes as i seem to do so often with everything in my life... why do i have to screw everything up??? post comment

bored... [21 Apr 2005|05:27pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | def leppard - hysteria ] annoying quiz thingy that i got from carley ... LAYER ONE: On The Outside - Name: april - Nickname: munchkin - Birth date: 17th april 1990 - Birthplace: rochford - Current Location: shoebury - Eye Color: blue/gray - Hair Color: naturally browny blonde, but right now it has streaks of bleach blonde and blue innit - Height: i dunno.. short? - Righty or Lefty: righty - Zodiac Sign: aries LAYER TWO: On The Inside - Your heritage: what does that mean? - Who you look like: me... which isnt good - Your weakness: iunno... - Your fears: omg lets make a list... dogs, moths, butterflies, heights, falling from heights, rapists, drowning, ladybugs, vomiting, bees, wasps, infact most things that fly that arent birds... ermm, lets see what else... manikins(the ones without head are alrite tho), planes... people sitting behing me on a bus or train or someone walking behind me.... there are loads but im getting bored of tryin 2 think of them all... - Your perfect pizza: ergh. hate pizza - Goals you'd like to achieve: live until im 18... according to my dad im not gunna LAYER THREE: Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow - Your most overused phrase on messenger: lol - Your thoughts first waking up: whats the time? - Your best physical feature: if i had one i wud tell u... - Your bedtime: whenever i get tired - Your most missed memory: <> LAYER FOUR: Your Pick - Pepsi or Coke: difference? - McDonald's or Burger King: mc donalds - Single or group dates: single - Adidas or Nike: nike - Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla - Cappuccino or coffee: hate em both LAYER FIVE: Do You? - Smoke: yes - Cuss: cuss....? - Sing: only when im on my own - Have a crush: not really - Think you've been in love: i duno im only 15! - Like high school: oh yeah totally im there everyday front row to be near the teacher :D - Want to get married: yeah probably - Believe in yourself: i duno - Think you're attractive: no - Think you're a health freak: not realli - Get along with your parents: better than about a year ago yeah - Like thunderstorms: yeh theyre wel cool - Play an instrument: no i tried but failed LAYER SIX: In the past month... - Drank alcohol: hows last night for u? - Smoked: 10 minutes ago... - Done a drug: once again... last night! - Gone to the mall: do we actually have malls in england? - Cried: yes last night - Kissed someone you didnt want to: yes now lets not get into that - Been on stage: no - Gone skating: no - Gone skinny dipping: no - Dyed your hair: yep, it cost a whole loada money and looks like mouldy bread - Stolen anything: yep LAYER SEVEN: Ever.. - Played a game that required removal of clothing: yeh when i was little i use to play the hens nest game :P lol - Been caught "doing something": yer lol... that was embarrasing - Been called a tease: yer lol - Gotten beaten up: no, just threatened. bunch of pussies - Shoplifted: yep LAYER EIGHT: Getting Older - Age you hope to be married: i duno. whenever i feel like it but im soo keeping my surname cuz i love it! - Numbers and Names of Children: one girl and one boy, the girl has to be older though! about... 4 years older - Describe your dream wedding: i duno - How do you want to die: through a disease that isnt painful, just so that i will know that im guna die so i can say goodbye to my loved ones - What do you want to be when you grow up: workin with lil children - What country would you most like to visit: well it was egypt but i went there a few months ago so idunno! LAYER NINE: In a partner - Best eye color: blue - Hair color: blonde - Short or long hair: short - Height: taller than me, but thats not hard. if i wanted sum1 shorter than me i wud have to be with like a 9-year-old - Weight: its whats inside that counts - Best articles of clothing: huh? LAYER TEN: In The Numbers... - Number of people I could trust with my life: i dont know... trusting is hard - Number of CDs that I own: about 40 but most of them are copies, or my dads that ive stolen - Number of piercings: 4 :( but more soon! - Number of tattoos: 0 im not old enuff :( - Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: once, when i was 9 and i did a haloween thing at asda :) - Number of things in my past that I regret: theres only one thing that i truly regret and most people know what that is bt i regret most the things ive done over the past 3 years post comment

iwant troy.... [20 Apr 2005|10:49pm] [ mood | drunk ] [ music | joe satriani - i believe ] ok so im fucked off my face and i woudl do anything to be with troy right now... hes well pissed at me and iwant him not to be cause i can hardlt enjoy bei ng drunk with him so annoyed me at me... i mean yer i had a good time but ehere was like a flashimg light at the back of mt head goin 'troy troy troy tr oytr oytr oyrt troy troy...' and i mkiss him so musch an i'm really upset and i want him to forgive me although i dnt deseve iut... fact its that chances are i could be rpregnant so he cant sdump me...! well he can bt it wil be bead... ah hi cant even type im goin to sleep goodnightey people... ApRiL xxx post comment

its all gud :-) [15 Apr 2005|10:46pm] [ mood | happy ] [ music | joe satriani ] i have a strange feeling of happiness come over me... i was pretty depressed earlier, but lots of little things have made me smile... troy ringing me from the pub to see if i was okay... brad putting his drunk mum on webcam for me... that was pretty amusing lol... the songs i've been downloading have helped a lot aswel... and i just realized that tomorrow i'm gettin my hair done all nice and pretty, AND troys stayin over, AND it's my birthday the next day and were goin out for a meal :) THEN the next day i'm goin shopping with my moneys with danielle... so i get to spend my birthday with my 2 favourite people :-) yes thats right- dannie and troy you are the 2 most special people to me in the whole world :-D so you had better feel loved! ok i've decided to go for sleep now... its getting late and time passes quicker when you are asleep... and anywayz i gota get up proper early tomorrow! ---ApRiL--- post comment

this could be a very boring entry... [12 Apr 2005|08:41pm] [ mood | okay ] [ music | def leppard - life is a highway ] oh my god, it actually sucks more when it is the holidays than when it isnt the holidays...! theres nothing to do... and i mean NOTHING... its tuesday, and so far i've watched tv... all day everyday... thats also what i plan to do tomorrow... and the next day... and the next day... the next day is saturday, and i'm goin to get my hair and my nails done for a birthday treat... then the next day is sunday, which is my birthday so i'm goin out and gettin drunk... i don't know where and i don't know how, but i will... the next day is monday, when i am going shopping with danielle to spend any leftover money on cds and dvds... after all that i will be 15, which means i can get my job in wimpy... its only 4 hours a day, but its a start! least i will be getting more money than like... a 5iver a week... cuz that sucks... ive got just under 2 weeks until i get beaten up by scarlett and kelly, and possibly natalie and nikki at college... i was drunk saturday night and i rung scarlett up callin her a slag, and she took it to heart and now she wont leave me alone, lol. so yeah... if she hasnt got over it by next monday then i will be gettin the shit beaten outta me at college... great! goodnight steve... yeah my little brother is goin to bed and i thought i'd type what i was saying as i was saying it... i'm really that bored... my older brother is gettin drunk right now with his girlfriend, while i'm sitting here bored shitless missing troy :( wish he'd ring me... so is it just me, or has any one else noticed that life is really boring? i need a hobby, but nothing intrests me... at all... although i found out that steven king books are quite good, but i have a short attention span and find it hard to read for too long or i get side tracked by a fly flying around in the corner of my eye, then i'd move to splat it, then i'd forget about the book and start complaining that i'm bored... pathetic, eh? my dad noticed the alkyhol i stole on saturday earlier he was looking right into my eyes goin, "april... did you take it?" and i'm like "errrrr, nooooo....." so now when louis gets back, hes gunna stress at him and i'm gunna feel really guilty and i'm gunna end up confessing... then get grounded... which doesn't exactly make any difference, because as i said before... I HAVE NOTHING TO DO!!!... so it'd just be the same anywayz... cept i'm gunna have to sit through a bit lecture... wooh... this entry is getting well long... no one in their right mind would read this far without clicking the little cross in the corner with the conclusion that i'm a VERY boring person... which i guess i am really... lol... great... IM BORING... ahh i need a hobby... well seeing as no one will ever get this far in reading this particualr entry, i guess i could tell you all a really big secret and no one will ever know...! hmm... let me see now... a big secret... how about ermm... i fancy troy!!!... yeah i bet no one saw that one coming! i only stole his virginity a few months ago lol :P ahhh love ya troy... i need fags... i only have one... and its calling me from the top drawer... oh no thats the phone ringing... oh look it's dannielle... oh look danielle has fags... oh look shes coming round... woohoo! ok i'm gunna love ya'll and leave ya'll -x-ApRiL-x- post comment

wow im bored ... [11 Apr 2005|07:15pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | black sabbath ] today has been boring... and i mean very boring... and its only like... 7.16pm... so much more time in the day... and nothing to do... spent the whole day watching tv... and i mean the WHOLE day... i hardly even moved, except to get food of course... and the bordem continues... post comment

my head hurts... still [10 Apr 2005|09:19pm] [ mood | tired ] [ music | Alizee - Moi Lolita ] its only 9.20pm and im half asleep... how bad is that? my head is killing for no apparent reason and ive had a really bad day :( i got threatened, ignored, insulted, had the piss ripped outa me... but the surprise visit from troy cheered me up... but then he left... :( and i think i have arthritis in my feet from where i click my toes every 3 minutes... every one warned me but hey what ya gunna do... maybe i'll get to use a wheelchair :D i like 'em... theyre fun... so yeah i'll give it time then go to the doctors... ok half of my brain is already sleep... maybe i should go to bed... ApRiL --x-- post comment

my head hurts... [10 Apr 2005|10:24am] [ mood | tired ] [ music | aerosmith - come together ] fuckin scarlett woke me up at fuckin 9 o clock this morning... hello...! HANGOVER! ffs it's a sunday morning >:-( well tired... my parents have gone away for the weekend so i saw it as an oppertunity to get very drunk... so i did! it was fun... then boring... then fun again... then boring and i had to go to my nans at like midnight to sleep there and my grandad was really drunk with was quite amusing... anywayz i have things to do... peace ApRiL ---x--- post comment

here comes another bordem thing... [02 Apr 2005|04:54pm] [ mood | lonely ] [ music | def leppard - animal ] - Current Clothes: pj bottoms, eyore t shirt and hoodie - Current Mood: lonly and bored - Current Music: def lappard - Current Taste: fags - Current Make Up: none - Current Hair: messy - Current Smell: fags - Current thing I ought to be doing: tidying up - Current Desktop Picture: me, my dad and steven in the desert in egypt - Current Favorite Artist: ozzy - Current Favorite Group: def leppard - Current Book: steven king - green mile - Current CD in CD Player: ozzmosis - Current tape in VCR: the camera tape - Current DVD in DVD Player: eurotrip - Current Color Of Toenails: the colour toenails are suppose to be... - Current Refreshment: pure orange juice - Current Worry: impossible to chose just one Last thing: - You Touched: the keyboard - You Talked to: louis, asking him to get off the computer - You Hugged: troy last night - You Instant messaged: leanne, about 2 seconds ago - You Yelled At: steven earlier for leaving the front door open - You Kissed: troy last night [ FAV0RiTE .. ] - Foods: chicken and mushroom pot noodle - Drink: vodka, but anything will do - Color: black and white - Album: atm its def leppard - vault - Shoes: my stripey slippers - Candy:duno i dont really eat sweets - Animal: herman the camel - TV Show: simpsons - Song: i dunno... i like lots of songs... - Vegetable: brussels - Cartoon: cud answer that if i still had sky :( - Flower: passion flowers [ ARE Y0U .. ] - Understanding: i think so - Open-minded: i dunoo - Arrogant: i duno - Insecure: yeh - Interesting: apparently - Easily Amused: yeh, but also easliy bored - Random: not really - Hungry: no i just ate a bowl of egg mayo - Friendly: to my friends - Smart: apparently - Moody: sometimes - Childish: yeh its fun - Independent: i duno - Healthy: nop - Emotionally Stable: i duno - Shy: yeah if im with people who i dont know that are intimmidating me - Difficult: i duno - Bored Easily: yeh - Messy: yeh, but go thru cleaning phases - Thirsty: yeh - Responsible: if i want to be - Obsessed: with some things - Angry: at some things - Sad: not right now - Happy: not right now - Hyper: on rare occasions, yes - Trusting: only with very special people - Talkative: depends on my mood HAVE Y0U EVER .. - Been kissed? yeh - Done Drugs? yeh - Eaten an entire box of Oreos? what are oreos? - Been on stage? yeh - Dumped Someone? yeh - Gotten in a car accident? nearly... my mums a bad driver lol - Been in love? i dont know [ FAV0RiTE .. ] -Shampoo: dunno, my mum buys me shitty asda stuff -Toothpaste: lol my mums started buying me smokers toothpaste, its alrite. -Soap: i duno -Room in your house? my room -Instrument? i duno [ EiTHER/0R .. ] - Coffee or hot chocolate? hot chocolate - big or little? depends on wot your talking about - Lace or satin? satin - New or old? depends - Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt? neither - Vogue or Cosmopolitan? heh? - Jeans or cords? Jeans - Sweater or sweatshirt? arent they the same thing? - T-shirt or tank top? t shirt - Skirt or dress? Skirt... but i dont wear either - Wool or cotton? cotton - Rose or Lily? rose - Oldies or pop? oldies - Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? yeh - Do you have a best friend? yeh [ iN THE LAST 24 H0URS, HAVE Y0U .. ] - Cried? no - Helped someone? yeh i gave someone advice - Bought something? yeh, but only fags and bread - Gotten sick? no - Gone to the movies? no - Gone out for dinner? i went to the chip shop yesterday - Said "I love you"? yeh - Written a real letter? no - Moved on? no - Talked to an ex? yeh - Missed an ex? no - Talked to someone you have a crush on? yeh - Had a serious talk? yeh - Missed someone? yeh - Hugged someone? yeh - Fought with your parents? yeh - Fought with a friend? no [ D0 Y0U .. ] - Wear eye shadow? no - Eat with your mouth open? no - What color is your floor/carpet in your room? i hav laminated floor so its light brown... with a black rug - What was the last CD you bought? i dont buy cds, i borrow off people and copy lol - How did you spend last summer? gettin drunk i belive - When's the last time you showered? yesterday after work before i left for troys - Are you lonely? yes :( - Are you happy? not rite now - Are you wearing pajamas? yeh :) my clown trousers - Are you talking to someone online? i was, but they dissapered - What is your astrological sign? airies fuckin ell that was one long... post comment

fuckin parents... [02 Apr 2005|11:58am] [ mood | annoyed ] [ music | dmx - get it on the floor ] why am i used as a babysitting machine? every day this week except friday i was babysitting for steven... and now today ( my saturday!) i've woken up and found a note from my parents with money ontop of it... "We've gone out for the day... heres money for the shopping... mum and dad..." i mean WTF? they couldve atleast woke me up so i could've said no! so now i'm stuck sitting here all day... oh fucking joy... -ApRiL- post comment

still insainly bored... [31 Mar 2005|04:56pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | def leppard - love bites ] ok so i'm still insainly bored so here comes another one i just found... have i ever... Hugged someone? yeh Gotten into a fight? no Cried? yeh Smoked? yeh Drank alcohol? yeh lol Kissed someone on the cheek? yeh Reunited with an old friend? yeh a lil while ago actually Been suspended? funnily enough i counted a lil while ago, and its 8 times... 9 including the permanant one. Let something go? ...dunno... Been whipped? i dont think so... Learned any important lessons? i guess what happened when i was 12 shoudlve taught me not to drink... but nah Got a kiss on the cheek? yeh Kissed someone on the lips? yeh Considered suicide? yeh Gone to a funeral? nope Had to get over someone? yeh Fall in love? <> Cut/dyed your hair drastically? yeah stripey :P Flirted? yeh Been backstabbed? yeh Taken somebody's pants off? yeh Taken somebody's shirt off? yeh Had sex? not for 3 days Slept with a girl? yeh lol Missed someone? missin someone right now Hit someone? well APPARENTLY i hit gorgia but i didnt... broken something really important to you? yeah, relationships Cuddled with someone? yeh Held hands? yeh Made out? yeh Had your heart broken? ish Broken somebody's heart? doubt it Done something you really regreted? i regret everything Laughed so hard that it hurt? yeh Had someone tell you that they like you? about 5 minutes ago! Got cheated on? yeh Gone on a date? if goin to the cinema with your boyfriend counts, then yeh. Got dumped? yeh Dumped someone? yeh Made a new screen name? yeh... Lost a friend? yeh Gotten any tattoos/piercings? yeh... but only ears until im 16 Watched porn? yeh but i cant say its a habit... Been in a love/hate relationship? no Liked someone so much that it hurt? yeh Been grounded? most my life lol post comment

... [31 Mar 2005|04:52pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | def leppard - pour some sugar on me ] ok so i'm insainly bored so i'm gunna do this thing i just found... ok have i kissed someone... [x] on the cheek. [x] on the lips. [x] on their hands or fingers. [x] in my room. [x] in their room. [x] of the same sex. [x] of the opposite sex. [x] younger than me. [x] older than me. [ ] with jet black hair. [x] with curly hair. [x]with blonde hair & blue eyes. [ ] with flaming red hair. [x] with straight hair. [x] smaller/shorter than me. [x] bigger/taller than me. [ ] with a lip ring. [x] who was drunk. [x] who was high. [x] who I had just met. [ ] who was homosexual. [ ] who I didn't really want to kiss. [ ] on a holiday. [x] who was going out with someone else. [x] who was going out with someone close to me. [x] who was my good friend's brother or sister. [ ] who had been/is in jail. [ ] in a graveyard. [ ] at a show/concert. [x] at the beach. [x] in a pool, jacuzzi, or some type of water- underwater! [x] who was legally too young/old for me to have sex with. [x] with dyed hair. [ ] with a shaved head. [x] who was/is my good friend. [x] who was/is in a band. [ ] who has tattoos. [ ] who is of a completely different race than me. [x] in the rain. [ ] in another continent besides where I was born. [x] with an accent. [ ] with an std. [ ] on a boat. [x] in a car/taxi/bus. [ ] on a plane. [ ] at the circus/carnival. [ ] with a missing body part. [x] in the movies. post comment

i hate school [31 Mar 2005|03:21pm] [ mood | indescribable ] [ music | mario - let me love you ] i hate school... buch of cunts that dont even care if we learn or not, just as long as they get paid... theres no point in me going to school, with 2 days of college and one day at work that leaves me only 2 days at school, so i dont get any coursework done, because they are making me waste my time doing art, tech and i.t, instead of focusing on maths, english and science, which is what i need to be doing!!! what a bunch of twats... post comment

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