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[23 Aug 2004|03:27pm] |
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I dont know why I even try in my marriage. It never makes a differance. My husband is moving to another state and leaving me here. Hell of a way to sustain a marriage, huh?!
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[17 Jun 2004|09:49am] |
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In the process of finding releif, it apears to me like I am feeling more and more used. I don't know how I let myself get pulled this far down?! Am I really that bad of a person. So bad, that people only speak to me when they want something from me? Granted they speak of me plenty. I feel abandoned by self pride. Is it like me to let them walk all over me??? Do they realize how their actions make me feel? And if not, what planet did they grow up on??? You can't treat people this way!!! The battles inside are unbareable.
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[16 Jun 2004|10:51am] |
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It is Wednesday, humpday, but it feels like a Monday. I don't want to be at work. I don't want to be at home either. Why is everything so complicated??? Why does everything have to be so hard??? Why can't one thing in my life be simple??? I am just having a bad day. I don't know why. I just don't want to be around people today... I am feeling very on edge. Ready to snap. I feel as though I could explode any minute. Take a deep breath, calm down. You always do that. Step out of yourself for a second a see how you are acting. 10... it isn't as bad as you make it. 9... deep breath. 8... You feel as if every one is your enemy. 7... People care more than you think. 6... deep breath. 5... You have to look in from the out side. 4... You can't always see what you do. 3... deep breath. 2... Look at the possibility that you are not as alone as you feel. 1... Back to reality.
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[08 Jun 2004|04:53pm] |
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mood |
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 frustrated |
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I am so sick and tired of feeling like this!!! It pisses me off that he doesn't support me (in anything). He doesn't treat me bad, and he is very proud of that!!! But he doesn't treat me good either! He is never there for me when I need him. My step sister is getting married in a couple of days, but he isn't taking off work (because she's not my real sister). My dad is very sick and is dying, All I ever get from him is "So... he's not MY dad!!" !? What the hell is that? I don't want to live my entire life this way. I don't want to grow old wishing I was young!!!
What should I do???
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| Such is life |
[04 Jun 2004|06:03pm] |
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This week has definitely been a week to talk about!!! Me and my husband have been in three huge fights. Mostly because of my emotions regarding my father. The man doesn't know how to support me on anything. You'd think that after 6 years in a relationship with a person you would know what to expect from them!? Its like we don't even know each other. I'm not sure we even want to know each other. This is the man that I married (till death do us part)? I'm tired, emotionally run down. I just don't want to deal with anything!!!
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| I saw him once |
[03 Jun 2004|09:38pm] |
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mood |
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 artistic |
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music |
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Rock |
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I saw him once, standing there...
watching me so purley.
Keeping with the hands of time
again they took him from me
He told me he would always care
as long as I still love him
Assuring me that all is well
I would again be with him
I can not face them once again
To tell them I'm a failure
I have to look into my past
If not to save the future.
He'll always love me
I know he will
Watching and protecting
waiting for the day to come
So he can once again feel.
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| My dad |
[25 May 2004|01:17pm] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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I find myself feeling numb as his condition gets worse. I try not to even think about it. The probability that he wont make it much longer gets stronger every day. I feel ashamed, and scared. He has always been there for me. I just want to be there with him. How am I suppose to deal with this? How do I get past it, and live my own life??? I know that he will always be in my heart. He will always watch over me, and protect me. He will never know my children, they will have miss out on this ever so special person!
I will miss him dearly!!! I miss him now. I wish I could spend all my time with him now, in his time of need. All he has ever wanted is for his kids to be happy, But how can I be happy now?
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| And then it was said |
[12 Apr 2004|02:52pm] |
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mood |
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 mischievous |
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Life has been interesting over the past week. A friend of mine past away in a car accident. My husband and I are looking into buying a house. I almost, if not, cheated on my husband. And I caught my mother in law cleaning my house.
He told me that he is proud of me...
For every thing I do, for all that I have accomplished, and all that I've over come.
He is serious, I don't understand, all that I've been through. Why is he proud??? I have always made it through, I have trouble coping at times, but I make it through! So what does he have to be proud of?
It was interesting to me to find that I have control of my anxiety attacks. I can stop them (for the most part) before they happen. I've learned what to look for, and what to do to prevent such occurrences from happening.
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| Wondering thoughts of a married women |
[06 Apr 2004|07:56pm] |
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mood |
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mischievous |
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I have a small confessions to make...
My thoughts and feelings have drifted from my marriage. I love my husband, I really do, but we have a lot of problems. Some of which I don't know that we can fix. I have dreams of other men. Detailed dreams. I fantasize, Some times too much. I have slipped a couple of times. Thank God he don't know that. There is this guy... I've know him for a while now, I can't stop thinking about him. I grown very fond of the feelings I get when he's around. I miss him when he's not there. Believe me, I'm not in love with him, by all means... I just like the attention that he shows me . I like the way he makes me feel. I ache for him. I lust for him. I don't know if I could turn him away if he approached me sexually. I took my vows seriously. However, my marriage has become so scarce, I don't think it would matter (to me at least) if I did anything. Sex in my marriage has become none existent. It's completely my fault, I don't want to have sex with him. I don't even get along with him. Why would I, in my right mind, want to have sex (or in his words, Make Love) with anyone I don't get along with. I have temptation all around me! I have been strong for a long time... In the beginning he wasn't ready for the serious commitment of marriage. Now the tables have turned, I don't want to be married. I am young, and full of energy. I should be having fun, not working my butt off trying to pay bills and keep a household together!!! I want to go dancing. I want to get drunk and fuck anyone I choose, if I choose. I want to be able to live MY LIFE to its fullest, live it up, and enjoy it. Is that so wrong???
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[05 Apr 2004|10:01pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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Confusing as my life might be. It is my life to live. Realizing this was not an easy step, I was always wanting to please everyone. Just as long as everyone else was happy, I thought I was to. Nobody ever said thank you, or by some small chance ask me what I wanted. I was there to please, and that was that. No one even thought twice about it... except me. I have needs and wants, too!!! And so far they are not being met. I need to look inside myself and figure out just what it is that would make me happy. Not only that, I need to learn how to apply it to my life in hopes of some day feeling the escape from the uneasiness of what is now my life!!!
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[05 Apr 2004|06:50pm] |
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I am at work now... Should be working, I suppose. I just can't stay focused. I feel as though I have been up for days, and it's only Monday. The days are getting longer, life is getting harder and a lot more complex. My nights aren't near long enough. Sleeping is the only release I have from this fast paced noise I call life. Those I claim special are becoming complicated. Everything's a mess... Everything I thought I wanted seems neglected and out of sight. I have almost everything I thought I ever wanted, but now I can't seem to find the appeal. I'm scared, I don't know what to do, who to trust, where to go... how can anyone live like this??? I'm confused, yet I'm not. I know everything that's happening, I get it, I understand. I just don't know what to do now?! I need something, I don't know what, but something. Is it Tuesday yet??? I am Married, if you want to call it a marrage. We have been married for 2 years, and dated for 4 years prior. It already seems like a lifetime. We can barely stand each other. I hope this isn't how everyone live their lives!!! My Bestfriend, of 6 years, has been bestfriends with my husband since 2nd grade. It makes it hard to talk about anything personal. But he's the best friend I've ever had. I moved ALOT growing up. So I never really had a chance to get to know anyone really well. When you go throuhg life like that... it makes it hard to trust anyone anyways! Can anyone understand? Sometimes I just want to disapear. Fade into the darkness, away from anyone and anything. As if I never really existed in this world, with these people. Is this possable? Can I make it happen??? The thought of freedom is about the only thing that keeps me going. I work my butt of to keep things cival! Living with my in-laws doesnt help. The don't even like me, let alone respect me!!! I dont know how I got myself into this mess, it just sort of happened. The question is... can I turn my life around and live happy again??? Time will only tell!
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