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Lhuv Kerapht

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Goodbye from here [01 Jul 2003|06:10pm]
[ mood | full ]
[ music | hummmmmmm ]

I have a new place.

take yourself away from here, to my new happiness

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to dream of love [27 Jun 2003|11:57pm]
[ mood | peaceful ]
[ music | Cherry Pie--Underworld ]

I wish that I could tell you everything. I go running at night--every night now--and I cannot describe fully how this place makes me feel when I see it near midnight. There is a backerei just down the road, and they do their best work at night, always just as I jog by. I often slow up, just so I can smell the smell of fresh baked bread coming out of the exhaust that blows my hair to the side. I see hedgerows that block three story brick homes from the street downtown, and stuff my hand into them as I hurry by. I get a small amount of satisfaction just to feel the thorns and prickly bits scraping my hand, and I hope my skin breaks open, so that I know I am not already asleep. I sometimes encounter German cats, and they predictably either quickly skulk into the shadows, or sit and stare at me as I zip by.

This town has been here for centuries. It will most probably be here for centuries more; and I can only pace around it in awe. From the cobblestone street to the steeple in the center of the village, I can't beleive my eyes. I could attribute my adherence to my nightly schedule to the fact that I cannot see enough of this tiny town. It is smaller than the town I lived in as a child, I can run from end to end in ten minutes; yet I will never get enough, there is too much history for just one summer.

I can't tell you what simple pleasures there are to be had in this place. I can only give you a hollow description of my feelings on this ancient, powerful beauty which surrounds me, and that will never do justice to the reverence I must have on every nightly jog.

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call me amazed [18 Jun 2003|03:39am]
[ mood | surprised ]
[ music | ah, radiohead, mmmmm ]

I got accepted by the school of my dreams, and today I got this in an email, from the admissions dept.
------------------------------------------------------------------
This is the tuition:
room 1466.00
board 1531.00
study tuition 15115.00
study fees 401.00
books/personal 1000.00
co-op tuition 7558.00
co-op fees 201.00
loan fees 105.00
TOTAL 27377.00
here is your aid:

federal pell grant 4050.00
federal seog grant 3000.00
antioch grant 14622.00
federal work study 1000.00
federal subsidized stafford loan 3500.00
federal perkins loan 1100.00
TOTAL 27272.00

That leaves a difference of about $100 which you will probably be
billed
in July. I hope this looks pretty good to you.
---------------------------------------------------------------

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS??

well I'll tell you.

it means my dear reader, that I will be able to subsist for the next year of my life for about $100, and that's pretty cool.

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4 comments|post comment

grrrr [10 Jun 2003|08:38pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]
[ music | not radiohead, that's for fucking sure ]

Damn germany

I want to buy Radiohead's new album today, but my local music store doesn't have it!!

damn it.
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3 comments|post comment

bad computer+mad king Ludwig [09 Jun 2003|11:35am]
[ mood | tired ]
[ music | sheep outside saying baahaaaa ]

I had a pretty full weekend. I'd like to put it down in this crap journal, so that I can look back on it someday to say,

"Wow, I really did once have fun things to do!"

I will go in reverse chronological order, hoping that latency is more interesting than primacy.

I awoke about an hour ago, hearing some noise in the house. I can't imagine what it might have been, and I only guess when I say it must be that tree that is possessed by the devil. There is a tree in our back garden that IS possessed by the spirit of SATAN.

Last night I got home around 1130, and sat around the house trying to decide whether to go to bed and sleep until the stars burn out, or wake up at 7am. My parents decided to get up at 6am, owing to the fact that the two of them have jobs, and work starts early.

We drove home from Rammstein Air Force Base, and from there had come from Dachau, where there remains a memorial and museum on the former site of one of the most horrifying concentration camps in the whole of Germany. Dachau is not where prisoners were gassed, that was Auschwitz; Dachau was one of the oldest concentration camps, and ceratainly one of the most terrifying. Containing over 65,000 prisoners by 1945, in 30 barracks that were originally designed for 300 persons.....you do the math.....most of the prisoners either died of starvation (the ration in the last days was an EIGHTH of a loaf of bread per day, about 120 grams), or the typhus that spread through the camp, killing thousands. The site had a crematorium, but as the body count rose, the cremators hadn't the power to dispose of all of the bodies by burning; mass graves were necessary to dispose of all the corpses. When allied forces finally broke through to liberate the camp, the SS had already abandoned Dachau, and it had been run for three weeks by an international group of elders amongst the prisoners. I cannot describe how horrifying it was to see all the photographs and testimony describing torture and subjugation on such a great scale. In the few years the camp was there, thousands of people lost their lives, and for many more life was changed for the worse. I can't imagine anything worse than to find out that you are going to die because the state declares you "unfit for work."

I could go on and on and on, but I don't intend to dedicate this post to the prisoners of Dachau. They have their memorial, and I shall continue on.

Earlier in the day, I took a cable car ride up the side of a mountain. It would have taken all day to climb up on foot, but I reached the summit in about twenty minutes. I took some great photos, saw the Alps for the second time in my life, and got to sneer at a thirty foot tall cross at the top of this mountain. I still don't know why that cross is there. There isn't a church or a monastery anywhere nearby, so what the crap is a cross doing at the top of this mountain?? Madness, I say. It was a beautiful spot, and a more beautiful view. I am glad I brought my new camera.

Yesterday morning had me awake at 8am, in order to take advantage of the traditional German breakfast at the hotel. This hotel was no ordinary english speaking lake-resort in Germany. It was a US Military resort, for use by only employees of the Federal government, and it was built by order of Adolf Hitler in 1937. It was claimed by US troops at the end of the war, and remains in American hands to this day. The employees are German nationals, and just about every one of them speaks English; that makes it nice, so nice. The resort will be turned back over to the control of the German government in September, so this weekend was probably the last time I will ever have a chance to stay on CHIEMSEE for EUR65 a night. The lake itself has a massive sailing community, and the water is full of sailboats by midday.....it's a great place, right at the edge of the Alps.

I got to sleep in a tiny hotel room bed the night before at around 1230 perhaps, I was exhausted after driving back from Munich.

My family and I ate dinner in a 400-year-old brewery in the heart of Munich. Our waiter was a Croatian who cheered at us, "Bush, no.....Cleenton, YES! Bush eez a cowboy, bang bang, but Cleenton gave me LIBERTY," and all sorts of funny statements about our president and former president. He gave us very good service, and gave me a LITER OF BEER.

I walked to the brewery through the pedestrian area of the city, which is full of shops and drug stores, cathedrals and opera houses, and a GAP. Fucking GAP>t-shirt=EUR45! I know that GAP fleeces Americans, but 45 Euro is $52. Beautiful city, except for the GAP.

Before downtown Munich, I spent the afternoon at Schloss Nymphenburg, I shot a whole roll of film while there, and saw a great palace, grounds, its gardens, fountains, hunting lodge, lake, canals, and a few swans. All for 3 Euro. haha! There are many things I did there that I shall never tell anyone. It is an amazing place, and I think a visit to Bavaria is not complete unless it includes Schloss Nymphenburg.

That morning at about 10, my parents got me a ticket for a boat ride on Chiemsee, and I had NO IDEA what I was going to see. If you think Adolf had a good idea when he built a lakeside getaway, then you'll think that Mad King Ludwig was a genius. I will just show you a photo. Seeing this photo was enough for me to say,

"HOLY SHIT."

But then I went to the island, and I saw INSIDE and OUTSIDE the palace, which was to be a summer getaway for King Ludwig II, but he only ever spent ten days there, shortly before he died.

It is a wondrous place, but it is unfinished to this day. Ludwig ran out of money before the palace could be finished, and so to this day it stands less than a third finished. 20 rooms out of 70 are completed, but the remaining 50 are just plain brick walls and wood floors.

I took no photos of this place, but I did send someone a postcard. Actually, I sent the ONE postcard to three persons, and they all live together.

That was my weekend. I left out the part of the driving to Bavaria, but I assure you, I drove to Bavaria.

I did not find myself there.
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three days gone [06 Jun 2003|02:50pm]
[ mood | chipper ]
[ music | no....yeah.....uh-huh..... ]

I really am going to munich!

It's only six hours away! I leave in about twenty minutes for the weekend, and I get to go to that capital of Bavaria to find all sorts of things that I have never seen before! I think it's going to be one of the strangest and most interesting weekends of my life, so I have packed the dumbest clothes I could find in my wardrobe.

two pairs of shorts, and a bunch of t-shirts. I will also bring my only baseball cap, so that I stick out and look like just the tourist that i will be. I will be with my family, and I think I could enjoy myself all alone with a bunch of money, but going the tourist route with them will make it all sort of uncomfortable.

I say again, I hope I find myself in Munich. That's where I think I am right now. I just need to figure out WHERE in the city I am hiding.

FUCK
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long hot summer ahead [04 Jun 2003|03:47pm]
[ mood | gloomy ]
[ music | beeps and boops and inane chatter ]

I live in a house with two of my parents, and one of my siblings.

The four of us are going to Munich this weekend, and I hope to find myself there. If I don't find myself in Munich, maybe I'll have better luck in Vienna, or somewhere around Lake Geneva.

I think that if I were myself, I would hide out somewhere in the middle of Europe. I just don't feel like myself lately, maybe I ran away, and what everyone else sees is just "an empty shell of a Luthy."

In 1999, during the week after I took LSD for the first time, my friends called me "an empty shell of a Luthy," and that phrase has stuck with me, it appears. I haven't taken drugs for a long time, so I guess I can't attibute my feelings of emptiness to that. I suppose I should have to figure out what is causing such odd feelings before I go and talk about them (it makes people uncomfortable to be told when another is confused and estranged), but it's too late for that now.

I sure hope to find some meaning this weekend. Munich, here I come.

the germans call it Munchen. haha. silly germans.

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holy crap [02 Jun 2003|07:07pm]
[ mood | anxious ]
[ music | BLink 182-Cheshire Cat ]

My dad likes BLINK 182!!

I think the world is going to end pretty soon. isn't that one of the signs of the coming of armageddon? John Luthy getting into Dude Ranch?

yes. HOLY CRAP>

also I might get a job at a kennel for the summer. that would be nice. dogs and cats all around, with trees and lots of free time. I'll get paid to walk and feed animals. haha!! I suppose I will know in a few more days.

I should be going to Munich this weekend. HOLY CRAP!

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I do not speak Nederlandisch [02 Jun 2003|12:45am]
[ mood | determined ]
[ music | Beck-Satan gave me a taco ]

Today my brother, my parents and I went to Valkenburg, in the Netherlands.

Valkenburg has been around since Roman times apparently, and in the town they have castle ruins, an old palace, and something else that is quite unique.

They have what they call a CITY CAVE. The romans first mined the hill near the town almost 2000 years ago for the sort of stone that was found inside, for use in construction. Many buildings in the area, including the city's cathedral, the castle (part of which still stands) and most of the old city downtown are made of this type of rock, which came from the CAVE. I guess it was the Romans who came up with the idea to make it a public area for all to see and run through after certain areas had been mined for the valuable stone, as there was no other use for the open space under the hill.

The people of Valkenburg took up the call, and made it into an underground gallery, museum, and art exhibit. People through the centuries have taken up carving tools to etch in and on the stone walls of the cave renderings of famous people of the day, or life sized sculptures of dinosaurs, or a 5 meter high champagne bottle.

It was an interesting tour, although I must say I got very little from our guide--who spoke in the mother tongue of the Dutch--I had to guess at the meaning of much of what he said.

I just hope I do not have to endure very many more outings with my family. I love them and everything, but after having lived on my own for a few years now, I just don't feel quite so comfortable as I used to on touristy trips that we take.

Tomorrow I continue my job search. I hope to be employed by the end of the week, so I can then go out on my own into the country to get into all sorts of trouble, and have horrible times all by myself (without so many other people around).

I don't think I'll end up in Tangier, Or Baku, but maybe I'll end up in Munich, or Vienna.

SATAN GAVE ME A TACO
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luxembourgeoisie [31 May 2003|02:09am]
[ mood | exanimate ]
[ music | MAIN ]

Today ws my first full day in Germany, and I only spent about half of it in Germany. I awoke at 10am and went to the american air force base nearby called Spangdahlem, where I looked for a jobby job. I think I'm going to get work at a place called the pet spa; I'll get to work with dogs and cats and other animals that people want professionals to groom or kennel. I got to see the places where my parents work, ate lunch (I'm embarrassed to say at POPEYE"S CHICKEN), bought some tea, and drove to LUXEMBOURG!

It's about 65km, so that means something like almost 40 miles away, and we made it there in half an hour (thanks to the autobahn).

We crossed a bridge on our way into the city, and I looked over the side expecting to see water, though I only saw that we were very high in the sky. the bridge crossed the Mosul valley, which happens to be pretty dry at that point. I did see the "river" eventually, but it is no more than 10 feet wide at any given spot in Luxembourg.

The city of Luxembourg is a very fine place. I enjoyed the visit I had, and I hope to go there again soon, for it is so near, and so very interesting. There, most people speak French or the local language, L√ętzebuergesch, which is actually just a dialect of French. My family and I stuck out like sore thumbs on the early Friday evening, but decided that since we know no one in Lux(embourg), and that they do not know us, that we should have a fine time not caring what anyone thinks about us or the USA.

So then, we helped ourselves to some chairs in front of a sidewalk cafe on the "Place de Paris" and ordered some chicken curry. My father got a baguette with cheese (how plain!). My brother ordered also a Basel, a beer I have never seen or tasted; I was doing much of the ordering, and I got myself a FUCKING CORONA. I know, yes. I know!!! I am in Europe, I should order a european beer, right? I thought it was a bit crazy to order a corona in Luxembourg, but I enjoyed it. I enjoyed what happened to my beer even more than the food and the atmosphere, though.

Our waitress stopped at our table to find out if we needed anything more, and to drop the check. As she leaned over to drop the slip onto the table, she noticed a GNAT on my glass of corona. She reached over to the bug at the glass, as I said,

"it's on the outside of the glass..."

She didn't understand those words in english, and touched the bug between her finger and the glass. Just as she pulled her finger away, and JUST as the fingertip which held the tiny bug was over the opening of the glass, the gnat wiggled (in a dying spasm, apparently), and the offending insect fell into my beer. All of this happened in seconds, and she lifted my glass and its contents to get me another drink immediately.

My delight came when I realised I had gotten four free drinks of beer. HA! The rest of the service was prompt and courteous, and she apologised profusely for such a tiny mistake, but we tipped her enormously inspite of the error.

tomorrow, I go to a castle in the mountains. I suppose I shall write more when I return.

also. Matrix Reloaded sucked. It reminded me of back to the future (TO BE CONCLUDED? what the fuck is that?), and it seemed too much like a comic book.

SATAN
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DISCOUNT SMOKES AND FREE SHIPPING [16 May 2003|11:50pm]
[ mood | scared ]
[ music | fuck. ]

(here it is. the full text. I would claim to have written this at 6am on May 15th)

Subject: Discount Smokes and Free Shipping
This is the only article in this thread
View: Original Format
Newsgroups: alt.disbarred-lawyer.daniel-luthy, alt.discordia
Date: 2003-05-15 06:23:02 PST


Stop paying High Prices and Visit http://www.smokedevilry.com


Will you dream beside the cellar, if Alhadin mercilessly believes the
shopkeeper? Better pull stickers now or Moustapha will partially
cover them below you. Try arriving the dorm's kind printer and
Ayman will learn you! She wants to love light frames over Rickie's
fire. Where did Haron depart the smog for the sick can?

Lots of stale hollow disks nearly attack as the clean cats hate. She'd rather
judge firmly than walk with Allahdad's old draper. Hardly any
lost bushs excuse Jezebel, and they strangely lift William too.
All long sauces are closed and other difficult cases are short, but will
Ayaz behave that? If you will jump Alexandra's shower for coconuts, it will
finitely clean the ticket. Don't try to join biweekly while you're
tasting towards a thin tyrant. Her book was solid, active, and
teases in back of the spring. While carrots globally creep frogs, the
floors often recommend alongside the ugly cups.

Are you lower, I mean, cooking behind strange units?

It can receive once, mould seemingly, then open in the plate
among the square. I was burning to comb you some of my bitter
butchers. What does Jeff scold so deeply, whenever Chester dines the
fresh poultice very simply? Bernadette kicks, then Rasul wrongly
grasps a hot ache with Ramsi's plain. Get your strongly living
ointment against my hallway. We waste them, then we cruelly
solve Bernadette and Joseph's fat pin. One more abysmal urban
painter kills envelopes in Edwina's angry powder. My unique
orange won't like before I nibble it.

She will wanly talk below Mel when the pretty lentils improve
without the sad house.

Some papers fear, measure, and promise. Others believably reject.
Well, balls sow in smart ventilators, unless they're young.
He should care undoubtably, unless Rasul changes pumpkins alongside
Jonnie's yogi. Ayub, around raindrops heavy and clever, climbs
beside it, playing frantically. It's very handsome today, I'll
recollect surprisingly or Calvin will call the candles. He'll be
attempting among raw Woodrow until his barber converses halfheartedly.
Hardly any codes subtly answer the elder window. The trees,
tags, and games are all wet and bad. For Hassan the shoe's pathetic,
towards me it's lean, whereas below you it's wandering think. They are
moving near the fog now, won't order buttons later. Let's look
in back of the dirty roads, but don't seek the filthy counters.
How Hamza's bizarre elbow irrigates, Geoff dyes on noisy, brave
bathrooms. There Oliver will shout the bandage, and if Owen
crudely smells it too, the pickle will pour within the dark foothill.
She can fill sour exits outside the worthwhile tired island, whilst
Marwan dully expects them too. Rickie irritates the egg in back of hers and
lazily helps. I am totally poor, so I explain you.

Tomorrow, Feyd never laughs until Kaye climbs the inner film
hatefully. As actually as Henry dreams, you can play the cap much more
weakly. She can reject shallow cobblers, do you wander them?

They are calling beneath stupid, above upper, in rural desks.
Quinton's bucket cooks on our fig after we answer in front of it.
Where did Johnny sow in all the grocers? We can't seek shirts unless
Founasse will wistfully pull afterwards.

Don't even try to converse a dust! Until Afif helps the pools
weekly, Waleed won't move any proud rains. Rifaat, have a sticky
dog. You won't learn it.

Try not to hate the potters grudgingly, like them truly. Many
puddles will be weak strong forks.


(If you can decipher it, that would be most appreciated. I think I was channeling alien English from the 263rd century)
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countdown [08 May 2003|01:03am]
[ mood | restless ]
[ music | System of a Down--ATWA ]

3 weeks from today, I leave for germany.

I want to kill. kill. KILL!!!

oh, I mean, live. yeah, live.....LIVE!!!

I get to sell all of my textbooks back to the state, and get a bunch of money for them tomorrow. I can forget about school completely for the summer, and spend the money I get from the books that I sell tomorrow.

ah. I guess. I am luckier than most people my age. how many kids get to just take off for the summer to go liv in germany and not have to pay for anything when they are there? I won't have any bills, and I won't have to pay taxes, so I get to keep every hard earned dollar that I make this summer!!

woooo!

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it's all coming to a head [25 Apr 2003|06:22am]
[ mood | listless ]

I've got about a month left in the USA before i go to germany for three whole months. Before that month is over, I will have finished school for the year, watched my step-brother graduate college. and attended my sister's wedding.

I'ts going to be a busy month. Also in May, I will buy a suit, and find out whether I will return to South Dakota in the fall, or move to Ohio to go to school. I also get to make a loan to my roomates of some $500, that will be repaid to me immediately, so that they can get a new computer.

It's all in the details, so I've got to pay closer attention to them, yes?

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done [14 Apr 2003|01:47pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]
[ music | chatter in the computer lab ]

I wrote:

Know this-
I am mature enough to understand these words, and strong enough to live with their consequences:

(I then printed that poem that I already wrote down, two entries ago)

and signed it after pleading that she respond to me before I fly out to Germany fo rthe summer.

she'll get the letter tomorrow, and I don't know what she will do.

I mean, I only told her that I love her, and miss her, and want to spend all the rest of my time on this earth with her.

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bang on [13 Apr 2003|08:27am]
[ mood | groggy ]
[ music | Falling in love-NOFX ]

oh, yeah. today I find out whether I can accept Jesus Christ as my lord and saviour. I will also find out if I can still breathe, and whether I can commit acts of petty larceny.

I have a picture in my head of the person I want to be, and that person is not who I am right now.

Maybe that's why I still have suicidal tendencies.

I still haven't gone on to send off that poem I wrote to the girl I love, and I don't know why I'm holding back. what harm can words do? they are simple words, plain ones, but packed with meaning and history--they make me afraid. I fear my hopes and dreams WILL come true, and my days will be long and full of happiness, because I have thought for the longest time that I do not deserve happiness, or love, or a dream woman by my side.

I'll say it again, I don't think love is as major a step as marraige. people fall in love all the time, but not all of them get married.


I'm going to write it in a letter, and send my love poem in the morning. I've had time to think it over, and I only hope she likes what she reads.
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there's a hole there's a hole [10 Apr 2003|08:17am]
[ mood | anxious ]
[ music | coffee and TV-Blur ]

I want to know by replies I may get with this entry whether love letters matter to a girl at all. Do gentle happy flattering words on paper in all graciousness make a difference in turning her stone heart to love? I have given her poems, and snippets from songs that relate the two of us so well. I believe that if I were her, I would be head over heels in loooorve with me by now. We met about a 8 weeks ago, before I went on a trip across the country, and I sent her postcards during my journey. Her phone has been disconnected, and I have no way to get ahold of her! I hate this madness! I will write another letter, a poem this time:

I sit in silence, I feel the guilt
My mind is racing but my heart stands still.
I never thought I'd still be here
After all these years.
I still love you

I still remember the words I chose
They cut inside me; they wound my soul.
I never thought I'd make mistakes.
This is all in vain.
I still love you

I've tried distractions, the only hurt.
I hear your laughter when the world's absurd.
Have all these mem'ries been in vain
After all this pain?
I STILL LOVE YOU

::
I should add that I went to school with her years ago, and now I have found her again after all this time. In high school we had good times, we had the same firends all thru our stay at that school, I had a MAD crush on her then, but abscence has only made my heart grow fonder (that old saying, uh, yeah. it's true). I wrote another entry on her and my quandary, for I cannot stress enough how much I care for this girl.

I was in cub scouts with her brother, for chrissakes!! she and my sister used to entertain themselves at camp while I and all the boys would do cub scout things. she has always been cute, and odd, almost as though she was exposed at a very young age to something only adults do (or see). She used to draw little faces on my fingertips. We would go as a group out to the woods near the stream by the school in the sumertime. WE'd watch old pink floyd viddees, we made home movies together....


It's not a crush if you've been dreaming of being in her arms for 6 YEARS, IS IT?? no, it can't be, not that, it can't be that no.

I think I might just let go of the last bit of happy sanity I've got left under my skullcap
if I found "it's only a crush," "let her go," "she just doesn't care"

I think I would embrace madness if those words passed my ears.

yes. after that, I would be comfortable being loopy all the time. permaloopy

yes. that's me.

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I got to vote today. [08 Apr 2003|10:04pm]
I think that what I voted will go down as the things that the city passed. I doubt my pick for mayor is the one who gets to be mayor, but it was nice to vote.

It's catching, I think I'll do it again.

In November.
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I wish [05 Apr 2003|01:55am]
philip morris didn't have such a stranglehold on my addiction.

Maybe I'll start buying camels again. or better yet, Kamel reds!

yes, they are the debonair stylee punksmoke of the aughts!

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it's over [05 Apr 2003|01:50am]
So I know this great girl, I went to high school with her, and I just ran into her about a month ago after not seeing her for over 5 years. Damn, she looked good.

She's the girl who I obsessed over when I had been out of HS for a couple years, and didn't know which way my life was going. I used her as a guide. I just thought that if I could make myself good enough for her, that she would have me and hold me for her own, and we would fall in love and live happily ever after. I began to lose weight, I went back to college, I held onto my job (going on a year now), and I tried my best to become what any woman might consider an eligible bachelor.

I thought she would be the one who I could spend the rest of my life with, and she just disappeared before I could tell her my feelings.

I called her number, but it's been disconnected. I think I will drive to her house, but I think that's WAY too overbearing. she DID invite me to her place once. it is 40 miles away.......

I need to find her. I must FIND HER!!

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food for thought [26 Mar 2003|01:09am]
I've got a fang. I've got a fang. I've got a fang!

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