aleXandria's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]
aleXandria

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[ calendar | blurty calendar ]

New Journal [09 Apr 2004|02:32pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]
[ music | tv ]

been a while... sooo much has happened... including that i HATE chris

but anyway new journal if you wanna keep up on me:
--New Journal--

xxx
aleX

heal me

New Journal [09 Apr 2004|02:32pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]
[ music | tv ]

been a while... sooo much has happened... including that i HATE chris

but anyway new journal if you wanna keep up on me:
--New Journal--

xxx
aleX

1 scars gone heal me

down [28 Dec 2003|04:43pm]
[ mood | loved ]
[ music | Suga Suga ]

the last few days have been pretty uneventfull... i might go to my cousin Melonie's tomorrow... and she can drive so we wont have to be stuck at the house. i went to my grandfathers house today for a "party". it was really gay and boring but my aunt was there and she told me that Josh has been asking about me... and she also said something that shocked me. she said that josh and i were really close and that i meant the world to him. i mean i understand hes had a crush on me for a few years.... and i also understand that i did say that i would be in a long distance relationship with him and not cheat. and he did say that he would stop doing drugs and not cheat either... but i mean that was months ago. i hope he still doesnt think that we are going out... thats a little gay. hes sweet and all but just not my type. chris is the sexy beast for me lol.
i miss chris alot and i cant wait to see him when i get home. somethings sorta freak me out about him tho... well not really freak me out but make me think... hes not the most romantic guy in the world and im like afraid that if eventually we do decided to have sex then it wouldnt mean anything to him... well i know it would mean something to him but would it matter to him that i was his first? and if i told him i was in love with him, would he get it?
caleb and i are talking now. hes being so sweet. he still really really likes me. or loves me i cant decide which. infact he told me in a letter that maybe when we get older we could date and maybe eventually get married! i mean WOAH most guys NEVER think about marrage at this age! thats a girl thing, but it was really cute. i have to admit i still have feelings for him, i mean he was the first guy to actually really care about me, my first kiss, and most of all my first love. i know it crazy to fall in love when your 14 but i really believe it happened. and it was meant to happen. maybe hes right.... maybe someday...

i wanna write a book... but i really dont think that what i write about would appeal to anyone else in the world. i dunno, ill think about it some more later.
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bored [24 Dec 2003|09:10pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]
[ music | fountains of wayne -:- bought for a song ]

i so damn bored... i just got the fountains of wayne cd.... its like country. i was like what the fuck... wheres the rock? lol anyway... i didnt do much today besides my stepmom's family came over for dinner and are STILL HERE... oh and chris had this other girl in his profile and it said shit like "she is so sexy and perfect" i was like ok... but whatever. he was gunna call me about 15 min ago too, and still hasnt. he probably wont. i dunno, he says he cares about me so much but sometimes it really just doesnt seem like it. and his goddamn fuckin ex girlfriend wont fuck off either. shes always callin him and talkin to him at school. i sware she calls every night and if he doesnt answer she'll call back every five minutes until he does. its like shes obsessed or something.

chris just called... what a surprise... write more later
<33 aleX

heal me

life in the past 5 months: [23 Dec 2003|10:09pm]
[ mood | blah ]
[ music | Foolish Games :: Jewel ]

WOW so much has gone by!
*1 X cody
*2 grandma died :-\
*3 cruise #2
*4 <3 Chris
*5 FIANLS ARE OVER!

*1: yeah i dumped cody

*2: my grandma died :( my mom had been pretty depressed about that. and its been stressful for me too...

*3: MY CRUISE ROCKED... but the first one was better... i missed caleb ALOT.... it wasnt the same without him... BUT he might come to visit for his birthday!!!!

*4: <33CHRIS<33 my BABY hes soooo great! i love that kid so damn much! hes to funny and sweet and NOT TO MENTION... he got me a Tiffany & Co. Necklace for christmas!! i was SCHOCKED! its sooo georgous!

*5: Self-explanitory


HUNTER: YOU'RE A DIRTY LIL BASTARD! but you know i <3 ya! ;)

heal me

goodbye again [20 Oct 2003|12:00am]
[ mood | confused ]
[ music | tv ]

yeah... once again i have to say goodbye. tonight is my last night. again. i'll miss writing in here :(

hunter and i talked again. he really doesnt want to hurt me by like breaking my heart or anything so we are just gunna be friends for a while, and i agree. i dont what him to feel he has to watch his every step around me though, cuz thats just dumb. man, i didnt plan on liking someone like this. but i do. i admit it ok! I LIKE HUNTER. blah.... what the fuck am i gunna do. my life is so complicated! ugh oh well...
yeah i really have to go to bed now.
nite
lyl xox
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hmm... what to do... [19 Oct 2003|07:36pm]
[ mood | cold ]
[ music | silence ]

on tuesday im braking up with cody, its over.

i've just started talking to this guy hunter... hes a real sweetie. he has a girlfriend tho, but hes gunna brake up with her so i guess we are going through the same stuff...
he says he really likes me and (although its really hard to admit) the more i talk to him the more and more i like him. hes seems to actually care about me, but im still gunna be careful, i mean lots of guys have SEEMED like they cared about me, but they didnt. he knows about my cutting. its funny, ive only told guys at school, no girls, i guess cuz they would just think im some big freak, which i guess i am.
tonight is my last night so i better go spend some more time wiht my daddy...
write more later
lyl xox
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quizzers [19 Oct 2003|05:40pm]
[ mood | blank ]
[ music | girls not grey - A.F.I. ]

some crazy shit has happened today... i'll write all about it later tonight. i go home tomorrow :(

mascra girl
Wow, you do have it rough. I can see why you are
such a depressed person, but cheer up! I'm your
friend!


Are you depressed or just complain too much?
brought to you by Quizilla

heal me

more about me in the last 3 months [17 Oct 2003|03:24pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]
[ music | clouds ]

oh yeah... i finally got my cell phone and i re-highlighted my hair and it was like orange blonde so i got it fixed by darkening it... so now i have brownish hair with a bunch of little blonde highlights everywhere... it looks really natural. i love it!
our kitten is soooooo adorable! we actually named her Mittens. shes the sweetest thing ever! i cant wait to breed her! she is gunna have the sweetest kittens.

i almost got my first detention yesterday because i got caught chewing gum... but instead i just paid a dollar (the dollar went to the school not to Mr. Scheuer). thanks to Mike D. he said "i got you covered" and gave me the dollar. i love that kid hes so funny! hes alot like josh... who i havent talked to in like 2 months because the last thing he said to me was "fuck you". yeah hes in the DAWG HOUSE. but mike wouldnt do something like that... hes a good little catholic boy, who hasnt even kissed a girl yet im sure! hes a real cutie too... i wouldnt mind hookin up with him in the future... maybe when we're like juniors or something. but im SURE he wouldnt want to hook up with me. i can just tell that im not his type. oh well...
alright i havent been on this site in MONTHS! i have to see whats been goin on in my communities so i'll write more later.
lyl xox
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wow been a longg time [17 Oct 2003|02:11pm]
[ mood | happy ]
[ music | i need some! ]

hey everyone! its been sooo long sice ive written! im in maine for a 4 day weekend... then i'll be going back to florida so i wont be writing much... but anyway it would take me forever to write it all out so i'll just put the main facts in:
*i LOVE my new school
*i've lost 15 lbs
*i have a really sweet boyfriend (yesterday was our 1 month!!!)
*my mom and i are building a new house that totally kicks ass
*i have 5 A's and 2 B+'s
*i made the JV Basketball team!

thats all i cant think of right now but i'll write more later
lyl xox
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[19 Aug 2003|10:41pm]
[ mood | amused ]
[ music | hahahaha ]

been a long time!
miss you all!
write more tomorrow!
i <3 JD!
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1 scars gone heal me

last entry [03 Aug 2003|05:01am]
[ mood | sad ]
[ music | nothingness ]

we got the kitten yesterday, shes really pretty. we named her Footsie because she has an extra toe on each foot. she slept on my lap the whole 2 hours home. it was so cute. but its really sad i have to say goodbye to her already because im going home today. yes i am writing this at 5:05 in the morning, and yawning. so this is my last blurty entry for a while. i'll miss you all. thanks everyone for commenting and reading. see most of you soon. love!!
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[02 Aug 2003|01:28am]
[ mood | confused ]
[ music | cup of coffee - garbage ]

this is the first conversation that ive had with caleb in two months. here it is. i dont know why he left.

hisXlossXforever (11:58:40 PM): who is this?
DirtRdrGuy (11:58:50 PM): caleb who is this
hisXlossXforever (11:59:18 PM): oh sorry i cant talk to you bye
DirtRdrGuy (11:59:24 PM): y
DirtRdrGuy (12:00:42 AM): hello

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Auto response from hisXlossXforever (12:00:42 AM): im away... leave one
aleX<---
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DirtRdrGuy (12:00:50 AM): omg ALEX
DirtRdrGuy (12:01:11 AM): come back please i wanna talk to u so bad i havn;t been able to talk to u in like forever come backplease
DirtRdrGuy (12:01:18 AM): i wanna no how things are going come back
DirtRdrGuy (12:01:25 AM): COME BACK NOW please
DirtRdrGuy (12:03:01 AM): H
DirtRdrGuy (12:03:01 AM): E
DirtRdrGuy (12:03:02 AM): L
DirtRdrGuy (12:03:03 AM): L
DirtRdrGuy (12:03:05 AM): O
DirtRdrGuy (12:03:06 AM): C
DirtRdrGuy (12:03:08 AM): O
DirtRdrGuy (12:03:09 AM): M
DirtRdrGuy (12:03:11 AM): E
DirtRdrGuy (12:03:15 AM):
B
DirtRdrGuy (12:03:18 AM): A
DirtRdrGuy (12:03:19 AM): C
DirtRdrGuy (12:03:21 AM): K
hisXlossXforever (12:03:56 AM): what do you want
DirtRdrGuy (12:04:04 AM): omg thank
DirtRdrGuy (12:04:12 AM): why dont u talk to me ne more
DirtRdrGuy (12:04:53 AM): ???????????????????
hisXlossXforever (12:05:12 AM): it doesnt matter
DirtRdrGuy (12:05:33 AM): yea it does i have been trying to save money to come see u

DirtRdrGuy (12:06:04 AM): by working
hisXlossXforever (12:06:15 AM): why do you want to see me?
DirtRdrGuy (12:06:19 AM): omg i still haev all ur pics up around my house
hisXlossXforever (12:06:28 AM): dont do this caleb
hisXlossXforever (12:06:33 AM): dont do this to me
DirtRdrGuy (12:06:49 AM): i wanna see u bc u were like the coolest gril i met and i want to keep in touch so bad
DirtRdrGuy (12:07:13 AM): remember when i told u that one day that when i first got my lincens or we that i woudl dirve down to ur house
DirtRdrGuy (12:07:23 AM): well i still planed on doing it still


hisXlossXforever (12:07:30 AM): you hurt me, bad, ive been depressed this summer, but ive gotton better
hisXlossXforever (12:08:06 AM): i dont need you pitty, i dont need you to be concirned
DirtRdrGuy (12:08:38 AM): i ,kno ur mommy told me but the thing is that if i could be with u i would be ur so awsome but i guess u don;t wanna here about it
DirtRdrGuy (12:09:05 AM): do u >?
hisXlossXforever (12:09:14 AM): hear about what?
hisXlossXforever (12:09:20 AM): that you still like me?
hisXlossXforever (12:09:29 AM): becasue if you do then its total bull
DirtRdrGuy (12:09:31 AM): no i don;t like u but i want u as a friend so bad

DirtRdrGuy (12:10:26 AM): ?
hisXlossXforever (12:10:31 AM): the thing is caleb, i cant just be your friend, i have, no had feelings that were more then a friend, i cant change that, but i can forget about it
DirtRdrGuy (12:10:49 AM): ic
DirtRdrGuy (12:11:15 AM): but when my friends ask about me and my dad and mom ask about u i have to say i don;t no she don't talk to me ne more
DirtRdrGuy (12:11:24 AM): my dad is going to like that he noes ur alive
DirtRdrGuy (12:12:40 AM): i wrote ur mommy the other day
hisXlossXforever (12:12:44 AM): well my life has gotton better in the last week, i got this new boyfriend and hes helped me out alot
DirtRdrGuy (12:12:57 AM): thats good
DirtRdrGuy (12:13:15 AM): im happy for u thats what i want u to be is happy but i also want u to be my friend
hisXlossXforever (12:13:35 AM): if you came to visit me, it would be so weird
hisXlossXforever (12:13:52 AM): i mean it would just be...
hisXlossXforever (12:13:56 AM): different
DirtRdrGuy (12:14:06 AM): not really i would give u a big ass hug and look u in the eyes and cry for all the pain i put u in
DirtRdrGuy (12:14:12 AM): i don't no if i would cry but still
hisXlossXforever (12:14:40 AM): ha if you only knew the pain, you would cry to death
DirtRdrGuy (12:14:40 AM): i would love to et one of ur never ending hugs hehe i will never forget theday u left my house and did wanna let go :-D:'(
DirtRdrGuy (12:15:28 AM): well i told u im sorry but i no sorry isnt enogh
DirtRdrGuy (12:15:42 AM): but just as long as i have u as a friend i would love that so so so much
hisXlossXforever (12:16:05 AM): i dont know
hisXlossXforever (12:16:22 AM): i wrote this about you:
DirtRdrGuy (12:16:33 AM): k ????/
hisXlossXforever (12:16:36 AM): With the phone against my ear,
I hear the only words I fear.
I didn't matter to you,
Only the things I could do.
Tears washed over my eyes,
And ran down my face like a thousand flies.
I slowly walked towards my room,
Like a zombie towards the moon.
I sat on my bed,
Wishing we had never met.
Becasue then the waterfall came,
My tears flooded my room with no shame.
I was drowning in tears, pain and heartbrake.
I didnt want to believe the last six months were so fake.
I threw our picture that crashed against the wall,
Just like I felt when you told me I didnt matter at all.
I hated that I ever trusted you,
And that I fell in love too.
Because of all the things you've done to me,
I have come so clearly to see.
Your never getting me back,
And believe me baby, thats a true fact.
by aleX 6.30.03
DirtRdrGuy (12:17:49 AM): sorry
DirtRdrGuy (12:17:59 AM): well i guess not even friens
hisXlossXforever (12:18:05 AM): love sucks caleb, especially when the person you love doesnt love you back
DirtRdrGuy (12:18:17 AM): sorry
hisXlossXforever (12:18:39 AM): i dunno, id have to think about us being friends
DirtRdrGuy (12:20:33 AM): mmmmk well u think about it then get back to me
hisXlossXforever (12:20:47 AM): we have such a big past
DirtRdrGuy (12:21:30 AM): i kno
DirtRdrGuy (12:21:42 AM): and i don;t regeat on thing i thought i did but i don't now more i think about it
hisXlossXforever (12:23:00 AM): ive spent the whole summer trying to forget about you, now all the suddon you are back in my life and all the old memories are flowing in my head again, like old times
DirtRdrGuy (12:23:31 AM): yea i kno
DirtRdrGuy (12:25:31 AM): im sorry
DirtRdrGuy (12:25:39 AM): so do u even wanna talk ne more
hisXlossXforever (12:25:53 AM): im just trying to think
hisXlossXforever (12:26:39 AM): if you wanted to talk to me so bad why didnt you call me
DirtRdrGuy (12:26:47 AM): ########
hisXlossXforever (12:26:55 AM): my mom gave you the number for my dads house
hisXlossXforever (12:27:05 AM): she said she sent it in an email
DirtRdrGuy (12:27:12 AM): ook
DirtRdrGuy (12:27:17 AM): well then i will call tomarrow
hisXlossXforever (12:28:04 AM): i remember the last night we talked on the phone, the night i knew it was all over, you said you would call the next day, i knew you wouldnt, and i was right you didnt
DirtRdrGuy (12:29:08 AM): well sory
DirtRdrGuy (12:30:47 AM): did ya here im worken with horses
hisXlossXforever (12:30:56 AM): ya
hisXlossXforever (12:30:57 AM): i heard
hisXlossXforever (12:31:21 AM): did ya heard that i... nevermind
DirtRdrGuy (12:31:24 AM): yea its fing awsome
DirtRdrGuy (12:31:34 AM): that u what ?
hisXlossXforever (12:31:43 AM): i shouldn't tell you
DirtRdrGuy (12:32:14 AM): o well tell me
hisXlossXforever (12:32:24 AM): you cant tell anyone
DirtRdrGuy (12:32:29 AM): ok
hisXlossXforever (12:32:39 AM): remember that A that you did on your arm?
DirtRdrGuy (12:32:48 AM): yea
hisXlossXforever (12:33:03 AM): well i started doing that on my legs, but just slashes
DirtRdrGuy (12:33:14 AM): its still there and i look at it every day and say alex is still with me
DirtRdrGuy (12:33:18 AM): y the hell did u start that
hisXlossXforever (12:33:23 AM): dont tell anyone, ive stopped, now
hisXlossXforever (12:33:28 AM): because i was depressed
hisXlossXforever (12:33:36 AM): i was hurting
DirtRdrGuy (12:34:17 AM): well don;t do that ever again u here i will fly up there and knock the shit out of u if u want pain my god
DirtRdrGuy (12:34:23 AM): ur stupied
DirtRdrGuy (12:34:25 AM): lol
DirtRdrGuy (12:34:33 AM): i finsed it says alx
DirtRdrGuy (12:34:44 AM): no not really its just an a
hisXlossXforever (12:34:57 AM): mine are
hisXlossXforever (12:35:00 AM): ______________
hisXlossXforever (12:35:02 AM): _______
hisXlossXforever (12:35:04 AM): ________
DirtRdrGuy (12:35:05 AM): and my mommy said whats that triangle doing on ur arm i was like um it was at school when it happend
hisXlossXforever (12:35:06 AM): ___-
DirtRdrGuy (12:35:10 AM): ur stupied
hisXlossXforever (12:35:14 AM): ___
hisXlossXforever (12:35:45 AM): i was just trying to relieve the pain
hisXlossXforever (12:35:52 AM): thats what some people do
hisXlossXforever (12:35:59 AM): its called Self Mutilation
DirtRdrGuy (12:36:03 AM): o thats gay
hisXlossXforever (12:36:31 AM): some people bruise or scrach themselves
hisXlossXforever (12:36:34 AM): but i cut
hisXlossXforever (12:36:38 AM): well i DID
DirtRdrGuy (12:36:48 AM): well u need to stop
hisXlossXforever (12:36:50 AM): i dont any more
DirtRdrGuy (12:38:12 AM): k good
hisXlossXforever (12:39:08 AM): im going home on sunday
hisXlossXforever (12:39:13 AM): back to florida
DirtRdrGuy (12:39:19 AM): awsome
DirtRdrGuy (12:39:30 AM): blow me a kiss when u fly by my house
hisXlossXforever (12:39:35 AM): cant
DirtRdrGuy (12:39:46 AM): jk
hisXlossXforever (12:42:21 AM): did you even think about me this summer
hisXlossXforever (12:42:38 AM): i mean its been 2 months since we talked
DirtRdrGuy (12:42:52 AM): um yea at work when i was taking pople out on trail when i look at my arm
DirtRdrGuy (12:43:08 AM): and said alex wonder if she is doing what im doing now
hisXlossXforever (12:43:32 AM): no i dont do trail rides, i work, and then ride
DirtRdrGuy (12:43:50 AM): o ic
DirtRdrGuy (12:43:58 AM): what all u guys do

hisXlossXforever (12:44:26 AM): what do you mean?
DirtRdrGuy (12:45:47 AM): like work
DirtRdrGuy (12:45:56 AM): what all do u do when u work
hisXlossXforever (12:46:18 AM): waters, feed set ups, sweep, rake, bring horses in and out, groom
hisXlossXforever (12:46:44 AM): clean stalls
DirtRdrGuy (12:46:44 AM): o i c do they have trials
hisXlossXforever (12:46:48 AM): no
hisXlossXforever (12:47:38 AM): its just an english barn, they teach Dressage, Cross Country, and Show Jumping
DirtRdrGuy (12:47:53 AM): c
DirtRdrGuy (12:50:00 AM): u like it there
hisXlossXforever (12:50:14 AM): ya
DirtRdrGuy (12:51:49 AM): do ujumop
hisXlossXforever (12:52:03 AM): yeah, thats my favorite
DirtRdrGuy (12:54:17 AM): how high
hisXlossXforever (12:54:45 AM): well because i have only been able to ride older horses i have only been able to just 2'6
hisXlossXforever (12:55:00 AM): but im jumping higher this year
DirtRdrGuy (12:55:13 AM): ic
hisXlossXforever (12:58:36 AM): im crying
DirtRdrGuy (12:59:01 AM): y are u doin that
hisXlossXforever (12:59:16 AM): because i dont know what to do caleb
DirtRdrGuy (1:00:04 AM): about what
hisXlossXforever (1:00:13 AM): us
DirtRdrGuy (1:01:10 AM): us what
hisXlossXforever (1:02:17 AM): if i can be your friend
DirtRdrGuy (1:03:43 AM): well don't cry over that
hisXlossXforever (1:05:52 AM): you cried saying goodbye to me
hisXlossXforever (1:06:00 AM): dont cry over that
DirtRdrGuy (1:06:47 AM): to late
DirtRdrGuy (1:06:48 AM): hehe
DirtRdrGuy (1:08:55 AM): u stop crying
hisXlossXforever (1:09:31 AM): ya, my makeup is smudging
DirtRdrGuy (1:09:48 AM): lol u don;t need makeup
DirtRdrGuy (1:09:58 AM): u always look beatuiful
hisXlossXforever (1:10:00 AM): i do
hisXlossXforever (1:10:02 AM): whatever
DirtRdrGuy (1:10:21 AM): mmmmmmk
hisXlossXforever (1:10:40 AM): if you want to be just my friend you know that mean im never kissing you again, or anything else
hisXlossXforever (1:11:01 AM): means**
DirtRdrGuy (1:11:08 AM): thats stright
hisXlossXforever (1:11:10 AM): good
DirtRdrGuy (1:13:32 AM): so ne ways
hisXlossXforever (1:14:14 AM): plus i cant cheat on my boyfriend
DirtRdrGuy (1:14:29 AM): thats stright
DirtRdrGuy signed off at 1:18:05 AM.

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KITTIE! [01 Aug 2003|09:35pm]
[ mood | excited ]
[ music | the sound of rain ]

Tomorrow my dad, stepmom and i are all driving 2 hours away to get a kitten! My dad said i could get a kitten if it was the way he liked it. He wanted a black/gray tiger double paws (6 toes on each foot) in front and back. so we finally found one and we are goign to check it out tomorrow. im really excided, but what sucks is im leaving the next day so i wont be able to spend much time with it. oh well... i'll just have more to look forward to when i come.
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my long, exciting week [01 Aug 2003|03:56pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]
[ music | A.F.I. ]

I havn't written much in a long time. so this is gunna be a long one:

On tuesday josh came over and first he played a CD his band had made. it was pretty awesome. and then we walked to the beach. he talked about all of the stuff that went on that year. i even told him about caleb. once we got back we decided to play pool in the basement. by then i got a bit more flirtatious. i was just trying to see if he liked me the way i had liked him since we were little. well he did because he kissed me. he was a great kisser. very soft, sweet. we were both very nervous because this was what we had wanted to do for so long. that night i asked him what he concidered me. he said "a really awesome, awesome girlfriend". so it was final. i was finally going out with him. but to tell the truth i didnt think i was gunna be going out with him before i saw him that morning. i figured we would just have the "friends with benifits" thing. i didnt know i would like him the way i did.

On Wednesday i had work. it was the last day for this summer. and it wasnt bad. then when my mom came to pick me up she said that we were going to pick up josh so he could go to the Lobster Fest with my dad, my step-mom, and i. i was FREAKING OUT. i mean i was all nasty from working at the barn all day. i did NOT want him to see me the way i was. but i had to deal so i just put on some makeup and set my saddle in the middle so he wouldnt be able to see me good when he got in.

I took a shower when i got home and got ready to go to the Fest. When we got there Josh knew EVERYONE. almost every person we walked by he knew. and most of them were his stoner friends. because of the deal i made with him the night before (i wont hurt myself if he doesnt do drugs) he was telling all of his friend that he had quit. it was pretty dissapointing to see that he was getting NO support. no one believed him. no one. i just kept telling him i was there for him. and he just needed to be strong. he calmed down(he hadnt taken his Prozak in a few days) and then we went on the Feris Wheel. that was a surreal experience. we were at the TOP, you could see every thing. it was so beautiful. and we kissed. we kissed hundreds of feet in the air. i'll never forget it.

That night my dad decided to be concerned about me for the first time in his life and said we had to go to bed because he was and we couldnt be unsupervised. i was pretty pissed but just went to bed anyway. i was going to sneak back up about an hour later but i had fallen asleep.

The next day i mowed the lawn and then took a shower and hung out with josh. he kept on telling me how much he was going to miss me. i wanted to say it back but i didnt. im still not letting myself get attached. i dont want to get hurt again. i wouldnt be able to take it. that afternoon my dad said he would take us to Long Cove Quory. that was nice. the water was freezing at first but i got used to it. my dad finished swimming and josh and i decided to swim a bit more. we went to one side were you could climb up on some rocks and my dad couldnt see us. thats were we had our last kiss. then we jumped back in a swam back to my dad. on the way to joshs house i was just being very quiet. i hate goodbyes but i always act like they dont bother me. when we got there, i just smiled and said goodbye like it was no big deal. i might see him tomorrow, but really, i dont want to. i dont want to say goodbye again. once is enough.

That day i had showed him my poems. he liked them, and when i showed him the one i wrote about caleb he asked who it was about. i said "guess" and he immediatly said "caleb, wow, he really put you through alot didnt he." yeah he did. a LOT. but im trying to forget him and now with josh to think about it seems to be getting easier everyday. someday maybe i'll ask myself "who's caleb again?"

Today Caron from the barn too Tanya and I to see Seabiscuit. that was a cool movie. lots of beautiful horses. then after we had ice cream. it was the first time this week i had eaten before dinner. i know thats all gunna change when i get back to florida, my mom is gunna be wicked nosey and make sure i eat every meal.

Speaking of going back to florida, when i get back living with my mom, and i use her computer, i wont be able to write in here anymore. she doesnt know about this journal and i know if she did she would die. because its a journal on the internet that ANYONE could see. ugh... so you wont get updates but maybe once a month, when i get over to a friends house that has internet. im really gunna miss writing in here and seeing what my friends write. i'll miss you all, but just know: im not gone, and im not forgeting to think about you.

Tomorrow is my last day in maine for the summer. i start school in 10 days :( yet :) im exicited to get back into LIFE and friends and school. when i get back my mom, kiera's mom, kiera and i are all going to the International Mall for school. im really excited, especially to see kiera again. we have totally missed eachother. and this year at mooney is gunna rock. i also need to set up a time to meet up with amanda, as soon as possible. i havent seen her in FOREVER and i really miss her too. then i get to kick josh b. for not talking to me. hehe. but then of course im gunna hug him so hard he cant breathe. man i love that guy, no matter what he does.

Well thats been my week, and thats probably the longest entry ive ever written. lots more tomorrow.
love you all, ^_^
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heal me

[30 Jul 2003|12:12am]
[ mood | surprised ]
[ music | Dashboard Confessional ]

i have a boyfriend

thats really weird to say


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heal me

[29 Jul 2003|03:10pm]
High society wedding
What's Your Wedding Style?

brought to you by Quizilla
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heal me

YAY [29 Jul 2003|02:59pm]
[ mood | excited ]
[ music | Blink-182 ]

omg....

JOSH IS COMING OVER IN EXACTLY 30 MINUTES!!!



i'll keep you updated ;)
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heal me

[28 Jul 2003|11:02pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]
[ music | Degrassi Theme Song. I love this show... ]

woah long day. not much to say. josh could have come over TODAY, but of course i had fucking WORK. damnit.
ok so im going on a diet! all protien/1 meal a day thing. and i made a deal with zach that i have something in the morning... so i chose 1/2 glass of orange juice. yippee. plus (although i DISPISE it) im going to run, and work my abs off. lol, yes abs. im getting them super tight for when i get home to get my belly done... although amanda doesnt want her's done anymore... maybe kiera will get it done with me, since she wants her's.... lol JUST IN TIME FOR CMHS!!!

HAHAHAH i was reading the rules today... one of them is soo stupid:
Boys may NOT ware makeup or nail polish at any time.

poor guys... they must be so dissapointed. heh okay, gunna take a quiz now...
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4 scars gone heal me

I'll Give You Twenty Bucks If You Read This Whole Thing [27 Jul 2003|04:57pm]
[ mood | bored ]
[ music | Green Day ]

HAVE YOU EVER:
1. KISSED YOUR COUSIN: yes >:)
2. RAN AWAY: tried
3. PICTURED YOUR CRUSH NAKED: duh
4. ACTUALLY SEEN YOUR CRUSH NAKED: not all the way...
5. BROKEN SOMEONE'S HEART: yes... poor poor pierre
6. BEEN IN LOVE: usfortunally yes
7. CRIED WHEN SOMEONE DIED: i think... i was young
8. WANTED SOMEONE YOU KNEW YOU COULDN'T HAVE: too many times
9. BROKEN A BONE: again too many times
10. DRANK ALCOHOL: well sorta... but never gotton drunk... and i wont either! (i hope)
11. LIED: yep
12. CRIED IN SCHOOL: uh... lets not go there

WHICH IS BETTER:
13. COKE OR PEPSI: coke
14. SPRITE OR 7UP: sprite
15. GIRLS OR GUYS: guys
16. FLOWERS OR CANDY: flowers
17. SCRUFF OR CLEAN SHAVEN: clean (ew i hated kissing caleb when he hadnt shaved ew ew ew)
18. QUIET OR LOUD: loud
19. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES: if your talking about guys then deffinatly BROWN i hate blondes now... thats all i've ever dated... im sick of them... blah they are boing anyway
20. BITCHY OR SLUTTY: bitchy... more people wont like her that way
21. TALL OR SHORT: tall
22. PANTS OR SHORTS: pants... i hate my legs

WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX:
23. WHAT DO YOU NOTICE FIRST: eyes/lips
24. LAST PERSON YOU SLOW DANCED WITH: ewwwwwwww what was his name... omg i forgot... starts with an S... SETH thats it! ew he was sooo gross. damn you kiera for making me damn with him
25. WORST THING TO DO: lead someone on after so long

THE LAST TIME:
26. SHOWERED: yesterday
27. HAD SEX: never
28. HAD A GREAT TIME WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX: its been a while... :(

WHAT IS:
29. YOUR GOOD LUCK CHARM: my smile
30. PERSON YOU HATE MOST: well thats an easy question... can i get everyone to say it with me C-A-L-E-B
31. THE BEST THING THAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU TODAY: got away form this boring house for the first time in like 5 days

FAVORITES:
32. COLOR: black
33. MOVIE: Crule Intentions
34. BOOK: Smack
35. SUBJECT IN SCHOOL: English (apart form vocab.)
36. JUICE: Grape
37. CARS: Mini Cooper
38. ICE CREAM: butterfinger
39. HOLIDAY: x-mas
40. SEASON: fall
41. BREAKFAST FOOD: cinnamon roll
42. PLACE TO GO WITH YOUR HONEY: on a cruise... the view is unbelieveable... you can see all the stars that you'd never thought you'd see

WHO:
43. MAKES YOU LAUGH THE MOST: ashley/amanda
44. MAKES YOU SMILE: josh
45. GIVES YOU A FUNNY FEELING WHEN YOU SEE THEM: josh
46. HAS A CRUSH ON YOU: pierre
47. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON: for the first time in my LIFE no one. absoulty no one... i havent found anyone to like since caleb... its like he impared me... in more ways then one
48. CAN MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER NO MATTER WHAT: amanda\ashley
49. HAS IT EASIER GUYS OR GIRLS: guys... they dont PMS

DO YOU EVER:
50. SIT BY THE PHONE WAITING FOR A PHONE CALL ALL NIGHT: ::cough::caleb, diego, chris::cough::
51. SAVE AOL CONVERSATIONS: yep well AIM convos and my DeadAIM does that for me
52. SAVE E-MAILS: um who doesnt
53. WISH YOU WERE SOMEONE ELSE: sometimes
54. WISH YOU WERE A MEMBER OF THE OPPOSITE SEX: what do you mean by member... if you mean what i think you mean then no i dont want to be a penis
55. CRIED BECAUSE OF SOMEONE'S MEAN WORDS: i dont cry... (yeah thats bull shit, yes i have, thanks caleb, little bastard)

BEST:
56. COLOGNE: Very Sexy - Victoria's Secret, Really Ripped Abs - Bod
57. PERFUME: Dream - Gap Addidas for Girls
58. KISS: french, duh, a regular kiss is so boring
59. ROMANTIC MEMORY: when he said i love you... i sware it was like a movie seene
60. MOST RECENT ADVICE GIVEN TO YOU: "your not a loser"

HAVE YOU:
61. Fallen for your best friend?: uh.... hmmm... yes
62. Made out w/ JUST a friend?: nope
63. Been rejected?: yes
64. Been in love?: :( YES AND I HATE IT
65. Been in lust?: hehehe yes
66. Used someone?: haha, prehaps...
67. Been used?: ohhhh yes
69. Been cheated on?: i hope not
70. Been kissed?: absoulty not... would never commit a sin like that
71. Done something you regret?: yep

WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON:
72. You touched?: hugging my mom goodbye last ngiht
73: You talked to: stepmom
74. You hugged?: mom
75. You instant messaged?: zach
76. You kissed?: pierre ::washes out mouth::
77. You had sex with?: never
78. You yelled at?: mom
79. You laughed with?: stepmom
80. Who broke your heart?: caleb
81. Who told you they loved you?: mom

DO YOU:
82. Color your hair?: highlight
83. Have tattoos?: nope
84. Have piercings? : yup, both ears and belly SOON
85. Have a boyfriend/girlfriend/both?: nope
86. Own a webcam? : noooo :(
87. Own a thong?: like thousands
88. Ever get off the computer?: not if i keep doing this LONG thing
89. Sprechen sie deutsche?: jigga what?
90. Habla espanol?: pequino (gusta caleb's dicko)
91. Quack?: well i just did by reading that didnt i... YOU TRICKED ME. how rude. thats a trick question...

HAVE YOU / DO YOU / ARE YOU:
92. Stolen anything?: i think i stole candy one time but i sware i thought it was free
93. Smoke?: NOPE
94. Schizophrenic?: thats too big of a word for me
95. Obsessive?: over Tyson Ritter, Billy Martin, Crule Intentions, British Books yes
96. Compulsive?: dont think so...
97. Obsessive compulsive?: NO
98. Panic?: no
99. Anxiety?: yes
100. Depressed?: too much
101. Suicidal?: have been
102. Obsessed with hate?: no......
103. Dream of mutilated bodies, blood, death, and gore?: uh, no. where are you going with this?
104. Dream of doing those things instead of just seeing them?: you've lost me
105. If you could be anywhere, where would you be?: kicking caleb in the balls and then england getting back my accent
106. Can you do anything freakish with your body?: hahah ya i can twist my thumbs to the back of my hand... ugh yeah... you have to see it.
107. What facial feature do you find the most attractive on others? eyes/lips
108. Would you vote for a woman candidate for president?: i would if i believed in what she was gunna do for our country
109. Would you marry for money?: no
110. Have you had braces?: yes and thank god their off... but i do really love my smile now
111. Do you pluck your eyebrows?: yes of course
112. Do you like hairy backs?: ewwww noooooo
113. When was the last time you had a hickey?: while ago
114. Could you live without a computer?: hell no
115. Do you use ICQ, AOL Buddy list etc...?: AIM
116. If so, how many people are on your list/s?: 147
117. If you could live in any past time period, which would it be?: late 1800's to early 1900's
118. Do you drink enough water?: probably not
119. Do you wear shoes in the house or take them off?: take them off
120. What is your favorite fruit?: since of the incident with grapes last night... probably green apples
121. Do you eat wheat bread or white?: wheat, much better for you
122. What is your favorite place to visit?: cruise
123. What is the last movie you saw?: Election
124. Do you kiss on the first date?: ... lets NOT go there... (i should really stop that habbit)
125. Are you photogenic?: people say i am
126. Do you dream in color or black and white?: color
127. Are you wearing fingernail polish?: no, havent in a LONG time too
128. Is it chipped or fresh?: DONT WARE ANY DAMNIT
129. Do you have any dimples?: nope
130. Do you remember being born?: thats a really dumb question, DO YOU?!?!?!?!?
131. Why do you take surveys?: i have nothing better to do
132. Do you drink alcohol? i hate when these surveys repeat questions... YOU'VE ALREADY ASKED NO!
133. Did you like or do you like high school?: maybe dunno yes its a new school
134. What is the best accent? brazil/british
135. Who do you want to kiss? josh (from maine)
136. Do you like sunrises or sunsets the most?: sunsets
137. Do you want to live to be 100?: no
138. Is a flat stomach important to you?: yes...
139. Do you or have you played with a ouija board?: i would like to somday
140. Are you loyal?: yes
141. Are you tolerant of other peoples beliefs?: very, thats their opinion
142. When you watch movies at home, do you like the lights on or off?: OFF i hate watching movies with lights on, takes the fun away
143. Do you have nightmares frequently?: about once a month
144. Do you like your nose?: i guess... it doesnt have an bumps or anything... i mean its just a nose
145. Do you think you can draw well?: no.
146. At what age did you find out that Santa Claus wasn't real?: WHAT HES NOT REAL?!?!?! ::cries::
147. How many pairs of shoes are in your closet?: like 10 here... but in florida.... wayyyyy too many
148. Do you like to wear the same shoes everyday or do you like a variety?: depends on the outfit! you must cordinate!
149. Do you write poetry?: yes
150. Do you snore?: no
151. Do you sleep more on your back, front, or sides?: oh jesus... you forgot stomach... yes i sleep on my stomach
152. Dog/Cat?: cat (rollie pollie ollie
153. Do you lick stamps?: no i have the sticker ones
154. Do you use an electric can opener?: here yes, florida no
155. Have you ridden in a hotair balloon?: no... but i bet ist awesome
156. Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?: emotional, because it never seems to go away
157. Favorite TV show?: Daria
158. Do you know anyone who is clinically depressed?: sooooo many
159. Do you prefer a piano or a violin?: piano
160. Are you a sex addict?: never had sex, although i probably would be ;)
161. Do you know someone who has cancer?: who had it
162. Do you like to argue?: yup
163. Do you hunt?: no but my daddy does
164. Do you like fast food joints, or expensive restaurants?: expensive restaurants (as long as im not paying), because i get to dress all purty and usually there is some nice eyecandy lurking around
165. Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum?: zoo
166. Do you have a middle name? What is it?: Hope
167. Are you basically a happy person?: not really
168. Are you tired?: a bit
169. Did you drink anything with caffeine in it today?: i dont think so
170. Have you ever met anyone off the internet?: SHAUN! ZACH, JORDEE!
171. How many phones do you have in your house?: 4, 1 cell
172. How long is your hair?: pretty long... im growing it out
173. Do you get along with your parents?: mom: most of the time dad: as long as he isnt talking to me
174. What color of eyes do you prefer?: green, blue
175. Full name: never!
176. Were you named after anyone?: my middle name is after my grandmother
177. Do you wish on stars?: no
178. Which finger is your favorite?: middle >:)
179. When did you last cry?: week ago??
180. If you were making a movie about yourself, what would the title be?: Died Trying
181. Do you like your handwriting?: sometimes
182. Who do you admire & Why?: i dont know really... id have to think for a while
183. What is the #1 priority in your life?: being the best i can be for others
184. What is your favorite lunchmeat?: turkey
185. Any bad habits?: biting my nails, cracking my fingers
186. What is your most embarrassing CD?: n*sync, bsb
187. If you were another person, would you be friends with yourself?: yes
188. Are you a daredevil?: haha yea
189. Have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell?: yes
190. Have you ever stolen anything?: you already asked that bitch
191. Do looks matter?: MY looks yes, his, well hes got to have a really great personality if the looks arent kickin
192. Have you ever misused a word and it sounded absolutely stupid?: yes once i read "organisim" and said "orgasim" omg i was so imbarassed
193. Do you think there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?: uh no (dumbass)
194. Do fish have feelings? isnt their brain the size of a grain of sand?
195. Are you trendy?: im whatever style i feel like at the moment... but yeah i guess
196. How do you release anger?: hurting myself
197. Where is your second home?: maine
198. Do you trust others easily?: not at all
199. What was your favorite toy as a child?: my blocks
200. What class in school do you think is totally useless?: spanish
201. Do you like sappy love songs?: some
202. Have you ever been on radio or television?: radio yes
203. Do you have a journal?: one, two, three, yes i have three.
204. Do you use sarcasm a lot?: no (yes)
205. Have you ever been in another country?: jamica, mexico, heidi, grand caymon
206. What do you look for in a guy/girl?: personality, sence of humor, athletic, sweet
207. What is/are your nickname/s?: lexi, sexiii lexiii, fish, dumbass, blondie
208. Would you bungee jump?: of course
209. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?: my basketball sneackers yes
210. What are you worried about right now?: that josh (from maine) wont call and i wont be able to see him
212. Do you think you are strong?: yes, my legs kick ass, but look fat
215. What's your least favorite thing in the world?: caleb
216. How many wisdom teeth do you have?: 2?
217. Do you have anything pierced?: you know what i am no longer gunna answer questions you have ALREADY asked
218. Do you have any tattoos?:
219. What would you change about yourself?: i would like to be 110lbs
221. Who are the people you care most about?: my friends, mom
222. I see: i see
223. I need: a hug
224. I find: old socks
225. I want: josh (from maine)
226. I have: issues
227. I wish: this wasnt so long and ashley could send me the psp7 thingie
228. I love: my friends
229. I hate: being cold
230. I miss: Amanda, josh, kiera
231. I fear: needles, hatred towards me
232. I feel: sad
233. I hear: Green Day
234. I smell: air?
235. I wonder: why its so windy
236. I regret: meeting caleb

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU:
237. Smiled?: while i was talking to ashley and she sent me the wonderful picture that she made
238. Laughed?: same
239. Cried?: week ago
240. Bought something?: today! GUM
241. Danced?: omg... LONG time ago... i need to sometime tho
242. Were sarcastic?: minute ago
243. Kissed someone?: week ago tomorrow
244. Talked to an ex?: like last week when chandler decided to IM me out of the bleu
245. Watched your favorite movie?: :( when i was with caleb at his house
246. Do you own any plaid clothing?: yeah a plaid skirt
247. Do you own Converse shoes?: hell no (omg remember that KIERA?!?!?!)
248. Do you own Saucony shoes?: dunno what they are
249. Do you own old school Nikes?: no
250. Do you wear tight pants?: i guess?
251. Is there more than one zipper in your pants? no but i would love a pair of those

HAVE YOU (IN THE LAST DAY):
252. Worn a skirt: yes but then i decided not to ware it
253. Been mean: yep
254. Been sarcastic: YES YES YES YES YES FOR CHRISTS SAKE
255. Met someone new: no
256. Talked to someone you have a crush on: dont have a crush
257. Missed someone: ya
258. Hugged someone: no
259. Fought with your parents: yes yes yes
260. Wished upon a star: no
261. Laughed until you cried: no
262. Played Truth or Dare: no
263. Watched a sunrise/sunset: no
264. Went to the beach at night: no
265. Spent quality time alone: thats all i ever do
266. Read a book for fun: in the last day i wouldnt be able to read a whole book dumbass
267. Are you lonely: very
268. Are you wearing your pajamas: no
269. Are you talking to someone online: yes shaun, and i am very dissapointed in him, tisk tisk, oh wait he just showed me a new pic... (not dissapointed anymore) ::drools:: hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot

4 scars gone heal me

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