LC

8:42pm: I'm still fat.

6:40pm: I'm fat

10:57pm: LIfe sure can be stresful at times. I went home for the weekend, and definitely got into some arguments. This is yet another reason why I am staying here for the summer, to escape the family shit.
I found a previous stash of diet pills in my room while I was home, so I will be content for a few weeks.

10:54pm: I worked out tonight, but I don't know-- it just didn't feel the same. It seemed more like a bother. My face is a wreck.

Tomorrow I have a lunch meeting with my sorority, perhaps that will cheer me up. I just feel so numb.

8:12pm: So this summer I'm going to rent an apartment up here around campus. There are better jobs up here, and I'll bring my dog Bonnie up here. She's a blonde cocker spaniel. Such a cutie. I love her so much.
Yeah, so I'll get a 1 bedroom apartment, and be on my own. I'll be happy. But I hope I don't get lonely. I'll have a TV, computer, laptop, etc. So I think I'll be okay. I don't know whether I'll get internet, as that will be an extra charge. But hey, if my father pays for the rent, and I'll be working-- so I'll be able to pay for my own things. It makes me so happy that I will be independent.
Oh and this summer I'm going to spend two weeks at this medical school in the Caribbean, taking some pre-med courses. That will be a lot of fun. I have a lot to look forward to.
I am thinking that I might want to get a furnished apartment, because it would be a hassle to bring a bed and chair and everything up here. But then it would be my stuff. Who knows.. I have a while to decide. Gosh-- I'll have the best time.
And Richard could come out and visit for a bit.

Life is good.

12:22am: I had some dark chocolate after I worked out tonight, about two pieces, and some starburst. It is better than eating a full meal at Mc Donalds. I think my goal for tomorrow is to call and get some jobs set up. I need to work. I need money.

10:42pm: Returned from working out. Burned about 802 calories. Then I walked around campus for awhile. It was snowing outside so maybe I burned more calories because it was cold. I was talking to Sarah at the front desk, and I started to black out. It is this sick feeling that overwhelms you, and you feel like puking, but yet you want to sit down. God I'm so proud of myself that I almost fainted. So triggering.

1:22pm: Lunch went okay.... I had a salad with tofu, and some mushroom barley soup. And then some whole wheat pita bread with organic peanut butter, and a bit of honey on top. This will be my big meal of the day. I won't eat dinner. I'll do laundry tonight during dinner time.

9:12am: I think today I will have a good day eating wise. I have a good feeling about today. Like I am really determined and can do it. I might make some hot tea now, and drink some water for breakfast. My spine was sticking out when I was lying on the bed. It kind of triggered me. Oh and I had a dream that I had an ana buddy. So cool, eh? But yeah -- today at lunch there is going to be a ed support group at my college. I think I might go, but I'm kind of scared. Maybe find some ana/mia buddies. who knows. I need to get ready for class....

11:44pm: I took a shower. I feel better. Like all the dirt of life washed away. I'm having doubts about Richard. I haven't talked to him in two days. Maybe I'm too needy. Yeah, I am. Maybe we'll talk tomorrow. Tomorrow is Tuesday, his harder day. Why do I doubt something? I don't know.. I guess because sometimes it feels like it is too good to be true. But it is true. He loves me, and I love him. So why the hell do I doubt our relationship.

So I had an idea for the summer. I'm going to stay in Colorado Springs over the summer. I'll be working a lot, and having fun, and staying away from the family stuff. I might rent my own apartment or stay with sarah. But it would be so fun having my own apartment. I could bring up my dog from home, and just have so much fun. I'll look around for housing tomorrow for the summer.

10:21pm: God, I tried working out, but I just felt horrible. I didn't have enough energy or anything. I tried at least about 10 minutes on the bike, then gave up. I wasn't in my normal mood. Hopefully by tomorrow I will be in my normal work out mood, because I cannot handle not being all spunky and ready to workout. Tonight when working out, it seemed like something I hated-- which I don't. Maybe I am still sore from skiing, but it still saddened me because I wasn't able to workout as I normally would. I'm still tired from the weekend spent with Richard, so I'm going to go shower, then reread my article for discussion in class tomorrow, then fall asleep.

10:15pm: weight and issues related
Monday, February 17, 2003

So before Richard came out to visit I was doing really well with my weight. I would imagine I was below 128lbs, and doing it so easily (I'm 5'11"). But then I thought I was getting too thin, and I didn't want to scare Richard by not eating anything while he was here. So I ate. I didn't really binge. I just ate semi-normal meal a day. And water-loaded the other time. I had pizza one night. And I had cheese with bread for lunch one day, but I went skiing-- so that burned at least 1000 cals. So here I am. Sunday I ate a lot. Not a lot of fatty stuff. Well I did have three dessert squares with my lunch, and a lemon square and dessert square with dinner Sunday. Oh and Sunday I had some quesidillas and a gardenburger. You might think-- oh good, a garden burger. But no! Gardenburger's are bad. They grill them with oil, so they are super fat-laden. I wish people could cook things in the healthiest way always. That should be a law or something. Seriously. So yeah Sunday was a bad day eating-wise, and I didn't exercise at all because I was sore from skiing.

So here I am Monday. I estimate I had 1400 cals today. I had some cheese with bread for breakfast, and a few grapes. For lunch I had vegetarian minestrone soup and a banana with peanut butter, oh and also 3/4 c. of soymilk. Then I babysat from 3:00 to 7:00pm. I had about 3/4 c. of pecans, with one veggie corndog (150 cals), and a glass of chocolate soymilk. Oh and about 5 trisquits-- but no oil added cracker kind (organic). So I guess I didn't do too bad today, but compared to what I was eating before, it is a lot for me. I just wish I could eat food and maintain my weight. So tonight I'm going to exercise and burn at least 800 cals off, and lift weights. So if I burn off 800, then it will be like I ate 600, which is much better.

Tomorrow:
breakfast--- nothing, water load, and take lots of water bottles to breakfast. OR/AND some hot tea with Equal. I can have one orange.
snack-- water
lunch--- steamed broccli or cauliflower, with 1/4. of steamed rice with lemon. Grab an extra plate of pizza, to fool people into thinking you might eat that. But you won't. You won't even touch it. And two glasses of water. I can have one banana... but put it on a plate and cut it into pieces. Two glasses of water with lunch. Between each small bite I must take a sip of water. That way I won't eat very much. Sprinkle Equal on banana. (revised-- can have a little tofu)
snack-- water, water, water-- brush teeth
dinner-- can of minestrone soup (240 cals)
snack-- one packet of diet hot cocoa

exercise: burn 600 cals off, and lift weights, work on abs.

Richard commented, "You're so skinny." I didn't know what to say to the comment. I mean-- I know I'm not. I'm the fattest tub of lard known to man. I wonder why people talk to me at times. Why would anyone want to associate with a fat person like me. I don't understand people at times. Should have I told Richard my true feelings about my body... the disgustingly grotesque body. I wonder sometimes why he would want to touch such a fat person like me. But what concerns me is why would Richard lie to me? Doesn't he know I will accept any opinion of his. That boy. I don't understand him at times.

So I think today was my break-in day. Today I ate fairly normal, but a lower cal amount when compared to Sunday's intake. So I need to gradually reduce my food intake each day. That will be the key way to get back to my former patterns before block break. Then I can be light and get lighter each day. I hate this horrible feeling of fat surrounding my body. It feels like I am suffocating. I cannot breathe in this horrible fat suit I have put on. So I need to lose that fat suit, and become my whispy self again. What I don't understand is how Sarah can be so thin, and yet eat normally. I guess there are people out there who can eat normal. And she is skinnier than I! But soon enough, I'll be skinnier than her. God I am so bad. I need to quit doing that. I guess with an eating disorder you compare yourself to anyone and everyone. I have a competition with whomever I eat lunch with. I have to eat the least of everyone. They don't know of this competition, but I do, boy do I... and each day I am declared the winner. But except for those days when I'm throwing up, then I eat probably the most, because I know that it will all bew coming up anyway... so might as well eat what I want.

But seriously... I need to get back to my sync. I want to weigh 115lbs, and go visit Dad. Maybe that will be after Spring Break. I want to avoid seeing my family for as long as possible. I don't mom to come up here, and I don't want to see anyone else. But when I am about 115lbs, then I will go visit my father at work, and talk to him. I haven't talked to him in about 3 months. Then he will see me--- and admire my determination. Then he will go to my mother's house, and apologize, and decide he doesn't want a divorce. Then we will be a happy family again. All I have to do is get down to 115lbs, to show my determination to prove how badly I want a happy family again. I'm tired of this divorce stuff. Let's be happy again. Mom won't cry anymore, and my Dad won't yell anymore... and we will be happy. She will call him at work to tell him that she loves him. They will take vacations together. There won't be anymore arguments. No more yelling. We will all be happy once again, we will be happy once again, if I can only show my determination to get to 115lbs. Then get to 100lbs, then 77lbs. Imagine how happy everyone will be! Once they know I would be willing to give up anything for us to be a family again. And I will get A's in all of my college courses. I will be accepted into medical school. I will pay for everything on my own. They won't have to give me any money for my college, or misc. expenses. Everyone will be happy. My mom will drive a red mercedes benz. Dad will drive an Acura. We will live in a big house. We will have a tennis court in back. Horses in the back also. Dad will get home at 5:00, and help cook dinner with mom. They will love each other with all of their heart and soul. My brother won't tease my little sister. We will be a family once again. But the only way to be a family once again, is to prove my love for them, and how badly I want them to be a family.

Estimated weight: 133lbs...
2-20-03 Thursday goal: 130lbs
2-23-03 Sunday goal: 127lbs
2-26-03 Wednesday goal: 125lbs
3-01-03 Sat. goal: 123lbs
3-04-03 Tuesday goal: 121lbs

If this is all it take to be a family again. My god I'm going to do it in a heart beat. God, I cannot wait for us to be together again.

~~Dreaming of happiness~

8:14pm: lovely block break... with boyfriend
Journal Entry: Sunday, February 16, 2003

Richard is gone. I'm sad, but I am glad that he came out here for block break. I love him so much. Everything that he does I love, he is just so wonderful. I havent decided what I am going to do for spring break, whether it be go out there, or he could come here. But Loomis closes over spring break, so we would have to get a hotel room-- or I know. We could get a cabin somewhere, and stay there for a week. We could have a kitchen, make our meals there-- have a fireplace~ cuddle in front of that. Richard makes me feel so great. He makes all of my troubles go away. Becky commented that, " When you are around Richard, you are more confident about yourself." I didn't realize I was like that. He does make me happy though. He makes me want to love the person I am~~~ not try and be someone I'm not. I don't want to hurt myself anymore when I am around Richard, I don't want to make myself throw up, to starve myself to no end, or to kill myself. He is such a positive influence for me.

Thursday night, I picked up Richard up at the airport. It was a picturisque moment. He called me on my cell-phone~~ stating that he had arrived at the airport, and that he was walking towards the security gates. I said, "Okay-- I'll see you in a few." Then I saw him. He was carrying his carry-on bag... he dropped that as I ran towards him. We hugged for about 15 seconds, or actually it seemed longer-- the whole world around me seemed to dissappear~~ Richard was holding me in his arms and that is all that matters. We went to the baggage claim to pick up his snowboard bag. It was torture waiting for his bag. Having him so close, but yet we could not make out or fuck in the middle of the airport. So we waited~~ his arms around the side of my waist, my fingers stroking the back of his neck. The bag arrived, and we quickly got to my car. His snowboard bag would only fit in the backseat... so our other options were rather limited. But yeah--- I was about to start the car, but then I looked at him, and gave him a long passionate kiss. That passionate kiss turned into him fingering me-- I came so quickly. I guess I was pretty turned on. Then as we were leaving the airport parking lot, he started fingering me again, I was driving yet, I was having a good time. That boy, does he know how to do things. wow... that is all I can say. So we got back to campus, and I gave him some head-- he came pretty quickly also. Then we fucked a couple of times. He has such a big dick... it makes me wet just thinking about it. After that we walked a bit around campus, then fucked some more, then fell asleep in his arms. I drank a bit that night, and was a little tipsy I think, but no worries-- because I think I was hornier, so it was all good for him.

Friday, we woke up around 11:30, showered, etc, and then got some food at Benji's. We then went red rock area. We drove around throughout the park, then made out for a bit in the car. It was raining outside, so that totally screwed up our plans for hiking. Then I attempted to give him head in a handicap small parking lot. But then someone pulled up next to us, and we had to stop. So we went back to campus, and fucked a couple of times, then we both fell asleep and took a nap. We decided we should go out to dinner, and we ate at Fargo's Pizzaria. It was okay- the pizza didn't have much sauce, so it was like just crust and cheese. But no worries, because I needed all the energy for sex. We were going to go see a movie, but then decided to go back to campus, as we were going to wake up early tomorrow to go skiing. I got ready for bed, and he-- did too. I was looking for directions on my computer, and he laid back on the floor against my pillow chair. I straddled him and started kissing him. I was getting hotter and hotter for him, I wanted his dick more and more. Kissed, rolled around a bit, and then finally-- he told me to get on the bed. So then we fucked. I think that was the best orgasm I ever had. We tried doggie style after that-- I liked that a bit... it definitely hit a different spot. Oooh, I got him some cologne for Valentine's Day, Ralph Lauren Romance.

So we fell asleep, and woke up in the morning. We fucked before I took a shower. It was goooood. God, he drives me so wild in bed. We got everything ready to go to the ski slopes. I layered my clothing, etc... I drove for a bit, until I got kind of sleepy, then Richard drove. The whole time I or he was driving we held hands. It was so intimate. I love him so much. wow. So we got to the ski slopes, I rented my skis-- and we hit the slopes. It was hard turning, harder than expected. I don't know whether it was my skis or something, but I didn't remember skiing being that hard. I had fun none-- the less. When Richard and I took the chair lift he'd hold me in his arms, so romantic. And when I would fall on the slopes, he come to my aid, and help me up. Sometimes rest-- or just sometimes he'd tell me how much he loved me. Awwwh. Yeah. LIfe is so great. So on the way back to campus, I stripped down a bit, to get the wet layers of clothing off. I am such a tease. yeah... that's me. I gave him some road head for a bit, and then proceeded to take off my tank top and bra. He finally couldn't handle it anymore, and pulled to the side of the road and we fucked. There was less room, but I came none-the less. When we got back to campus, I introduced him to Becky and Sarah. We talked to them for awhile... he made such a good impression. Becky told him that she would kill him if he were to ever hurt me. Have to love Becky. Sarah went and got us food from McDonalds. We ate then went back to the room. We fucked doggie style on my sofa chair. There is a mirror that he could see himself fucking me from behind. I think that turned him on a lot. I loved it too. I love anything that I can play with his dick. We fucked on my bed, where I came about 4 times. Definitely multi-orgasm. Then I fell asleep.... we woke up around 5:00, and fucked once. Then I helped him get packed to go to the airport. It was sad seeing him pack. I drove him to the airport, kissed him, told him I loved him--- and said our good-bye's. I started crying as I left the airport. I love him so much. It was hard to see him go. I then slept all of Sunday, today, catching up on sleep.

I'm so in love~~~

11:05am: finals
Journal Entry: Tuesday, February 11, 2003

Sometimes if you get too absorbed in life, then you cannot see what is going on on the outside. You just see your world you just see one way, and one way that you think that will solve all your problems is suicide, which isn't. I don't know how I go from frantically suicidal last week to enjoying life this week. Maybe Dr. Hardy was right, I might have that type of depression where it is bad before I get my period. Because last week was like hell. It was horrible. My god, I was thinking of suicide every other second. Now in class it is getting better, I can focus better, but still I feel numb.

Today I was thinking about it. I am only seventeen years old. I am seventeen years old and a freshman at an ivy league university. I am doing a lot. I should be proud of where I am. Other kids are still in their junior year of high school. Here I am with nineteen and twenty year old college students. I'm doing a hell of a good job. I should be proud of where I am. Oh and another thing I was thinking about ---- I will never be legal to drink in my undergraduate college years. Isn't that a riot. But hey-- I'll get done with my stuff earlier.

Today Sarah (my best friend) got this booklet about a medical school in Texas. It was so encouraging, because it seemed like a really great med school. I think I could get into that one. It just lifted my spirits-- because realizing I can accomplish something I can do something with my life, there is no need to end it now. Then I will be a successful dermatologist practicing in Florida. It makes me so happy to think that I might be able to accomplish my dreams-- my dreams of becoming a doctor. Again thinking about it, it is odd that I want to pursue a medical career, since my mother is a doctor. But it just gives me faith that if I stick to it, I can accomplish it. It is all a matter of not doubting yourself, because if you doubt yourself-- then you have lost everything.
--------------so don't doubt yourself-------------------------

So guess who called today? Mr. Dibble. It turns out that they want me to babysit on Monday. Isn't that great? I'm so happy. Everything is falling together again. Everything will be okay if I only give it time. This is the thing I need to remember--- to just give myself time for things to blow over-- and everything will be alright in the end.

That reminds me I need to get my financial aid information together by this Friday so I can stay here over the summer. I'm sure that I will more than qualify. Then I can take a course here.

And tomorrow I need to speak to my 2nd block professor about extending my incomplete-- or to get more information to finish it.

So today I threw up three times. Yeah I know that is bad. The final time I threw up, I actually threw up blood. I don't know what the hell has gotten into me. Why the hell I do this. Why? Okay so starting tomorrow, I'll be a good good girl and no throwing up. That means I should eat breakfast tomorrow, and skip lunch. Water load.
And another thing that I did, I told Sarah that I'm bulimic. *eeep* I guess it is good to get it out. I trust her so much. She is such a great friend. I don't know what I would do without her, gosh I love her a lot. But yeah, so she says that if I keep this bulimia up, then um--- she's going to become bulimic also. Mia buddy? yes no? no! I do not want to drag her into the eating disordered world of me. This is hell. I don't wish this on anyone.

So I think I just need to drink a lot of water to keep my appetite away. Oh, and now that I made money from babysitting I can go get some caffiene pills. Life is good when I have money.

Now I wonder what I'm going to get Richard for Valentine's Day. Maybe a nice picture frame of me... and some cute boxers. Maybe a small thing of perfurme-- I'm thinking Victoria Secret's Sexy for Him, or Ralph Lauren -- Romance for Men. I'll have to go shop on Thursday.

Well, I'm going to try and go to bed early because of my final tomorrow. I'm going to try and go to the music library in the morning to study the sildes again. So wakeup about 7:20 am... yeah so I need to go to bed soon. Shower, etc

Love lots~

8:45am: life~~~
Journal Entry: February 10th, 2003

Life does get better. No matter what it may seem like at a certain moment. You know what? Feelings pass, and so do those feelings of suicide. I should never act upon that feeling, because I know it will fade. Maybe it is because I can think more rationally now. Perhaps it was all the stressors that I could not handle, and I saw only one way out.

But even though I do not have as many suicidal ideations as before, I still like to press my limits. Saturday night I took my sleeping pills with a couple shots of vodka. Yeah yeah, I know that wasn't the most positive thing, but I enjoyed it very much. I guess if I were to have died on Saturday night, I would not have cared. I don't think it was a suicide attempt, more like a half-gesture. If I would have died, I would have liked it, but yet I'm still living. I wonder how long this body of mine can handle all of the shit I do to it.

So last night, I binged so bad. But I threw it all up. It was so great. I got such a big rush from it. I had a bag of popcorn, some peanut butter and jelly sandwichs, full-fattening hot chocolate, and a huge brownie- drenched in sweet crisp chocolate frosting. God I love throwing up. I can eat whatever I want and still maintain my weight. Ha! That is better than anyone else's life! I got it all up in less than 10 heaves. It is good when I drink a lot of liquids with my food, then it comes up easier. I purged until I tasted stomach acid. That is when I know that I got it all up. Who would have thought that I'd be bulimic in college. I just thought it would be my little high school thing. I'm going to try not and purge for a couple of days, because my gag reflex is not as good if you throw up multiple times a day. I mean-- I can can successfully purge up to 8-10 times a day, but then the next day my throat is sore as hell. So maybe just limit it to once a day... no once every three days. I know! Okay once every 5 days, I can binge and purge. All buy like 4 brownies from Wild Sage, and binge like mad, then throw it all up. But I don't want to rely on purging to control my weight because I know that you can't really lose weight with purging, only maintain your weight.

Oh my gosh, this morning I was 129lbs. I am so happy. I so want to get to 125lbs. I know I will definitely accomplish it by the end of February. Then 120lbs, then 117lbs... and so on. I want to get rid of this horrible ugly fat. It is just all over me. It is so gross. It is like I cannot even breathe because of all the lard. I know when people look at me in public, they are probably commenting how repulsively fat I am. I just wish I could be thin. Will I ever be thin? Yes, yes, Jennifer-- soon. Just keep up with exercising.

So tonight I accidently missed dinner-- woops. Shit... No I'm really proud of myself. I'm going to water binge when I return from working out.

Okay so my working out plan for tonight:
1) 35 minutes on bike = 550 cals burned
2) lots of ab-work
3) 11 minutes on elliptical = 100 cals burned
4) lift weights for legs--- squats, lunges, lift some weights for arms, and shoulders

I want to make a workout tape, with this one cd that Erin has. It is really fast and upbeat. I wish I would have brought the my brother's CD player back when I returned from Christmas break. That reminds me I need to make a new tape so Richard and I can listen to it in the car. MMmmm.. I cannot wait until Richard gets here, I am so incredibly excited. You would not believe how happy I'm going to be when I see him in the airport.

9:00am: home again
I'm home again. Yeah, the vacation in Florida was nice, but family gets on your nerves after a while, if you know what I mean. Also, we would have to eat all of our meals out, so there was no way of avoiding eating. Well I avoided eating breakfast and lunch, but then had a light dinner.
The desk clerk at the hotel asked my mom if I was in Florida for modeling. I was like, what? Me? Are you joking? But yeah, he really seemed convinced that I was beautiful. He probably just wanted to fuck me though. What else are on a guy's mind?
I'm fasting today and tomorrow, and maybe the next day. So I'm going to try and fast for 4 days. I ran 2 miles last night and this morning.

Well my mom is bitching at me, so I better go....

3:28pm: Richard--- a guy I met on vacation
What can I say? I miss him. A lot. I miss his presence, his warmth, his kindness, his passion. The way he would say things, his little bits of information. The way he would caress my neck, the way he would run his hands over my body. Why must he be so far away? Why oh why?

Oh, the way he would embrace me. I could stay like that forever.

But he flew back today. Oh, why couldn't we have met sooner?

At least we met.

12:00pm: Taking my college finals today. Uggh. Then I have to finish packing for Florida. ugggh. Then go run, and maybe lose 10lbs overnight? Yeah right, that'd be nice though. Anyways... talk to you soon.